I was flying
but could not control
where I was going.
Illustrations by Rachelle Maynard.
]]>Me: You coming to Barbados for the big surf competition, Soup Bowl?
Man who looked like Chomsky: What?
Me: Barbados. The surf competition. It’s like their version of the Super Bowl, only in water.
Man who looked like Chomsky: No, I have other business, although I do like the beach.
Me: I’d like to surf but I’m scared. I used to be scared of sharks when I was a boy but now I’m scared of jellyfish. They’re taking over the oceans.
Man who looked like Chomsky: (Said nothing)
Me: Are you Noam Chomsky?
Man who looked like Chomsky: Yes.
Me: WOW!! I thought so!
Chomsky: (Nods)
Me: So, what’s up with Occupy Wall Street?
Rachelle: (In a whisper-hiss) Pickle, be quiet, for the love of God!
Chomsky: I don’t know what you mean.
Me: I hear they’re buying up debt from collection agencies and then forgiving it. I would LOVE it if they bought some of my debt. Do you have any sway in that?
Chomsky: No, I don’t.
Me: You know, you’ve really shaped a lot of minds over the decades. I bet a lot of college kids name their pets after you. Thousands of dogs and cats named Chomsky.
Rachelle: I’m sorry, my husband is dehydrated and only slept for an hour last night. Please forgive us.
Chomsky: I see.
Me: If I was an anarchist like you I wouldn’t wait in line. I’d just charge right through, upset the system and start a revolution by hitting the beach!
Chomsky: You do like the sound of your own voice, don’t you?
Me: I’m just social and maybe a little nervous meeting you, I guess.
Chomsky: I’m sorry, I just need to be alone with my thoughts, okay?
(Several minutes pass)
Me: You’re going to be really hot wearing that corduroy jacket on the island, you know.
Chomksy: (Ignores me)
Me: (Whispering to Rachelle) I can’t believe he has a corporate logo on his laptop bag. Adidas? Really? They must have paid for his trip.
Rachelle: (Whisper-hiss) Just find your passport and shut-up, okay?
(Awkward silence for the rest of our wait to customs)
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Heidi always have vivid dreams.
Last night Heidi fly. Heidi so fast through air, like bullet through clouds, dogrocket explode into flock of seagulls!
Seagulls try to escape but can’t, Heidi gobble them like she Ms. Pacman, and then Heidi start to feel all heavy and full, get sleepy and start to fall to earth then wake up! What dream mean?!
Heidi have her own TV show. Variety type.
Heidi on greenwet grass, mud and moon. Moving fast and low, all sense on high alert. Heidi at top of her game, can smell mouse fear two miles away! Tail wag, tail wag! And then Heidi begin to dig hole, digdigdig! Not know why, just dig, something to find, Heidi just know it, and then Heidi dig into open, perfect den and there Heidi see father dog licking teeth of another male dog! Heidi no know what to do, so Heidi bark, wake up barking! Awful, just awful dream! Bad dream, bad!!
Heidi standing on back legs for treat. Heidi hate this. Like circus monkey. Like slave circus monkey! Very humiliating. Four-eyed, two-legged treat giver lean in to give Heidi monkey treat and then Heidi lunge and bite face off!!
Heidi making mince meat out of fetch. Every ball that thrown, Heidi snatch in mouth just like that! Heidi in zone! Like ball moving in slo-motion. Then Heidi have to lick herself! Can’t stop licking! Ball keeps getting thrown and bouncing by Heidi, but she can no longer get it because she always licking. Other dogs come, but not nice dogs. Evil dogs with fire eyes and breath like chicory. They just circle Heidi and watch, watch Heidi with fire eyes and Heidi can do nothing but lick.
In dream Heidi living in den with cats. Heidi speak perfect Cat, understand everything. Heidi have good time and dance with cats.
Everything great and then we start to talk about politics and cats very arrogant in view, don’t believe in government! Don’t understand concept of pack sharing. Cats won’t listen to Heidi, who making good points, just say animals like Heidi just need to work harder. This infuriate Heidi! Heidi rip heads off cats!! Blood everywhere!
Heidi invent new type of heating pad that becomes meat after you warm. Get warm and then eat meat! Heidi become very famous dog and have many lovers. Very sexy good dream.
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