We’re related, although the mechanics of this familial connection remain distant and unknown, and we only met once at a huge wedding about 15 years ago in Chicago. I thought we got along entirely brilliantly, but he proved reluctant to continue any sort of correspondence or relationship with me after the fact, growing more and more biting and bitter–as many aging actors who have never won an Oscar do– as the years passed and my career took off while he played the voice of Garfield in some movies.
At any rate, as some sort of promotion associated with the Toronto International Film Festival, Friday was declared Bill Murray Day and I was asked by a local publication if I would use my “special access” to the faded star to secure an interview. This is the result:
Dear Bill:
It’s your cousin Michael here, the funny Murray. Remember me? I was the one wearing the bowtie at the wedding in Chicago in 1998. I requested I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith at the party and because you were a really big ham and sang it to the wedding couple in that cheesy-we’ve-all-seen-it-a-million-times-way, it became “their song” and everybody thought you were a hero.
Nice one, Bill. Anyway, it didn’t end well for that couple. Botched murder-suicide. Not that you’d care.
I have some questions that a newspaper wants me to ask you, okay?
Here they are:
1. What was it that attracted you to the role of Garfield? Was it because you were horny for Jennifer Love Hewitt? She’s less than half your age, you know.
2. What do you think of the massive nude celebrity leak? Was it a good thing for democracy?
3. Why wouldn’t you ever enter any of my fantasy baseball leagues?
4. Are you sick of making movies with Wes Anderson yet because an awful lot of people are sick of seeing you in movies by Wes Anderson?
5. Do you know any of the details regarding Traci Murray’s alien abduction back in 1987? She didn’t have any tattoos before, but three after—very puzzling. It is a great family mystery and you should perhaps consider making a movie based on it once you’re finished with the Garfield trilogy.
6. You’re a big golf fan. Would you say that’s your greatest embarrassment? If not, please explain.
7. Are you “above” correspondence? My mother always said that your side of the Murray family always thought they were “special.”
8. Did you know that I won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
9. Have you won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
10. You made some pretty controversial remarks about Jewish people back at the wedding, would you care to take this time to elaborate upon them?
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My cat Frito would love it here!
My cat Frito would like to take it from here, Simpson!
Somebody here isn’t eating a balanced diet and if they’re not careful they’re going to get the gout!
I wouldn’t be so pleased with myself if I were you, one day you’ll get yours, and let me tell you, it won’t be nice!
Old Macdonald’s drinking caught up with him and he died two years ago. He had cirrhosis of the liver and then was taken by pneumonia. Just too weak to fight.
You, you’re just another good-time Charlie, you’re not getting the eggs for free from me, buzz-off!
]]>These are some of the emails of encouragement that I sent–via his 2nd cousin– to Andy over the years:
Andy:
Hey, superstar! It’s your cool cousin Michael Murray, here! Remember me? We met about 20 years ago and I took you on your first Crop Circle hunt.
It was pretty awesome. We got kind of lost, though, and your father had to come and get us in his jeep. Boy, he really has the Murray temper, eh? Anyway, it was too bad about your parents splitting up when you were at such a vulnerable age, but I have to say, we all saw it coming.
By the way, I’m really good at tennis, too. It must run in the family! LOL!! 
Michael Murray
Andy:
I really think that if you want to get better at tennis you’re going to have to improve your first serve percentage.
Michael Murray
PS: I am sure you are very busy so I understand why you haven’t responded. I just want you to know that I’m not at all mad. I don’t have the Murray temper.
PPS: I can think of at least six tennis players who are better than you. You look like a gangly, diminished version of Colin Firth, so you’d really better up your game.
Andy:
Jesus!
I just saw a picture of your girlfriend and I have to say, she is crazy hot! You are really punching above your weight! I mean, shit!
By the way, you should write back. You’re not the king of the world, nor are you better than me just because you’re really rich, good at tennis (try playing me in Scrabble) and have a hot girlfriend.
Michael Murray
PS: I beat Friends star Matthew Perry in tennis. Have you?
Andy:
Wow.
Just wow.
I can’t believe you won Wimbledon. I guess Djokovic was really tired after his semi-final match, because normally he’d beat you pretty easily. By the way, when you “limped” into the crowd after you didn’t lose the championship and started hugging all of your handlers and yes-men, I noticed you avoided your mother. (She really does look like an aging Glenn Close) Was that intentional? Are you still stinging from the divorce?
Remember, it was me who told you that you needed to increase your first serve percentage. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget whose shoulders you’re sitting on as you receive all your glory.
Michael Murray
PS: I always return correspondence, especially if received from my family. We, the Murray’s, are very disappointed in you.
