I was flying
but could not control
where I was going.
Illustrations by Rachelle Maynard.
]]>The other day my book A Van Full of Girls
was selected by Kerry Clare, author of Mitzi Bytes and literary rainmaker, to be on the One-Of-A-Kind list. https://49thshelf.com/Blog/2017/03/02/The-One-of-a-Kind-List
If you’re thinking that “one-of-a-kind” is some sort of backhanded compliment and that this designation is like being sent to the Island of Misfit Toys,
well, you’re an idiot and you have never been more wrong about anything in your entire, often wrong, life. This is a tremendous honour, and as if that wasn’t enough, Kiley Turner, who owns a goddamn company AND is managing editor of 49th Shelf, implied, very, very strongly implied, that I had written the BEST BOOK DESCRIPTION IN HISTORY for my book A VAN FULL OF GIRLS, which you can order from any fine bookseller or from me, a shady bookseller.
Put on your sunglasses and read this:
“Have you ever been in a van full of girls? All the girls are alive and they’re happy. You’re all heading off to do something whimsical and flirty and maybe a little bit drunk. You’re going to see a Beach Boys tribute band. You’re going to the casino to bet it all on red. You’re going to a séance that you just know is going to end in skinny-dipping. Something like that. A Van Full of Girls is a collection of short, dizzy, funny things. It’s zippy and unpredictable, like a mongoose, but it’s dead sexy. You will want to take Polaroids of each precious, little missive contained within and then tape each one to your fridge. You will want to give this book to somebody you need to love you.”
That’s the description.
The best book description in the history of the world.
At any rate, all of these accolades have inspired me to write a letter to Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood. This is the letter:
*********************************************
Dear Margaret:
You probably heard that my book A VAN FULL OF GIRLS was recently awarded the prize for BEST BOOK DESCRIPTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
Let that just sink in for a moment.
Maybe a little longer.
Okay.
You feel it?
Peggy, I beat Crime and Punishment.
I beat Paradise Lost.
I beat The Shining.
I beat every book you ever wrote.
I even beat the fucking Bible.
You might be on a stamp,
and one of your books might have been made into a movie, (Only 29% on the Tomatometer, though), but nobody, not even a drunk person, has ever declared that you wrote THE BEST BOOK DESCRIPTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
So next time you see a small man dressed in as much Adidas wear as he can afford and using supplemental oxygen
waving frantically at you while you’re out for one of your ponderous, unfriendly strolls through the Annex, you might deign to wave back to him, because you know what? That man is me, your literary better.
Michael Murray
PS: We have one spot available in our fantasy baseball league this year if you care to finish behind me in yet another competition!
This is a link to Kerry Clare’s new book Mitzi Bytes: http://www.harpercollins.ca/9781443449229/mitzi-bytes
Kiley Turner is Managing editor of @49thShelf, dictator at Turner-Riggs ( http://turner-riggs.com/) and content manager at brand-new ReaderBound: the easiest way for publishers to get a great website.
And you can order my book here: https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/a-van-full-of-girls/9781554831685-item.html
]]>
Monica Lewinsky 40:
Dear Monica:
I just want to say that it’s amazing and impressive that you’ve lived this long. I think everybody in the media was sure you’d die in a self-loathing pit of drugs, despair and faded memories, but no! You took up knitting! That is completely awesome, and I wish more borderline celebrity types would do this. MC Hammer? He should be knitting. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a most excellent and happy 40th and continued success in living an anonymous and not disastrously adjusted life! You’re doing great!
Lynda Carter 62
Dear Lynda:
You probably know what you meant to me when I was a boy growing up, so I won’t get into that here. But sweet Jesus, you were hot. My friend Ian used to hump the TV when your show Wonder Woman came on. Can you imagine that? I tell you, young boys will put their dicks on anything. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written that to you, it’s kind of gross, I guess. But I don’t know, maybe it makes you feel kind of proud, too? You are getting old, after all. I don’t mind admitting that women, even Wonder Women (LOL) have always confused me. Anyway, you’re beautiful on the inside and out, and all of us are very proud of you for being a spokesperson for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’m on a gluten-free diet, myself. Happy birthday!!
Kevin Spacey 53
Dear Kevin:
I have to say, and you’re now old enough to hear it, you’re a VERY over-rated actor. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a happy birthday, you should, but you just need to stop hamming it up so much.
Elisabeth Moss 31
Dear Elisabeth:
I just want you to know that I think that Peggy Olson, your character on Mad Men, is made of steel. She takes no shit!! I mean, it’s a man’s world where she works, but Peggy stands up for herself, changes with the times and learns how to dress! It’s awesome. How does it feel to have your own doll? Pretty cool, I bet. I’d like to have my own action figure. He’d be playing table tennis. Do you know Jennifer Lawrence? Happy birthday!
Selena Gomez 21
Dear Selena:
You know what’s weird? It’s weird that on your birthday I was riding my bicycle by a fancy hotel in Toronto that was being swarmed by gitchy teen girls in really short shorts all waiting to see Justin Bieber, the guy you dumped. What a bunch of losers! Like you, I’m not a Belieber, and you know what? I’m old enough to be your father but still find you really sexy! Funny, eh? Happy birthday, Selena, may your 20s be wild, unpredictable and very experimental!
