I don’t believe that this crime was committed by a hacker collective known as The Impact, as has been reported, because The Impact can be nothing other than the name of a (white) B-Boy dance troupe from back in the 80’s.

At any rate, I think that the bloody-minded terrorist group ISIS, who really knows how to tear at the fabric of Western society, was responsible. They want to expose our corrupt ways and force our children to watch us shriek at one another while washing dishes after dinner. But no, no, I am not going to let terror win. When our leaders called upon us to shop in order to fight terror, I shopped, and now, when it is clear that we must continue our adulterous ways in order to stave off terror, I will be adulterous. I am for the troops, and with that in mind, I have just joined Ashley Madison.

This is my profile page:

RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine

“Renaissance man”

Age: 36 (Leo)

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Height: 6’0″ (183cm)

Weight: 190 lbs (86kg) – Average/medium

Languages Spoken: English

My Limits are: Undecided

Status: Attached Male seeking Females

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)

Smoking Habits: Not specified

Tell me more about yourself:

I love puppies and animals in general, although I have never cheated on my wife by using them as sex slaves. By the way, raccoons are my favourite animal, and I am pretty sure they’re my spirit guides. Sometimes, I like to dress up as one for sex.

Besides that I do martial arts; extreme martial arts. And Parkour. I also play the drums, and it’s like I play the drums better than Satan, it’s like I’m having sex with those drums, it’s like a drumgasm! ( LOL!!) I’m also taking some college classes, one on zombies in popular media, because I love zombies and meeting young women who would normally be outside of my sphere. I work as an Uber driver (another great way to meet women and find out where they live) whenever my wife starts screaming at me about whether the forks are clean enough or some other bullshit.

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I am on a quest– not just for sex with a female partner who is not my wife, but for all things. I will do and try anything. Some people say that I am fearless, as fearless as an urban raccoon. Would somebody who isn’t fearless spend just over a week in the woods searching for Bigfoot? I don’t think so. A person with fear would cringe from that challenge, but not RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine! I went to the woods. Will you go to the woods with me?

What really turns me on:

Honesty would have to be number one, and a close second would be to see a Bigfoot man and a Bigfoot lady going at it.

What I am looking for:

I like chicks who dig passionate drummers, as well as submissive Goth types who are into role playing, but mostly I just like really hot babes. Here are some examples:

No Asians please.

I’m a pretty busy guy so I don’t have an awful lot of time for reading, but I tell you, I wish I did. I love that feeling when you’re reading a good book, like one by Stephen King, and you just can’t stop turning the pages! It’s like a friggin’ addiction or something and you just have to know who’s gonna be the next to get killed, you know? So exciting. Reading, it’s a real passion, if I had the time.

So on my bookcases you can see all sorts of stuff. This is a football. I got it a Bill’s game. It’s signed by Jim Kelly, the best goddamn passer of his era. I tell you, he wasn’t afraid of taking a hit in order to make the pass. Class act, Jim Kelly, class act.

Over here we have my bobble-head doll. I look a little slimmer in it than real life, I guess, ha-ha! And this is a Toronto Argonaut football helmet radio. Had it since I was a kid.

This is the Bible, written by God, obviously. I take a lot of inspiration from it. Means a lot to me. Really, really would have liked to have to sat down and had a pint or two with Jesus. He was a real man of the people. This one is Chicken Soup for the Soul. It’s also inspirational, like a bible for people that haven’t yet had their Jesus moment. This is a book  about the cars from the Fast and the Furious movies. It’s pretty cool. By the way, I just want to say that it was really sad that the guy from those movies died, but at least it was a warrior’s death, so respect to him and his family.

Let’s see, I got some more stuff over here: some fantasy football magazines, Infinite Jest—never got through it—a Florida travel guide and Beloved by Toni Morrison. I wept like a baby when I read that book. Loved the line about being “full of a baby’s venom.” I tell you, if I were the type to get a tattoo, that’s the tattoo I would get. Toni Morrison rocks. Moving on, I got a puck here signed by the Toronto Maple Leafs, and oh, this is the Velveteen Rabbit. I’ve had it since I was a kid, it’s about a doll you can’t kill.