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Short track speed skating is easily the greatest of all the sports the winter Olympics have to offer.
However, the first thing that we have to address are the catsuits worn by the athletes. It’s the elephant in the room, the resonant fact that simply cannot be ignored. Whenever we’re talking about speed skating—the strategy, the danger, the speed, the sheer ridiculousness of it– we’re also talking about how goddamn sexy the competitors are in those outfits. And yes, it is true, I’m not at all against sexually objectifying beautiful athletes I’ll never encounter. In fact, it’s pretty much the main reason I watch the Olympics these days. The human form– full of potential and ambition– performing stunning feats in it’s most perfect earthly manifestation? Yes, I’ll take two helpings please!
Make no mistake, this is the subtext to every speed skating viewing experience you have.
Beyond that there is the fact that the speed skaters, with their helmets and visors, armed with a razor sharp foot knife that’s about as long as a forearm, look like superheroes come to skate for truth and justice.
These people are weaponized, and the fact that it’s short track speed skating ( to say nothing of the positively insane short track speed skating relay) means that they’re CONSTANTLY wiping out.
It’s so unpredictable that luck is almost as important as skill. It’s a last-person-standing kind of sport, one that’s so cruelly constructed you’d think it was invented by a sadistic gym teacher.
No matter, the fact that a wipeout is almost a certainty, and that a wipeout is usually a tangle of kicking razor blades, a crash could have very dire consequence. And so when you see one of the athletes cross the finish line, know that they have just skated through death, and when they take off their helmet and throw back their head, elated and forever, know, too, that they are one of us, and that for a moment at least, we are all beautiful and immortal.
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Well Michael Murray you may enjoy watching sexy athletes court death (because?!) but give me a performance I can watch later via Robyn Doolittle’s tweeted emojis any day.
Or night.
Because we don’t have cable and I don’t want to watch sexy athletes court death, but I don’t want to watch English villagers disappearing one by one on TVO either.
We get it, TVO. English villages are full of old people and old people are murderers so do not move to an English village unless you’re old and want to murder people. The end.
But speed skating? Seriously? Speed skating?? What’s that – one emoji? Done. Well I’m sorry, Michael Murray, but that’s not a story. So not sorry. Figure skating, though, figure skating is a sportstory (yes, that is so a word!) that a reporter can emoji (yes, that’s a verb – I emoji therefore I amji) for people who can’t watch the Olympics BECAUSE OF THE COURTING DEATH THING, MICHAEL MURRAY!
And it’s just like being there on your couch watching Patrick Chan do his short or long or whatever – but faster. My emotions totally ran the gamut, but like in one second.
Don’t believe me? Here it is.
Ms. Doolittle called it, “Watching Patrick Chan: An Emoji Journey” – so right away a heads up that it might be a bumpy ride. Fortunately, I had a cup of mint tea right here beside my computer, just like I do now. Then there was a Canadian flag, which, you know, I’m actually a down-with-borders type but okay. Then a pair of ice skates (well duh, Robyn). But then, oh my Gord – a laughing emoji! Yay! Wait… what? A grimacing emoji!? Nooooooo! Not again! Too soon! Too soon! Oh sweet Jes – a crying emoji? Already? What the – SWEATING?! Oh now come the eff on – screaming? Really? We’re screaming now? In agony? Or maybe… Ah, never mind. Looks like we’re weeping buckets.
Okay. Well. Glad that’s over. <schhhlurp> Ah, mint tea. So refreshing. And just one more week…
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In short, the letter to the women celebrated the hard work and dedication it takes to change diapers and think about dinner, while the letter to the men was about shaping the minds of the next generation of leaders.
Although these letters are getting a lot of publicity, MacKay has done this sort of thing before. In 2014, when both the men’s and women’s National ice hockey teams won gold medals at the Sochi Olympics, MacKay wrote them these letters of congratulations:
Letter to the Women’s Team:
It used to be that from a very young age, Canadian girls were taught how to figure skate while the boys learned how to play hockey, the national sport. Well, times have changed, and thanks to equal rights, girls can now play ice hockey just like their big brothers and fathers. Of course, figure skating is very beautiful and artistic, and we still want our cute, young Canadian women to excel in this alluring spectacle, but now we are showing the world that there’s some grit inside that glamour, too!
Regardless of whether they were French or English, Native or Pole, heterosexual or homosexual, the Canadian Women’s ice hockey team came together as one and brought glory to our nation, just as our men have done so many times before them! Ladies, we are proud of you! Even if your game is a maybe a little slower and less interesting to watch than the rugged men’s game, you’ve shown us that not only can you get the job done as nurses, teachers and pet store employees, but you can also get the job done on the ice! You are great hockey players and all of Canada honours you for bringing home the gold!
Keep following your crazy dreams!
Best wishes,
The Hon. Peter MacKay
Minister of Justice
Letter to the Men’s Team:
Gentleman, for the next week I ask you to consider yourselves exempt from all of Canada’s laws! (LOL)
You guys, as always, were completely awesome. You are the best part of being Canadian. You represent our rugged, frontier spirit, our keen intelligence, never-say-die work ethic and our unparalleled talent, talent that stretches up taller than the CN tower! True Canadian warriors, you’re our “Alpha Team,” and you won’t back down from anything, willing to stare all men and countries straight in the eyes and saying, “Is that all you got?”
Words can’t describe how proud we are of you, and how honoured we are to have you as role models! It’s when they put the gold medals around your necks and O, Canada plays, that I feel most Canadian, most like a man, and I want to thank you, as does an entire grateful nation, for that. So boys, have a cold one, or two (wink), you deserve it!
To the victors go the spoils!
Best wishes,
The Hon. Peter MacKay
Minister of Justice
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