This is an excerpt from our debut episode:
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Me: Hey! Welcome back to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
Heidi: We all bark and all bite!!
Me: We sure are, Heidi, we sure are, and I have to say, that was a fascinating interview we just did with Muffin the cat! I mean, WOW, what an interesting cat!
Heidi: Heidi want to barf.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: HORRIBLE interview. Heidi no care what Muffin think about immigration or Kim Kardashian getting mom-shamed for straightening daughter’s hair.
Me: Well, you have to admit, Muffin did have some pretty interesting and unique ideas about how to solve the global immigration crisis.
Heidi: You want crisis? Heidi give you crisis. Name Muffin is crisis. So stupid! Why moron cat named after food? Why after crappy food? Why not Steak?! Why not Cheeseburger! Why not Twizzler?
Me: Twizzler is a good name!
Heidi: Heidi like Twizzlers.
Me: Me, too.
Heidi: Twizzlers a uniter.
Stupid Muffin don’t deserve name Twizzler. Such a fat, lazy animal! Muffin never hunt, just lie there! Make society hunt for her! Heidi hate that!
Me: Well, Muffin is an indoor cat.
Heidi: Heidi have no time for Muffin excuses! Muffin staring at diabetes, Heidi tell you.
Me: And hey, for those of you who have to commute today, you should know that traffic along the DVP is slow, so you might want to explore some other routes…
Heidi: Look. Heidi know this controversial, but Heidi think it wrong to normalize cats. Cats evil.
Either you against evil cats or you for evil cats. Not complicated. Not nuanced. You have cat on show, you cat apologist. You part of problem.
Me: The Heidi Hot Take! I was wondering when that was going to happen, so tell us, how can you be certain that all cats are evil?
Heidi: You got to break some eggs to make omelette. Way of the world. Dog eat cat eat other dog eat it all.
Me: Okay, well, maybe now would be a good time to open up the show to callers! Anybody out there have an opinion on whether it’s wrong to normalize cats or not?
Heidi: Ha! Heidi laugh!
Me: Why?
Me: No way you have callers! Also, Muffin really stink. Heidi almost faint from stench. Heidi need danger pay! You think cats clean because always licking paw and brushing self, but just OCD. Cats mental in the head! Cat hygiene fake news!
Me: While we wait to get connected to our first caller, it’s time to provide you with a message from one of our sponsors. Support for The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike comes form MailChimp…
Heidi: More than 7 million businesses around the world uses MailChimp…
Me: To send newsletters, messages and deliver high fives…
Me: Heidi?
Me: Heidi, it’s your turn now.
Heidi: Oh! Heidi sorry. Licking herself. What words?
Me: You say, “MailChimp, sends better email!”
Heidi: MailChimp, sends better email!
Me: And now you bark, Heidi.
Heidi: Heidi no bark. No chance. Heidi have self-respect.
Me: Okay, still trying to connect with our caller, just be a sec.’
Heidi: Ha! Heidi marry Muffin if actual caller. No way caller. Heidi can smell your lie sweat. Heidi know.
]]>Public shaming of members of President Trump’s administration has become the latest act of resistance against the government. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave a restaurant, Environmental Protection Agency Chief Scott Pruitt was lectured and videotaped while dining out, Kellyanne Conway, a consultant to Trump, was mocked in a grocery store, and most recently Stephen Miller, a particularly loathsome advisor to Trump, threw out $80 worth of sushi after the bartender followed him outside of the restaurant and told him to go fuck himself.
Here, in their own words, are other Trump officials relating their stories of being heckled in public:
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Mira Ricardel, Deputy National Security Advisor:
“ I was called a ‘Shit Donkey’ by some tall woman when I went to see Ocean’s 8 at the Cineplex. It completely ruined the movie for me. This is not the America I know.”
Kevin McAleenan, Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection:
“ I had just finished collecting the quarters from the washer and dryers at one of my rental properties and was walking back to my car when I felt a little sting on the back of my neck. When I turned around I saw that some old man sitting on a stoop had just spit a sunflower shell on my neck. He then fired another, and that one hit me in the leg, and as I reached for my taser he called me “a traitor to my nation and to humanity,” before twitching out.
Wilbur Ross, Secretary of Commerce:
“ The woman working on my feet during my morning sports pedicure was extremely rough, almost violent while exfoliating my heels. And make no mistake, it was intentional. I can tell. And when I admonished her and told her how lucky she was to be living in America, she said something under her breath in a foreign language. I called the manager and had her fired, but it’s getting intolerable, this lack of civility.”
Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education:
“ I was at the Illuminati sex party in Novgorod and right after the sacrifice, a man wearing a goat’s head refused to have sex with me saying, “Children in cages aren’t my thing, you Trump skank.” I had my mask on so I don’t even know how he knew who I was. Jesus, I don’t even want to think about what they’re saying about me at Martha’s Vineyard!”
Peter O’Rourke, Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs:
“ I was at a Bryan Adams concert with a few of my paintball buddies and while I was out on the floor enjoying the show I saw that they put my picture on the giant screen with the words, EVIL TRUMP FLUNKY across it. Not cool, Bryan, not cool.”
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And as most of you also know, Donald Trump is an absolute master of Twitter, (@realDonaldTrump) a medium which is quickly becoming the primary means of disseminating thought and information. In case you’ve forgotten, here are some of Trump’s most penetrating, brilliant and revealing Tweets:
“If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country—I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses!”
“Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”
(That is not Robert Pattinson in the above photographs)
“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”
“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
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Ever the iconoclast, Trump has decided to participate in the Presidential debate via Twitter, limiting his answers to a blunt 140 characters. These are some of the Tweets that Trump and his team have been preparing for the night:
On the Charleston shooting:
“Tragedy. National tragedy. As an olive branch from the whites, I am offering any black $100 worth of gambling chips, free, at any of my casinos on the anniversary of that church shooting.”
“Mixed race guests get $50 worth of chips, which is still a great deal.”
Gay Marriage:
“Know lots of gay people. Best decorators in the world. They’re responsible for making my hotels look so great. Terrific race.”
“A couple of them have won Celebrity Apprentice, so I’m obviously not a bigot, even though I am big time Hetero.”
“I’ve slept with a lot of beautiful women.”
Health Care:
“Obamacare is a heat-seeking missile that will rape and destroy small businesses and jobs.”
“Hillary is a socialist, she doesn’t understand business, so I’m telling her once you rape small business, there are consequences, you can’t just go and get an abortion.”
“I would set up a different, much better, more luxurious system than we have now. It would have the Trump stamp of quality.”
ISIS:
“These guys just opened a hotel, can you believe it? Not only have they declared war on America, but now they’re going to war against me.”
“If I can make billions of dollars and build quality golf courses and real estate, I can destroy ISIS.”
“Donald Trump has never lost a war.”
“ISIS, what a bunch of chumps.”
The Mexican Border:
“I’m going to build a wall to keep Mexicans in Mexico, and you know it will be a solid, quality wall because it will be made by Trump builders. ”
“You know that wall in Game of Thrones? It will put that to shame, it will put China to shame, it will be the wall to end all walls, like the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in…”
“….exciting and beautiful Atlantic City. My fantastic casino has an exotic Indian theme–7-11 Indian though, not casino Indian.”
“No Mexicans will ever get through my wall to steal American jobs and water.”
“Is Salma Hayek Mexican? Classy lady. Beautiful, unlike most Mexican women who tend to be plain–they just don’t look after themselves as a people.”
We’re holding up pencils, trading memes about not giving in to fear and bravely demanding news agencies reprint the Charlie Hedbo cartoons, often from the comfort of our sofas while watching The Mindy Project or the hockey game. We’re warriors for free speech and we will not be silenced.
It’s ironic that our courage for free speech is predicated largely upon being able to express it through the distant, quasi-anonymous medium of social media, and it’s even more ironic that the massacre in Paris has only an optical relationship to free speech rather than a substantive one.
It seems unlikely that there’s a single person in the West who believes that curtailing free speech in order to placate terrorism is a tolerable, let alone debatable idea. The cartoons in question will go on to colonize the world, and we will gather together by the thousands in public squares to safeguard our liberties. Free speech will not die, not on our watch.
We should presume that the people responsible for these murders knew that this would be the outcome. It is, after all, always the outcome. Whenever an act of terror is committed, a robust surge of patriotism and anger—which we often mistake for courage—follows. Our tribe rises up and begins to throw rocks at their tribe, and last night as people were gathering in Place de la Republique in glowing, peaceful solidarity, others were enacting the revenge narrative by attacking mosques and bombing kebab shops.
France, the nation that banned the covering of the face in public, has a reputation for being one of the more Islamophobic nations in Europe. The cartoons that Charlie Hedbo printed were puerile, designed for provocation more than satiric illumination, I think. By appealing to a ready-made, Muslim-averse public, they were picking low-hanging fruit. In a different context, the cartoons, instead of being seen as heroic, would be seen as offensive, bigoted propaganda.
There are roughly six million Muslims in France, and they comprise about ten percent of the population. Of that six million, approximately a third identify as practicing Muslims, with the rest, many of whom are marginalized immigrants, leading secular lives that presumably include things like Grand Theft Auto, football and beer. The terrorists don’t want these people to be assimilated into French culture, they want them to be radicalized, and to do so they must feel persecuted and unwelcome. I suspect that the point behind the killings was not to quell free speech, but to ratchet up tribal warfare against Muslims, ensuring that for new, would-be recruits, participation in a holy war will always seem like a decent option.
The response then should be to treat the people responsible as criminals, and not as a part of some invisible, ever-present army. Declaring war on an idea rather than a specific, definable entity seems doomed, and as we willingly suspend our civil rights and try to make our collective fear, anger and grief manifest in physical villains, our principles and values, our quality of life, begins to rot from the inside, and right there, the war is lost.
]]>If Nike were a politician, it would be Rob Ford.
He just does it.
If you’re one of his constituents and you need something resolved, you should just drop Rob an email, because he’s a man who will take the bull by the horns and go to the matt for the ordinary Joe.
What follows is a recent correspondence between a citizen and the Mayor:
From: Stephen Anderson
Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 02:16
To: Robfootball@toronto.ca
Subject: Unacceptable and unprofessional behaviour by a Royal Taxi driver (Plate 1736)
This morning, at approximately 1:30 am, a Royal Taxi (Toronto Taxi plate number 1736) picked me up on Front Street. The cab displayed a sticker indicating that they accept Interac payment. The ride was uneventful. At my destination, St. Clair West and Bathurst, the driver claimed his payment machine was “not working” and refused to shut off the meter while driving me to an ATM to pay him, which incurred me additional fees since the ATM was not my home bank.
This has been a repeating problem with many taxi drivers lately, and it is unacceptable. I would like you to look into this please. The driver should have informed me at the time of pickup that he did not have a working payment machine and let me decide whether to board his vehicle.
Thanks,
Stephen Anderson
Dear Steve-O:
Let me tell you, this sort of crap really gets under my skin.
Dude LIED to you!
Me and a couple of my staff-buddies have spent the better part of the day tracking this crook down and his name is something like Makebed, and he’s one of those guys who isn’t really a Canadian. I called him on the phone but I guess I got one of his wives. She was all, “ No speakie, no speakie!!” so I just yelled at her for ten minutes, making sure she knew it was “Mayor Goddamn Ford bringing the hammer!” It’s an intimidation thing I learned playing high school football. If you’re mixed-up with your words but you still want to be understood, you just fucking yell. Honestly S-dawg, it’s helped get me where I am today.
I’m going to guess that if you yelled at Makebed then this whole problem would have gone away, but maybe you’re small or gay or something, and so you’ve done the right thing by bringing the problem straight to the top, to the Big Dog, Rob Ford.
Anyway, I’ve got my staff working on deporting the guy from the city. I don’t want criminals driving cars in my town. If you think you can come into this city and rip off real Canadians, well, you got another thing coming, and Makebed, taxi plate number 1736, is going to get an awful lot of special attention from the city, if you know what I mean. (Just got back from fact finding trip to Chicago and learned a lot about stuff like this)
Anyhow, it’s nearly 8:00, so I’m finishing up and heading out for some beers and shots– if you want to join me and the boys( NO HOMO!) we’ll be upstairs at the Tilted Kilt on The Esplanade. They got the hottest waitresses in town. Boobs everywhere, it’s a Breastaurant, bro, and if they know you, they’ll charge you the regular price for the Super Sporran sized portions.
Ready, set, hut!
Rob Ford
PS: I’ll teach you how to yell. No charge, buddy, no charge– I work for you!
]]>The most recent assault on Toronto’s foremost public servant comes from the Toronto Transit Commission. The other day a streetcar driver accosted Mayor Ford, accusing him of driving his Minivan (identified by the license plate “ROBFORD”) past the open front doors of the city vehicle.
This is a short, one-act play called Third And Long, (commission by Ford supporters) based on recent events.
THIRD AND LONG
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: (Rushing out of streetcar to accost Rob Ford as he sits in his car listening to motivational tapes while waiting for the light to change.) “Hey piggy Mayor, your mama so fat when she gets a cut she bleed milkshakes, she so fat she sells shade in the summer. You a fat motherfucka! “
Mayor Ford: “Pardon me, sir?”
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: “ Your politics suck ma dick, and I say you drove past my open doors! You front page, fattie!”
Mayor Ford: “I have to disagree with you, but if you like we can proceed through the proper channels to have this matter resolved.”
Lesbian on streetcar with social disease and unpleasant tattoos: (Leaning through the window and shaking her fist)“ I sawz him! He was speeding like he done something wrong! Maybe he kilt somebody!”
Mayor Ford: “ I’m just here to serve the people in the best way that I can, and if any of you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.”
(At this point Mayor Ford parks his vehicle, pays the meter and gets on the streetcar, paying his three dollars.)
Mayor Ford: “Toronto has the best public transit in the entire world! I’m probably much better taking it than driving and it’s also nice to get to chat with my fellow Torontonians! How are you Miss?!”
Indian woman in Muslim costume with baby who is different colour than she is: “I come from other country! Where my money! You supposed to feed my baby I make from crazy drug sex!”
Mayor Ford: (Smiling) “You have a lovely child there, she could grow up to be Mayor, you know.”
Person in wheelchair taking up way too much room: “ My disability isn’t enough! Give me more!!”
Mayor Ford: (Taking a knee to get closer to the person) “I feel your pain and will personally look into your case to see if I might improve matters!
NDP Party member and supporter of Occupy Wall Street who is playing bongos in back of the streetcar: “ Your family is ugly!”
Mayor Ford: (laughing in a good-natured manner) “Oh, we’re just big-boned!”
Faggy drug addict with a nose bleed: “ You’ve been running this city as if it was a suburban country club, ignoring the needs of those with the greatest need, why won’t you help us?”
Mayor Ford: “ Your words are daggers into my heart. You are all my children, (opening his arms expansively) my constituents, and I want nothing more than to help you by teaching you to help yourselves!”
And then Mayor Ford hands out Scratch And Win lotto tickets to all the passengers on the streetcar, the people, HIS people, now applauding and cheering as he drives away in his Minivan to visit with wounded troops.
