A true family leader.

As such, I often find it necessary to call family meetings so that my wife Rachelle, and our nearly three year-old son, Jones, can discuss important issues as they arise. These are the minutes from a recent meeting:

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Michael: Okay, Meeting #36 is now in order. On Friday we’ve been invited to Claire’s for dinner. However, it’s not a simple matter. There are options, so please listen carefully. We can go in the afternoon, with Jones, and have a swim then an early dinner, getting back in time for Jones’ bedtime, or we can go over later, without Jones, and have an adult meal. Concerns? Preferences? Please speak freely, this is a safe space.

Rachelle: Do you know where the corkscrew is?

Michael: Since when did we start buying wine that needed a corkscrew?

Jones: I WANT TO WATCH THE SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: Jones, we are having a family meeting right now. You can watch a video later.

Jones: NO!!!

Rachelle: Found it! It was in your desk drawer. Amidst several corks.

Michael: Well, that’s odd.

Rachelle: Not if you’re a secret drinker, it’s not.

Michael: That’s a pretty big glass you’re pouring yourself.

Jones: SCARY SKULLS!! SCARY SKULLS! SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: No Jones! We’re having a meeting here, and there will be no videos until we’ve come to a decision about dinner on Friday! Also, you get stigmata from watching too many videos. It’s very bad for your eyes, and you want to be able to see everything, just like the Falcon that soars in the sky above, right?

Jones: WANT TO SEE SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: Sweet Jesus child, okay, okay, okay.

Rachelle: The optometrist said that by feeding him an excessive diet of videos in order to avoid responsible parenting and gain his approval you were putting him at risk for astigmatism, not stigmata. Stigmata is the spontaneous manifestation of marks on the body that correspond to Jesus’ crucifixion wounds,

while astigmatism is an eye problem.

Michael: Are you sure?

Rachelle: Yes.

Michael: Patricia Arquette. She was in a movie called Stigmata, wasn’t she? Now I remember! She was a hot hair dresser in that one.

Rachelle: Yes.

Michael: Remember the bath scene? She was having a bath and then some invisible demon seizes her and she’s trashing about like mad, kicking and flailing her arms, yet somehow, somehow you still don’t see anything? So unrealistic.

Rachelle: Yes, I thought the exact same thing. Stigmata, a movie about a sex bomb with demonic possession, was unrealistic because you never got to see the lead actress entirely naked.

Michael: Okay, let’s get back on track here. We have to figure out how we’re going to approach Friday.

Jones: Can I have strawberries, mommy? I want strawberries.

Rachelle: After dinner, sweetie.

Michael: What is for dinner anyway?

Rachelle: It was your turn to get it.

Michael: Oh. Right. Yeah, I was going to make a special rice and carrot thing in the Instant Pot.

Rachelle: We will all look forward to it, and by the way, I spoke with Claire and we’re going to go over around three, have a swim and a light snack, and then return home in time for Jones’ bedtime at 7:30.

Michael: Oh.

Michael: All in favour?

Michael: Okay, motion passes.

Michael: I think I read somewhere that the Instant Pot was dangerous, like a bomb, so maybe we can have Swiss Chalet instead. They’re offering crispy chicken as a featured item now. The Family Pak comes with pickles and dinner rolls. It’s a pretty solid deal.

As many of you know, I grew up in the same part of Ottawa as Canadian Prime Minister and Rolling Stone Cover Boy, Justin Trudeau.

Although I was a few years older, our paths still crossed many times, and even if we’re far from good friends, we have an amicable, nodding relationship that has well positioned me to assist him and the Liberal party in the creation of a series of Justin Trudeau romance novellas.

What follows are excerpts from some of the books:

****************************************************

Book Title: Never The Same Way Twice

His fame and internationally renowned good-looks made it hard for Justin to live the simple life he so often craved. Sure, he got a lot of satisfaction from being the most influential man on the planet, photobombing wedding shots and ministering to refugees, but what he really missed was just rocking out at concerts like an average Canadian, an average Canadian who was lucky to live in the second best country in the world, according to U.S. News & World Report.

But tonight, tonight Justin was going to let the world save itself.

Disguised as a relatively plain Canadian– but for his fantastically lithe and toned body– Justin was going to let loose at the big Blue Rodeo concert.

It had been a long time since he’d rock n’ rolled.

It’s funny how two lives might entwine, and little did Blue Rodeo super fan Brenna Macdonald know, as she took the number 95 OC Transpo bus in from Orleans to catch the show, that her life was about to be forever altered.

Book Title: A Song Of Ice And Fire And Good Governance

Sansa’s heart was racing, galloping so hard that she was sure he must hear it. He took her chin in his hands, his hands made so strong by all the beautiful planks he regularly executed, and raised her lips toward his. At that moment he ceased to be Justin Trudeau, the widower Prime Minister of Canada, the lost Parliamentary Democracy of Westeros and only hope in the battle against the White Walkers, the White Walkers who had taken his bride, and he became something else. He became a vessel of passion.

“Je veux faire un amour doux mais ferme envers vous, ma reine,” he said to her in his mystical language, as he pulled her to him.

She could feel his manhood pressing against her, his lips now so passionately, so respectfully, on hers, and her release was so great that Sansa felt as if she was marble melting under the light.

Book Title: For Love Of Country

It was the best Pride parade that Toronto had ever seen, and the joy of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as he marched the streets– his white shirt soaking wet and clinging to his smooth body from all the water gun fights– was infectious. Sal, like everybody else, could not stop smiling as he watched from the crowded sidewalk. And then, as if a divine hand had ordained it, Justin’s eyes locked with his. The free-spirited and inclusive leader of a great nation beckoned for Sal to join him on the street, and immediately security parted the sea of people to make way for him. Sal, in a wheelchair and impotent since the mortar explosion in Kandahar, rolled out to him. The Prime Minister asked for permission, and then playfully sat on his lap and put his arm around him as they proceeded down Church Street and into a future neither one of them could have imagined.

Heidi big star.

Known all over world.

Not just because Heidi so cute she make your teeth hurt, or because Heidi so fast you think, “BLACK AND TAN LIGHTING JUST FLASH FROM SKY!!,” also because Heidi such a great writer it make you want to give up and cry. Maybe try hard drug and then later when feel empty after rehab, start to cut yourself just to see if still feel.

Heidi can be very damaging for self-esteem of others.

Heidi not bragging, just telling it like it is.

So Heidi get huge amount of fan mail. So many requests. So many dirty pitchers of dog penises! It all crazy!

Recently Heidi receive request from the Ilford Animal Cemetery in England.

Animals who fought and died for pathetic two-leggers, buried there. Coward two-leggers disgust Heidi! Enslave animals to fight for them! Make Heidi sick. Many stories of brave animals who die for stupid two-leggers lost, and now two-leggers want Heidi to write about hero animals who received medal for bravery.

Even though Heidi hate two-leggers Heidi say yes because of money. 

You don’t want to know how much Heidi get paid for this gig.

So much money and treat you wouldn’t believe. 

Beauty, Rescue Dog No. 3477/9277:

Beauty was a Bedlington Terrier, so name not true. Wire-haired Terrier dog ugly.

Very ugly. So ugly make Heidi barf, and not the sort of barf you want lick up. So Beauty probably shunned by other dogs. Possible Beauty depressed, had no choice but to work suicide job for coward two-leggers. Beauty rescued 63 animal from rubble, including some cats, so know Beauty not right in head, but still, in end, Beauty good dog, in spite of bad looks!

Peter, Rescue Dog No. 2664/9288:

Peter a beautiful Border Collie. Very hot. Heidi would have liked to have met Peter in bushes on dangerous escape. Would have made passionate, urgent love! Maybe in different life Peter be Baby Daddy for Heidi. Peter titan amongst dog, might have saved up to one million lives. Peter not very, very good dog, Peter very, very great dog! Peter hate Hitler.

Tyke, Carrier Pigeon 1263 MEPS 43

Two-legger steel death birds that drop fire always carry real bird with them.

When two-legger fake bird crash, real bird flies off with message that say where flightless, useless crew is. This make bird hero? All bird do is fly. It what bird do. If Heidi dig hole, does Heidi get medal? NO! Heidi told, BAD DOG, and then get sprayed with hose!! For sure something bad happen to Heidi. No make sense. Anyway, if Heidi carry message to Tyke it would say, “Guess can’t expect much from bird, but Tyke, you gave world as much as you could, so rest in peace, little brother!”

Me: Kind of scared.

Me: Kind of very scared.

Me: What if there’s a rope?

Me: I can just imagine it hanging from the ceiling.

Me: Swaying ominously.

Me: They’ll force me to climb up it.

Me: There might be a rope!!

Me: I’m not overreacting.

Me: Look, I know it’s not grade 4 gym class.

Me: No, I’m not expecting dodge ball.

Me: It would be nice if you were supportive rather than sarcastic.

Me: I don’t have dodge ball nightmares.

Me: Not anymore.

Me: Fartmares.

Me: Very funny.

Me: No, I’m not going to ask them if they can do anything about my “gas problem.”

Me: Because there is no gas problem.

Me: My trainer?

Me: Her name is Laetitia.

Me: She’s French, France French.

Me: She thinks I’m really funny.

Me: No, funny ha-ha.

Me: Cute accent.

Me: She really loves the anchor tattoo on my hand. It reminds her of Marseille.

Me: I know it was a commitment tattoo I got with you, but I can’t help it if other women find it attractive.

Me: My hands don’t look old.

Me: I’d say they look like they belong on a 25 year-old man.

Me: She’s going to test my grip.

Me: No, not my grip on reality.

Me: Man alive!

Me: My right hand has like a GI Joe Super Kung Fu grip!!

Me: Laetitia is really impressed! Gave me a hug!!

Me: Oh, you know the French.

Me: They’re like that.

Me: Yes, whorish.

Me: Such beguiling giggles, too.

Me: Are you going to your girl’s night out Salsa Dance Slut thing again tonight?

Me: Your sisters are a very bad influence on you.

Me: Alejandro.

Me: No, I don’t want him coming to my birthday party.

Me: I just don’t.

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Me: I don’t care if the therapist said I have to communicate more.

Me: All right.

Me: I communicate that I hate Alejandro.

Me: Well, didn’t he poke somebody in the back with his boner while dancing????

Me: I can’t do this now, I have to prepare for my next test.

Me: Mentally. I have to get in the zone.

Me: I want Alejandro out of the zone!!

Me: The next test?

Me: I have to walk briskly for the next six minutes.

Me: Yes.

Me: Well, why wouldn’t I take off my shirt?

Me: The French are used to that sort of thing.

Me: And I’m going to get a good sweat on.

Me: Oh.

Me: Apparently the equipment works better if I keep my shirt on.

Me: No.

Me: I don’t see any equipment.

Me: I think Laetitia might be a drunk.

Me: She’s all worried about me texting when I do the brisk walk test thing.

Me: Thinks I might walk into a wall or something.

Me: As if.

Me: Hate Laetitia and her bad skin.

Me: Glad I’ve never been to France.

But truth is festival not about two-leggers but about movies.

This is list of movies Heidi going to see.

1. The Master.

Sound scary, like about bad two-legger who hate dog and maybe make dog slave, but actually about Scientology and star that guy who everybody say good actor. He kinda fat. Forget name. Complicated name. Heidi into Scientology for a bit when she found out that Christ God say dogs have no soul and no get into heaven! Heidi left church after that! But Scientology weird and expensive, so Heidi ran away after achieving OT II.

2. Rust and Bone.

Heidi LOVE movie about bone!! Hope it about meat bone not chicken bone.

3. Love, Marilyn.

Documentary on famous two-legged sex bomb Marilyn Monroe. Heidi always relate to Marilyn! When she said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,” she could have been talking about Heidi. Poor Marilyn, she was like candle in wind!

4. Hyde Park on Hudson.

Bill Murray favourite of Heidi. He would make good pack leader.

5. Amour.

Heidi no know what this about but given free pass in park when playing fetch. Seat filler, I guess

6. Looper

Star Bruce Willis!!! Two-legger travel in time and shoot himself! Movie made of awesome! Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker! Also star Joseph-Gordon Levitt. Heidi like to lick him, Heidi lick him long time!

7. Silver Linings Playbook.

Heidi dreamer. Believe every cloud have silver lining, so Heidi want to see movie about silver lining. Heidi favourite silver lining leftovers.

8. Bad 25.

About Michael Jackson! He King of Pop and friend to animals! Good father to Bubbles and when he Moon Walk, Heidi think anything possible! Poor Michael, he die far too young. Hope doctor who kill him with horse medicine go to jail forever! He very, very bad dog!

9. On the Road.

Star that bitch Kristen Stewart from Twilight. Can’t believe she cheated on Robert Pattinson! Even though Heidi always on Team Jacob big time, still think Kirsten Stewart bad bitch! Where her pack loyalty? Heidi go to movie just to bark!

10. Argo.

Heidi know dog named Argo.

Only reason Heidi want to see movie.

Also have free pass.

Yes, I’m alive.

????

No, nobody is eating my face.

You don’t believe me?

You think the killer has my iPhone?

Of course.

If I was a face-eating killer I think I’d stop to text with the victim’s husband.

It’s only polite.

You want me to prove I’m myself?

Ok.

How would you like me to proceed?

My favourite animal?

OK.

Satan.

Yes, he is.

How do you know Satan isn’t an animal?

They call him the Beast and in pictures he has horns.

Is 2.

Is 2.

Another animal?

I like baby sloths.

Your remind me of a baby sloth.

Ok.

I’m glad you believe it’s me.

Why r u so spooked?

Yes, the news is scary right now.

Lots of weird murders.

That Magnotta is a bad man.

It is like the world is ending!

Really?

You think our downstairs neighbours are face-eaters?

What do you think a face tastes like?

If it tasted like chocolate, I might eat one.

No!

No!

I am not going to eat your face!

Or tear out your still beating heart.

I don’t have the zombie disease.

Alright, you devise your escape plans.

I hope it involves a speedy boat!

And maybe a giant bird.

I’m not making fun of u.

But be realistic.

U don’t have a driver’s license.

How r u going to escape the zombie apocalypse?

Honestly, u’d be the first they ate.

I know you used to be good at sports.

But that was a long time ago, honey.

Zombies won’t know about your “reputation.”

They just want to eat your face.

You just bought a boat on-line?

An inflatable raft?

Yes, I’m sure it was a good price.

And that you will float to safety when the apocalypse comes.

Can zombies swim?

Well, maybe you should look into that.

Yep.

Yes, I bet they would post the video of your face being eaten on-line.

No, not as an example.

Just so they could admire their work.

They’d savor you, I bet.

Well, they’d probably come up from the basement where they’ve been living.

Through the open window where you have the AC.

Is the AC on now?

It’s not even hot.

Jesus.

You are a money waster!

You’re wasting money and making yourself vulnerable to zombie attack!

Yes, they’ll come through the open window!

And you won’t even hear them because of the AC racket!

And then your face will be gone!

Yeah.

The dog probably licks your face just to clean it for the zombie attack.

Gotta go now!

C u soon.

Just finishing a beer with the girls.

Please cancel your boat order.

xox