While driving along Bloor he started to talk about how much things had changed. This, a safe conversational starter for men past a certain age.
What used to be there.
What’s there now.
All the things we had known and lived.
And so we shared our wonder at the velocity of the world overtaking us, of all the businesses popping up on the blocks passing by and the real estate prices that had long since soared beyond our reach. Each aspect of this conversation revealed an unresolved bitterness in the man, a sense of having missed out, and then a car cut him off. He slammed his fist on the steering wheel, “DID YOU SEE THAT ASSHOLE?!”, he shouted as he accelerated into traffic. I tried to say something neutral yet supportive in tone, and then in an attempt to distract him from his rising fury, I asked where he’d most like to live if there were absolutely no limitations.
After some struggle, he offered up San Diego, but this only served as an entry point for a long, detailed story about being on a cruise ship with his ex-wife, getting ripped-off at the bar, and the fist fight that ensued. “They didn’t know who they were dealing with,” he said to me, his voice a cold, flat hiss.
And then we came to a red light and stopped. It felt like the barometric pressure had changed, that some destructive potential was either gathering or dispersing inside the car. And so we sat there quietly, lonely now in ways that could not be acknowledged. And beside us at the red light a beautiful young woman idled on her bicycle. When her eyes accidentally fell upon us, she quickly averted her gaze, just as we knew she would.
And then the light turned green.
She stood up on her bike and pedalled confidently away, into the future, I guess, and there was something so sad and beautiful in this, that neither the driver nor I even thought to speak for the rest of the ride.
(Photo credit to the great Lincoln Clarkes)
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Donald J. Trump: I just hope that Brad was smart and had a prenup like I did. #ArtofTheDeal
Donald J. Trump: Getting married, like ISIS, is no joke– you need to be ruthless when you end it!
Donald J. Trump: It’s a nuclear situation. #VladisaGreatLeader
Donald J. Trump: Brad Pitt, a little flaky. In a golf tournament with him once. No sense for the game.
Donald J. Trump: Quite a bit shorter than me, but still a real looker.
Donald J. Trump: Anyway, when you’re rich and powerful you can have your pick. That’s the American way.
Donald J. Trump: Brad knows that, so why would he stay with damaged goods?
Donald J. Trump: Why would America stay with damaged goods? Time for a change, America! #TrumpIceGreatestWaterEver
Donald J. Trump: Sure, Angelina was really something a few year ago, but now? After all those cancer surgeries? Brad can do better. America can do better! #VoteTrump
Donald J. Trump: Do people notice Crooked and Sick Hillary is copying my airplane rallies – she puts the plane behind her like I have been doing from the beginning.
Donald J. Trump: Crooked and Sick Hillary is taking the day off again, she needs the rest. Sleep well Crooked and Sick Hillary – see you at the debate!
Donald J. Trump: Wonder if Gwyneth Paltrow had anything to do with the end of Brangelina?
Donald J. Trump: Wouldn’t put it past her.
Donald J. Trump: You gotta watch out for the exes. Always come crawling back.
Donald J. Trump: Paltrow married a Brit. Always putting on a fake accent. Don’t trust her.
Donald J. Trump: Both she and Angelina are washed up. Sad.
Donald J. Trump: Bet Jennifer Aniston is happy now.
Donald J. Trump: There’s an American. A real girl next door.
Donald J. Trump: Rachel, and those headlights? Whoah. What American man didn’t want to shtup her?
Donald J. Trump: I would take my chances with her, she’s one Skittle I’d eat regardless of the poison risk. #NoToSyrianRefugees
Donald J. Trump: Did I have sex with Jennifer Aniston? Gentlemen don’t tell. #Probably
Donald J. Trump: Did I have sex with Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie? All I will say is I am very happy with my beautiful wife.
Donald J. Trump: Melania will be the most beautiful First Lady in history!
Donald J. Trump: I know it’s not politically correct to say, but Crooked Hillary has to be the ugliest FLOTUS in history!
Donald J. Trump: Why would we want her as the ugliest POTUS, too?
Donald J. Trump: Brad Pitt hates Crooked Hillary.
Donald J. Trump: I don’t even think Bill had sex with Crooked, Sick Hillary. #WasChelseaAdopted
Donald J. Trump: Crooked Hillary wants to take your 2nd Amendment rights away. Will guns be taken from her heavily armed Secret Service detail? Maybe not!
Donald J. Trump: However, you do have to hand it to Angelina for taking her clothes off in so many movies. Very brave.
Donald J. Trump: Nobody braver than our troops though! Not even naked Angelina!
Donald J. Trump: She never would have had a done a nude scene if she was a Muslim. #FeministsForTrump
Donald J. Trump: Think about it America.
Donald J. Trump: Commemorative Donald Trump coins now available for order. #Buy9The10thForFree
Friends;
I am sorry for any broken limbs and shattered teeth that my enthusiasms may have caused. It was not my intention to hurt any of you, and you should know that Father Russia loves all of his children.
I must thank you very much for this training session. I needed it. Sometimes, the stresses of a global Alpha can be intense. Sometimes, you must break something or you yourself will be broken!
(Waits for applause to subside)
A man does not have it easy in this world, let me tell you.
But I am not here to speak of the unknowable hardships and cruelties a man such as myself must endure. No, I am here to congratulate Ezio Gamba for the powerful and autocratic judo lessons he has dispensed to the national team! He has made you all super hardcore, and that is the Russian way!
We are too hardcore for the Americans!
(Cheering)
We are too hardcore for the Japanese!
(Cheering)
We are too hardcore all the feminine states of Europe!
(Cheering)
We are hardcore!!
(Waits for applause to subside)
And Ezio, much of that is due to you, and I thank you.
I will tell you something you would not guess, but it is not conducting surveillance operations or gassing protestors where I feel most at home.
No, it is on the judo Tatami. It is there where I am my powerful true self.
I am a master of all flesh in the Tatami. There, in a tight embrace, I can unleash the unmeasured furies of my passion!
When I was a young and confused KGB agent, it was judo that provided me with a safe spot. It was there I could be my masculine self and share my physical feelings with other men, but elders grew concerned at the disorienting and often unsettling intimacies of the matches, and so they set me up to fight with Lyudmila.
She was very mannish looking and a formidable opponent. I did not know she was of the females until much later, after much rough combat. We were eventually paired in matrimony and an off-spring was made in the dark of the Russian night.
The American song Islands In The Stream played, I remember.
Yekaterina.
A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Our daughter, it is the one good thing Lyudmila and I did together. She is better than any judo moves we ever made, and I am not ashamed to say I would kill with my hands any man who would think to violate her with his primitive heterosexual urges.
No longer paired with Lyudmila, I was free to practice judo with whomever I liked, and those were glorious times for Vlad. Such beautiful judo! Truly, it is the sport of love.
Anyway, my old female partner has gone on to marry another man, a man 20 years younger than her! How about that?
I could have him killed, but I will not. He will suffer with Lyudmila as I suffered with Lyudmila, and I will continue to be the most powerful Alpha in the world, enjoying judo with as many partners as I choose!
You must eat the pain, comrades!!!
Long live Russia, and long live judo!!
]]>These are some of the emails of encouragement that I sent–via his 2nd cousin– to Andy over the years:
Andy:
Hey, superstar! It’s your cool cousin Michael Murray, here! Remember me? We met about 20 years ago and I took you on your first Crop Circle hunt.
It was pretty awesome. We got kind of lost, though, and your father had to come and get us in his jeep. Boy, he really has the Murray temper, eh? Anyway, it was too bad about your parents splitting up when you were at such a vulnerable age, but I have to say, we all saw it coming.
By the way, I’m really good at tennis, too. It must run in the family! LOL!! 
Michael Murray
Andy:
I really think that if you want to get better at tennis you’re going to have to improve your first serve percentage.
Michael Murray
PS: I am sure you are very busy so I understand why you haven’t responded. I just want you to know that I’m not at all mad. I don’t have the Murray temper.
PPS: I can think of at least six tennis players who are better than you. You look like a gangly, diminished version of Colin Firth, so you’d really better up your game.
Andy:
Jesus!
I just saw a picture of your girlfriend and I have to say, she is crazy hot! You are really punching above your weight! I mean, shit!
By the way, you should write back. You’re not the king of the world, nor are you better than me just because you’re really rich, good at tennis (try playing me in Scrabble) and have a hot girlfriend.
Michael Murray
PS: I beat Friends star Matthew Perry in tennis. Have you?
Andy:
Wow.
Just wow.
I can’t believe you won Wimbledon. I guess Djokovic was really tired after his semi-final match, because normally he’d beat you pretty easily. By the way, when you “limped” into the crowd after you didn’t lose the championship and started hugging all of your handlers and yes-men, I noticed you avoided your mother. (She really does look like an aging Glenn Close) Was that intentional? Are you still stinging from the divorce?
Remember, it was me who told you that you needed to increase your first serve percentage. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget whose shoulders you’re sitting on as you receive all your glory.
Michael Murray
PS: I always return correspondence, especially if received from my family. We, the Murray’s, are very disappointed in you.
