Falling every November, 19^th, this  day gives me an opportunity to celebrate my masculinity, honour the patriarchy and let my robust heterosexuality roar. It’s a day that I mindfully live to it’s full, manly potential.

This is the journal of my celebration:

November, 19, 2015

6:20 am

Fed the baby and told him stories of manliness.

9:00 am

Had healthy breakfast of granola and a smoothie, as I have a variety of health issues. Told a story about eating bacon to my wife Rachelle while she and the baby played with a “found” rattle (childproof pill container of my anti-anxiety medication) on the yoga matt.

9:30 am

Began to think of myself as somebody named John Steele instead of Michael Murray.

9:45 am

Took Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, for a walk around the block. Felt good to be out in nature, hunting with my animal. Met two other Miniature Dachshunds, both wearing argyle sweaters. Their owner told me their names were Simon and Garfunkle and to watch out for Garfunkle as he was “crabby.”

10:00 am

Played online poker under the name of John Steele and watched a variety of hockey fights and leaked celebrity sex tapes.

11:30 am

Read “The Littlest Acorn of them All” to my son and then put him down for a nap.

11:45 am

Made my wife a smoothie as she was headed out to a series of womanly afternoon appointments.

12:00 pm

Sampugita, our friend’s nanny, came over to look after the baby. I asked her many questions about her personal life and what dating was like for a young woman in a foreign country. Told her about a few of the sports I used to play. Tennis, in particular.

12:30 pm

Told Sampugita to make me lunch.

12:45 pm

Got text from my wife Rachelle, telling me that making lunch for me was not one of Sampugita’s responsibilities, and that there was left-over quinoa in the fridge.

I AM SURROUNDED BY FEMINAZIS!!!

1:00 pm

Went outside and threw rocks at the stop signs. A few of the kids from the Frat House down the street joined in and for a brief, shining moment, we were a beautiful Northern European tribal pack fighting the enemy. Hail Odin!

1:15 pm

Went home and played with my electric train set while listening to Gordon Lightfoot and slow drinking Jack and Coke.

3:30 pm

Posted my feelings, under the name of John Steele, on a men’s group message board.

4:30 pm

Watched Mike Tyson knock-out videos from the 1980’s, noticing that the boxers all had perfect, gleaming bodies, sweat-slick, they were tangles of beautiful male ferocity under the hot lights.

5:00 pm

Stumbled upon a video called “Johnny Rapid Goes Bareback.” Watched it while finishing my bottle of Jack. More posting on men’s message board under the name of John Steele. And then a little more.

6:00 pm

John Steele then went for a very long, confusing walk alone.

@michaelmurrayca I’m 20 rows from the front, dead centre. Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the storm.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah just took stage to sound of delirious fans. Tried to give her my manuscript but failed. Awkward moment.

@michaelmurrayca No, not failed. Just given another opportunity to build my life.

@michaelmurrayca “You honour me by being here,” Oprah says, “Real question is why are you here?”

@michaelmurrayca  “Love tittie shows!” I yell. Unsophisticated crowd doesn’t appreciate joke.

@michaelmurrayca Feminazis everywhere. VERY sour looks.

@michaelmurrayca “As small girl, grandma said I had to learn to hang clothes for the life I would have. Inside voice said no.”

@michaelmurrayca Blahblahblahblahblah #Oprahmanuscripthater

@michaelmurrayca There are like 8 Asian people in the crowd.

@michaelmurrayca Wonder what’s up with that.

@michaelmurrayca Could it be that the Asians hate Oprah????

@michaelmurrayca Oprah says she was Miss Fire Prevention at 16. “I could out talk those Southern girls.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah thinks she’s better than Southern girls. #Dixiechickswillwritesongaboutthis

@michaelmurrayca “Nothing is happening willy-nilly to you. You’re creating your own life.”

@michaelmurrayca Three women behind me just started to cry.

@michaelmurrayca One of them is really letting it go. Worried she might lose control of her bladder.

@michaelmurrayca Just looked behind me, major sobber has Oprah tattoo on her calf.

@michaelmurrayca O is part comedian, part actor, part preacher, part big sister and all woman!!

@michaelmurrayca Funny, self-deprecating and riveting. Crowd is completely enthralled.

@michaelmurrayca Best. Storyteller. On. Planet.

@michaelmurrayca Important to note Oprah has great hair today, cascading curls. Also, purple sparkly dress with contrasting purple shrug.

@michaelmurrayca I would fucking follow that woman into war.

@michaelmurrayca Would fight in mud.

@michaelmurrayca Oprah is like a black Dolly Parton.

@michaelmurrayca Would fight like hell for Dolly Parton, too.

@michaelmurrayca Swear to God they just did something to make place smell like pumpkins and vanilla.

@michaelmurrayca Going to note that in my gratitude journal. Grateful for pumpkin/vanilla scent.

@michaelmurrayca “My dream is to be able use my life to touch yours. To live on the edge of glory and sit with you.”

@michaelmurrayca People are going crazy, like she took her top off or something.

@michaelmurrayca If she wanted to touch my life, why not take manuscript???? #Oprahcaughtinlie

@michaelmurrayca “Sit. Feast on your life.” Fade to black and Oprah shouts “Ottawaaaaa” as pulsing beat starts and standing ovation.

@michaelmurrayca Then she gives away her Manolo Blahniks. Just took em off and put gold and diamond slippers on. Asked who in audience is size 10.5 and voila!

@michaelmurrayca Pretty sure Oprah feet must smell like pumpkin and vanilla.

* I must note that Ottawa Citizen megastar Louisa Taylor @louisataylorCIT was also live Tweeting the Oprah event and that as it turns out, I Tweeted maybe some of the exact same thing that she did, almost as if I wasn’t there at all. But no worries, our legal system will sort it all out!