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Heidi always dog that very big into social media.
Heidi famous on Chatroulette for a while and into Snapchat way early!
Heidi do whatever it take to keep fan happy.
But even as savvy as Heidi is, still got confused and thought it Mice Bucket Challenge. Was SO excited for Mice Bucket Challenge!!!!
Through two-legger would dump bucket of mice over Heidi and she would chase chase chase all the mice and tear them to blood and little bone!! Be so awesome!! Be like dog Fear Factor where Heidi win all the prize! And then post Heidi’s glory online! Everybody see that Heidi the Alpha Dog and all send treats and squeak toys! It what Internet built for!!
Would be best thing ever!!
But turns out it was FUCKING Ice Bucket Challenge!
Worst day in Heidi’s life ever!!
Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver make Heidi sit in backyard. Say Heidi Good Dog and give her liver treats and summer sausage, but all a trick!! Never sincere! Not for one second! Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver some sort of ugly demon.
Heidi think something suspicious because bucket not smell like mouse terror and disease, and water fall from it, but Heidi in treat zone so not thinking clearly. Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver wheeze and pant when he try to lift bucket up. So weak. He pretend it more fun if he get pretty two-legger to help him, and Heidi just sit there thinking MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL and then slave owners dump freezing cold water with ice rock in it on Heidi!!! PSYCHOPATHS!! Heidi run in circles for 90 minutes, so crazy she wish she was squirrel and could climb tree!
Days later Heidi still freezing!!
Things never be the same again.
Trust broken.
Heidi fucking hate two-leggers.
Maybe kill in sleep.
Heidi always watching now.
“Do you have air conditioning?” I asked.
“Dah,” he responded in a blunt, unfriendly East European accent.
“Would you mind turning it on, please?”
“It is expensive for me to run AC, it take more energy, you know? So I keep windows open for breeze, OK?”
“Look, I’m sorry, but I’m dying in this heat, and the regulations say that you have to turn it on if the customer asks for it, right?”
The driver, irritated, snorted.
“What?” I asked, also irritated.
“You are weak, little man who can’t take sunshine?”
“Yes, that’s right. I am a weak, little man who can’t take the sunshine,” I sighed.
The driver pretended to laugh, shook his head and said something in a language that I presumed to be Russian.
“Have it your way, little mister boss.”
He then powered up the windows and contemptuously snapped on the AC.
We drove in black silence for the next five minutes.
I hated his fucking guts.
I hoped his native country got obliterated at the Olympics.
Food poisoning.
Nightmares with toys.
No Internet.
Being dunked-on while playing pick-up.
All these pestilences I wished upon him.
As I sat there concentrating my hatred, I began to pick at my fingernails. This is a habit that manifests when I’m angry, and in this case I managed to peel off several crescents of nails, which I then stored in my pocket. This detritus felt disgusting so I opened the window and tried to throw them out of the car.
The driver, his furious eyes staring at me from the rear-view mirror, shouted, “You demand AC like little dictator and now you put window down! You have no manners in my home! You waste my money, it is now five dollars extra!”
“C’mon, don’t be such a prick, I was just throwing a piece of fingernail out the window. Would you rather I left if on the seat?”
“You are disgusting man.”
“Like you’ve never picked at your fingernails.”
“You know who you are? You are like Gollum from The Hobbit. That is you.”
“That tattoo of a bear you have on the back of your neck looks gay.”
The driver slammed on the brakes.
“Gollum throw body waste out of my car, I throw Gollum out of my car. Get out now or I break you into pieces.”
“Really, are you serious?”
The driver looked at me, his eyes softening.
“Maybe I am not myself. My boy is sick and the doctors say he might lose hearing. It is awful and I cannot sleep, imaging his world without music, and then people like you come in and complain about small, small thing and I blow top. You be quiet and sit still, say nothing and I will take you home, but remember, say nothing!”
