showing Elizabeth Warren donning a Trump mask and then engaging in sexual acts with a man who was also wearing a Trump mask, after Amy Klobuchar’s last name was discovered to have roots within the Russian sphere of influence, and after it was revealed that Kamala Harris hates animals, particularly cuddly ones, the ranks of women running for the Democratic nominee for President have been substantially reduced. With electability being the key concern, all white, middle-aged men are currently being considered. I, who have American citizenship, am one of these men. At the urging of my inner circle and after much prayer, I have decided to run for the Democratic nomination for President.
TRANSCRIPT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE OF MICHAEL MURRAY’S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ladies and Gentleman,
As you are all now aware, Donald Trump is an asshole.
Sorry?
No. No. Absolutely not. I did not mean to exclude anybody, I did not mean to be sexist. It was a mistake. I meant to say “Americans.” I’m a little nervous. Can we just start again? Really? Can’t this just be edited out? Sweet Jesus, you media people really are the worst. Also, interrupting is very rude. I’m going to bring back civility, you know.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Just watch me.
Okay.
Whatever.
I’m just going to move along now.
Fellow Americans,
My name is Michael Murray and I am running for the office of President of the United States.
What qualifies me to run this, the greatest country in the history of the universe, the country that gave the world baseball and fantasy baseball, Climate Change, Dolly Parton, Cheetos and sharks? It doesn’t matter. Suffice it to say that the members of my Sky Watch UFO Club were very satisfied with my leadership, and that my lack of a driver’s license is indicative of my visionary nature, as I could see an advanced, technological future that included robot chauffeurs. Also, I can almost speak two languages. Now, together, united as never before, it is time to take Trump down and Make America Great Again!
Shit.
Nerves again.
No. Not at all.
I meant Realize America’s Potential.
Yes.
RAP for short.
And we will have hats and buttons with that on it once the donations start to pour in. You can send me money here:
Together, we can Realize America’s Potential!
Michael Murray
As many of you will have heard, I have started a weekly Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
This is an excerpt from our most recent episode:
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Me: Before we start today’s Podcast I have an announcement to make. On our last broadcast Heidi made some remarks that were very hurtful to some beloved members of our community.
The appalling statements she made might even be considered an act of violence in and of themselves, and let me say unequivocally that we here at The Breakfast Club have always, and will always be, great allies to all of our friends in the SCBDB community. Your struggle is our struggle, and we will not tolerate any sort of hate speech, calls to violence or prejudice against you and those that you love. You are our family. We love you and stand beside you. I want to take this time now to formally apologize to all Squirrels, Cats, Birds and Dumb Birds who were wounded by Heidi’s words. We are profoundly sorry.
Although Heidi has been a mostly loyal dog to my family for nearly a dozen years, I simply cannot excuse her behaviour, and so she has been removed from the Podcast, effective immediately, and sent to live up in the country with my wife’s parents where she will undergo prolonged sensitivity training.
Taking her place will be Margaret Atwood, one of the supporting actresses from the hit TV show The Hand Made Tale.
Atwood: The title of the show is the Handmaids Tale, and I was the author of the novel upon which the successful TV show was based, not a supporting actress in it.
Me: Please don’t interrupt.
Atwood: You have more important things to say, do you?
Me: Nuts! Now I’ve lost my place!
Atwood: Yes, of course you have. A straight, middle-aged white man with no discernible talents suddenly adrift in a changing world. One day you wake up to discover that you’re not one of the good guys at all, but are actually an enemy of the people, an enemy to all those you never heard, saw or even thought about in all the decades you stomped so blindly through this world. Now that the shell of your status has been cracked open to reveal your mediocrity and fear, it must be so very difficult for you! And how have you responded to this sea change, Michael, to being revealed so nakedly to all whom you ignored? With hostility and defensiveness, of course, with a desperate attempt to portray yourself as a victim rather than a victimizer. So yes, I can see how you might feel that you “lost your place.”
Me: I WAS PATROL OF THE WEEK IN GRADE SIX!! I WAS AT THE BARRICADES KEEPING THE WORLD SAFE FROM TYRANNY, GODDAMNIT!! NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!!
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