Dear Michael:

I think you know just how much Caleb and I love you. We think you’re one of the most unique, misunderstood people that we have ever met, which is why this is so terribly awkward and difficult for us, but we are sorry to say that we can no longer host you at our wedding on April 13th. We thought carefully about it, and after you wrote in, “ A St**k sure would be nice!” when asked if you would rather have ‘Tofu Banh Mi Sliders’ or ‘Vegan Cauliflower Tacos with Chipolte Cream’ for your meal at our fully vegan wedding, Caleb and I realized we simply could not host murderers on our sacred day. There is nothing funny about killing, and we cannot start our official life together by compromising our ethics. We simply will not do it.

1. Executive Order suspending Groupon purchases for medical procedures, including colonoscopies and all eye surgeries.
2. Executive Order creating a Task Force on toy reduction in the living room.
3. Executive Order restoring the “Rule of Law” at sleepy time. No lollipops. No ice cream. No more than 6 stories. No exceptions.
4. Executive Order protecting the household from foreign entry of sand, sticks, rocks of all kind, Play-Doh, cutlery and Spiderman lego into the bed.
5. Executive Order improving accountability and whistleblower protection at the Department of Picking Up Used Kleenex That Almost Landed In The Garbage But Did Not.
6. Executive Order prohibiting the use of Hate Speech such as “Daddy is stink face poo brain,” and, “ Daddy is stink face poo face!”
7. Executive Order consolidating withdrawal from The Chore List Accord, as it was a rotten deal for Mike who was always stuck with picking up all the toys AND doing all the dishes AND taking out the garbage, in spite of how tired his allergies make him. Hugely unfair!!
8. Executive Order creating a Comprehensive Plan for Reorganization of the front closet.
9. Executive Order establishing that I will no longer wear my “A-game shirt” with the basketball players on it beyond the house perimeter, as the un-ironic attention I receive from other women threatens my wife.
10. Executive Order imposing economic sanctions on The Red Lobster after that crappy “Admiral’s Feast,” dinner I ordered on Father’s Day.

    

Make Mike Great Again!

*****************************************

Me: No, I haven’t heard back from Nancy.

Me: Well, I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want to do it. It’s an awesome idea!

Me: She owns a cheese shop, so me setting up a grilled cheese booth in there is a no-brainer!

Me: It’s win/win, baby!

Me: Well, I thought I’d pick up one of those Instant Pot things and cook them in there.

Me: Oh.

Me: Really?

Me: The Instant Pot can’t make grilled cheese sandwiches?

Me: Why isn’t that on their advertising?

Me: Well, that sucks.

Me: Thought it could do practically everything.

Me: Yeah, I guess I did kind of imagine it like a robot.

Me: No, not like that.

Me: A benevolent robot, one that serves man, AND is capable of making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Me: Well, if it can’t make a damn sandwich, why the hell was it named Time Magazine’s Person of the year??

Me: Oh, I thought it was.

Me: The Silence Breakers were?

Me: I don’t know who they are.

Me: Oh.

Me: Yes, they are very brave women. #TimesUp

Me: I am an ally.

Me: Look, we’ve been through this before.

Me: Feminism is many things, many voices–and my collection of vintage Raquel Welch memorabilia doesn’t make me a “Bad Feminist.”

Me: It makes me an ally.

Me: No, not a creep, an ally.

Me: Well, let me tell you, I’d be delighted if she exploited me back.

Me: I really would.

Me: Oh, don’t act so innocent!

Me: You know you want to be exploited by Colin Farrell.

Me: I saw how many times you watched that Miami Vice movie, and I saw the way your eyes got all weird and intense whenever that greasy Crockett came on screen!

Me: I can’t believe you just wrote that!

Me: You’ve stopped going to your low carb support group, haven’t you?

Me: You were very high in agreeability when you were eating carbs.

Me: Now, not so much.

Me: The Rachelle Maynard I know (and love!) would never have said something like that to me if she was properly managing her carb withdrawal.

Me: Yes.

Me: Yes.

Me: I can see that now.

Me: I am sorry.

Me: I love you way more than I could ever love Raquel Welch.

Me: If I had a poster of you, I’d put it up over the fireplace. I’d wallpaper the entire apartment in you if I could!

Me: No, not like a serial killer.

Me: Like I’m your Crockett and you’re my Tubbs.

Me: We mustn’t let Trump divide us, my love.

Me: It’s what he wants.

It’s just not quality.

Melania is posing naked for a classy magazine.

I’m really happy about this because I want everybody to see what I have and they don’t, so I’m at the photo shoot making sure everything goes Trump perfect. I’m giving Melania instructions on how to pose, and as she’s doing exactly what I tell her to do, I try to Tweet a picture with the words,“Twice with this one last night!” but discover I can’t get into my Twitter account, @realDonaldTrump.

I am building a wall. It’s a great wall, a huge wall. It’s going to be the best wall ever. And then somebody, A Mexican, approaches me and tells me that there are scuff marks on some of the imported marble. A Mexican. What does a Mexican know about imported marble? Nothing. Enraged, I pummel him with the might of an angry white nation, and when I’m finished I’m covered in Mexican blood, which is just disgusting. I try to wash it off but can’t, and the more people I hire to wash it off, the thicker and stickier it seems to get.

I am in the penthouse of one of my many, many luxury apartments. I’m there to evict the deadbeat tenants by forcing them to jump off the balcony. One of them refuses. I wake up in a cold sweat.

I am waterboarding Ted Cruz’s wife because she won’t change her last name to something American.

In spite of her pain and terror and screaming and begging, and that her top was so wet it was completely see-thru, the experience was not nearly as sexually exciting as I had expected it to be. Woke up feeling empty, a sensation that trailed me all day long.

I am Captain of the Starship Enterprise.

I’ve rented out three decks as luxury condos, converted the Holodeck into a casino, crushed the Starfleet union and am running a real estate training program for my promising officers. Federation mismanagement had been costing the tax payers a fortune, but with me at the helm, the Starship Enterprise was making a fantastic profit and had never looked better. And then we’re doing a routine patrol of Quadrant 4 when a Klingon Bird of Prey suddenly materialized before us. As I was negotiating with their Captain, I noticed a stain on my uniform. Laundry had screwed up again!

In this dream I am a boy, lost and alone in the woods with no business plan.

**********************************************

Heidi no fool.

She see writing on the wall.

When furless four-legged fuckface come into pack, Heidi knew everything go to hell.

Suddenly two-leggers no longer notice Heidi.

Everything become about messy-face drool monkey.

Disgust Heidi.

No-fur pathetic excuse for a dog! No know how to bark, stupid and weak, and move like broken wing bird! Heidi destroy in fight, just destroy! Most boring, ugly dog on planet, and this new pack Alpha??? Heidi so upset not even want to eat own throw-up!!

Heidi look on her vision board.

Does Heidi see new loser dog on her vision board?

No, no she does not.

This is not part of Heidi plan!

All very stressful.

“Peace is within my reach,” Heidi say to self, “peace is within my reach,” but it do no good.

Heidi just want to kill!!

Rip open squirrel or other animal!!

Heidi want blood everywhere!!

Before two-leggers make big fuss over Heidi. Heidi so cute they going to die, everyone come running because they cannot resist Heidi cuteness. Heidi two-legger magnet with cuteness factor 10. Heidi get everything she want. Used to rub belly and call me Heidi Potter and her magic smells, but now no belly rub, and no love in voices. Like Heidi Potter and her magic smells now insult, you know? All two-leggers do is just shout, “NOHEIDINO!! BAD DOG!!!” and run to crappy, no-fur dog talking to it the way they used to talk to Heidi!

So two-faced!

Heidi hate them all!!

Heidi going to run away. Maybe find Capybaras that escape from zoo, form new pack and become celebrities.

Heidi know drummer for Burton Cummings, maybe find him and go on tour with band. Get out on road, explore world, feel the music.

RUN AWAY JOURNAL

Day One

When four-eyed two-legger opened front door, Heidi run to freedom. Heidi so fast! Black and tan lightning! All senses pulsing, Heidi so alive!! And then Heidi see squirrel. Fat squirrel. Heidi chase squirrel, “BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!” Heidi lost in moment. Two-legger then call Heidi and Heidi go back into den, forget she ran away.
Day Two

Raining. Heidi no run away.

Day Three

Cloudy. Look like might rain. Heidi no run away.

Day Four

Heidi smell meat steak. Heidi decide to stay for meat steak, but then no meat steak for dinner! Healthy Choice Pumpkin Squash Ravioli. Heidi furious!

Heidi resolve to run away redoubled!!

Day Five

Heidi escape!

Very dramatic!!

Heidi run past squirrel! Heidi very focused! Heidi run past interesting smell! Heidi run past pigeon! Then Heidi see workman eating lunch on front steps of nearby den. Heidi act very cute. Put on A-game. Heidi get some pizza. Heidi so skilled at begging it almost too easy. Heidi free, can do anything she like! Maybe start Instagram account and then get into politics. Work with Justin Trudeau.

But Heidi decide to join workman pack first. Heidi hang around. Workman bring Heidi into Ms. Ocampo’s den next door. He fixing sink. Den smell of the past and things forgotten. Sit and watch CSI repeats with Ms. Ocampo.

She calls Heidi, “ang aking maliit na anak na babae nawala,” all the time. Later, workman brings old, bad pack into new den and they act all happy to see Heidi, like best day of their lives. Heidi still mad and try not to wag tail, but still Heidi wag tail. When leave, wet-eye Ms. Ocampo waves through window, blows Heidi little kiss.

And as most of you also know, Donald Trump is an absolute master of Twitter, (@realDonaldTrump) a medium which is quickly becoming the primary means of disseminating thought and information. In case you’ve forgotten, here are some of Trump’s most penetrating, brilliant and revealing Tweets:

“If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country—I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses!”

“Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”

(That is not Robert Pattinson in the above photographs)

“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

*************************

Ever the iconoclast, Trump has decided to participate in the Presidential debate via Twitter, limiting his answers to a blunt 140 characters. These are some of the Tweets that Trump and his team have been preparing for the night:

On the Charleston shooting:

“Tragedy. National tragedy. As an olive branch from the whites, I am offering any black $100 worth of gambling chips, free, at any of my casinos on the anniversary of that church shooting.”

“Mixed race guests get $50 worth of chips, which is still a great deal.”

Gay Marriage:

“Know lots of gay people. Best decorators in the world. They’re responsible for making my hotels look so great. Terrific race.”

“A couple of them have won Celebrity Apprentice, so I’m obviously not a bigot, even though I am big time Hetero.”

“I’ve slept with a lot of beautiful women.”

Health Care:

“Obamacare is a heat-seeking missile that will rape and destroy small businesses and jobs.”

“Hillary is a socialist, she doesn’t understand business, so I’m telling her once you rape small business, there are consequences, you can’t just go and get an abortion.”

“I would set up a different, much better, more luxurious system than we have now. It would have the Trump stamp of quality.”

ISIS:

“These guys just opened a hotel, can you believe it? Not only have they declared war on America, but now they’re going to war against me.”

“If I can make billions of dollars and build quality golf courses and real estate, I can destroy ISIS.”

“Donald Trump has never lost a war.”

“ISIS, what a bunch of chumps.”
The Mexican Border:

“I’m going to build a wall to keep Mexicans in Mexico, and you know it will be a solid, quality wall because it will be made by Trump builders. ”

“You know that wall in Game of Thrones? It will put that to shame, it will put China to shame, it will be the wall to end all walls, like the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in…”

“….exciting and beautiful Atlantic City. My fantastic casino has an exotic Indian theme–7-11 Indian though, not casino Indian.”

“No Mexicans will ever get through my wall to steal American jobs and water.”

“Is Salma Hayek Mexican? Classy lady. Beautiful, unlike most Mexican women who tend to be plain–they just don’t look after themselves as a people.”

**************************************************

Heidi been really fucking cold all winter.

Really, really bad.

Heidi not have big, messy coat of fur, all ragged and knotted and ugly, but very neat, sheer coat that perfectly outline Heidi’s athletic body. Think tights, but only for all of Heidi. Very sexy.

Bad part about having crazy sexy coat of fur is it not very warm! Heidi cold all the time. Not superficial cold, like cat, but real, to the bone dog cold. Heidi shiver. Want to live in sun! Can’t stop shaking, and then squirrels think Heidi scared, but Heidi not scared, Heidi never scared! Heidi just really, horrible ice cold!!  Heidi really hate stupid squirrels. All so fat right now. No pride in appearance. Heidi never let herself go like squirrels. Squirrels just tree garbage.

Cold really ruining quality of Heidi’s life, so said, “screw it,” and went out and bought a Canada Goose parka. It red.

Make Heidi look a little fat, but Heidi as cozy as if wrapped in duvet! Best thing ever! Make Heidi happy!

Heidi out for walk the other day in new parka and see all sorts of two-leggers in line. Angry two-leggers. Holding tree bits and yelling as if everything they see was a Bad Dog!!

And then they look at Heidi and they yell at Heidi!! Why?! Why yell at Heidi!? Heidi Good Dog!! Turn out two-leggers mad because Heidi have parka that keep her warm! Say Heidi cruel and kill coyote for jacket fur!

Heidi hate coyotes! Very happy to kill coyote!! Heidi see coyote once when walking in woods and OMG it was so scary Heidi almost peed!! Heidi just froze! Only tim Heidi EVER scared! Didn’t know what to do! Real nightmare.

Coyote love to kill Dachshund! It is coyote favourite thing! And coyote gang-up, hunt in numbers so not fair! Heidi fight like a dog, one on one, but not coyote!! Coyote have no mercy, no honour, just kill, kill, kill, so Heidi not feel bad for one second for killing coyote to stay warm! So Heidi bark at two-leggers and snarl, and two-leggers flinch and suddenly smell like fear! Ha! Heidi not even have good mobility because of parka, but still they terrified! It good to be Heidi.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Finally have the night to myself to work on my novel. The window’s open, I’m drinking Jack and Coke and the KKKat is purring on my lap. #LifeIsGoodButForTheBlacksRuiningAmerica

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Kolby, a sensitive, young White Supremacist and gifted tattoo artist is the main character.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Lost vision in his left eye due to a hunting accident and wears an eye patch. Some say this is when he got “the gift.”

@KuKluxKlanUSA: He goes into a trance whenever he’s inking, and the tattoo he creates foretells the future of the person who gets it. It dooms them to their fate!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Working title: White Tattoo Prophet.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Minorities are ruining America!!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Taco Tuesday’s at Pigglys!! $2 each!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Ate 19 of ‘em. No one else even close. #WhitePride!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Stained my hood a bit, but it was worth it.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Hood is very hot, especially when engaged in competitive eating.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Will take it up at next meeting, as I know I’m not alone in this observation.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Aryan Brotherhood will do anything to KKKeep America pure!!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Not afraid to stain our hoods for the cause! #AmeriKKAForever!!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA Are you sure tacos are Mexican????

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA Thought for sure they were American.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA Really? Kind of like Mexican pizza pockets, I guess.

@KukluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA Well, shoot.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Illegal, lazy, dope dealing Mexicans trying to take over America with their sneaky and delicious food. FIGHT BACK AMERIKKKA!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Salma Hayek would make a good sex slave. #SubjugateTheirWomen!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA My cousin was a sex slave for two years. Said it wasn’t so bad.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA: Said the food was pretty good and she had cable.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA: No, I’m still single.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA: Tried a few dating sites but nothing worked. Considering Tinder.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA: “Looking for sweet girl who’s also not afraid to die for the cause!!” This is my profile pic.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: @KlansvilleVA: Yeah, thanks bud, I’m sure it’ll work out, too!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: The White Brotherhood will never die!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: I really do hate the black race, but I have to say, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson is one impressive man.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Kind of wish he was white and had an incoherent rage against all minorities. That would be cool.

@KuKluxKlanUSA: I mean, if he just applied his intellect to hate and violence instead of astrophysics, he could really make something of himself, you know?

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Also wish Will Smith was white! What an actor!!

@KuKluxKlanUSA: And Denzel. Denzel rules. (That stare. OMG!)

@KuKluxKlanUSA: Babe (White!) of the week:

@KuKluxKlanUSA: KKKristmas is coming up soon! Don’t forget to pick up your Ladies of the KKK Kalendar! All proceeds go to hate.

Here is a quote from his column in the Sun newspaper, “… if some old bigot from a backwoods village in Pakistan or Somalia doesn’t want to respect Canada, that’s where our schools come in and teach those bigots’ kids and grandkids what it means to be Canadian.”

I will now provide you with a collection of holiday messages (quotes from columns) from Ezra Levant over the course of the last year:

Christmas Day: “ Look, I get that Muslims and atheists and homosexuals might not have it in them to honour the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made on the cross for THEIR sins, but the least they could do is get into the spirit, buy a few things and keep this damn economy growing! You’re in this country now!”

New Year’s Day: “ The First Nations People never had any sense of time. They didn’t have a calendar! Everything was just “now” with them. Have you ever tried to have a meeting with one of them? It’s next to impossible, they just don’t “get” time, so why on earth should they get this holiday?”

Family Day: “ Gay couples cannot biologically create families. End of story. This is not a holiday for them. They and their rainbow tattoos are not wanted, and for the record, I have never had gay sex, never even been curious, not even when I was alone in that bus station in Minnesota and it was just me and that Mormon missionary and the light above us, swaying slightly in the summer breeze, kept flickering, as if a suggestion.”

St. Patrick’s Day: “The Irish are awesome. Nobody can drink like them, not even the Russians, and especially not the Indians. If there was a drinking Olympics, and there should be, the Irish would win every year. They deserve three holidays. I had an Irish girlfriend in University, Shelagh, and she was a wild one, if you know what I mean.”

(Shelagh looked like a combination of these two)

Easter: “ And now the Vegans and Vegetarians want to take away our Easter eggs. They can suck my dick.”

Canada Day: “ Canada is a truly beautiful country. Have you ever seen a good-looking Muslim woman? I have not. That religion is not producing any Kim Kardashians, that’s for sure, and if they are, they must hide them up in the hills with all the other terrorists.”

Labour Day: “It’s a statistical fact, black people rarely work and they shouldn’t get any of the benefits of the holiday until they get their numbers up. We’ve been carrying them long enough!”

Thanksgiving: “The Feminazis would have you believe in something they call “White Male Privilege.” Well, it was white males who built this country and provided the sperm that made your families, so I want to say that I am thankful for them and if they have a little bit of privilege, it’s because they earned it!”

R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!

R: No fights.

R: There are never any fights.

R: Well, thank you, I guess.

R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.

R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.

R: Very romantic.

R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!

R: Well done, Pickle!

R: Yes, your charm is considerable.

R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.

R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?

R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??

R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!

R: I’m not being sarcastic.

R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.

R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.

R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.

R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.

R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!

R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?

R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.

R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.

R: WHAT????

R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!

R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!

R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!

R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!

R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.

R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!

R: How does he look?

R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?

R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?

R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.

R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.

R: Please, promise me that.

R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.

R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.

R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.

R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.