What follows are the text messages that I sent to Rachelle.
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Me: Is Angus still gaying it up in there?
Me: Can’t believe he was married.
Me: Really, who did he think he was fooling?
Me: I could tell from the first time we went bowling that he was gay. Way too much follow through.
Me: Rachelle?
Me: Rachelle?
Me: Remember what our therapist said about you ignoring me?
Me: I feel invalidated.
Me: That’s why I drink so much. You invalidate me.
Me: Rachelle?
Me: Door to outhouse seems to be locked.
Me: Door is locked.
Me: I AM TRAPPED IN THE OUTHOUSE!!!
Me: HELP!!
Me: I THINK THERE IS AN EVIL GHOST ON THE ISLAND!!
Me: IT LOCKS PEOPLE IN OUTHOUSES AND WATCHES AS THEY GO INSANE AND DIE OF HEART ATTACKS!!
ME: IT’S PROBABY AN INDIAN GHOST MAD ABOUT US STEALING LAND!!
Me: I HATE EVIL GHOSTS!!!
Me: Must calm down and breathe deeply.
Me: Sweet Jesus!
Me: Breathing deeply was a very bad idea.
Me: Now very dizzy. Could vomit.
Me: Must be 1000 degrees in this coffin.
Me: Fuck global warming.
Me: I’m going to bang on the door and yell.
Me: Listen for me!
Me: Dizzy again, now with splinters.
Me: Pretty sure I’m going to die here.
Me: In my poo coffin.
Me: Amazing how strong outhouse is and how weak I am.
Me: Feel like a girl.
Me: Going to die feeling like a girl.
Me: Going to die never having seen a UFO or discovered my spirit guide.
Me: Never got to go to Japan.
Me: So sorry I never got to take you to kinky Japan.
Me: I love you Rachelle.
Me: I loved you with everything I had.
Me: Never really cheated on you.
Me: I want you to go on and live a beautiful life without me– like that speech in Titanic.
Me: I’m Jack and you’re Rose.
Me: Watch that and think of me swimming around in the water.
Me: But DO NOT hook-up with Armand.
Me: Yeah, don’t think I don’t notice the way you light up around him.
Me: Armand. Stupid name.
Me: Like a perfume.
Me: How could you like him???
Me: Would haunt the hell out of you if you hooked-up with him.
Me: HE IS A DICK.
Me: Getting darker in here.
Me: Oxygen must be getting low.
Me: Don’t know how much longer can last.
Me: Would like Sigur Ros played at my funeral and that scene from Armageddon when Bruce Willis is saying good-bye from space projected as backdrop.
Me: My love, you were always the best part of me.
Me: I will be with you always.
Me: You were my everything.
Me: Waiting now for the chariot to swing low.
Me: When the light comes for me I will go to it.
Me: I am ready.
Me: NO!!!
Me: I will fight for you!
Me: I’m not going to give up!!
Me: Splinters be damned!!
Me: Oh.
Me: Just spotted little clasp under handle.
Me: WOW!!
Me: The clasp releases the external lock!!
Me: The world is an explosion of sunlight!
Me: Electrolytes dangerously low, but will stagger to cottage.
Me: Realize how precious life is now.
Me: Hate abortion!
Me: Just stubbed toe on rock!
Me: Hate abortion, rocks and global warming!
Me: I’m coming for you, my love, I’m coming.
Me: If you get this, please save croissant for me, feeling peaked.
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