*************************************************
Heidi very sad.
Things not good.
All sky falling wet and grey, everything smell of cat.
Frostie the Snow Goat is gone.
Although Frostie did not live long, Frostie lived cute. Not how many breaths Frostie took, but how many times Frostie took breath away with cuteness! Now Heidi know she VERY, VERY cute, but Frostie took cute to different level. Frostie made wheelchair work for him! Most animal in wheelchair just look weak, like can’t defend meat or kill squirrel, but Frostie make you want to give him your meat! Very rare talent! When Frostie wear hoodie, not look like gimmick, look like real deal, like Frostie just want to stay warm!
Frostie was true fashion prodigy, Heidi think Frosty Lady Di of Snow Goats!
Frostie our candle in the wind.
When Frostie got rid of wheelchair, he showed us that he not need props to be cute. He have natural charisma and when Heidi see Frostie, cannot take eye off Frostie! Like when hunting, only instead of wanting to kill and eat red blood of Frostie, want to hug and cuddle Frostie! So cute!!!
Frostie was great inspiration to Heidi, always showing her new ways to maximize cuteness. Although Frostie only live two months, Frostie prove to be great leader, even Alpha. Heidi hurt so much right now, so very, very much, no meat steak or fetch can fill the emptiness Heidi feel inside.
Heidi need a minute.
Just want to say, Frostie good goat, very, very good goat!
LC!
Heidi Maynard-Murray
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This writing business isn’t working out for me. I type slowly, my grammar is atrocious, I’m getting dimmer and more confused as I age, and of course, there’s no money to be made. The best thing for me, instead of just growing more bitter, unsuccessful and out of touch, is to simply step away from the industry as gracefully as possible and throw my passions into something else.
I’m going to become a doula.
As fate would have it, some good friends of mine are expecting a baby in about six months, and one night over dinner they commented that I have a knack for always making those around me feel really comfortable and at ease and that they hoped they could get a doula that was as good at that as me. Right then and there I volunteered to be their doula and they jumped at the chance.
In preparation for my new role, in which it will be my job to assist Tina before, during, or after childbirth, as well as her partner Raoul, (by providing physical assistance, and emotional support), I have been studying online, reading various pamphlets and sending encouraging emails. What follows are some of the emails I have sent the expectant couple:
Tina:
I just wanted to check in, making sure that you were eating properly and getting all of the required nutrients. Remember, eggs and bone marrow make a great breakfast for mother’s-to-be!
You’re doing great and don’t worry about your new neck fat, the odd’s are in your favour that it’s not thyroid cancer!
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“IF I CAN DREAM IT, I CAN ACHIEVE IT.”
Tina:
You’re probably feeling pretty low now, but take solace in the fact that you were once beautiful and that many (some) men like big women. And in answer to your question, I have done quite a bit of research and the general consensus is that the pain associated with giving birth is really quite extreme. You’re going to make a great mother!! (Also, no, I do not know what doula means, but I will find out!!)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“EVERYTHING HAS BEAUTY, BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN SEE.”
Tina:
STAY AWAY FROM GREEN TEA AT ALL COSTS!!!! IT COULD DAMAGE THE BABY’S DNA AND CREATE MUTATIONS IN THE CHILD!! (Hope it’s not too late!)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“TRY TO BE LIKE THE TURTLE—COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SHELL.”
Raoul:
As your family’s doula, it’s not just my job to tend to the needs of your wife Tina, but to yours, too. I know this is a very stressful time for you, especially with you trying to build a rocking cradle before the baby is born, and you probably have a lot of questions about what your new life is going to be like, whether things in the bedroom with your wife will ever be the same (no) or if you’ll be exhausted all the time (yes). In order to ameliorate these anxieties, I am going to schedule one-on-one therapy sessions each week at The House of Lancaster in Parkdale (There are new, more generous rules on touching). 
Here, we will discuss matters of new parenting and hopefully take your mind off your worries. (The expense of these field trips will be embedded in my bill to you and Tina every two weeks.)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“FALL SEVEN TIMES AND STAND UP EIGHT.”
]]>@michaelmurrayca I’m 20 rows from the front, dead centre. Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the storm.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah just took stage to sound of delirious fans. Tried to give her my manuscript but failed. Awkward moment.
@michaelmurrayca No, not failed. Just given another opportunity to build my life.
@michaelmurrayca “You honour me by being here,” Oprah says, “Real question is why are you here?”
@michaelmurrayca “Love tittie shows!” I yell. Unsophisticated crowd doesn’t appreciate joke.
@michaelmurrayca Feminazis everywhere. VERY sour looks.
@michaelmurrayca “As small girl, grandma said I had to learn to hang clothes for the life I would have. Inside voice said no.”
@michaelmurrayca Blahblahblahblahblah #Oprahmanuscripthater
@michaelmurrayca There are like 8 Asian people in the crowd.
@michaelmurrayca Wonder what’s up with that.
@michaelmurrayca Could it be that the Asians hate Oprah????
@michaelmurrayca Oprah says she was Miss Fire Prevention at 16. “I could out talk those Southern girls.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah thinks she’s better than Southern girls. #Dixiechickswillwritesongaboutthis
@michaelmurrayca “Nothing is happening willy-nilly to you. You’re creating your own life.”
@michaelmurrayca Three women behind me just started to cry.
@michaelmurrayca One of them is really letting it go. Worried she might lose control of her bladder.
@michaelmurrayca Just looked behind me, major sobber has Oprah tattoo on her calf.
@michaelmurrayca O is part comedian, part actor, part preacher, part big sister and all woman!!
@michaelmurrayca Funny, self-deprecating and riveting. Crowd is completely enthralled.
@michaelmurrayca Best. Storyteller. On. Planet.
@michaelmurrayca Important to note Oprah has great hair today, cascading curls. Also, purple sparkly dress with contrasting purple shrug.
@michaelmurrayca I would fucking follow that woman into war.
@michaelmurrayca Would fight in mud.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah is like a black Dolly Parton.
@michaelmurrayca Would fight like hell for Dolly Parton, too.
@michaelmurrayca Swear to God they just did something to make place smell like pumpkins and vanilla.
@michaelmurrayca Going to note that in my gratitude journal. Grateful for pumpkin/vanilla scent.
@michaelmurrayca “My dream is to be able use my life to touch yours. To live on the edge of glory and sit with you.”
@michaelmurrayca People are going crazy, like she took her top off or something.
@michaelmurrayca If she wanted to touch my life, why not take manuscript???? #Oprahcaughtinlie
@michaelmurrayca “Sit. Feast on your life.” Fade to black and Oprah shouts “Ottawaaaaa” as pulsing beat starts and standing ovation.
@michaelmurrayca Then she gives away her Manolo Blahniks. Just took em off and put gold and diamond slippers on. Asked who in audience is size 10.5 and voila!
@michaelmurrayca Pretty sure Oprah feet must smell like pumpkin and vanilla.
* I must note that Ottawa Citizen megastar Louisa Taylor @louisataylorCIT was also live Tweeting the Oprah event and that as it turns out, I Tweeted maybe some of the exact same thing that she did, almost as if I wasn’t there at all. But no worries, our legal system will sort it all out!
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This is a collection of her Tweets from the last week:
Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys your ability to trust.
If you want to feel good, you have to go out and do some good.
Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.
Just saw Skyfall and I’d really like to get slippery with Daniel Craig. Really, really slippery.
What you really want is to be surrounded by people you trust & treasure & by people who cherish you. That’s when you’re really rich.
Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads & empty hearts can do that. -Norman Peale
Sick of all the Jews in Hollywood.
I don’t hate them, I’m not anti-Semitic, just really, really sick of them right now.
Happiness will come to you when it comes from you. Success will be yours when you choose to take responsibility for making it so.
Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, & soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer.
Got to call somebody about the birds. Their constant cawing from the backyard is driving me CRAZY!!!!!
Hate birds.
Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. -Michael Jordan
Very high right now.
Great spirits have always faced violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Einstein
Successful people know the difference between patience & procrastination.
Bitch-faced birds now on my very last nerve.
I haven’t loved Stedman in a very long time and have had a steady stream of lovers.
Would definitely fuck Obama if I had the chance. Michelle, too.
Every time U suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play U small, U are ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave u.
Missing the NHL.
I believe that every single event in life happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.
Fucked Sylvester Stallone once. VERY disappointing.
I was once afraid of people saying “who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand & say, “THIS IS WHO I AM.”
I really, really hate my life and I think several of my maids are stealing from me.
I’m going to go kill me some birds.
