I don’t believe that this crime was committed by a hacker collective known as The Impact, as has been reported, because The Impact can be nothing other than the name of a (white) B-Boy dance troupe from back in the 80’s.

At any rate, I think that the bloody-minded terrorist group ISIS, who really knows how to tear at the fabric of Western society, was responsible. They want to expose our corrupt ways and force our children to watch us shriek at one another while washing dishes after dinner. But no, no, I am not going to let terror win. When our leaders called upon us to shop in order to fight terror, I shopped, and now, when it is clear that we must continue our adulterous ways in order to stave off terror, I will be adulterous. I am for the troops, and with that in mind, I have just joined Ashley Madison.

This is my profile page:

RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine

“Renaissance man”

Age: 36 (Leo)

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Height: 6’0″ (183cm)

Weight: 190 lbs (86kg) – Average/medium

Languages Spoken: English

My Limits are: Undecided

Status: Attached Male seeking Females

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)

Smoking Habits: Not specified

Tell me more about yourself:

I love puppies and animals in general, although I have never cheated on my wife by using them as sex slaves. By the way, raccoons are my favourite animal, and I am pretty sure they’re my spirit guides. Sometimes, I like to dress up as one for sex.

Besides that I do martial arts; extreme martial arts. And Parkour. I also play the drums, and it’s like I play the drums better than Satan, it’s like I’m having sex with those drums, it’s like a drumgasm! ( LOL!!) I’m also taking some college classes, one on zombies in popular media, because I love zombies and meeting young women who would normally be outside of my sphere. I work as an Uber driver (another great way to meet women and find out where they live) whenever my wife starts screaming at me about whether the forks are clean enough or some other bullshit.

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I am on a quest– not just for sex with a female partner who is not my wife, but for all things. I will do and try anything. Some people say that I am fearless, as fearless as an urban raccoon. Would somebody who isn’t fearless spend just over a week in the woods searching for Bigfoot? I don’t think so. A person with fear would cringe from that challenge, but not RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine! I went to the woods. Will you go to the woods with me?

What really turns me on:

Honesty would have to be number one, and a close second would be to see a Bigfoot man and a Bigfoot lady going at it.

What I am looking for:

I like chicks who dig passionate drummers, as well as submissive Goth types who are into role playing, but mostly I just like really hot babes. Here are some examples:

No Asians please.

The statue should distill the essence of the Toronto Maple Leafs and their relationship to their fans. Here are some suggestions:

1.  Fans in Maple Leaf jerseys with brown paper bags over their heads, as was the custom in the rink during the years when Harold Ballard owned the team.

2. Like the famous pop art LOVE statue in New York City, the words:

“APPALING INSULTING TRADES”

would stand like an unfixable reminder  outside of the arena.

3. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, drunk and wearing a Maple Leaf jersey, being thrown-out of a game by security after he told a woman sitting behind him that she should “ Go to Iran and get raped and shot.” (This story would be engraved on the base of the statue.) The mayor, who is off-balance and holding up a  “We’re number one,” foam finger on his hand, would have a proud and defiant look on his face, while behind him stands a stern, no-fun looking woman (very plain) wearing a Hajib as security drags him out.

4. Beloved Leaf goon Tie Domi, with a homicidal look on his face, holding his hockey stick above his head as if a chainsaw that he’s about to use to cut through the flesh of his opponent. (Probably cowering European victim)

5. A really long-line up to the washroom, with the faces of the people waiting expressing irritation, desperation and sadness.

6. Another pop art rendering, this would be a statue of Lanny Macdonald’s mustache from his glory days in the 70’s.

7. The Muskoka 5—This was the name given to a group of veteran players  (Mats Sundin, Tomas Kaberle, Darcy Tucker, Bryan McCabe and Pavel Kubina) who would not waive their no trade clauses, the theory being that they were too comfortable and would rather play out the season without fighting for the play-offs, and then spending the off-season at their luxury cottages in the Muskoka region. These players would be honoured with statues, one on a Jet Ski, one smiling on the golf course, two drinking beer on a dock together and the final one with his arm around a sexy woman in a bikini who is not his wife.

8. Brian Burke, cantankerous former President and GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, screaming at members of a cowering media.

9. Eric Lindros looking vulnerable, confused and beaten.

10. A number of fans, of the Bro variety, many without shirts and painted blue, with expressions of despair, disbelief and profound sorrow as the Leafs coughed up a three goal lead to the Boston Bruins in the 7^th game of the play-off series with only a few minutes left to go.