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Me: Oh.
Me: I didn’t know you were getting a massage.
Me: I thought you were at the Dufferin Mall trying to improve our phone plans.
Me: Sure was off with that one!
Me: Well, I hope the massage is doing the trick, anyway!
Me: Awesome. You really do deserve to have a “tender yet forceful experience that lifts you out of your body and punishes you in all the right places.”
Me: What’s the masseuses name again? Yana? Didn’t she used to be a hot Russian long jumper before some sort of sex scandal?
Me: Pierre?
Me: He’s your masseuse?
Me: I thought he was your power skating coach.
Me: Both, eh? That’s a little weird.
Me: I see.
Me: He’s a renaissance man.
Me: I do too know what that means.
Me: It means he’s a douche.
Me: You know he lied about being in the NHL, eh?
Me: That’s something sacred, you don’t lie about stuff like that!
Me: Oh, he was in the German league then.
Me: Not. The. Same. Thing.
Me: Like playing in Peewee.
Me: I would dominate that stupid league.
Me: Whatever.
Me: Whatever.
Me: You did what?
Me: Look, my Fantasy Baseball Stats file is private.
Me: I have no idea why you found a bunch of racy photographs of Kristen Stewart in there.
Me: Not a clue.
Me: Maybe Jones put them there.
Me: Really? That’s the stupidest thing you ever heard?
Me: Look, I’m not stupid just because I failed math a bunch of times.
Me: Or French.
Me: Or any other subject!
Me: I’m Alt-Smart.
Me: No, it’s different than being “special.”
Me: You’re being a bully.
Me: You are not a safe space!
Me: Look, look, why are we fighting? It’s Christmas!
Me: Sure.
Me: Of course I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping!
Me: I’m no rookie.
Me: Practically done.
Me: You and Pierre wanted tickets to that Pentatonix concert, right?
Me: Or was it the travelling version of The Price is Right?
Me: Maybe I’ll get you two both!
Me: Yes.
Me: Wow, that would be great!
Me: I had no idea they made Kristen Stewart sex dolls!
Me: What do you mean, “That’s not what my Internet history says?”
Me: Well, I don’t know.
Me: Must have been some mistake.
Me: Maybe the baby sitter was looking up Kristen Stewart sex dolls? How would I know!?
Me: Also, maybe my account was hacked by a Russian?
Me: Well, I’m a pretty important writer.
Me: The Russians know that if they attribute something to me it will have great influence on the public.
Me: They’re smart, the Russians.
Me: You ever see them play hockey? So very clever!
Me: I did not think that Aleppo was a type of dog food two months ago!
Me: I’m pretty keyed in to world events. Always have been.
Me: I have always stood with Syria.
Me: Sure I did.
Me: I gave away that old bathroom scale to a Syrian refugee family.
Me: Well, yes.
Me: The organizer never did come to pick it up, but that’s on her!
Me: She’s the one who doesn’t care about Syrians, not me!
Me: I care about their weight, about how they adapt to the North American diet!
Me: Don’t want them to get diabetes!
Me: Sorry?
Me: Why did I text and interrupt your massage?
Me: I don’t remember.
Me: Oh, now I remember!
Me: If the last three women on the planet were you, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence, I would choose you.
Me: Yes, I am very sweet.
Me: I love you, too, see you soon! xoxo
]]>Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
