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Me: That’s not true.
Me: I hate Donald Trump.
Me: Yes, I do.
Me: I really do.
Me: What on earth makes you think I don’t?
Me: The way I’ve been shaking hands?
Me: Look, I’ve always had a strong, Presidential handshake. It’s one of the things that attracted you to me, you know that!
Me: Oh C’mon, Justin Trudeau didn’t beat him! The media, so many lies! So unfair!!
Me: Trudeau was just trying so hard to be macho. Sad.
Me: Fake. Not true
Me: I am not talking like Trump now.
Me: Trudeau’s a bad hombre.
Me: Bigly.
Me: You see the way he was ogling Ivanka?
Me: Disgusting.
Me: An embarrassment to Canada.
Me: No, you’re an embarrassment to Canada.
Me: You are, too.
Me: Hell, I don’t even think you root for Canada during the Olympics.
Me: You’re not a patriot.
Me: You’re not helping to Make Mike Great Again.
Me: You’re a disruptive technology.
Me: Sorry????
Me: My Google Autofill?
Me: That’s a sacred precinct!
Me: You shouldn’t be poking around in there!!
Me: Well, I really don’t know why “Trump Anime Sex Fantasies” showed up there.
Me: Probably some keys Jones hit by accident.
Me: That little nugget gets into everything!
Me: What?
Me: He did what?
Me: Fuck!
Me: That was a gift from my sister.
Me. Sentimental value. Huge sentimental value.
Me: Don’t have a clue where I’m going to find another The Apprentice: The Board Game.
Me: Jesus. I feel sad.
Me: That was a fun game.
Me: Better than fucking Catan.
Me: Who wants to buy goddamn wheat?
Me: Really, you think you can make an night of it with friends “buying wheat?”
Me: Please.
Me: My attitude is fine.
Me: Anyway, we’ll see how he feels when I destroy his dog toy.
Me: I swear to God, that dog is evil.
Me: It is, too. The tail wags for no reason.
Me: No!! There was no battery in it!
Me: Really!
Me: It was creeping me out so much I removed all the batteries, but it still barked and tilted its head!
Me: Oh.
Me: I just thought there was the one spot for batteries.
Me: Who ever heard of two spots for batteries?!
Me: That’s insane!
Me: Whatever.
Me: Still think it’s possessed.
Me: Gonna murder us all in our sleep.
Me: I am going to build a wall around that dog and make Jones pay for it.
Me: No, watching Poltergeist hasn’t poisoned me against a toy dog!
Me: Well, maybe.
Me: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Me: I had forgotten how scary that movie is.
Me: Netflix should be more careful with the types of movies they broadcast.
Me: Yes, I was.
Me: Have you ever watched Poltergeist stoned?
Me: Fucking terrifying.
An alert on The Weather Network page for Moncton, New Brunswick issued in the morning:
Dangerous Person
Issued at 9:32 AM Thursday 5 June 2014
Importance
HIGH
Recommended Action
The RCMP have advised residents to stay inside their homes and to lock their doors.
Description
A number of RCMP officers have been shot in Moncton. A manhunt is currently underway for a suspect.
A Tweet sent by the RCMP just after midnight:
RCMPNBJun 06, 12:30am via TweetDeck
Justin Bourque arrested by RCMP at 12:10 in Moncton. He is in police custody. Residents of north Moncton can now leave their homes.
A First Hand Account of the Moncton lockdown:
“Janelle and I took the kids down to the basement and told them we were going to have a Super Fun Adventure Day and that there would be no school. We played games, watched their favourite movies, had a little dance party and made forts out of blankest and chairs.
The kids had no idea what was going on, but all Janelle and I could think of was Justin Bourque, this insane killer loose in our neighbourhood. The whole thing, it was just like from a horror film. Do you think the two are connected? That sick people imitate horror movies or that there are two parallel streams, both running with the same polluted water? I have no idea, and the truth is that I couldn’t think straight all day. I was just a tangle of horrible, frenzied nerves, imagining every possible scenario. I was so glad that the hospitals had canceled their elective surgeries and that I didn’t have to go into work, because I really needed to be with my family, that need just pulled me from the inside, you know? Lord, everything was closed, schools and colleges, public transit, shopping malls, government offices, even the zoo, anywhere large groups of people might have been. It’s just awful, to have to think like a killer, just horrible.…Eventually the kids, oblivious, exhausted and actually happy, fell asleep, but Janelle and I could not. We drank wine and held one another for an hour or two and then I checked my phone and saw that the RCMP had sent out a text saying that they’d caught him and all I wanted to do was go outside, and so we did, all four of us. I had been hoping for stars in the sky, again like a movie, but this one with a happy ending, but it was raining lightly, and even though it was late the Benoit family were also standing outside their front door, and when they saw us they smiled and waved, and that’s when I just burst into tears.”
–Amanda Cunningham
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You’re malevolent, like the sort of thing a Super Villain might keep in his utility belt.
When I bought you I thought of the aroma of pumpkin pie, I thought of the gentle touch of a mother, a soft and restorative healing force, but what I received was more like a radioactive explosion. What the fuck are you?!!
You gave me a THIRD degree burn!
That’s the Grizzly Bear of burns! Doctors and nurses were peeling back the bandage and looking at it like it was Two Girls One Cup! And these were medical professionals!
You FUCKER!
Your stupid blue, felt cover, which instantly pills– as if it was some fucking Blow Fish– 
just falls off like so much flesh from a THIRD DEGREE burn! It’s useless, nothing more than a deception! You would need to be encased in a one-foot thick case of lead—like a coffin—to protect your victims from your deadly Superheat Technology! What, were you some crazy experiment that the Soviets abandoned because it was too dangerous? I am thinking that you were, you bitch.
And listen Death Pad, I was using you exactly as you were designed and as I was instructed to use you. Was it my fault that I fell asleep while watching that excruciatingly boring movie about whales and that your Deception Cover vanished? No, it was not my fault! It was my misfortune! And then vulnerable while asleep, you heat raped me. You burned a fucking hole in my side! I thought I was having a nightmare about global warming, but no, when I was living a nightmare starring you, the evil kill pad!
My therapist tells me a have an abundance of displaced anger and that it’s up to me how I use it. I choose to use it to kill Super Villains.
I am coming after you, you cocksucker, and I am going to set you on goddamn fire. You will also have to pay me forty million dollars or something, because this fucking burn is disgusting and it kills. In fact, the pain is so great that I am now completely addicted to Percocet, which is the only reason this entire letter isn’t written in capitals.
Watch your back, motherfucker.
Michael Murray
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