I don’t much like the food here at Pulmonary Rehab.
The hatred of hospital food is pretty much a universal, and so I imagined that all the other residents would share my point of view. But no, I was dead wrong. The people I spoke with liked the food, even the simulated pork thing that had been pressed to make it look like ribs.
The reasons for this are simple enough. Many of the people here– by virtue of their condition– are unable to work and have little money. Many of them are older and live alone, lacking the will, funds or ability to attentively feed themselves, and are thus entirely grateful when a meal is delivered to them three times a day. This food, regardless of its quality and regardless of whether it’s “Instagrammable” or not, is a good thing.
Its presence is a relief, a daily stress crossed-out.
People enter into this program eroded and depressed, little more than shadows of who they once were. On Fridays we’re allowed to go home for the weekend, but not everybody does. Some people are too sick or live too far away, but others stay because they have nothing they want to return to.
One man, heavy with sad eyes, said to me as he settled in before the TV, “Why would I want to go home and just sit there, staring at my four walls? I like it better here.”
Sometimes people forget just how breakingly lonely illness can be.
But soon enough, people are reanimated. Men who wouldn’t make eye contact when they entered are shortly cracking wise, singing along to the oldies while working out, and women who hadn’t played cards in years are laughing together over Euchre.
Collected from disparate lives and thrown together in common cause, we get to know one another gradually, through the honesty of proximity rather than the spin of words. You see the pain first, because you know the pain, too. But gradually, that’s chipped away to reveal the person lost inside, the person capable of joy and wonder. It’s a gift, this, and all of us here gathered beneath the mortal cloud of our illness become family, and will linger as family long after each one of us has stepped out the door and receded back into the mysterious worlds from which we came.
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Heidi no fool.
She see writing on the wall.
When furless four-legged fuckface come into pack, Heidi knew everything go to hell.
Suddenly two-leggers no longer notice Heidi.
Everything become about messy-face drool monkey.
Disgust Heidi.
No-fur pathetic excuse for a dog! No know how to bark, stupid and weak, and move like broken wing bird! Heidi destroy in fight, just destroy! Most boring, ugly dog on planet, and this new pack Alpha??? Heidi so upset not even want to eat own throw-up!!
Heidi look on her vision board.
Does Heidi see new loser dog on her vision board?
No, no she does not.
This is not part of Heidi plan!
All very stressful.
“Peace is within my reach,” Heidi say to self, “peace is within my reach,” but it do no good.
Heidi just want to kill!!
Rip open squirrel or other animal!!
Heidi want blood everywhere!!
Before two-leggers make big fuss over Heidi. Heidi so cute they going to die, everyone come running because they cannot resist Heidi cuteness. Heidi two-legger magnet with cuteness factor 10. Heidi get everything she want. Used to rub belly and call me Heidi Potter and her magic smells, but now no belly rub, and no love in voices. Like Heidi Potter and her magic smells now insult, you know? All two-leggers do is just shout, “NOHEIDINO!! BAD DOG!!!” and run to crappy, no-fur dog talking to it the way they used to talk to Heidi!
So two-faced!
Heidi hate them all!!
Heidi going to run away. Maybe find Capybaras that escape from zoo, form new pack and become celebrities.
Heidi know drummer for Burton Cummings, maybe find him and go on tour with band. Get out on road, explore world, feel the music.
RUN AWAY JOURNAL
Day One
When four-eyed two-legger opened front door, Heidi run to freedom. Heidi so fast! Black and tan lightning! All senses pulsing, Heidi so alive!! And then Heidi see squirrel. Fat squirrel. Heidi chase squirrel, “BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!” Heidi lost in moment. Two-legger then call Heidi and Heidi go back into den, forget she ran away.
Day Two
Raining. Heidi no run away.
Day Three
Cloudy. Look like might rain. Heidi no run away.
Day Four
Heidi smell meat steak. Heidi decide to stay for meat steak, but then no meat steak for dinner! Healthy Choice Pumpkin Squash Ravioli. Heidi furious!
Heidi resolve to run away redoubled!!
Day Five
Heidi escape!
Very dramatic!!
Heidi run past squirrel! Heidi very focused! Heidi run past interesting smell! Heidi run past pigeon! Then Heidi see workman eating lunch on front steps of nearby den. Heidi act very cute. Put on A-game. Heidi get some pizza. Heidi so skilled at begging it almost too easy. Heidi free, can do anything she like! Maybe start Instagram account and then get into politics. Work with Justin Trudeau.
But Heidi decide to join workman pack first. Heidi hang around. Workman bring Heidi into Ms. Ocampo’s den next door. He fixing sink. Den smell of the past and things forgotten. Sit and watch CSI repeats with Ms. Ocampo.
She calls Heidi, “ang aking maliit na anak na babae nawala,” all the time. Later, workman brings old, bad pack into new den and they act all happy to see Heidi, like best day of their lives. Heidi still mad and try not to wag tail, but still Heidi wag tail. When leave, wet-eye Ms. Ocampo waves through window, blows Heidi little kiss.
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