As you might have heard, Joe Biden has announced his bid for the Presidency in 2020.
The email campaign has begun, but not without some initial hiccups. The inaugural effort produced this result:
“Heather–
America is a football field. Based on the founding principle that all men and women and other people on the gender spectrum must be tackled.”
“Heather–
America is a hammer. You are a nail.”
“Heather–
You are a nail. A very pretty nail with fragrant, healthy hair. America is a hammer. A big, big hammer.”
“Heather–
America is a set of excellent golf clubs. You are a shiny, white ball, dimpled and cute.”
“Heather–
America is a popsicle. You will lick the popsicle and it will taste good.”
“Heather–
America is a lineup in a sub-optimal amusement park. I am the gift shop.”
“Heather–
America is an airport mall. Based on the fondling principle that if people are bored they will buy things.”
Heather–
Yes, America is an airport mall. But it is not based on a “fondling principle,” but a “founding principle.” I am sorry and I am listening. Call me. ”
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The other day President-elect Donald Trump gathered his cabinet together for a round of golf and some frank talk about America.
A transcript of their conversation in the locker room of Trump National Golf Course in Westchester, NY was leaked to the press:
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Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:
Hey, you bitches know Florida, right?
General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:
Total smoke show.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
That baby got back!
Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:
Testify!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
I love her coasts. Superb coasts. The best coasties in all of America. I love to get right in there, stick my face in the them and just splash them all around.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
It is no Russian propaganda that you sir, are the the greatest man on the planet!
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
You da man! Big dog always huntin’!
Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:
She ever let you into her Everglades?
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Let me tell you, her Everglades are very exclusive, like so, so super exclusive that you wouldn’t even believe, and let me tell you, I have been to her Everglades many, many, many times. She can’t get enough. When I’m with her, I make it rain.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
You’re the RainMaker, sir!
General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:
I once had a layover in Delaware. Did some real drilling there, let me tell you, yeah, some real drilling.
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Delaware?! She’s a village bicycle. Disease infested. Strictly bottom-rung. Not even a 6 out of 10.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
Yo, you better get yourself checked by your doctor, could have the crabs.
Donald Trump, President-elect:
“Brain Surgeon!” Give The General here an examination, tell us if Delaware gave him the clap.
Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:
I can tell from here he’s got SDD, Small Dick Disease, and that it’s terminal!
Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:
That sick burn pleases the Lord!!
( High-fives and laughter from all)
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
Anyone playing Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare?
Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:
Fucking rules. Took three Ativan and played it for eight straight hours last night.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
Zombie mode is the tits!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Okay, okay, girls, let’s focus. Listen up. Okay. There’s a black guy and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving?
(The cabinet is silent)
Donald Trump, President-elect:
The cop!!
(The cabinet howls with laughter!)
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
You got to Tweet that one, President-elect!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Okay, who lost that round of golf? Was it Ross the Loss? No? “Brain Surgeon”? Was it you? Bad Hombre Priebus? No, okay we’ll make it Sloppy Second Pence. Pence you’re today’s loser and have to buy us all dinner. Has to be an exceptional meal, super exceptional, the very best, and if it is, I’ll bring out those Sarah Palin hot tub pics I was telling you about.
Recently, he’s gone so far as to start referring to the man as Saint Donald, and as absurd and even ironic as this strikes the vast majority of the populace, people have been reporting miracles involving Donald Trump for quite some time:
A golfer who lives in Anaheim claims to have seen an apparition of Donald Trump floating above the 13th green at the prestigious Trump National Golf Club. Normally, the golfer would have laid up and played for a par, but the Trump apparition seemed to be telling him to go for it, and so he did, holing the 260 yard shot for an eagle. “It was a damn miracle,” Chip Anger said, “I’d never done anything like that in my life.”
It was reported the Donald Trump came upon a Miss Universe contestant taking a bath and that she tried to entice him to bathe with her.
However, she was not Donald’s type, as he does not like small breasts, and so he refused, but not wanting to leave the young woman devastated, he turned her bath water into Trump Super Premium Vodka.
An evil and disgruntled contestant on The Apprentice had been making designs to assassinate Donald Trump, as she was certain she was to be the next who was to be fired. While in the boardroom she poured some poison into his glass of Trump brand water, and sure enough, just as Donald uttered the words, “Ereka, you’re fired!” his glass of water spontaneously shattered.
A man’s wife would not have sex with him. She would not even stimulate his genitals with her hand, and was planning on leaving him, so this man asked Trump for some advice on how to bring back her love. And Trump blessed a Trump brand steak for him, and said: “Serve your woman this steak, and after she has eaten of the Trump brand steak and tidied up, her lust for you will be huge.” And after the man had done that, his wife gave him great love, and it remained that she could not be far from him and was always eager to please him.
One day while some of his luxury condo dwellers were busy enjoying their opulent homes of burnished marble and luxurious platinum, all the power went out. When Donald Trump was told of this problem, flames, like flashes from a flint when struck, leapt from his tiny, vulgar fingers and all electricity was immediately restored.
Donald J. Trump: I just hope that Brad was smart and had a prenup like I did. #ArtofTheDeal
Donald J. Trump: Getting married, like ISIS, is no joke– you need to be ruthless when you end it!
Donald J. Trump: It’s a nuclear situation. #VladisaGreatLeader
Donald J. Trump: Brad Pitt, a little flaky. In a golf tournament with him once. No sense for the game.
Donald J. Trump: Quite a bit shorter than me, but still a real looker.
Donald J. Trump: Anyway, when you’re rich and powerful you can have your pick. That’s the American way.
Donald J. Trump: Brad knows that, so why would he stay with damaged goods?
Donald J. Trump: Why would America stay with damaged goods? Time for a change, America! #TrumpIceGreatestWaterEver
Donald J. Trump: Sure, Angelina was really something a few year ago, but now? After all those cancer surgeries? Brad can do better. America can do better! #VoteTrump
Donald J. Trump: Do people notice Crooked and Sick Hillary is copying my airplane rallies – she puts the plane behind her like I have been doing from the beginning.
Donald J. Trump: Crooked and Sick Hillary is taking the day off again, she needs the rest. Sleep well Crooked and Sick Hillary – see you at the debate!
Donald J. Trump: Wonder if Gwyneth Paltrow had anything to do with the end of Brangelina?
Donald J. Trump: Wouldn’t put it past her.
Donald J. Trump: You gotta watch out for the exes. Always come crawling back.
Donald J. Trump: Paltrow married a Brit. Always putting on a fake accent. Don’t trust her.
Donald J. Trump: Both she and Angelina are washed up. Sad.
Donald J. Trump: Bet Jennifer Aniston is happy now.
Donald J. Trump: There’s an American. A real girl next door.
Donald J. Trump: Rachel, and those headlights? Whoah. What American man didn’t want to shtup her?
Donald J. Trump: I would take my chances with her, she’s one Skittle I’d eat regardless of the poison risk. #NoToSyrianRefugees
Donald J. Trump: Did I have sex with Jennifer Aniston? Gentlemen don’t tell. #Probably
Donald J. Trump: Did I have sex with Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie? All I will say is I am very happy with my beautiful wife.
Donald J. Trump: Melania will be the most beautiful First Lady in history!
Donald J. Trump: I know it’s not politically correct to say, but Crooked Hillary has to be the ugliest FLOTUS in history!
Donald J. Trump: Why would we want her as the ugliest POTUS, too?
Donald J. Trump: Brad Pitt hates Crooked Hillary.
Donald J. Trump: I don’t even think Bill had sex with Crooked, Sick Hillary. #WasChelseaAdopted
Donald J. Trump: Crooked Hillary wants to take your 2nd Amendment rights away. Will guns be taken from her heavily armed Secret Service detail? Maybe not!
Donald J. Trump: However, you do have to hand it to Angelina for taking her clothes off in so many movies. Very brave.
Donald J. Trump: Nobody braver than our troops though! Not even naked Angelina!
Donald J. Trump: She never would have had a done a nude scene if she was a Muslim. #FeministsForTrump
Donald J. Trump: Think about it America.
Donald J. Trump: Commemorative Donald Trump coins now available for order. #Buy9The10thForFree
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Eliminate all conflict-of-interest restrictions governing elected officials. Buy-off and/or torture all in opposition.
Remove Harriet Tubman from twenty-dollar bill, replace with Keith Hernandez.
Find out difference between Hispanic, Latino and Mexican. Fire Mexicans. Find out if Cespedes is Mexican; if so, grant amnesty.
Rename ballpark Donald J. Trump, POTUS, Luxury Baseball Stadium and Driving Range. Also suitable for use as as detention/execution facility in off-season
Mr. Met is a loser as far as mascots go, no talent, but the merchandizing is in place.
Need to open up new mascot revenue streams. Sidekick? Chris Christie? Put him in a flesh-colored bodysuit? Sad clown in flesh-colored bodysuit wearing opponent’s hat?? Mr. Met beats on him with a baseball bat or lead pipe whenever we score.
Every time the opposing pitcher gets pulled from the game a giant image of me, President Donald J. Trump, will appear on the video screen saying, “You’re fired!” Crowd goes wild. Crowds love me, especially mobs.
Contact NASA and find out what planet Noah Syndergarrd is from. Get more like him.
Replace foul poles with beautiful, high-quality columns made from the finest ivory and marble.
Order CIA Black Op to steal opponent’s signals. Be present to ensure waterboarding.
In off-season run reality show to determine Mets new closer. Call it “The Closer.” Think intro: “I’m President Donald J. Trump, the greatest negotiator on the planet. I have what it takes to be the ultimate closer, do you?”
Create companion show for The Closer called, “The Burning Hot Wives of Major League Baseball!”
Interview players, management and other team owners (include fan vote but disregard) to find out who baseball’s hottest wives are. Then the wives, in bikinis, tennis skirts, etc, compete against one another (setting a dinner table, pleasing your man in bed, skiing, etc) to see who is the ULTIMATE trophy wife. Winner gets a featured modelling spot in Sports Illustrated and a $100,000 shopping/cosmetic surgery spree with Melania in her native Slovenia. Note: Buy Sport’s Illustrated.
Sign biggest star in the world for role in organization. Leo?? Hulk Hogan?? Billy Joel?? Larry King?? Meet with cabinet to discuss.
Donald Trump’s New York Mets-themed golf resort and luxury casino on Rockaway Beach. Former Mets work as greeters, golf instructors, bartenders, housekeepers, dealers, masseurs and high-end gigolos. Premier bachelorette party destination and homosexual paradise. Will sink Vegas.
Honor the Job Creators Night. Plutocrats and their servants get in for free. During the seventh-inning stretch there will be a welfare queen scramble. The assembled poor will run about the outfield trying to collect one dollar bills as they’re blown around by a giant fan. Loser who receives the most handouts gets a collector’s edition, Omarosa bobble-head doll and $150 worth of gaming chips at Donald Trump’s New York Mets-themed golf resort and luxury casino on Rockaway Beach.
Fire manager every three months. Employees work best if motivated by fear. (Reminder: Fire personal assistant, efficient but missing a finger, not Trump quality)
Buy-off all the umpires, but torture them first.
]]>Not being the type of man to evade controversy regarding his penis, Trump immediately took to Twitter to clarify the matter.
@realDonaldTrump: Unlike Obama, the ABSOLUTE worst President in history, I don’t dodge the tough questions.
@realDonaldTrump: When his handlers told him to deny the American people an answer to the birth certificate question, he caved and did what he was told.
@realDonaldTrump: He avoided the question. Not what a leader does.
@realDonaldTrump: Nobody owns Donald Trump, and nobody owns the American People! #TrumpInternationalGolfLinks&Hotel
@realDonaldTrump: Donald Trump is an energetic leader, and if the people want to know the size of my penis, then I will show them!
@realDonaldTrump: Believe me, I have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. I GUARANTEE you that I am WAY bigger than average! #DonaldJTumpSignatureCollection
@realDonaldTrump: Here he is, the Chairman of the Board, the Trump Tower:
@realDonaldTrump: My doctor, who is the BEST doctor in all of New York, says that I am in PERFECT health, my hands are LARGER than normal, and my penis is in the 98% percentile in terms of length AND width.
@realDonaldTrump: And let me tell you, it functions, boy, does it EVER function!
@realDonaldTrump: No complaints in the bedroom.
@realDonaldTrump: Just ask tennis superstar Maria Sharapova.
@realDonaldTrump: She was pretty inexperienced, but I taught her a thing or two. #ArtOfTheDeal
@realDonaldTrump: And her legs! Beautiful woman, truly beautiful.
@realDonaldTrump: Sad to hear about her drug scandal, but she’ll bounce back. Tough girl. Winner. One of my crowning achievements.
@realDonaldTrump: Charo.
@realDonaldTrump: Charo met the Trump Tower MANY times.
@realDonaldTrump: One of THE greatest guitarists of the 70’s.
@realDonaldTrump: What a body!!
@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton.
@realDonaldTrump: We did it on the 16th green of one of my many luxury golf courses.
@realDonaldTrump: She was more than satisfied.
@realDonaldTrump: Loved the Trump brand.
@realDonaldTrump: The grass was cut so fine it felt like velvet. Can’t remember the course, but it doesn’t matter, they’re ALL cut like that. #TrumpQuality
@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton, she was very athletic back in the 80s. Miss California. #MostMexicansAreRapists
@realDonaldTrump: Appeared in Battle of the Network Stars. Looked great in a bathing suit. I have to say, I had my opportunities with a lot of those ladies.
@realDonaldTrump: I even have a few regrets, a few opportunities missed, but I won’t talk about those now, a gentleman has to keep some secrets, right?!
@realDonaldTrump: Connie Sellecca. She met the Chairman of the Board.
@realDonaldTrump: Multiple times.
@realDonaldTrump: Marco Rubio couldn’t even get a loser like Rosie O’Donnell. #LittleMarco
@realDonaldTrump: Also, Sharon Stone, star of Basic Instinct, and a HUGE Trump supporter, stuck her hand down my pants in the bathroom of the Rainbow Room.
@realDonaldTrump: Very sexy. #CouldHaveDoneHerInTheBathroomButDidn’tAsWasMarried
@realDonaldTrump: I haven’t even scratched the surface here. So many more.
@realDonaldTrump: Let’s make America great again! #VoteTrump
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And as most of you also know, Donald Trump is an absolute master of Twitter, (@realDonaldTrump) a medium which is quickly becoming the primary means of disseminating thought and information. In case you’ve forgotten, here are some of Trump’s most penetrating, brilliant and revealing Tweets:
“If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country—I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses!”
“Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”
(That is not Robert Pattinson in the above photographs)
“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”
“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
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Ever the iconoclast, Trump has decided to participate in the Presidential debate via Twitter, limiting his answers to a blunt 140 characters. These are some of the Tweets that Trump and his team have been preparing for the night:
On the Charleston shooting:
“Tragedy. National tragedy. As an olive branch from the whites, I am offering any black $100 worth of gambling chips, free, at any of my casinos on the anniversary of that church shooting.”
“Mixed race guests get $50 worth of chips, which is still a great deal.”
Gay Marriage:
“Know lots of gay people. Best decorators in the world. They’re responsible for making my hotels look so great. Terrific race.”
“A couple of them have won Celebrity Apprentice, so I’m obviously not a bigot, even though I am big time Hetero.”
“I’ve slept with a lot of beautiful women.”
Health Care:
“Obamacare is a heat-seeking missile that will rape and destroy small businesses and jobs.”
“Hillary is a socialist, she doesn’t understand business, so I’m telling her once you rape small business, there are consequences, you can’t just go and get an abortion.”
“I would set up a different, much better, more luxurious system than we have now. It would have the Trump stamp of quality.”
ISIS:
“These guys just opened a hotel, can you believe it? Not only have they declared war on America, but now they’re going to war against me.”
“If I can make billions of dollars and build quality golf courses and real estate, I can destroy ISIS.”
“Donald Trump has never lost a war.”
“ISIS, what a bunch of chumps.”
The Mexican Border:
“I’m going to build a wall to keep Mexicans in Mexico, and you know it will be a solid, quality wall because it will be made by Trump builders. ”
“You know that wall in Game of Thrones? It will put that to shame, it will put China to shame, it will be the wall to end all walls, like the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in…”
“….exciting and beautiful Atlantic City. My fantastic casino has an exotic Indian theme–7-11 Indian though, not casino Indian.”
“No Mexicans will ever get through my wall to steal American jobs and water.”
“Is Salma Hayek Mexican? Classy lady. Beautiful, unlike most Mexican women who tend to be plain–they just don’t look after themselves as a people.”
We’re related, although the mechanics of this familial connection remain distant and unknown, and we only met once at a huge wedding about 15 years ago in Chicago. I thought we got along entirely brilliantly, but he proved reluctant to continue any sort of correspondence or relationship with me after the fact, growing more and more biting and bitter–as many aging actors who have never won an Oscar do– as the years passed and my career took off while he played the voice of Garfield in some movies.
At any rate, as some sort of promotion associated with the Toronto International Film Festival, Friday was declared Bill Murray Day and I was asked by a local publication if I would use my “special access” to the faded star to secure an interview. This is the result:
Dear Bill:
It’s your cousin Michael here, the funny Murray. Remember me? I was the one wearing the bowtie at the wedding in Chicago in 1998. I requested I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith at the party and because you were a really big ham and sang it to the wedding couple in that cheesy-we’ve-all-seen-it-a-million-times-way, it became “their song” and everybody thought you were a hero.
Nice one, Bill. Anyway, it didn’t end well for that couple. Botched murder-suicide. Not that you’d care.
I have some questions that a newspaper wants me to ask you, okay?
Here they are:
1. What was it that attracted you to the role of Garfield? Was it because you were horny for Jennifer Love Hewitt? She’s less than half your age, you know.
2. What do you think of the massive nude celebrity leak? Was it a good thing for democracy?
3. Why wouldn’t you ever enter any of my fantasy baseball leagues?
4. Are you sick of making movies with Wes Anderson yet because an awful lot of people are sick of seeing you in movies by Wes Anderson?
5. Do you know any of the details regarding Traci Murray’s alien abduction back in 1987? She didn’t have any tattoos before, but three after—very puzzling. It is a great family mystery and you should perhaps consider making a movie based on it once you’re finished with the Garfield trilogy.
6. You’re a big golf fan. Would you say that’s your greatest embarrassment? If not, please explain.
7. Are you “above” correspondence? My mother always said that your side of the Murray family always thought they were “special.”
8. Did you know that I won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
9. Have you won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
10. You made some pretty controversial remarks about Jewish people back at the wedding, would you care to take this time to elaborate upon them?
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Fun fact: The name Barbados is derived from the Bearded Fig trees once found in abundance on the island.
Fun fact: There are only three known ghosts on the entire island.
Fun fact: Barbados is the birthplace of Rihanna who lived here until the age of 16.
Fun fact: If a beach hustler with a gold tooth asks you if you want to buy a coconut or a seashell, he might mean cocaine or weed.
Fun fact: Bicyclists in Barbados do not wear helmets and shoes appear optional.
Fun fact: You will only see white women, as if in a movie they once saw, jogging on the beach.
Fun fact: Tiger Woods chose to have his wedding in Barbados in 2004.
Fun fact: Chickens roam as freely on the streets of Barbados as squirrels do in Toronto!
Fun fact: It is embarrassing to have your wife pull you to shore from an undertow when you were pretty sure you didn’t need any help at all, especially when cool looking locals playing dominoes were watching.
Fun fact: The people of Barbados have a long ingrained history of Christian principles.
Fun fact: Homosexuality is illegal in Barbados!
Fun fact: Some women in Barbados dress like superheroes– like those who wear capes and control the weather– for church on Sunday.
Fun fact: The middle-aged British women who sun on the beach all prefer reading crime mysteries to any other genre.
Fun fact: Sand crabs are faster and more perceptive than you’d think.
Fun fact: Finding an artificial flower petal washed-up on a gorgeous, dream beach is entirely dislocating.
Fun fact: The Six Million Dollar man is not a cultural reference widely understood by most Bajans.
Fun fact: Women who look like they might have worked at Coyote Ugly back in the day really enjoy the attention of beach hustlers.
Fun fact: Squid are also known as Seacat in Barbados.
Fun fact: Sometimes it is easy to mistake a night diver’s flashlight exploring the water just beneath the surface for sub-aquatic UFO activity.
Fun fact: In Barbados, one drives on the left side of the road, which is easy to forget, especially if you only have your Learner’s Permit.
Fun fact: Sometimes a monkey, as fast as a demon, will dart in front of your car.
Fun fact: Monkeys are not supernatural and can be killed upon impact with your car.
Fun fact: Monkey deaths are very upsetting.
Fun fact: The monkey face is very human and expressive and it is heartbreaking to see a dying one reach out to you with its little monkey hand on the side of a tropical road.
Fun fact: My wife can’t stop crying and I am pretty sure she now hates me.
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As many of you know, Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was there where we became last call drinking buddies. Over the years we’ve stayed in contact– usually messaging one another late at night when partying alone–and I’ve been lucky enough to have Rob write some letters for my family and I.
On behalf of my uncle, who was frustrated by his golf club’s new policy that forbid members from feeding any wildlife (squirrels) on the course:
To Whom it May Concern:
Cripes! What’s the harm in tossing a squirrel a bit of your hot dog bun?! A squirrel’s weight is a squirrel’s own goddamn business (LOL!!). What are you, a Soviet golf club? Do you make everybody use the same clubs, too, just to even the playing field so that a man of ambition and means is crippled? I tell you, its a disgusting example of over-governance, is what it is, and if somebody, like Lester Murray, wants to buy a hot dog he should be able to do anything he wants with that damn hot dog, including feeding it to a squirrel!
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
On behalf of my wife, who was unable to get on the recreational league ice hockey team that she wanted:
To Whom It May Concern:
This is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford here.
If Rachelle Maynard is not a first-liner on the Annex Assassins for the winter league of 2014, I will shut down Bill Bolton arena and fire all the assholes that work there. Make no mistake, I will do it–closing stuff gives me a hard on.
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
On my behalf, as a reference for a job I was applying for at Riverdale Farms.
To Whom it May Concern:
I have known Michael Murray for nearly 25 years, and never in my life have I seen a man who is better with animals. Did you know that he once rescued a baby pigeon and then fed the thing frozen peas– one at a goddamn time– every four hours until it died of natural causes? He did. Jesus damn Christ, he did. I still get weepy just thinking about it.
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
PS: Just a reminder, municipal funding for Riverdale Farms is coming up for review next year.
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