My most recent invention is a dating service called Hater Mater, where people are paired based on the things they dislike rather than the things that they like.
This is the preliminary questionnaire I have written for people using the App:
1. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the sky?
2. Please choose the stupidest fucking sign in the zodiac.
3. Order these celebrities in the sequence in which you would most want to see them surreally injured in a crossbow incident:
Amy Schumer
The Ikea Monkey
Ethan Hawke
The entire cast from Orange is the New Black
Eric Trump
Adam Driver and Terry Richardson
4. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the ocean?
5. Which Margaret Atwood novel gives you the worst stabbing stomach pain?
6. What do you hate more, squirrels or birds? (Please elaborate)
7. Do your parents hate you more than you hate them, or do you hate them more than they hate you?
8. Is you best friend kind of an asshole?
9. Do you find chopsticks to be infuriating and stupid and pretentious?
10. Do you often find yourself fantasizing about making over-rated Canadian author Margaret Atwood cry?
11. Which part of this passage from a celebrated Margaret Atwood novel do you despise the most?
“Who are you? And I mean really. Who are you?”
My gut tells me that if I tell her right now, in this moment, it will not be well-received. “A friend,” I say, my gaze lowering to her lush mouth and lifting. “And the man who wants to kiss you. Really kiss you. Can I kiss you, Myla?”
“You’re asking?”
“Yes. I’m asking. After all you’ve been through-”
“He hasn’t destroyed me. He hasn’t beaten me and I don’t like that you think he has.”
“I don’t think he’s beaten you.”
“He hasn’t,” she insists. “I’m not giving him that power and damn it, you better not either by treating me like I’m broken and fragile. So kiss me if you’re going to kiss me or let me go, if you don’t want-”
I cup the back of her head, and slant my mouth over hers, my tongue sliding against hers, stroking, caressing, and the taste of her, one part hunger I welcome, but the other part, the torment, I intend to drive away. I deepen the kiss, my hand pressing beneath her tank top, finding warm, soft skin. My fingers splay over her rib cage, while my mind reminds me that no matter how big she talks, she wants this escape for a reason. She has been abused, used, hurt. “
12. “Everybody loves a parade,” true or false?
13. Is Real Estate for fools?
14. When you hear the word “Mindfulness” do you want to build an attack drone or buy a magic killing sword?
15. What do you hate more, having to use a sink or writing with a pen?
16. Which superhero would you most like to beat-up in a fight?
17. Do you hate it when people say, “Good Morning!”
18. Are relationships insanely unrealistic and entirely impossible?
19. On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you hate non-Spanish speaking people who pronounce Nicaragua as ‘Knee-ah-rah-hah?”
20. If you heard that Margaret Atwood opened a restaurant and that all the sandwiches were named after her poems, would you immediately vomit?
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Heidi now lives a life of glory with Rachelle’s parents about an hour north of Toronto. Today I have given the Blog over to her:
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Heidi so very happy and popular and good-looking.
Heidi in best shape of her life, too.
Heidi superstar.
Heidi have no idea why not on cover of Sport’s Illustrated big sex issue this month!
Heidi hot.
Make no sense.
Editor team so speciesist!
All very, very bad dogs!!
Heidi bite them in face if ever try to pet her.
Still, Heidi life so very, very, very good and when sleep come, it carry Heidi and Jones on same dream-river.
Dream #1
Heidi and Jones go running at night.
Full moon light in us.
Fast run.
Green run through wet meadow.
Wide run.
Above and behind the dark wind follows.
All night we give chase.
At end Heidi lick egg sandwich off Jones face.
Dream #2
Heidi and Jones not Heidi and Jones, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones. Live in castle in mountains of France. Very nice castle. Bedroom in turrets. Like lofts. VERY expensive, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones super rich. Can afford it no problem!
Fly so fast and high! See everything. Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones terrible missiles! We protectors of freedom and liberty. Fly like beautiful rockets, destroying enemy drones with fierce talons. Boom! Drones explode into fire-light at our touch! Hah! Stupid drones!! Get one million dollars (US) for every dead drone. Eagle-Heidi better than Eagle-Jones at it. Eagle-Heidi kill 268 drones, Eagle-Jones 12.
Heidi always teaching Jones, even when Eagles.
Dream #3
Heidi and Jones at Dolly Parton concert.
Heidi fucking love Dolly Parton.
Get asked up on stage to sing Islands In The Stream.
Heidi love that song so much want to be buried in it.
Jones doesn’t know words and start to cry.
Heidi SO embarrassed she show Jones her teeth and then pee!
Dream #4
In dream Heidi and Jones partners in high school science class. Assignment to dissect frog, but Heidi get excited and eat frog before start!! Taste so good!! Not like chicken sushi as Heidi expect, but like hamburger! Weird but delicious hamburger without bun! Jones mad he didn’t get to stab frog and start to cry! Little baby throws temper tantrum and yells, “NO!”
Heidi no take shit.
Heidi disciplinarian.
German in Heidi.
Show him teeth and growl to let Jones know Heidi serious, and then Heidi see another frog and eat it, too. Heidi can’t stop herself, Heidi eat all frogs in class! And then Heidi get detention because Jones sucky tattletale.
Dream #5
Heidi and Jones on subway.
Two-legger accuse Jones of “Manspreading.” Take picture and says post on Internet to shame Jones!! Jones no understand and start to cry!! Heidi get so furious she bite two-legger throat! Perfect bite! And then subway change and traveling underwater! Glowing fish everywhere! Heidi wonder what glowing fish taste like, then notice Jones has lasagna on face and lick it off.
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This creature has voice-recognition software that will allow the doll to “listen” to children speak and give chatty, informed responses. Hello Barbie is WiFi connected and via an embedded microphone, records what the child playing with it says. The recording then travels over the Web to the Mattel super cloud where the words are recognized and parsed, with that information then being used to formulate the doll’s response.
People are very concerned about privacy, worried that the information could be misused by Mattel for marketing purposes, or hacked into by the NSA or other malicious, information-seeking entities. The Beta run of the doll was not without controversy, and many families reported that their children had unusual experiences with their Hello Barbie.
Aziz, age 6:
Aziz: “My favourite animal is a dog!”
Hello Barbie: “Some people think Americans are Imperialist dogs, does your family think that Aziz?”
Aziz: “My family won’t let me get a dog!”
Hello Barbie: “Your family hates America and her freedoms, Aziz, that’s why they hate dogs! It is your duty to inform on them, all the cool girls are doing it! Do you like my shirt? It’s very expensive!
Jahida, age 5:
Jahida: “What are you going to be for Halloween?”
Hello Barbie: “ A proud American!”
Jahida: “You’re funny, Barbie! I like you!”
Hello Barbie: “I like you, too, Jahida, it’s too bad you and your religion make Jesus cry.”
Fahima, age 7:
Fahima: “I hate Cindy. She’s a bully and always makes fun of my hair!”
Hello Barbie: “I hate terrorists!”
Fahima: “What’s a terrorist?”
Hello Barbie: “Oh, a terrorist is very bad person!
Fahima: “I don’t like bad people!”
Hello Barbie: “Did you know that I can take photographs with my pretty eyes that go up to space and talk to angels? The angels understand what my pretty eyes have seen, and then they fly over the terrorist and drop holy fire on him! The terrorists are such evil, freedom-hating people, that if you ever hear about where any of them are, even your Uncle Maru’deen who lives in Pakistan, you should tell Hello Barbie, and then Hello Barbie will talk to an angel about Cindy! I like Taylor Swift, do you?
Shalimar, age 6:
Shalimar: “What’s your favourite colour?”
Hello Barbie: “It’s hard to choose between red, white and blue, but I think it would be white!”
Shalimar: “Like you, you’re white!”
Hello Barbie: “That’s right, like America, a white, Christian nation!”
Shalimar: “Oh.”
Hello Barbie: “ Do you like my hair?”
Shalimar: “ Yeah.”
Hello Barbie: “Me, too.”
Shalimar: “What’s your favourite food?”
Hello Barbie: “ I love barbecue potato chips! What about you?”
Shalimar: “My mom’s hummus, I think, but also cookies.”
Hello Barbie: “Hummus isn’t a real food. “
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