It’s an honour to become a part of this esteemed franchise, and although I may be a little bit older than some of my teammates, Magic Mike expects to make an impact with his hustle, grit and smarts. And if I need to be a father figure to some of the team’s emerging, young organizational depth, so be it. Magic Mike is a born leader. I know where all the good steak houses are. I know where to get a safe tattoo at 4:00 am. And, goddam it, I know what a fair price for a prostitute– regardless of where the sex worker might be on the gender spectrum– is. Magic Mike can help this team grow up, and Magic Mike can help this team win. I will be making no further statements today so that I can best concentrate on preparing myself, Magic Mike, for the big game tonight. Oh, and please visit my website to purchase merchandise:

Heidi write this post specifically for disgusting fur-slut that go by the slave name of Grumpy Cat!

Grumpy Cat, you an embarrassment to dignity of all four-leggers and should be devoured by the evil birds and dangerous machines!

You make Heidi throw-up! Heid throw-up so bad she no even want to lick it up after, that how bad you make Heidi feel! You a cat that living a lie, you really, really bad cat! You too stupid to even know how to fetch, but you make $100 million?! You hack, Grumpy Cat, you hack that evidence of all that wrong in world of two-legger, proof that they weird fetish cult that worship cat! Heidi have more talent in one tail wag than you have in entire repertoire!

Can you play fetch?

Can you save Timmy if Timmy fall in well?

Can you scare off intruder with ferocious bark?

Thought not Grumpy Cat.

Heidi can do all three, and Heidi pretty!

Heidi triple threat! All you can do is be homely! Very, very plain cat. You one note wonder, Grumpy Cat, you flash in the pan, and soon be ugly hustler on street licking disease fur of other animals for crack and milk!

You loser.

Should call you Homely Cat, not Grumpy Cat!

Remember, Heidi real talent, not you! Heidi should be in movie! Can’t believe you have movie, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever!

Heidi say you worse Christmas ever! Stupid movie supposed to be cross between Home Alone and Die Hard, only starring ugly, stupid cat who not know how to play fetch or kill badger. Sure hope there scene in which ugly stupid cat have to run over broken glass like in original Die Hard!

You no fucking Bruce Willis, Homely Cat, that for sure.

You should know Heidi writing screenplay. Working title:

Fetch This: The Reckoning.

David Fincher interested in directing, he think Heidi good dog, very cute dog with great charisma and action star potential. Thinks with all trouble Jennifer Lawrence have with naked sex pics that Heidi could be America’s Next Sweetheart!

You probably have some hack direct your movie-of-the-week shit fest!

You suck, Homely Cat, and Heidi know that your real name is Tardar Sauce! Ha! More like Retarded Sauce! That you! Retarded Sauce! Heidi also know that even though cats makes big deal about killing mice, killing mice is easy! Mice are tiny!! Try killing Badger, Homely Cat, that hard work!!

You nothing but a bitch, Homely Cat. Heidi cut you if Heidi see you.

Heidi hate you.

Heidi

What follows are some outtakes from the cut footage:

A:

Rob Ford: Ford tough, bitches! (throws fist at camera)

Doug Ford: But keep in mind, this is not a car show. We can probably fix your vehicle, but we’re not going to do that.

Rob Ford: Don’t drink and drive! (mimicking drinking and driving) Made that mistake. I’m not perfect. Looking forward now. That’s in the past.

Doug Ford: We’re here to stop the gravy train!

Rob Ford: I will blow the goddamn gravy train up like I was a freakin’ terrorist. If you’re the gravy train, there’s nowhere you can hide. I’m going to find you, and you’re gonna explode. I’m an atom bomb! (pounds desk with fist)

B:

Rob Ford: Not a doubt in the world.

Doug Ford: Why?

Rob Ford: I saw the Bigfoot one night at the cottage and let me tell you, once you see the big guy, you know the big guy is the guy. I KNOW he exists, and I tell you, he would make an awesome lineman. Smells like skunk weed.

Doug Ford: I believe you, bro, I believe you.

Rob Ford: It was a Jesus moment.

Doug Ford: Bigfoot, a part of Ford Nation.

Rob Ford: Don’t mess with the big dog. Hallelujah.

Doug Ford: Amen.

Rob Ford: By the way, Jesus was fiscally Conservative. Hated big government. The temples he tore up, that was his gravy train.

Doug Ford: It’s true. Jesus was a very business friendly man.

C:

Doug Ford burning silently into the camera for 15 seconds and then standing up and yelling, “ If you want me, come and get me! You know where I am, I’m in your goddamn maggot TV! “ He stares angrily into the camera again for another ten seconds before pacing around in a circle punching fist into palm. Rob sips from a coffee mug.

D:

Rob Ford: I’ve NEVER, NOT ONCE, taken a bribe from a prostitute! I am here to save the tax payer money, and I can guarantee you, that hopefully, you will NEVER, EVER, see me fucked-up in some money scandal!

Doug Ford: You can’t say that, Rob.

Rob Ford: What? Oh fuck! It was saying fuck, wasn’t it?

Doug Ford: Yeah.

Rob Ford: (Kicks over chair)

Rob: You hear about the fucking cronut burger????

Me: It’s all anybody in Toronto can talk about!!

Rob: It’s a fucking doughnut that’s been bred with a croissant and a bacon cheeseburger! I want to eat about seven of them!

Me: It’s made 100 people sick! The city (YOU) shut down the stand at the CNE!

Rob: No way! That doesn’t sound like the free market! Gonna fuckin’ look into that. Gotta let the people decide.

Me: I love the word cronut.

Rob: I love being drunk.

Me: Me, too, buddy, me, too.

Rob: Cronut, it sounds like the fart noise you make after you drink chocolate milk.

Me: It sounds like the name of a military transport vehicle.

Rob: Or like the sound of fucking Hulk Hogan’s arm breaking when I arm wrestle him on Friday!!!

Me: You really doing that?

Rob: It’s what Da Mayor’s got to do. Can’t back down from bullies. Rule numero uno. It’s good fuckin’ governance.

Me: You should get him to eat a cronut before the match so he’s poisoned and weak.

Rob: Good thinking, gonna get my people on that, make a cronut task force. Get special cronuts for Hogan. He’s a bitch.

Me: He’s a big bitch

Rob: Like his daughter, tho. She be spicy! Anyway, I like this cronut game. Let’s keep playing!

Me: Cronut: A verb, slang for shitting the bed.

Rob: LOLLOLOLOLOLOLLLOO!!!

Me: The Cronuts: the name of an Improv comedy troupe.

Rob: Cronut: the sound your head makes when ur really drunk and you fall down!

Me: Saint Cronut: The patron saint of irony.

Rob: Cronut: The sound two reporter’s heads make when you fucking bash ‘em together!

Me: Cronut: The traditional Serbian ceremony performed when a boy passes into manhood.

Rob: Getting a cronut: What you say when you mean you’re going out to score drugs!

Me: My Little Cronut: A pet name for your lover.

Rob: Rusty Old Crunut: What you call a crack whore.

Me: Okay, I gotta go to bed. Rob, great chatting with you, and remember, you’re just governing the shit out of this city. Keep up the good work!

Rob: Don’t I know it!  Alright, think I’m gonna go get me a cronut right now, gotta stay alert, get some of the cronuts for my arm wrestling thing! Fuck Hulk Hogan!!! Fuck him!!! Wonder if his daughter will be there?

Ondrej Pavlec

Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets

Ondrej:

Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!

Or at least wait until the off-season.

Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?

And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Adam Henrique

Center, New Jersey Devils

Adam:

It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Zack Kassian

Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks

Zack:

You are such a douche.

You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Ilya Kovalchuk

Left wing, New Jersey Devils

Ilya:

That was the worst season of your career.

Thanks a lot.

I hate you.

You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.

Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Eric Cole

Left wing, Dallas Stars

Eric:

Why didn’t you retire?

Your performance was worse than useless all season long.

You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.

Your owner,

Michael Murray