showing Elizabeth Warren donning a Trump mask and then engaging in sexual acts with a man who was also wearing a Trump mask, after Amy Klobuchar’s last name was discovered to have roots within the Russian sphere of influence, and after it was revealed that Kamala Harris hates animals, particularly cuddly ones, the ranks of women running for the Democratic nominee for President have been substantially reduced. With electability being the key concern, all white, middle-aged men are currently being considered. I, who have American citizenship, am one of these men. At the urging of my inner circle and after much prayer, I have decided to run for the Democratic nomination for President.

Since last we spoke many have fallen and I have come to understand numbers.

I have learned that I can take a punch, if it’s a glancing blow. My punctuation comes and goes, since last we spoke. I have forgotten lyrics and come to believe in angels. Received dangerous information of a sexual nature. Realized the only ones I really like are the kids. I don’t want them to work. I want them to stay as they are, perfect things, almost perfect, running and happy. The light is always moving within them. Since last we spoke there has been chanting and a kind bus driver with flowing grey hair. Music and fires, and an Elvis impersonator, but no UFO’s, although I hungered for them.

Since last we spoke, black cats and the possibility of ghosts. Vitamins dissolved into water and planes crashing all over the world. Into Jungles. Into Oceans. Into Mountains and corn fields and unknowable bodies of water. The weather, so much weather has happened since last we spoke. The hurricanes! Like buzz saws they cut across the oceans. Memories. Memories were forged and lost. Driving easy through the streets, late, windows rolled down. That’s The Way I Like It by KC and the Sunshine Band blaring. Head out the window like a dog, hopeful that more of the world might pour within. I lingered over you, since last we spoke. I wanted to be nude with you, under a dirty sheet in a borrowed house. I wanted to climb a tree and become all of the leaves. Since last we spoke I remembered your eyes, the way they changed and became lonely. The way they stayed lonely. I have eaten too much bread, since last we spoke, and walked impossible fields that lay like green blankets before deep water. I have used the Instant Pot and ridden my bicycle with no hands, but I have not changed my mind about Dolly Parton, since last we spoke.

Heidi now lives a life of glory with Rachelle’s parents about an hour north of Toronto. Today I have given the Blog over to her:

******************************************

Heidi so very happy and popular and good-looking.

Heidi in best shape of her life, too.

Heidi superstar.

Heidi have no idea why not on cover of Sport’s Illustrated big sex issue this month!

Heidi hot.
Make no sense.
Editor team so speciesist!
All very, very bad dogs!!
Heidi bite them in face if ever try to pet her.

Still, Heidi life so very, very, very good and when sleep come, it carry Heidi and Jones on same dream-river.

 
Dream #1

Heidi and Jones go running at night.

Full moon light in us.

Fast run.
Green run through wet meadow.
Wide run.
Above and behind the dark wind follows.
All night we give chase.

At end Heidi lick egg sandwich off Jones face.

 
Dream #2

Heidi and Jones not Heidi and Jones, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones. Live in castle in mountains of France. Very nice castle. Bedroom in turrets. Like lofts. VERY expensive, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones super rich. Can afford it no problem!

Fly so fast and high! See everything. Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones terrible missiles! We protectors of freedom and liberty. Fly like beautiful rockets, destroying enemy drones with fierce talons. Boom! Drones explode into fire-light at our touch! Hah! Stupid drones!! Get one million dollars (US) for every dead drone. Eagle-Heidi better than Eagle-Jones at it. Eagle-Heidi kill 268 drones, Eagle-Jones 12.

Heidi always teaching Jones, even when Eagles.

 
Dream #3

Heidi and Jones at Dolly Parton concert.

Heidi fucking love Dolly Parton.

Get asked up on stage to sing Islands In The Stream.

Heidi love that song so much want to be buried in it.

Jones doesn’t know words and start to cry.

Heidi SO embarrassed she show Jones her teeth and then pee!

Dream #4

In dream Heidi and Jones partners in high school science class. Assignment to dissect frog, but Heidi get excited and eat frog before start!! Taste so good!! Not like chicken sushi as Heidi expect, but like hamburger! Weird but delicious hamburger without bun! Jones mad he didn’t get to stab frog and start to cry! Little baby throws temper tantrum and yells, “NO!”

Heidi no take shit.

Heidi disciplinarian.

German in Heidi.

Show him teeth and growl to let Jones know Heidi serious, and then Heidi see another frog and eat it, too. Heidi can’t stop herself, Heidi eat all frogs in class! And then Heidi get detention because Jones sucky tattletale.

 
Dream #5

Heidi and Jones on subway.

Two-legger accuse Jones of “Manspreading.” Take picture and says post on Internet to shame Jones!! Jones no understand and start to cry!! Heidi get so furious she bite two-legger throat! Perfect bite! And then subway change and traveling underwater! Glowing fish everywhere! Heidi wonder what glowing fish taste like, then notice Jones has lasagna on face and lick it off.

Friends;

I am sorry for any broken limbs and shattered teeth that my enthusiasms may have caused. It was not my intention to hurt any of you, and you should know that Father Russia loves all of his children.

I must thank you very much for this training session. I needed it. Sometimes, the stresses of a global Alpha can be intense. Sometimes, you must break something or you yourself will be broken!

(Waits for applause to subside)

A man does not have it easy in this world, let me tell you.

But I am not here to speak of the unknowable hardships and cruelties a man such as myself must endure. No, I am here to congratulate Ezio Gamba for the powerful and autocratic judo lessons he has dispensed to the national team! He has made you all super hardcore, and that is the Russian way!

We are too hardcore for the Americans!
(Cheering)

We are too hardcore for the Japanese!
(Cheering)

We are too hardcore all the feminine states of Europe!
(Cheering)

We are hardcore!!
(Waits for applause to subside)

And Ezio, much of that is due to you, and I thank you.

I will tell you something you would not guess, but it is not conducting surveillance operations or gassing protestors where I feel most at home.

No, it is on the judo Tatami. It is there where I am my powerful true self.

I am a master of all flesh in the Tatami. There, in a tight embrace, I can unleash the unmeasured furies of my passion!

When I was a young and confused KGB agent, it was judo that provided me with a safe spot. It was there I could be my masculine self and share my physical feelings with other men, but elders grew concerned at the disorienting and often unsettling intimacies of the matches, and so they set me up to fight with Lyudmila.

She was very mannish looking and a formidable opponent. I did not know she was of the females until much later, after much rough combat. We were eventually paired in matrimony and an off-spring was made in the dark of the Russian night.

The American song Islands In The Stream played, I remember.

Yekaterina.

A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

Our daughter, it is the one good thing Lyudmila and I did together. She is better than any judo moves we ever made, and I am not ashamed to say I would kill with my hands any man who would think to violate her with his primitive heterosexual urges.

No longer paired with Lyudmila, I was free to practice judo with whomever I liked, and those were glorious times for Vlad. Such beautiful judo! Truly, it is the sport of love.

Anyway, my old female partner has gone on to marry another man, a man 20 years younger than her! How about that?

I could have him killed, but I will not. He will suffer with Lyudmila as I suffered with Lyudmila, and I will continue to be the most powerful Alpha in the world, enjoying judo with as many partners as I choose!

You must eat the pain, comrades!!!

Long live Russia, and long live judo!!

@michaelmurrayca I’m 20 rows from the front, dead centre. Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the storm.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah just took stage to sound of delirious fans. Tried to give her my manuscript but failed. Awkward moment.

@michaelmurrayca No, not failed. Just given another opportunity to build my life.

@michaelmurrayca “You honour me by being here,” Oprah says, “Real question is why are you here?”

@michaelmurrayca  “Love tittie shows!” I yell. Unsophisticated crowd doesn’t appreciate joke.

@michaelmurrayca Feminazis everywhere. VERY sour looks.

@michaelmurrayca “As small girl, grandma said I had to learn to hang clothes for the life I would have. Inside voice said no.”

@michaelmurrayca Blahblahblahblahblah #Oprahmanuscripthater

@michaelmurrayca There are like 8 Asian people in the crowd.

@michaelmurrayca Wonder what’s up with that.

@michaelmurrayca Could it be that the Asians hate Oprah????

@michaelmurrayca Oprah says she was Miss Fire Prevention at 16. “I could out talk those Southern girls.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah thinks she’s better than Southern girls. #Dixiechickswillwritesongaboutthis

@michaelmurrayca “Nothing is happening willy-nilly to you. You’re creating your own life.”

@michaelmurrayca Three women behind me just started to cry.

@michaelmurrayca One of them is really letting it go. Worried she might lose control of her bladder.

@michaelmurrayca Just looked behind me, major sobber has Oprah tattoo on her calf.

@michaelmurrayca O is part comedian, part actor, part preacher, part big sister and all woman!!

@michaelmurrayca Funny, self-deprecating and riveting. Crowd is completely enthralled.

@michaelmurrayca Best. Storyteller. On. Planet.

@michaelmurrayca Important to note Oprah has great hair today, cascading curls. Also, purple sparkly dress with contrasting purple shrug.

@michaelmurrayca I would fucking follow that woman into war.

@michaelmurrayca Would fight in mud.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah is like a black Dolly Parton.

@michaelmurrayca Would fight like hell for Dolly Parton, too.

@michaelmurrayca Swear to God they just did something to make place smell like pumpkins and vanilla.

@michaelmurrayca Going to note that in my gratitude journal. Grateful for pumpkin/vanilla scent.

@michaelmurrayca “My dream is to be able use my life to touch yours. To live on the edge of glory and sit with you.”

@michaelmurrayca People are going crazy, like she took her top off or something.

@michaelmurrayca If she wanted to touch my life, why not take manuscript???? #Oprahcaughtinlie

@michaelmurrayca “Sit. Feast on your life.” Fade to black and Oprah shouts “Ottawaaaaa” as pulsing beat starts and standing ovation.

@michaelmurrayca Then she gives away her Manolo Blahniks. Just took em off and put gold and diamond slippers on. Asked who in audience is size 10.5 and voila!

@michaelmurrayca Pretty sure Oprah feet must smell like pumpkin and vanilla.

* I must note that Ottawa Citizen megastar Louisa Taylor @louisataylorCIT was also live Tweeting the Oprah event and that as it turns out, I Tweeted maybe some of the exact same thing that she did, almost as if I wasn’t there at all. But no worries, our legal system will sort it all out!

At any rate, at this reading I brought a guest book and asked all of the attendees to please leave a comment critiquing my work so that I might work on improving  my performance.

These are the comments that were left:

1.You are easily the bravest person that I have ever met.

2.Funny??

3. I used to be very nervous speaking in public, too. When my friend Sandra was getting married and asked me to be Maid of Honour I was terrified. Honestly, I could not imagine standing up in front of all those people and speaking, so I really know how you must have been feeling! My heart went out to you, and that heckler, even though he did get off some good ones, was way out of line. So what if you look better in ladies jeans? It doesn’t mean you’re not a man! Anyway, what worked for me and might work for you is signing up with Toastmasters, it’s like a crash course in confidence! Anyhow, better luck next time!

4. Really appreciated the open bar, but why only from 8:00 to 8:30?

5. Your teeth are very distracting. I couldn’t stop looking at them and didn’t hear a word you said. You should really look into getting veneers.

6. Wasn’t expecting the Karaoke, never heard such a plaintive version of Working 9 to 5, so thanks for that, sort of. I thought you were pretty funny. I’m not sure exactly what it is you’re aiming for, but it’s a very disquieting stage presence you have. Interesting.

7. Jesus, Mike. Didn’t you learn your lesson at Mark and Julia’s wedding?

8. I couldn’t hear you. You have a thin and raspy voice and I think you might have asthma. You need to stand up straighter if you want to speak into the microphone.

9. Oh, Michael.

10. First of all, your fly was undone and you had what looked like (I hope) toothpaste stains on both your sweater and shoe. I know that people who get stage fright are told to imagine the audience in their underwear, but you went creepy overboard! I actually saw you licking your lips at one point when a college student bent down to pick-up some change she’d dropped. Gross!! Also, your feelings about the Olympics and 9/11 Conspiracy theories were not welcome– you were like the sleazy, drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.