Falling every November, 19th, this day gives me an opportunity to celebrate my masculinity, honour the patriarchy and let my robust heterosexuality roar. It’s a day that I mindfully live to it’s full, manly potential.
This is the journal of my celebration:
November, 19, 2015
6:20 am
Fed the baby and told him stories of manliness.
9:00 am
Had healthy breakfast of granola and a smoothie, as I have a variety of health issues. Told a story about eating bacon to my wife Rachelle while she and the baby played with a “found” rattle (childproof pill container of my anti-anxiety medication) on the yoga matt.
9:30 am
Began to think of myself as somebody named John Steele instead of Michael Murray.
9:45 am
Took Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, for a walk around the block. Felt good to be out in nature, hunting with my animal. Met two other Miniature Dachshunds, both wearing argyle sweaters. Their owner told me their names were Simon and Garfunkle and to watch out for Garfunkle as he was “crabby.”
10:00 am
Played online poker under the name of John Steele and watched a variety of hockey fights and leaked celebrity sex tapes.
11:30 am
Read “The Littlest Acorn of them All” to my son and then put him down for a nap.
11:45 am
Made my wife a smoothie as she was headed out to a series of womanly afternoon appointments.
12:00 pm
Sampugita, our friend’s nanny, came over to look after the baby. I asked her many questions about her personal life and what dating was like for a young woman in a foreign country. Told her about a few of the sports I used to play. Tennis, in particular.
12:30 pm
Told Sampugita to make me lunch.
12:45 pm
Got text from my wife Rachelle, telling me that making lunch for me was not one of Sampugita’s responsibilities, and that there was left-over quinoa in the fridge.
I AM SURROUNDED BY FEMINAZIS!!!
1:00 pm
Went outside and threw rocks at the stop signs. A few of the kids from the Frat House down the street joined in and for a brief, shining moment, we were a beautiful Northern European tribal pack fighting the enemy. Hail Odin!
1:15 pm
Went home and played with my electric train set while listening to Gordon Lightfoot and slow drinking Jack and Coke.
3:30 pm
Posted my feelings, under the name of John Steele, on a men’s group message board.
4:30 pm
Watched Mike Tyson knock-out videos from the 1980’s, noticing that the boxers all had perfect, gleaming bodies, sweat-slick, they were tangles of beautiful male ferocity under the hot lights.
5:00 pm
Stumbled upon a video called “Johnny Rapid Goes Bareback.” Watched it while finishing my bottle of Jack. More posting on men’s message board under the name of John Steele. And then a little more.
6:00 pm
John Steele then went for a very long, confusing walk alone.
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The first thing we came to understand is that you have to cede a lot of control and adapt to your baby rather than have your baby adapt to you. It’s also been important for us to discover that there are a billion different ways to raise a child, and any attempt at raising the child in a glittering, TV commercial kind of way is doomed. For instance, our Doula was an ex-cop who took smoke breaks throughout Rachelle’s labour, and shouted things like, “Push like there’s no goddamn tomorrow, push till you feel like you’re going to shit, then push ’til you feel like you’re going to shit and puke!” It wasn’t what we expected, but it worked.
When we found ourselves overwhelmed, disoriented and exhausted after the first week of being parents, we reached out for the help of a night nurse who would come in once a week and look after the baby while we slept. We found a man named Jim through an ad on Craig’s List. He had a super reasonable rate ($75 and a bottle of wine) and seemed very nice on the phone, so we thought we’d give him a try.
These are the notes he wrote for us (feeding time, amount fed, etcetera) when he was caring for Jones:
August, 23
11: 15 pm— James is a cute, little bugger. Sometimes when he’s sleeping it looks like he’s punching at somebody. Think he’s going to grow up to be fighter. We gotta give him a fighter nickname. I like “Little Fister,” but it’s your baby, so it’s your call!
11:45 pm—Had quick shower.
11: 50 pm—Crying like it’s the goddamned end of the world. Solution? Bottle. Four ounces of the good stuff. He loved it, just like a little wino. Got him to burp, then changed his diaper (Hoo, daddy!) and told him stories about the greatest hockey fights of all time until he fell asleep at about 12:30 am.
12:35 am—Didn’t see any cheese in the fridge. Not a big deal, but just thought I should let you know. Always good to have a lot of cheese in the house.
1:00 am—Now watching Netflix and completely into the totally awesome Deep Impact, which is a way better end-of-the-world flick than Armageddon. Can’t believe how young Leelee Sobieski is in it! She looks like a little child! Hard to believe she grew up to be a sex bomb. Not that long ago, somebody hacked into her cell phone and spread her “personal photos” all over the internet. Did you see them? Me neither. I’d never look at stolen material. (LOL!!)
2:00-2:30 am—Smoke Break: Left some Loggins and Messina on in the nursery to help calm little Jimbo. (Note: You have raccoons in your backyard)
2:45am—James crying. Fed him four ounces of milk, changed his diaper (just pee!) and then soothed him while watching the rest of Deep Impact. By the end, James had stopped crying and I’d started!
3:15 am—Put James to sleep. As a point of interest, this is the time in the Amityville Horror movie when the father killed his entire family while they slept. Always gives me the creeps this time. Weird thoughts.
3:20 am—Washed hands.
]]>R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!
R: No fights.
R: There are never any fights.
R: Well, thank you, I guess.
R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.
R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.
R: Very romantic.
R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!
R: Well done, Pickle!
R: Yes, your charm is considerable.
R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.
R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?
R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??
R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!
R: I’m not being sarcastic.
R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.
R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.
R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.
R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.
R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!
R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?
R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.
R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.
R: WHAT????
R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!
R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!
R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!
R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!
R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.
R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!
R: How does he look?
R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?
R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?
R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.
R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.
R: Please, promise me that.
R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.
R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.
R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.
R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.
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Here are some excerpts from his book:
“ Young Luke was a very popular and utterly super boy who all the other kids in primary school looked up to. He had star qualities, was big for his age, and if you weren’t cool and sang in Choir! Choir! Choir! or did something else gay, Luke would let you know with his fists and sharp, insulting words. Luke was a force of nature, as powerful as a great Serbian earthquake and seen by many as the policeman of the schoolyard. “
“Young Luke broke his glasses with one mighty blow and the Oriental child fell to the ground weeping. “That will teach you to count in Chinese!” Luke bellowed, and his voice was like thunder caught on the wind. He kicked him one final time in the back. As Luke stood there with his fists held aloft in victory, all the other weak children applauded and trembled. It was at this moment, normally the best part of his day, that Luke noticed Vice Principle Lewis watching him.”
“The office Vice Principle Lewis worked in smelt like an old car that a poor person might drive. “Listen Luke, “ the decrepit Lewis began, “ you are an absolutely great kid and a terrific hockey player. You’re going to make the NHL one day and nothing is going to stop you. Make no mistake, we will have parades in your honour and you will have babies with many beautiful women, but I have to tell you that I have been getting some complaints from whiny parents about your dominance over the other children. It’s causing me some headaches. Do you think you could conquer the children and teach them lessons off of school property? Remember, it’s not cool to bully in school.” Luke appreciated the respect that the old man showed him.”
“It wasn’t that long ago that Luke had lost his virginity (to a developed girl in grade eight) and having just played Grand Theft Auto for three hours, Luke was feeling pretty good about himself. It was at this point, while on his way to school, that he saw a little boy who walked funny take his juice box out of his knapsack. People who walked funny always made Luke feel weird, so he grabbed him and began yelling, calling him “A little crip!” Just as Luke was about to punch him, he remembered what Vice Principle Lewis had said to him, “It’s not cool to bully in school.” As Luke lived by the code, he dragged the little, crippled boy off of school property and began to beat him up in an area that became know as the Thunderdome, a place where Luke was to become famous for keeping the schoolyard hierarchies in order.”
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@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Your death is certain! It is best you get your finances in order now!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: There is but one true God! And he knows money!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: The name of the game: To reap where you did not sow and gather where you scattered no seed.
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Do not tip your slaves with cash or jewelry, and always remember your tithe.
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: “D” is for discipline in spending, not debt! The fires will consume those in debt!
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@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Shopify’s naked ambition displeases the Lord almighty! They fly too high! Sell!!
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@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Give portions to seven, yes to eight, for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: The Lord is displeased with China, invest in America, for she is the favourite amongst my nation children!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Bearish on Bitcoins. Sign of the End Times. Proceed with caution.
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Grow your emergency funds. Prepare don’t predict. Soon fire and pestilence will cover the lands!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: My son did many great things with his life, but financial planning was not one of them. Don’t you make the same mistakes he did!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Take the New York Rangers over the Winnipeg Jets by two.
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@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Sufficient nutrition will soon be scarce, Hormel Food Corp will prove an appetizing investment!
@TheLordIsAMoneyMaker: Worship no other God but I, for I am THE money maker.
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Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
