1:40 P.M. EDT

MR. SPICER: Good afternoon. First off, yes, it’s true. Arby’s will officially be designated “America’s Roast Beef, Yes Sir!” After expert negotiations, President Trump will be signing an executive order this afternoon that will establish a formal marketing partnership between Arby’s and the United States of America. We hope and expect that this will prove mutually beneficial to both parties for years to come.

On a personal note I want to say that I worked at an Arby’s when I was a teenager growing up in Rhode Island back in the 80’s. We used to have quite a few vacationing gays come in looking for an affordable and delicious meal, and although most people were scared of their disease, I never had a problem with them.

I found them to be a very tidy people. You could always tell which table they’d been eating at because it was just so clean.

Anyhow, Arby’s makes the best sandwich in America, as President Trump knows, and if you’re ever driving by an Arby’s you should stop and try one of their Roast Beef Gyro’s.

The classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita. Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

$4.29.

A great deal. The kind of deal that only President Donald Trump could negotiate for America.

You’d be an idiot not to buy that gyro.

A real, goddamned idiot.

On another note, drug abuse has crippled communities across this nation. In 2015, more than 52,000 Americans — that’s 144 people a day — died from a drug overdose. And a lot of those people were white. Keep in mind that this all happened under Barack Obama’s watch. I’m not saying he orchestrated this White Holocaust– although we have received a variety of intelligence reports indicating that might be the case– I’m just pointing out the facts so that you can make up your own minds.

Okay press monkeys, let’s play a game.

I want you now to imagine that terrorists killed 144 predominately white Americans each day. Imagine them in their orange jumpers. On fire in cages and stuff.

If that was the case there wouldn’t be a terrorist left on the planet under this administration. We would have killed them all. And their families. Even their pitiful animals. But as you know, you can’t always drop a bomb on your problems, perhaps even more so when those problems belong to your own people, and so President Trump is working on a joint initiative with Pfizer to create a new and safer opiate for all the despairing Americans who lost their manufacturing jobs to illegals. Pfizer, an exemplary company with revenues exceeding 50 billion per year, will be familiar to many of you in the press corps because you gobble Zoloft and Viagra like candy.

If it wasn’t for Pfizer, half of you would be on the street.

In other new, President Trump has Tweeted Direct Messages to the King of Saudi Arabia, the Prime Minister of Japan and the Acting President of South Korea concerning the United States’ military strike on the airfield in Syria, and oh, look, there’s Ivanka!

What a vision in a floral print!

Stunning, just stunning.

That Ivanka Trump line is really something else!

Let’s give her a round of applause!

Okay, we’ve run out of time and the questions will have to wait for another time! Please help yourself to the Arby’s spread at the back of the room! Thank you all very much for attending!

1. Chances that an American athlete would break down a door in the Olympic Village 7-1.

I considered this bet to be easy money. We all know that athletes are competitive, and none more so than entitled, overfunded American ones who really like to get their party on. Combining this personality type with the decrepit state of Russian infrastructure and the rage associated with steroids and steroid-masking technologies, it was almost a guarantee that a door would be smashed in. I bet $700 on this, and when Johnny Quinn, an American bobsledder and ex NFL player, broke naked through his poorly functioning bathroom door in the athlete’s village, I was a winner.

Result= +$4900

2. Who would win the gold medal at men’s skeleton in Sochi?

I was on the Lisgar Collegiate Institute boys’ skeleton team in high school, and I can tell you participation in that sport is an insane death wish—you fly face-first down an ice cliff on a bladed Krazy Karpet using your toes to steer. (It should go without saying that high school was a VERY difficult time for me, a time made even more painful by the ceaseless bombardment of snowballs I endured whenever I took sliding to the track.) Gambling on this sport is like playing the lottery, as none of the martyr/athletes really has any influence on the outcome. That being said, it would have been wise to pick a Russian, as it’s common for officials to heat the track to make it slow and sluggish after the Russians have competed. However, the odds on handsome Spaniard Amber Mirambell (300-1!!) proved too enticing and I bet $500 on him for gold.

Result= – $500

3. Over/under for deaths in short-track speed skating (including relay): 7

I felt very compromised betting on this as I abhor the idea of rooting for anybody’s misfortune, but it seems clear that there would be way more than seven deaths in this sport. Honestly, I think there could be seven deaths in just one race. It’s Roller Derby with knives, practically a Slasher film. I bet $1300 on the over.

Result= – $1300

4. Olympic Sex Tape

Given that the matchmaking app Tinder was the breakout star of the Sochi games, it was speculated that it would be the first Olympics that featured a leaked sex tape.

Odds that a sex tape will surface: 3-1

Odds that the Russian men’s ice hockey team will be involved in the sex tape: 1-1

Odds that the Jamaican bobsled team will be in the sex tape: 9-1

Odds that the sex tape will be of a homosexual nature: 50-1

Odds that the sex tape will include any of the mascots from the Opening Ceremonies: 50-1

Odds that an ice-dance duo will be in the sex tape: 200-1

I bet $3000 that there will be a sex tape and placed $250 on each of the sub-options. Fingers crossed.

Result= – $4500

6. Odds that there will be a biathlon shooting accident involving a homosexual: 25-1

I could see that getting certified proof that the accident victim was an actual homosexual was going to be a bureaucratic nightmare, so I just avoided this bet altogether.

Result= Even

7. Odds that America, in the corporate form of Sports Illustrated, would attempt to upstage the Olympics by featuring Kate Upton in a bikini, floating about in a zero-gravity plane, as their feature story instead of, say, sports: 7-1

You simply cannot bet against America being America, and so I wagered $200 on the model in a zero gravity plane.

Result= + $1400.00

Total= Even

It was not UPS handing me a big box of money, as I had hoped, but a young man and a young woman, shivering and smiling. God had sent them. I rolled my eyes and gave them the “Oh, come on!” look, and then the man began to speak quickly. He handed me a flier and invited me to come to a talk at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses on the weekend.

“I’m a fag,” I said bluntly.

“Many struggle with such feelings,” said the man.

“Oh, I don’t struggle, I embrace those feelings, I embrace them hard and frequently,” I responded.

“You should come to our event, we would welcome you,” the woman quietly said.

“But you don’t welcome homosexuality in your church, do you?’ I asked.

She looked at me with dewy, hopeful eyes, “Our ministry is a ministry of hope for anyone who is seeking to serve Jehovah. Jesus loves EVERYONE, including homosexuals, lesbians and transvestites. He is the Great Healer.”

The man stepped in, “However, Scripture is clear that God intended for sexuality to remain within the boundaries of one-man, one-woman marriage, but a homosexual or lesbian relationship isn’t any more condemned by God than a heterosexual relationship outside the bonds of marriage.”

“God sure is funny about sex. Why do you think he never took a wife? I’ve always wondered about that. I’ve had my suspicions, you know? It just seems that all of his rules, especially against the gays, seems a little over-compensatory.”

“If you come to our event, all will be explained,” he said.

“Will brunch be served? 10:00 is pretty early for me on a Saturday. Also, will there be quizzes. I like quizzes. I do brain training games everyday!”

The woman piped up again, “There won’t be any quizzes, but there will be coffee and donuts.”

“I’ve got to hand it to God, he really does know how to put on a classy event. But look, Jehovah knows all and never makes a mistake, so why would he make me this way, with the feelings, the strong, strong feelings that I have and act on a couple of times everyday?”

“Science is starting to reveal that when a baby is growing in the womb, certain chemicals are released that enable the baby to discern the moods of the mother and sense whether she wants the child. This sense of alienation confuses the child which is why they move to homosexuality later in life,” the woman said.

“So, it’s the mother’s fault, of course! Now it makes sense, and look, just so you know, everybody online thinks that the Jesus on your fliers looks exactly like Kenny Loggins. It’s become a bit of an Internet meme.”

And then I closed the door.

September 27, 1978

Dear Andy:

Summer Camp was awesome!

I’ll never forget Camp Pinnacle or the excellent times we shared. I am disappointed that we never got to see Bigfoot or a UFO, though. But just so you know, I would play Cowboys and Indians with you anytime!

You will always be my cowboy.

Your Indian,

Michael Murray

April 16th, 1981

Dear Anderson:

Just so you know, I like girls. I really do. I don’t know, maybe you think that what took place between us (and it was only in the water!!) was like, homo or something, but it wasn’t. I like girls.

I kissed one last week. Her name was Padmakshi and it felt different but good. I haven’t yet felt her boob, but I know the day is coming. Do you think about Camp Pinnacle a lot? I do. Your eyes are as blue as the waters of Lake Wantok.

Michael Murray

April 19th, 1981

Dear Anderson:

Turns out Padmakshi was a whore! I saw her necking and getting felt up

by James Trylowsky last night! I hate her and I hope her house burns

down! I didn’t really like her anyway as her skin was too dry. I mean,

what does she wash with, sandpaper?

Michael Murray

PS: My parents just got a dog and we named her Cooper!

October 25rd, 1986

Dear Anderson:

I’m at university in Montreal now and the babes are wild! Man alive! I’m drunk all the time and the chicks are just all over me. I can’t keep them away in either French or English! Not that I’d want to. I mean, there’s no way I’d want to keep the girls away, because I love

them!

I love them for sex!

I think I’m going to be a lawyer when I get out of school. What about you, what do you want to be? Do you still have that cowboy outfit you used to wear back at Camp Pinnacle?

Michael Murray

October 3, 1991

Dear Anderson:

I’m working as a waiter and living with my parents. How are you?

Michael Murray

July 6, 1996

Dear Anderson:

Wow! I just saw you on TV and I have to say, you look fucking fantastic! You’re all famous and everything. I always knew that you would be. You were the best swimmer in camp! I always thought that you just had good manners, but now I know it’s because you came from money and had been to Europe and stuff. You’re quite the catch! (Ha-Ha)

I should let you know that it’s also pretty great to be me, too. I still like girls quite a bit, even though the recurring dreams and migraines continue. Ha, it’s funny, but I didn’t even notice that I chewed my nails until my therapist pointed it out to me during a session. She’s big into dream analysis, this one, and she wants me to focus on a dream I’ve had about twice a month ever since, well, I guess roughly the time we attended Camp Pinnacle.

Tell me what do you think?

I am a boy and I’m swimming in a lake. I don’t know how but I can tell that Jesus is watching me and that it’s his strength that’s giving me the power to swim. I’m swimming so fast! My mind and body are in perfect concert and I can do anything that I want in the water. It’s sunny and perfect, life at it’s best, and then I see another boy, Anderson, and he’s underwater tugging at my trunks. We begin to play and suddenly Jesus appears in the form of a shark and he’s swimming right at me and then I wake up screaming and covered in sweat.

Michael Murray

PS: The family dog Cooper died three months ago and we’re all very sad.

December 21, 1999

Dear Cooper Anderson the Superstar:

Is Y2K anything to really worry about?

Michael Murray

PS: I am including a picture I drew of you as a rugged tank commander.

February 17th, 2005

Dear Anderson:

It’s been a big year for you!

You covered Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami in Thailand, that revolution in Beirut, the death of the pope and the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. That was so romantic, don’t you think? I mean, after so many years their love still burned brightly and they were able to finally get married! It fills my heart with hope to watch that. And the outfits, the outfits were just awesome. If I ever get married I think I’m going to have a theme wedding, something fun. Maybe one half of the wedding party will dress up as cowboys and the other half as Indians? What do you think of that?

By the way, The Mole was awesome and I really miss it!

Michael Murray

June 1st, 2012

Anderson:

Well, I’m glad that you came to me with that question.

It’s true that your sexuality has nothing to do with your career, but at this point you’ve become such a well-known figure that to not address it seems a tacit admission of shame. People are going to love Anderson Cooper whether he’s gay or not, and they are always going to respect what you have to say. The truth is that it’s just not that big a deal— at least not for you— although it might be for others who for whatever reason keep things repressed and bottled up until they think that they’re going to explode and murder their parents whom they still live with. You should just say, “Look, the fact is I’m gay, always have been and always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself and proud.” And then just leave it at that.

That’s what I would do if I was gay, but of course, I’m not.

I’m still very straight and the migraines are still very bad.

I’ve been eating a lot of Kale, hoping that might help.

You might be interested to hear that after seeing Moonrise Kingdom I went and visited Camp Pinnacle. I sat on the dock by the lake (remember?) for a long time just staring out at the waters and thinking about all that lay beneath the surface.

As ever,

Michael Murray