Your Highness:
You ever have one of those days?
I was very nervous about meeting you, because I’ve never met anybody who was a direct descendent of God. That must be so cool. I come from a long line of sheep thieves who have always fled debt, not Gods. At any rate, I really wanted you (A GOD!!!) to like me, and in spite of taking an Ativan and drinking two glasses of wine before going to bed, I had trouble sleeping. When this happens I often listen to a calming CD of rainstorms, 
which is what I did, and to make a long story short I ended up sleeping through my alarm and missing my opportunity to meet you. I had my blue suit laid-out on my bed and everything.
I had studied you in a completely non-invasive and totally not creepy way, and was going to make some pretty dazzling conversation, I think. I honestly do believe that we would have become best friends, likely participating in the same fantasy sport’s pools, attending Illuminati meetings together, texting one another about Game of Thrones and partying on boats with supermodels.
The One percent rules!
Do people make a lot of Hamlet jokes to you?
I bet that they do.
People are stupid.
Ninety-nine percent of people, in fact.
The rich are not stupid–especially not the rich who are descended from Gods.
I see from Wikipedia that you married a commoner, run marathons, are an expert sailor, have been on expeditions to Mongolia and Greenland, have extensive military training and care about the environment. It’s pretty amazing how much we have in common, as I also care about the environment. I really can’t stand that every summer is getting more and more humid, and I have to say, if it weren’t for my AC, well, it would be pretty tough slogging.
Look, Your Highness, I really hope you can find it in your gracious heart to forgive me for sleeping in this morning and that we can still become the friends that God wants us to become. By means of apology, I would like to invite you and your commoner wife over for Game’s Night on Thursday. We play a Star Trek version of the Settler’s of Catan and it’s an awful lot of fun– some people even dress in character for it!
Looking forward to seeing you soon,
Michael Murray
]]>We’re related, although the mechanics of this familial connection remain distant and unknown, and we only met once at a huge wedding about 15 years ago in Chicago. I thought we got along entirely brilliantly, but he proved reluctant to continue any sort of correspondence or relationship with me after the fact, growing more and more biting and bitter–as many aging actors who have never won an Oscar do– as the years passed and my career took off while he played the voice of Garfield in some movies.
At any rate, as some sort of promotion associated with the Toronto International Film Festival, Friday was declared Bill Murray Day and I was asked by a local publication if I would use my “special access” to the faded star to secure an interview. This is the result:
Dear Bill:
It’s your cousin Michael here, the funny Murray. Remember me? I was the one wearing the bowtie at the wedding in Chicago in 1998. I requested I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith at the party and because you were a really big ham and sang it to the wedding couple in that cheesy-we’ve-all-seen-it-a-million-times-way, it became “their song” and everybody thought you were a hero.
Nice one, Bill. Anyway, it didn’t end well for that couple. Botched murder-suicide. Not that you’d care.
I have some questions that a newspaper wants me to ask you, okay?
Here they are:
1. What was it that attracted you to the role of Garfield? Was it because you were horny for Jennifer Love Hewitt? She’s less than half your age, you know.
2. What do you think of the massive nude celebrity leak? Was it a good thing for democracy?
3. Why wouldn’t you ever enter any of my fantasy baseball leagues?
4. Are you sick of making movies with Wes Anderson yet because an awful lot of people are sick of seeing you in movies by Wes Anderson?
5. Do you know any of the details regarding Traci Murray’s alien abduction back in 1987? She didn’t have any tattoos before, but three after—very puzzling. It is a great family mystery and you should perhaps consider making a movie based on it once you’re finished with the Garfield trilogy.
6. You’re a big golf fan. Would you say that’s your greatest embarrassment? If not, please explain.
7. Are you “above” correspondence? My mother always said that your side of the Murray family always thought they were “special.”
8. Did you know that I won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
9. Have you won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
10. You made some pretty controversial remarks about Jewish people back at the wedding, would you care to take this time to elaborate upon them?
]]>These are the text messages I sent to my wife Rachelle:
Me: Just stopped in at One for a drink, should be home by 6.
Me: Yes.
Me: I do think we’re made of money.
Me: Look, my fantasy sports teams have been doing very well the last couple of years.
Me: And I won a Deal Or No Deal scratch n’ win ticket the other day.
Me: I’m fucking rolling in cash.
Me: Paying off the car doesn’t make you a saint, you know.
Me: Right. Just the person who does all the heavy financial lifting.
Me: The hostess sat me very far away from the site lines.
Me: You’d need a shovel to find me.
Me: Yes.
Me: I am wearing my bike helmet.
Me: I don’t know if she thinks I’m an elderly bike courier.
Me: She probably just thinks I prefer solitude.
Me: I look pretty intellectual.
Me: Thoughtful, soulful.
Me: A man who looks like Roger Sterling just refused to sit in my section.
Me: “No, no, no, honey, no way I’m sitting there,” he said to the hostess.
Me: His hand around her waist.
Me: He’s now sitting in the rich men with big cigars section.
Me: Yes, I guess it’s like I’m sitting in the scratch n’ win section.
Me: It’s like instead of arriving via a fuck-me-I’m-rich car, I showed up on a mobility scooter.
Me: One with a little dog in the basket and a Hamilton Tiger Cats flag at the back.
Me: The waitress serving me is kind of chunky, too.
Me: Probably why she’s working this section.
Me: I bet she got the job because she sleeps with the mayor or something.
Me: Look, I have too had a job.
Me: Well, things are tough in the media right now, you know that.
Me: I guess I could be something other than a writer.
Me: No.
Me: No.
Me: I don’t want to work in the box factory that Allan manages.
Me: Because.
Me: I have lots of potential.
Me: You can still have potential in your 40s.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I just got distracted by a woman with long, superstar hair.
Me: It was like a flash of light when she tossed it and everything smelled like the beach!
Me: She looks a bit like Jennifer Lawrence.
Me: By the way, what shampoo do you use?
Me: Oh.
Me: Shopper’s, eh?
Me: Yeah, it’s good to get the Optimum points, I guess.
Me: If you don’t care what your hair looks like.
Me: Wow!
Me: Group of men who look like pro athletes and their supermodel girlfriends just asked me if I’d like to have a drink with them!
Me: People really are just drawn to me.
Me: Love you, probably be back late! xo
Me: Don’t forget to take the dog for a walk!!
]]>Ondrej Pavlec
Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets
Ondrej:
Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!
Or at least wait until the off-season.
Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?
And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Adam Henrique
Center, New Jersey Devils
Adam:
It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Zack Kassian
Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks
Zack:
You are such a douche.
You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Ilya Kovalchuk
Left wing, New Jersey Devils
Ilya:
That was the worst season of your career.
Thanks a lot.
I hate you.
You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.
Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Eric Cole
Left wing, Dallas Stars
Eric:
Why didn’t you retire?
Your performance was worse than useless all season long.
You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
]]>
Shortly after this stunner was completed, the Jays signed Melky Cabrera, thus transforming their team into serious contenders to win the American League East.
Canadian sports teams have long had a hard time persuading foreign-born players to sign contracts here, as many players know very little about Canada, fear the taxes and imagine that they can make greater endorsement money in the United States. As such, the Toronto Blue Jays send a letter to all new players in an effort to familiarize them with their new environment, hoping to ease the transition and help teach them everything that they might need to know in order to prosper in Canada and more specifically, Toronto. This is the letter that the Blue Jays sent out to their most recent acquisitions:
Welcome new Blue Jays!
Let us first say that we’re absolutely thrilled to have you as part of our organization and are looking forward to a great year that will hopefully see us all working together to win the World Series!
All trades are disorienting experiences, especially when they involve moving to a new country and so we want to tell you a little bit about your new home to make your life as a Toronto Blue Jay as easy and fun as possible!
Canada is a geographically large country with over 30 million inhabitants and 3 million lakes. That’s one lake for every 10 people in the nation! You might think that Canadians would be expert swimmers or subsist on a strictly fish diet, but this is not true at all. Canadians have a diet very similar to Americans and are good at hockey, a sport that involves skating on frozen water. However, baseball is very popular here, too, and as young, rich professional athletes you will enjoy every opportunity you might expect.
There is Internet in Canada and you will find plenty of sexual opportunity here. Rape and sexual assault are considered serious crimes, and although we will have teams of lawyers helping you out, you are not allowed to grope or have sex based on a vibe. You need consent, but rest assured almost all women will willingly want to have sex with you, so this shouldn’t be a problem at all.
This brings us to another point. Many men will also want to have sex with you. Toronto is a very large (5 million people) city with a lot of cultural and ethnic diversity, and some of this diversity includes gay people. Gay people like to have sex with members of their own gender. But remember, what is true for a woman is also true for a man, (Canada is a land of equality!) so a gay man cannot rape or molest you unless they have your explicit permission to do so. As repulsive as this may be to you, it is important that you do not go out of your way to insult the gay community in Toronto, so beating them up or making slanderous comments comparing opponents to fags is strongly discouraged.
Unfortunately Pit Bulls are banned and you will not be able to bring any of your warrior-pets into the country. In general, dog fighting is frowned upon in Canada and people treat dogs almost as if they were small children instead of extensions of an individual’s masculinity. You are welcome to bring in other, deadly breeds, though, just not the Pit Bull.
Many Americans consider Medicare to be an attack on their civil liberties. Canada does have a free health care system for all of its citizens, but you are under no obligation to use it. Buffalo is very close to Canada, and you are welcome to go there and pay for all of your medical needs and abortions.
Real Estate is expensive in Toronto, but as you are wealthy this should not pose a significant problem. Many players like to simply rent a luxury suite at the Rogers Centre where we play baseball, and keep a home with their wife and children in another country. This is an excellent strategy for maintaining strict separation between mistresses and families. Veterans on your team will guide you on this matter.
List of Toronto Strip Clubs:
The Brass Rail
701 Yonge Street.
This is a very well known strip club and although you can expect special service, you will very likely be recognized.
The Landing Strip
191 Carlingview Drive
Out near the airport, this one has a little bit of edge. The women are generally less attractive but they are inexpensive.
Club Paradise
1313 Bloor W.
Very popular with people of colour.
The Lounge
1820 Dundas Street East
This features male and shemale strippers. Do not make a rookie mistake!
Contrary to popular mythology, Bigfoot sightings are still very rare in Canada.
Welcome to the Blue Jay family!
He was just thinking of the kids.
At any rate, as many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.
Around 2:30 Monday morning, I got this message from Rob:
Rob: Hey fag!
Me: Slobber!
Rob: Just. Fucking. Love. Sunday.
Me: It’s a holy day.
Rob: This grizzly worships at the church of FOOTBALL!!! PARTYYYY!!!
Me: What’s your fav football movie? I think I like Against All Odds–Rachel Ward was hot!
Rob: She woulda made an awesome stripper. But I think it’s All The Right Moves that does it for me. Cruise has always been my man, and you get to see the mother from Back to the Future naked. Boner city!! Movie hit me right where it counts.
Me: Your bio should be called Rob Ford: All The Right Moves. And you should be in football gear on the cover with a couple of cheerleaders flanking you!
Rob: I should fucken’ hire you, Murray.
Me: Wanna do a shot?
Rob: Just did one!
Me: Me too!
Rob: High-five!!
Me: You following the US election?
Rob: I live in Romney City, little buddy, Romney City.
Me: You like the small government, eh?
Rob: Yeah, it’s not that I’m a racist. Blacks are fucking awesome at football and lots of the chicks are super hot, like that chick in Sin City, Roxanna Dawson. I would vote for her ass in a second!!!!!
Me: You’ve always had a soft spot for the ladies.
Rob: You mean hard spot! 
LOLOLOLLOO!!
Rob: You remember that waitress with the Montreal Canadiens tattoo on her neck?
Me: You mean stripper.
Rob: Yeah, she was black. I used to tip her real good.
Me: You’ve always been a class act slobber, just like you were with that football team you coach.
Rob: Couldn’t let ‘em wait after the game they put in, wouldn’t been right. The Mayor’s office gotta mean something, right?
Me: Yeah, you know, my wife wishes there were more chipmunks in Toronto, can you do anything about that?
Rob: Talk to a few people. Maybe deport some raccoons, bring in chipmunks. Make a chipmunk theme park, attract tourists– maybe make some chipmunk snack. Good idea, fagman, gonna get some people on it! Gonna grab another brew, c u soon!
The most recent assault on Toronto’s foremost public servant comes from the Toronto Transit Commission. The other day a streetcar driver accosted Mayor Ford, accusing him of driving his Minivan (identified by the license plate “ROBFORD”) past the open front doors of the city vehicle.
This is a short, one-act play called Third And Long, (commission by Ford supporters) based on recent events.
THIRD AND LONG
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: (Rushing out of streetcar to accost Rob Ford as he sits in his car listening to motivational tapes while waiting for the light to change.) “Hey piggy Mayor, your mama so fat when she gets a cut she bleed milkshakes, she so fat she sells shade in the summer. You a fat motherfucka! “
Mayor Ford: “Pardon me, sir?”
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: “ Your politics suck ma dick, and I say you drove past my open doors! You front page, fattie!”
Mayor Ford: “I have to disagree with you, but if you like we can proceed through the proper channels to have this matter resolved.”
Lesbian on streetcar with social disease and unpleasant tattoos: (Leaning through the window and shaking her fist)“ I sawz him! He was speeding like he done something wrong! Maybe he kilt somebody!”
Mayor Ford: “ I’m just here to serve the people in the best way that I can, and if any of you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.”
(At this point Mayor Ford parks his vehicle, pays the meter and gets on the streetcar, paying his three dollars.)
Mayor Ford: “Toronto has the best public transit in the entire world! I’m probably much better taking it than driving and it’s also nice to get to chat with my fellow Torontonians! How are you Miss?!”
Indian woman in Muslim costume with baby who is different colour than she is: “I come from other country! Where my money! You supposed to feed my baby I make from crazy drug sex!”
Mayor Ford: (Smiling) “You have a lovely child there, she could grow up to be Mayor, you know.”
Person in wheelchair taking up way too much room: “ My disability isn’t enough! Give me more!!”
Mayor Ford: (Taking a knee to get closer to the person) “I feel your pain and will personally look into your case to see if I might improve matters!
NDP Party member and supporter of Occupy Wall Street who is playing bongos in back of the streetcar: “ Your family is ugly!”
Mayor Ford: (laughing in a good-natured manner) “Oh, we’re just big-boned!”
Faggy drug addict with a nose bleed: “ You’ve been running this city as if it was a suburban country club, ignoring the needs of those with the greatest need, why won’t you help us?”
Mayor Ford: “ Your words are daggers into my heart. You are all my children, (opening his arms expansively) my constituents, and I want nothing more than to help you by teaching you to help yourselves!”
And then Mayor Ford hands out Scratch And Win lotto tickets to all the passengers on the streetcar, the people, HIS people, now applauding and cheering as he drives away in his Minivan to visit with wounded troops.
Dustin Brown:
I don’t really have, uh, words to explain how I’m feeling right now. Again, uh, you know, to be the first King to touch that cup is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”
Anze Kopitar:
It feels great to bring 20, 000 people to their feet just by lifting a silver jug over your head. It’s a very humbling feeling and pretty exciting, like getting drunk with your father for the first time. Good, dizzy feeling!
Jonathan Quick:
Unbelievable. I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. It’s just awesome. I don’t even think I can tell you in words. I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get when you’re running away from the cops, you know, and at a certain point, after you’re really exhausted and you think you’re done and headed to jail, you realize you’ve lost ‘em and you’re free. Yeah, that’s it.
Drew Doughty:
It’s so weird, man, but it feels completely like being high. Oh man, like, I probably shouldn’t have said that but I’m from the west coast. Represent! But all these people screaming, it’s just a trip, a crazy, perfect trip!
Slava Voynov:
I remember as a young boy I was dared by some older boys to shoplift something from the corner store. I was very scared to do so, but I was also very scared to not do so, and so I knotted myself into courage and took some gum and slipped it in my pocket and walked out of the store. It was incredible feeling, like breaking pane of glass with rock! All the other boys now looked at me with respect and I felt like I had become a man, an Alpha, and that is what it feels like to win the cup! (And then he roared.)
Willie Mitchell:
How does it feel? It feels like being a king, like signing my first multi-year contract!!!
Rob Scuderi:
I don’t know what to say, I just feel so bad for the Devils, because I know that they really, really tried hard. I just don’t feel much like celebrating. They must all feel so lonely, so lost…I’m sorry– I’m just feeling a little emotional right now.
Mike Richards:
This is incredible. You dream about it a million times, but then for it to finally happen, I mean, wow, just fucking wow.
Jarret Stoll:
It’s awesome, just awesome, like when the Vicodin sets in, you know?
Andrei Loktionov:
It’s like crazy Russian sex with tennis star. Like that one time, when we used the animal masks, before she got famous.
