She loved many people, most of them more than me, and my love was cloying and imperfect. I lost her many times. Days, weeks, months later she would return without tears to my shabby and crooked apartment on Coloniale. And I would attempt ferocity and steely eyes, but I was powerless before her. Oh, Monique in new pants, Monique skating at Carre St. Louis, Monique opening a tin of tuna—each moment an act of singular and irreducible beauty.

Her dreams took on the form of divine revelation. Each morning she woke up astonished, unable to grasp the portent of her nocturnal wanderings, but certain of their implicit significance. They became puzzles to solve, ghosts to tend, arrows to follow.

Watching her eyelashes flutter and knowing at that precise moment she was dreaming, I imagined them taking form and floating like mysterious cave drawings in the dark above us. I wanted to pluck them from the air, to preserve them so we could study them later, but even in my mind’s eye they eluded me, curling away like smoke and then disappearing, a trail of phosphorescence reabsorbed into the ocean.

After she left in the morning I would put on the sweater she had been wearing. Intoxicated with her redolence I would wander the streets breathing her in. Everything shining.

SWORD FOR SALE—WARNING—MIGHT BE HAUNTED–$150

This sword is from the 1700s. I got it at an antique store in my memaw’s hometown back in 1984. The person who sold it to me told me to be careful because there is a 90+% chance that it is cursed. Since it’s been in my house my life has descended into pure chaos. My knitting group came over and they all said they could feel a strange energy in my sword room (I have a collection of over 100 swords. This is my only haunted sword). Since I got this sword, about 3 times a week a crucifix will fall off of my wall for no reason. I am 76 years old. I cannot have this cursed item in my house anymore. Please take it off my hands!!

This is my response:

I am very intrigued by your sword, but unfortunately the $150 asking price is far too much. Instead, I would like to offer a trade. I have two unique and haunted pieces that I think might exceed the value of your haunted sword, and which you might then trade or sell, thus allowing you to acquire more non-haunted swords for your knitting bunker.

The Haunted Painting

It is called The Green Man and is about 8 feet by 5 in size. It darkly looms. I had a heart attack in its presence, and then fell into a black and murderous depression as I sat beneath it working on my graphic novel about a green man who goes on a killing spree. If it wasn’t for Netflix, I’m not sure I would have pulled out of that spiral. The paintings bold use of colour and the ominous unsettling mystery that it projects, one that seems everywhere at once, but mostly, in a threatening way, above and behind you, ensures that the Green Man will always make for an amazing, if chilling conversation piece.

The Haunted Squirrel

The squirrel is called Mr. Peanut and he was found hanging from a hydro wire in front of our apartment. It was as if he had just committed suicide. I have no idea why, but I was compelled to bring his carcass down and stuff it. Since then, he has lived on our mantelpiece, but occasionally we find him in different parts of the apartment as if transported by mystical elements we do not understand. For instance, I once woke up from a nightmare yelling ‘SKY DEATH’ with Mr. Peanut on my throat. It’s truly unique piece.

I will trade you both the haunted painting and the haunted squirrel for the haunted sword. It is a good deal.

Let me know.

Michael Murray

I’m walking along the Serengeti like any normal day and suddenly my spots begin to fall off. I’m freaked-out, of course, and I try to roll around on the ground to get them back on me but it just makes it worse and they continue to fall off, but at a faster rate now. I start to run away, but as I’m doing this I realize that my spots have become a trail that will lead my enemies to me.

Lobster

I am just walking along and then I find myself in some sort of trap. It’s like everything is in slow motion and I can’t get back out the way that I came in. I’m in a real panic and then very slowly the trap, with me in it, begins to rise up through the water and I just know that something horrible is going to happen, and that’s when I wake up.

Woodpecker

It’s always the same tree. I’m pecking away, trying to find some grubs or ants to eat and then I break through a barrier and I’m looking into a big room that’s in the middle of the tree where my mother is having sex with my uncle.  My beak is stuck in the tree and I can’t look away. It’s horrible.

Butterfly

I am flying along and then something happens and I’m only able to fly in a straight line. I’m doing everything I can, but still, just a straight line. I feel so out of control, so lost.

Kangaroo

I’m looking in my pouch for my Joey and I can’t find him. I’m frantic and just keep digging deeper and deeper, but all I keep pulling out are tufts of hair and then I’m completely bald and I know, I just know that the Dingo got my baby and that it was my fault.

Squirrel

I’m getting ready to hibernate for the winter and I’m collecting as many nuts as I possibly can. I can’t stop eating them and I’m just getting bigger and bigger and bigger and then I start to float up into the sky and I feel like I’m going to drift away into the vast universe and never be seen again.

Seahorse

I’m floating around and everything is very calm. I don’t feel threatened at all and in a flash there are Sea Monkeys everywhere. The chattering is horrible and there’s nothing I can do to get away, and then they all pile on my back, whistling and teasing, and I try to buck them off but I can’t.

Penguin

I am on an ice floe alone in the middle of the ocean and the water keeps getting warmer.

These are some excerpts from his journal:

It’s just like the Hunger Games. I’m in the woods with a bow and arrow and rock and it’s either kill or be killed. A bureaucrat shows up and asks me a bunch of questions about expenditures and I’m going to shoot her but my bow and arrow thing doesn’t work, so I start to hit her in the face with my big rock. When I wake up I feel completely awesome, like I had just recovered a fumble.

I’m in Chicago on my trade mission vacation and I’m standing in front of that bean cloud sculpture thing in the midst of a big media scrum. Tough questions, man. And then I see my reflection in the bean cloud thing. It’s like it’s me but it’s not me, and I can see that Bean Cloud Rob is trying to say something to me and that it’s important, like the winning play for my football team or the answer to one of the questions I’m getting asked, but something is preventing the message from getting across. It was creepy, like Bean Cloud Rob was a ghost, and so I got mad and started to push and shake the Bean Cloud, but nothing happened. Woke up fucking furious.

In my dream the NHL season is about to be lost.  Everybody is sad and angry. I drive up in my Escalade and get out and stride into the boardroom where the reps for the owners and players are meeting. “Guys, it’s like this: 50% for the owners, 50% for the players and 100% for the fans! You got it, damn it, or do I have to tell you again?!” And everybody is completely thrilled with my plan and the Boyz n the Bright White Sports Car by Trooper starts to blast and we party like it’s 1999! And then a chick peels off her top and it’s even more awesome.

This one is friggin’ weird, but I’m a peanut that’s trapped in its shell. I’m at a ballgame and I know I don’t have long. I can hear some guy reaching into a bag and grabbing a handful of nuts, breaking the shells open and then chomping down on ‘em. It’s like goddamn thunder, it’s like I can hear ‘em screming! I know I have to escape but I don’t know how. I’m banging my peanut fists against the shell and hollering, but nothing’s happening and then I wake up really frustrated and mad.

September 27, 1978

Dear Andy:

Summer Camp was awesome!

I’ll never forget Camp Pinnacle or the excellent times we shared. I am disappointed that we never got to see Bigfoot or a UFO, though. But just so you know, I would play Cowboys and Indians with you anytime!

You will always be my cowboy.

Your Indian,

Michael Murray

April 16th, 1981

Dear Anderson:

Just so you know, I like girls. I really do. I don’t know, maybe you think that what took place between us (and it was only in the water!!) was like, homo or something, but it wasn’t. I like girls.

I kissed one last week. Her name was Padmakshi and it felt different but good. I haven’t yet felt her boob, but I know the day is coming. Do you think about Camp Pinnacle a lot? I do. Your eyes are as blue as the waters of Lake Wantok.

Michael Murray

April 19th, 1981

Dear Anderson:

Turns out Padmakshi was a whore! I saw her necking and getting felt up

by James Trylowsky last night! I hate her and I hope her house burns

down! I didn’t really like her anyway as her skin was too dry. I mean,

what does she wash with, sandpaper?

Michael Murray

PS: My parents just got a dog and we named her Cooper!

October 25rd, 1986

Dear Anderson:

I’m at university in Montreal now and the babes are wild! Man alive! I’m drunk all the time and the chicks are just all over me. I can’t keep them away in either French or English! Not that I’d want to. I mean, there’s no way I’d want to keep the girls away, because I love

them!

I love them for sex!

I think I’m going to be a lawyer when I get out of school. What about you, what do you want to be? Do you still have that cowboy outfit you used to wear back at Camp Pinnacle?

Michael Murray

October 3, 1991

Dear Anderson:

I’m working as a waiter and living with my parents. How are you?

Michael Murray

July 6, 1996

Dear Anderson:

Wow! I just saw you on TV and I have to say, you look fucking fantastic! You’re all famous and everything. I always knew that you would be. You were the best swimmer in camp! I always thought that you just had good manners, but now I know it’s because you came from money and had been to Europe and stuff. You’re quite the catch! (Ha-Ha)

I should let you know that it’s also pretty great to be me, too. I still like girls quite a bit, even though the recurring dreams and migraines continue. Ha, it’s funny, but I didn’t even notice that I chewed my nails until my therapist pointed it out to me during a session. She’s big into dream analysis, this one, and she wants me to focus on a dream I’ve had about twice a month ever since, well, I guess roughly the time we attended Camp Pinnacle.

Tell me what do you think?

I am a boy and I’m swimming in a lake. I don’t know how but I can tell that Jesus is watching me and that it’s his strength that’s giving me the power to swim. I’m swimming so fast! My mind and body are in perfect concert and I can do anything that I want in the water. It’s sunny and perfect, life at it’s best, and then I see another boy, Anderson, and he’s underwater tugging at my trunks. We begin to play and suddenly Jesus appears in the form of a shark and he’s swimming right at me and then I wake up screaming and covered in sweat.

Michael Murray

PS: The family dog Cooper died three months ago and we’re all very sad.

December 21, 1999

Dear Cooper Anderson the Superstar:

Is Y2K anything to really worry about?

Michael Murray

PS: I am including a picture I drew of you as a rugged tank commander.

February 17th, 2005

Dear Anderson:

It’s been a big year for you!

You covered Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami in Thailand, that revolution in Beirut, the death of the pope and the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. That was so romantic, don’t you think? I mean, after so many years their love still burned brightly and they were able to finally get married! It fills my heart with hope to watch that. And the outfits, the outfits were just awesome. If I ever get married I think I’m going to have a theme wedding, something fun. Maybe one half of the wedding party will dress up as cowboys and the other half as Indians? What do you think of that?

By the way, The Mole was awesome and I really miss it!

Michael Murray

June 1st, 2012

Anderson:

Well, I’m glad that you came to me with that question.

It’s true that your sexuality has nothing to do with your career, but at this point you’ve become such a well-known figure that to not address it seems a tacit admission of shame. People are going to love Anderson Cooper whether he’s gay or not, and they are always going to respect what you have to say. The truth is that it’s just not that big a deal— at least not for you— although it might be for others who for whatever reason keep things repressed and bottled up until they think that they’re going to explode and murder their parents whom they still live with. You should just say, “Look, the fact is I’m gay, always have been and always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself and proud.” And then just leave it at that.

That’s what I would do if I was gay, but of course, I’m not.

I’m still very straight and the migraines are still very bad.

I’ve been eating a lot of Kale, hoping that might help.

You might be interested to hear that after seeing Moonrise Kingdom I went and visited Camp Pinnacle. I sat on the dock by the lake (remember?) for a long time just staring out at the waters and thinking about all that lay beneath the surface.

As ever,

Michael Murray

******************************************

Heidi always have vivid dreams.

Last night Heidi fly.  Heidi so fast through air, like bullet through clouds, dogrocket explode into flock of seagulls!

Seagulls try to escape but can’t, Heidi gobble them like she Ms. Pacman, and then Heidi start to feel all heavy and full, get sleepy and start to fall to earth then wake up! What dream mean?!

Heidi have her own TV show. Variety type.

Heidi on greenwet grass, mud and moon. Moving fast and low, all sense on high alert. Heidi at top of her game, can smell mouse fear two miles away! Tail wag, tail wag! And then Heidi begin to dig hole, digdigdig! Not know why, just dig, something to find, Heidi just know it, and then Heidi dig into open, perfect den and there Heidi see father dog licking teeth of another male dog! Heidi no know what to do, so Heidi bark, wake up barking! Awful, just awful dream! Bad dream, bad!!

Heidi standing on back legs for treat. Heidi hate this. Like circus monkey. Like slave circus monkey! Very humiliating. Four-eyed, two-legged treat giver lean in to give Heidi monkey treat and then Heidi lunge and bite face off!!

Heidi making mince meat out of fetch. Every ball that thrown, Heidi snatch in mouth just like that! Heidi in zone! Like ball moving in slo-motion. Then Heidi have to lick herself! Can’t stop licking! Ball keeps getting thrown and bouncing by Heidi, but she can no longer get it because she always licking. Other dogs come, but not nice dogs. Evil dogs with fire eyes and breath like chicory. They just circle Heidi and watch, watch Heidi with fire eyes and Heidi can do nothing but lick.

In dream Heidi living in den with cats. Heidi speak perfect Cat, understand everything. Heidi have good time and dance with cats.

Everything great and then we start to talk about politics and cats very arrogant in view, don’t believe in government! Don’t understand concept of pack sharing. Cats won’t listen to Heidi, who making good points, just say animals like Heidi just need to work harder. This infuriate Heidi! Heidi rip heads off cats!! Blood everywhere!

Heidi invent new type of heating pad that becomes meat after you warm. Get warm and then eat meat! Heidi become very famous dog and have many lovers. Very sexy good dream.