He’s been Donald Trump’s personal physicians for the last dozen years or so, and is responsible for declaring Trump to be the healthiest man ever elected to the Presidency. He took a lot of flak for that, as you might imagine, and for the way he looks, too, so the transition from private to public life has been pretty traumatic. Consequently, Dr. Bornstein started to see a psychiatrist. What follows are some fragments from their hacked sessions:

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Bornstein: I had a dream a few days ago where I was in the Oval Office and accidentally walked in on President Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. They were having sex in the hovering butterfly position. I had a vision of the earth consumed in flames, and then all of my teeth started falling out.

********************************************

Psychiatrist: You seem bothered, Harold. Is there something on your mind?

Bornstein: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that America is great again, and I LOVE being the Surgeon General, but I’m starting to have some doubts about the Flesh Wall we’re building along the US/Mexico border.

We have no idea what sort of biological reactions are going to take place within that wall, and those reactions could be just as grave a threat as ISIS.

Psychiatrist: Have you spoken up about your feelings?

Bornstein: No.

Psychiatrist: We’ve had this talk a few times already, (about 90 seconds of inaudible talking)

Bornstein: I know, I know, I know, dammit!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!!

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Bornstein: In this dream Ivanka and I are beamed up into into a flying saucer. The aliens want us naked. We look at one another and understand.

Words are not needed. Our clothes fall away and we are naked and beautiful. Children of the universe. The aliens want us to couple. They need our beauty and fertility. My desire for Ivanka is almost overwhelming, and I can see that her desire for me is equally matched. As I pull her naked body to mine, I could see the earth, a distant blue jewel through the window just past her honey perfect shoulder. And then suddenly– due to something I knew her father had done– the earth just exploded, and as the UFO cartwheeled away from the shock waves, I was ejected naked and erect into space, where I spun alone for cold eternity.

********************************************

Last night I dreamt that a Mexican had shot the President.

I was working feverishly trying to save his life, but there was just so much blood! It was everywhere, even in my nostrils, but I keep working and working and then just when it looked like he was going to survive, I started to stab him until he was nothing more than meat for the Flesh Wall, and then I paused, took a deep breath, and then just keep stabbing.

This week I told her students about the Guardians of Peace, the agency that hacked into Sony, spilled all the gossip on the movie stars and Hollywood executives, changed international policy and held a movie hostage. They were duly impressed, and in accordance with the way I described the group, they thought of them as a combination of God, Santa Claus and G.I. Joe. I asked each child to write a letter to the Guardians of Peace, and these are a few of my favourites:

Dear Guardians of Peace:

Are you related to the Guardians of the Galaxy??

My mother took me to that movie in the summer and it was AWESOME! There was a raccoon that shot a machine gun and a tree-person! It was the best. If you haven’t seen it, you should go as soon as you can! Anyway, do you think you two could work together, and if not, perhaps you could fight against one another and it could be made into a movie? I would buy all the action figures.

S. Age 9

I have a cat named Tinker. The other day she caught a mouse! It was disgusting and cool at the same time! I felt bad for the mouse but I also felt excited! Is that what it’s like to be a terrorist? Is Tinker a terrorist?

M. Age 8

Dear Guardians of Peace:

This year I asked for a cape for Christmas but I did not get it. I was good all year long and really deserved the cape, but still, Santa forgot it. I think he’s getting old and is slipping. It’s time for him to go. You seem to be very powerful, would you consider taking over Santa’s job? If so, I would like a cape for Christmas, the game Grand Theft Auto and to be allowed to watch Game of Thrones.

W. Age 10

Dear Guardians of Peace:

Why did you say the bad things about Angelina Jolie?

She’s pretty, and all she wants to do is adopt babies and make the world a better place. My father says that you are terrorists and cowards, and that everybody in North Korea is short. I have included a drawing of a short person.

S. Age 9 ½

This is the email that I received from them:

“You feel the terror Murray? It come for you.

Your blog is no good. It is the worst and a great offense to all. You must stop your mediocre immediately or we will rain fire hell down upon you, making all your secret public. You like for that? We think not. If you post one more stupid thought piece on something you know-nothing, or write long, bad joke sketch, we drop bomb on your world! “

I am not the type to be cowed by terrorists, so the very next day I posted a dating advice column for prisoners as written by Charles Manson. It was fucking hilarious. If we don’t have humour, we have nothing. The terrorists will not take humour away!!

The response from the Guardians of Peace was swift and unequivocal. They changed the passwords of my fantasy hockey teams, thus locking me out and putting me at a VERY serious competitive disadvantage within my leagues.

I admit, that really hurt, but the next day I posted this photograph and caption, just to show them that I wasn’t cowed by their schoolyard bullying and that if it was a fight they wanted, well, it was a fight they were going to get.

Yippee ki yay mother fucker.

Their response:

“You real cracker jack. You dirty apple pie. Have you checked ugly blog today?”

This was the blog:

This is Michael Murray Stupid Blog:

Password folder: all passwords = IamExcellent#1

Banking:            $59.80

Credit:                $13.46

Investments:   $828.03            USD $0.00

Total:        CDN$901.29            USD $0.00

Excerpts from email:

From Michael Murray to Brodie Bigold: “ Really, your last name is French?!? I fucking hate the French!”

From Michael Murray to Phillippe Zeller, Ambassador to France: “We used to have a cheap ass chain department store in Canada called Zeller’s. You know what happened to them? They went out of business. You know what will happen to France? Out of fucking business.”

From Michael Murray to Jessica Simpson: “Why weren’t you included in the great celebrity nude sex photo thefts? You should have been. I mean, I wouldn’t have looked because I respect your privacy and wouldn’t want to violate you unless you were willing to be violated and stuff, but I’m just saying, you really should have been included. The Fappening just wasn’t what it should have been without you.”

Brilliant Idea Box

–Come up with game like Cards Against Humanity, make millions, see Jessica Simpson perform live.

–Make app that can tell when waitress is flirting with you

–Write think piece on what it’s like to be black in America

–Buy book on magic and then apply new knowledge to everyday life

Netflix queue:

1. The Hillz
2. Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous

3.Down Periscope

4.Wild Hogs

5. A Night at the Roxbury

6. Failure to Launch

7. Season Three of Dawson’s Creek

8. Season Four of Dawson’s Creek

9. Demolition Man

10. Spice World

Potential Tweets

I wouldn’t wait in line for anything! ( add example)

Don’t you hate poseurs! ( make more subtle)

Writing. #GoingWell

Q. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A. To live a life free of false reports about Syria, and the constant threat of US propaganda and weaponry insulting and destroying our lives!

Q. What is your greatest fear?

A. Bombs.

Q. Which living person do you most admire?

A. I admire my brothers in the Syrian Electronic Army.

Q. What is your favourite journey?

A. It is when I journey online to hack American systems. I feel like I am visiting the nation myself and that I fight for truth and freedom. Of course, I also look forward to the Haj once I am older, have more money and less threats hanging over my head, and as strange as it may sound, I would also like to see Disneyland.

Q. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

A. Physical strength. It is more important to be strong in the heart and mind. It amazes me that girls– Amira in particular– never seem to see this truth.

Q. On what occasion do you lie?

A. To protect the secrecy of the Syrian Electronic Army.

Q. Which living person do you most despise?

A. I hate Barack Obama very much, as I do Bush 1 and Bush 2, but I truly despise Harout. He is dishonest with the girls that I know, particularly sweet Amira, and he does not care about them, only himself and wrestling. He will know the wrath of the Syrian Electronic Army!

Q. What do you dislike most about your appearance?

A. I would like to be physically bigger and stronger so that I might punch Harout and win Amira from him. I would hit him in the throat so hard he would no longer be able to eat.

Q. What is your greatest regret?

A. It is personal, but it has to do with Amira.

Q. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

A. Next question, please.

Q. What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?

A. Ha! That one is as easy to hack as The Huffington Post! I am terribly messy and you can ask any of my brothers if this is the truth! Also, I do not spend enough time with my pet.

Q. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

A. It is the hypocritical bombing of a free people.

Q. What is your greatest extravagance?

A. Sneakers. I have many pairs, perhaps 20.

Q. When and where were you happiest?

A. It was on the beach at Ras Al Bassit. Amira and I laughed and played in the waves as it rained one early evening. We were dolphins.

This Tweet, which caused a dramatic drop in the stock market, is one that I am responsible for. I’m a pretty good hacker, and as I had some free time on Tuesday, I thought I would mess around and manipulate the international markets. Of course, I’ve been doing this sort of thing for a long time and have often hacked CNN’s Twitter. What follows are some of the Tweets I’ve sent out over the years under the CNN banner:

The Cable News Network @CNN

Breaking: Bigfoot corned and in shoot-out with police in Cannon Beach, Oregon.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Terror Alert: Black.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Gwyneth Paltrow has a cheat day: Allows herself one Native Spirit cigarette each Saturday.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Correction: Gwyneth Paltrow allows herself a cigarette once a week, NOT necessarily on Saturday.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Last living Inuit passes away at age 34. US to mint commemorative coin.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Officials report that 70% of Austria is now in flames after an explosion at a paint factory.

The Cable News Network @CNN

New tank built by the US Military reported to travel in excess of 225 mph.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Breaking: Two Kardashian sisters confirmed dead after opening fan letters laced with Nicin.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Correction: NOT fan letters. Investigation continues.

The Cable News Network @CNN

New Pope considering easing church restrictions on prostitution.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Now illegal in Canada and punishable for up to 5 yrs in prison if pregnant woman caught smoking.

The Cable News Network @CNN

German scientists suggest that the heart may not be responsible for pumping blood in the human body.

The Cable News Network @CNN

The IOC to cancel all Olympic events involving running. Officials say likely to be more trampoline and gun events.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Terror Alert: Very black.

Uma Thurman

June 2, 2010

9:48 pm

Uma, it’s former president George W. Bush here. I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from secret service. I’m very young for an ex-president and still very powerful, you know. I wanted to let you know that I’ve always been a big fan of your work, ever since that film with the French title. What was it called? It starred Michelle Pfeiffer and everybody was hoping she was going to take her clothes off, but instead, you peeled off your top, and Holy Smoke! I think you acted a boner out of an entire generation! But Hell, you’ve been great in every movie since, especially all those Kill Bill ones. I want you to know that even though Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I’ve become very interested in Buddhism and was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink to discuss it sometime.

Laura Bush

June 7, 2010

10:48 am

Laura, it’s me and I’m at a stupid-ass meeting in Chicago. The guy doing all the talking has a head that reminds me of a potato. I had the dream again last night.

Owl Research Institute

June 12, 2010

2:46 pm

Yeah, it’s George W. Bush here and I had a few questions for you folks about owls. I thought I saw one in my backyard yesterday. Is it true that they can turn their heads around in a complete circle? Will they eat dogs? Is it bad luck to shoot one, and if so, what prayer works best to cast one off your property?

Harold Atkins

June 12, 2010

2:52 pm

Harry, yeah, it’s W. Look, I wanted to discuss the possibility of making a trade in our fantasy baseball league. My pitching is fucked and I could really use a starter. I could maybe give you Cruz for Grienke. Cruz is hitting a ton, a guy with hair on his ass. He’s gonna knock 50 out this year.

Dr. Jeffrey Kuhlman

June 18, 2010

9:17 am

It’s George here and I’m nearly out of my stress pills. Call me.

Laura Bush

June 21, 2010

3:48 pm

It’s me. Jesus, most boring meeting ever. All I could think about during the blabberfest was that guy who’s obsessed with becoming a mermaid. Saw him on a talk show the other day and sweet Jesus, he just gives me the creeps.

Uma Thurman

June 22, 2010

12:27 am

Uma, thanks for making time for me earlier to chat about Buddhism. I did not know that there were Four Noble Truths. Something to chew on, that. I figure I’ve been looking for The Dhamma my entire life, probably why I bombed Iraq. Would love to see you again soon. Your hair looked really pretty.

Painting #1

A lot of people fantasize about being the President. They like the idea of power, of absolute power, like I had, but what people fail to think about is that when you’re President of the United States of America there are an awful lot of people that want to kill you. I did a lot of stuff when I was President, stuff that made some people mad, and I never forgot this. Wherever I was, it was always in the back of my mind. Who was trying to sneak up on me? How were they going to do it? What did they know?

These feelings don’t go away, they stay with you.

In this painting I’m naked in the shower, vulnerable yet powerful. I hear the door open in the bathroom and I don’t know if the Day of Judgment has come in the form of an assassin or if it’s Laura just wanting a little. And so, in a moment of uncertainty, suspended between the anticipation of an erotic encounter or a battle to the death with a would-be murderer, I’m looking in that little mirror there to see what’s going to happen next.

Note the muscles in my back. I keep in pretty good shape.

Painting #2

I really like hot baths. It’s good alone time for fantasizing. But still, I always think of the assassin, of when the Angel of Death is going to come and get me, but when I’m in the bathtub I like to imagine the Angel of Death being like Angelina Jolie in that movie with Brad Pitt. They’re both assassins and she’s all like a dominatrix. Very sexy stuff.

In this painting I was thinking about that. Angelina Jolie is going to assassinate me and as she sneaks up behind me she sees my naked body. She’s attracted. The stream of water coming out of the faucet between my legs reminds her of a boner. Curious, she gets in the water with me and we go at it, but you never really know if it’s violence or passion, and then after we have wicked sex, I strangle her with the little chain from the bathtub plug and then I call Secret Service.

That’s what I was thinking when I made this painting.