The attendees, the world’s financial and economic elite, are a small group but one that still manages to account for roughly 50% of the entire wealth on the planet. This is entirely mind-blowing, of course, and the fact that 1,700 private jets transported this precious cargo to their destination nestled in the Swiss Alps, where they were to focus their collective genius on income inequality and climate change is tragically ironic. The organizers of the meeting even went so far as to hire A-List actresses Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron and Jennifer Lawrence, as well as all-time Major League Baseball hits leader Pete Rose to work the coat-check.
Its no surprise then that the swag given to each person who attended the conference was impressive, to say the least. What follows is a list of the items and services provided in the official Davos Gift Bag for all who attended the 2015 World Economic Forum:
A stylish satchel with shoulder strap that proudly states, “Committed to improving the state of the world.”
A pair of Roots Canada winter mittens.
A 1.5 litre bottle of virgin glacial water, hand-melted by Greenland artisans who chip the ice out of the glacier, transport it home and melt it over a fire using a traditional stentøj.
An albino peacock.
Box seats at the 2016 NHL All-Star game.
A six-month personal services contract with a supermodel.
A permit to hunt the Amur Leopard of the Primorye region of Russia.
A lock of Ronald Regan’s hair.
An Academy Award.
Sarah Palin’s stolen cell phone pics.
A special guest appearance on Game of Thrones.
Embryonic stem cells from Roger Federer’s twins.
Time machine.
Actual torture hood used at Abu Ghraib.
This week I told her students about the Guardians of Peace, the agency that hacked into Sony, spilled all the gossip on the movie stars and Hollywood executives, changed international policy and held a movie hostage. They were duly impressed, and in accordance with the way I described the group, they thought of them as a combination of God, Santa Claus and G.I. Joe. I asked each child to write a letter to the Guardians of Peace, and these are a few of my favourites:
Dear Guardians of Peace:
Are you related to the Guardians of the Galaxy??
My mother took me to that movie in the summer and it was AWESOME! There was a raccoon that shot a machine gun and a tree-person! It was the best. If you haven’t seen it, you should go as soon as you can! Anyway, do you think you two could work together, and if not, perhaps you could fight against one another and it could be made into a movie? I would buy all the action figures.
S. Age 9
I have a cat named Tinker. The other day she caught a mouse! It was disgusting and cool at the same time! I felt bad for the mouse but I also felt excited! Is that what it’s like to be a terrorist? Is Tinker a terrorist?
M. Age 8
Dear Guardians of Peace:
This year I asked for a cape for Christmas but I did not get it. I was good all year long and really deserved the cape, but still, Santa forgot it. I think he’s getting old and is slipping. It’s time for him to go. You seem to be very powerful, would you consider taking over Santa’s job? If so, I would like a cape for Christmas, the game Grand Theft Auto and to be allowed to watch Game of Thrones.
W. Age 10
Dear Guardians of Peace:
Why did you say the bad things about Angelina Jolie?
She’s pretty, and all she wants to do is adopt babies and make the world a better place. My father says that you are terrorists and cowards, and that everybody in North Korea is short. I have included a drawing of a short person.
S. Age 9 ½
]]>These are a collection of Taliban Tweets:
The Taliban cannot tolerate biased media.
Too long have we been mocked and misunderstood.#Unclesamisunclean
8 puppets killed, 3 vehicles destroyed in Langham battle: bit.ly/XnJr2m
Victory! A Mujhadeed has seized a motorbike from the unholy invaders!
Invader General Petraeus should be shot by relatives from his mistress’s family or stoned to death.
Mondays always make me feel blue, and this cold is not helping. Sinuses clogged.
@Puppetobama what sort of man would kiss another?! It is unholy!
I do not like the rain. May it rain on America for an eternity!
An invading infidel walks into a market and asks for nuts and the patriot vendor says, “ We have no nuts, puppet!!”
The Taliban has enduring patience and long-term Jihadist strategies against the malicious plots of the enemy!
Mortars hit infidel invader camps. The Blood of our enemies flows: bit.lu?MoYr6h
I fear that one of my wives has fallen out of love with me. We used to laugh together so much, but now, never.
The Taliban will not abandon the struggle for freedom and will not pardon you until the withdrawal of your last soldier. #Unclesamisunclean
RT: America you are a Big Mac! Fat and greasy!
Taliban fun fact: The Pathans are notorious for family feuds, often the result of disputes over zar, zan or zamin – gold, women or land.
@anglinajolie You are a whore.
A woman is like having a flower. You water it and keep it at home for yourself to look at and smell. It is not supposed to be taken out of the house to be smelled. #truth
Landmines eliminate 2 US-nato tanks in Khan-e-Sheen district: bit.ly/SFi7oA
2 puppets of special-forces killed in bomb attack.
RT The Lakers have contacted Phil Jackson. He’s reportedly interested in the job. #WeWantPhil bit.ly/SWgLK8
@Amir Please feel free to DM me—bored at work.
Taliban shout-out to Aarif who proudly declared that he had killed seven male members of a Mahsud family for having insulted his wife, and so far only his brother had been killed in the revenge!
I wish Taylor Swift were one of my wives. I would cover her in the finest raiments and play for her the rubab.
The boy’s name is Jurg and he’s 12 years old. He lives in a city I’ve never heard of (Prokhladny) in a part of the Russian Federation I’ve never heard of (Kabardino-Balkaria), and by sending him $25 a month, I’m helping to feed, clothe and educate him.
What follows is my correspondence with Jurg.
Dear Jurg:
Well, it’s nice to meet you! My name is Michael and I live in the city of Toronto, Canada with my wife and our little wiener dog Heidi. I work as a writer and my wife as a graphic artist. She’s tall and I’m not. Toronto is a pretty cool place, and if you ever get the opportunity you should come and visit. I hope the small contribution I make to you is of some use, and that we become best friends over the years. Please, tell me all about your life in Russia!
Mr. Murray:
My English is not expert so forgive mistakes please. My father, before he left he never forgave the mistake and would yell, “Jurg, Jurg, you are bad in the head!” and he would hit me. I work in Tungsten mine to make bread. The money you sent is kind and I thank you. Send photograph of your tall wife?
Jurg:
I’m so sorry to hear that your father beat you. That’s awful, but I’m sure that he loves you very much and was likely just having difficulties managing the stresses in his life. It’s sometimes very complicated to be an adult. I am sending you a picture of our little family here in Toronto and hope you are well!
Mr. Murray:
Toronto is city where Maple Leaf hockey club play, right? They are the shits. Russia much better at hockey than Canada. Your wife not bad, though, much better than you. You have potato on face where nose should be! I say wife 8 out of 10. If you spare more money life be better for Jurg and maybe he get lucky with lady who 8 out of 10.
Jurg:
Ha-Ha, such a precocious boy! That line about me having a potato on my face is very funny! Maybe you’ll grow up to be a comedian! The ladies like comedians, you know!
Potato Face:
We are very sorry to see you no send more money. We now have picture of your pretty wife and little dog and have many cousins living in Toronto. Would be shame if something happened to them.
Something with brick happen to make blood.
When 9, I drown a bear in Tambuken Lake.
Jurg:
I’m afraid I cannot afford any more than $40 a month. I hope that this amount is able to help you and your family.
Potato Face:
That is better. Jurg now own pit bull for safety. In your sake I call him potato face. No more letters from you, just money assistance, understand?
]]>