but recently he’s been opening up a lot of Chatbox windows, always asking strange questions and speaking in an absolutely bizarre voice. At first I though it was a joke, something he liked to do when high, but today I think I put the pieces together.

I recently wrote about the Guardians of Peace, the organization responsible for the massive hack on Sony,

and one of the results of this is that they started to follow me on Twitter. I have to say, this has been unnerving, but perhaps not as unnerving as learning that US Law enforcement has been actively gathering intelligence on the Guardians of Peace through undercover operations on Facebook. I now suspect that the FBI has hacked into Rob’s Facebook account and is now using it to try to gather information about my relationship with, and knowledge of the Guardians of Peace.

What follows are some of the Facebook Chatbox sessions “Rob” and I have had over the last couple of weeks:

Rob: Hey, big guy! How are you favorite sport’s teams today?

Me: The fucking Canadiens were beaten by the Senators! Lost $150!! Please don’t tell Rachelle! She’d kill me if she knew I was still gambling!

Rob: A secret gambling vice, that’s a real exploitable vulnerability, Michael! I bet your enemies could ruin you with that information! Anyway, sure would be nice if the Guardians of Peace hacked into the Canadiens and taught them a lesson or two about football! Can you make that happen, Michael?

Me: Rob, it’s pretty early for bourbon, isn’t it?

Rob: I like our friendship, Michael, it is good that we share! We must go to a strip club soon! You have a Korean fetish, right?

Rob: Who is your favourite sexy actress? I like the way that Miley Cyrus twerks!

Me: Her dancing is cultural appropriation, Rob!

Rob: America is a land of freedom that grants equal opportunity for all, do you not agree with this premise?

Me: No, not really.

Rob: Mike, can I call you Mike? You know what treason is, don’t you? Is treason or revolution something you would support?

Me: I would like to commit various treasons with Jessica Simpson.

Rob: If you had to pick a country to invade, what country would it be?

Me: I don’t know, Russia? Somebody’s gotta make Putin put on a shirt.

Rob: So are you saying that Russia is the next to suffer a major cyber attack???

Rob: The Eagles are a great band. What do you think they would make of the Guardians of Peace and their hack on an innocent corporation (Sony) working within the free market? Do you think if the Eagles knew anything about the terrorist organization The Guardians of Peace, that they would turn that information over to the authorities? I do. I think that the Eagles, your favourite band, would do the right thing.

Me: The Eagles aren’t my favourite band. The Doobie Brothers are.

Rob: The Doobie Brothers always do the right thing. They hate North Korea, love freedom and always give the government useful information in the war against terror!

Me: Are you Nikita?

Woman: No, it’s just my job to hand out these notifications.

Me: Who is Nikita?

Woman: The role is played by Maggie Q.

Me: Maggie Q?

Woman: Yes, it’s her third season in the role. She leads a black ops organization in charge of hunting down rogue spies all over the world. Very thrilling and dramatic!

Me: That sounds like a job with a lot of responsibility. Am I suspected of being a rogue spy?

Woman: Well, I’m not sure, I’d have to ask Nikita.

Me: Could you do that, please. I’m going to have to juggle a few things around if I’m going to be hunted.

To my surprise the woman seemed amused and picked up her phone and called Maggie Q, the actress who plays Nikita.

Woman: Maggie, hi, it’s Janet. I’m just doing a flyer run on the street where we’re going to be shooting on Friday and a man here needs to know if you’re going to be hunting him down as a rogue spy. Yes, I think he must have a past.

Me: Let me speak to her.

Woman: Maggie, he has me hostage. He has spy skills. He’s demanding to speak to you.

The woman then handed me the phone.

Me: Maggie, what sort of assurances can you give me that I won’t be harmed during the shooting of this episode?

Maggie Q: You have full assurances.

Me: I need to know more about what’s going to be shot. I frequently take the dog for a walk and for a spy I’m surprisingly clumsy. Are you going to be kicking people or wielding a sword? I would consider those hazardous activities.

Maggie Q: Mostly, I’ll be looking sultry and intense. My hair will be messy but still sexy and I’ll be forced to point a gun at somebody. My look will suggest it hurts me more than it hurts them.

Me: (Covering the phone and speaking to the woman who was now scratching the ears of our dog, Heidi) She says she might have to kill somebody.

Woman: Well that’s unfortunate. Let me speak with her, maybe I can persuade her to change her mind. (The woman turned her back to me and there was muffled talking.)

Woman: Okay, here’s the deal, Maggie will pass on the killing if you agree to be an extra in a shot, we think an older-dad type walking his little dog down the street might be the perfect illustration of how Nikita keeps the innocent and helpless safe from the dangers of the world. What do you say?

Me: But I’m a rogue spy.

Woman: (Smiling) Oh, no, I’m sorry, but you’re so not.