The Flash is seated outside on a small chair beneath the shade of a tree. All around him toddlers sit crosslegged while the supervisor directs their questions to The Flash.
Q: Is it true you eat a dozen raw eggs for breakfast?
F: No, The Flash likes red candies and ice cream. I have a belt, too. It is supposed to go here, but I forgot it today. It’s made of lightning.
Q: What is The Flash’s favourite fish?
F: The Flash likes red fish and green fish and then he mixes them with rice and they are all fish.
(The Flash then runs around the tree while the children shout.)
Q: Why is your costume red?
F: It is made of lava and if you touch it you get electrocuted! (The Flash demonstrates being electrocuted)
Q: Who is the worst villain?
F: Lizard man. He hisses so you have to throw him in the lake and then he sinks and the sharks eat him and we all go swimming because now the sharks are friendly. They were just hungry.
Q: What did you dream about last night?
F: Spiders. They were crawling on the boat and then they turned into flowers and raspberries and I was happy.
As many of you will have heard, I have started a daily Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
This is an excerpt from our most recent episode:
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Me: Well, that was awfully nice of Ontario Premier Doug Ford to come in for an interview and show us his old shot put from high school!
Heidi: Heidi no get shot put.
Me: What don’t you get?
Heidi: It just metal ball you can’t chase! Why have ball if not chase? Like big circle rock, and if circle-ball-rock not used to crush cat or squirrel or dumb bird, what the point?
Me: Well, as Premier Ford explained, it is a display of both mental and physical mastery.
Heidi: Heidi don’t think so. Heidi call bullshit.
Me: You ALWAYS call bullshit.
Heidi: Heidi calls them as she sees him. Why she respected journalist.
Me: You are a good journalist, it’s true.
Heidi: Heidi know. You could learn thing or two from Heidi.
Me: Like how to eat really, really, disgustingly quickly and spill my kibble all over the place?
Heidi: Grrrr. Grrrr.
Me: Well, it’s a shame that we never got to find out if Premier Ford would have won the gold medal for shot put at the Olympics. He’s right, the boycott back in 1980 really did just punish the athletes.
Heidi: Can’t give communism a foothold anywhere! But still, Heidi think something fishy about story.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: Well, if he and famous Ford Pack big part of Illuminati as he say, then they control Olympics. They do what they want!
Sex parties and gold medals and meat fat all the time!!
Me: But if they were part of the Illuminati, that would explain the family’s mysterious rise to power! I mean, his brother, a crack addict, was mayor of the city! How could something like that happen if not for the power of the Illuminati?
Heidi: Heidi know thing or two about Illuminati, and all Heidi say is Ford Pack not Illuminati material.
Me: Am I Illuminati material?
Heidi: Heidi not sure. Heidi very, very hungry. Maybe if she had treat would help her think.
Me: Would a liver treat do?
Heidi: Not ones from Dollar Store, liver treats from Italy.
Me: I said liver treat. Not treats. Singular. Not plural.
Heidi: Give Heidi treat.
Me: Okay.
Heidi: Not Illuminati material. Not even close. Bug Illuminati at best. Maybe dirt Illuminati.
Me: Let’s just move on, shall we? I have to say, I really thought Premier Ford dodged the question I asked him about the #MeToo movement! What did he say? “Shot putters never have to worry about the ladies?” What do you think that means?
Heidi: Heidi don’t care. He use Ralph Lauren Chaps cologne to try to hide smell of lies and anger, but smell too strong.
Can never escape his own stink. He all lies and anger.
Me: So when he said he would rather take barbarism over socialism, you believed him?
Heidi: Two-leggers all so naive. Barbarism only system that works.
]]>As many of you will have heard, I have started a Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
This is an excerpt from our second episode:
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Me: Hey! Welcome back to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
Heidi: Heidi hungry! Where Heidi breakfast?
Me: We talked about this. You’re supposed to say, “We’re all bark AND all bite!” after I introduce the show.
Heidi: Heidi no say lame catch-phrase, Heidi never say lame catch-phrase! If Heidi in Breakfast Club, Heidi want breakfast!!
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: ( Growling sounds)
Me: Here’s a liver treat, okay? Now let’s just do this, dammit. Alright! Well, that sure was nice of Madonna to stop by to chat with us on her 60th birthday! She’s quite the woman!
Heidi: Madonna big influence on Heidi. Very big.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: Madonna help Heidi discover her feminine power. Help Heidi be sexually liberated.
Me: I have to say, I was really suprised to find out you’ve had more sexual partners that she has.
Heidi: Heidi very cute. Heidi always very cute, but Madonna help Heidi understand power of cuteness and unleash sex beast within. She gave Heidi Big Dick Energy.
Me: How many partners did you say you had?
Heidi: Heidi no say, but Heidi not finished. Heidi still counting.
Me: You have to respect that.
Heidi: Heidi Alpha. Pack always respect Alpha. Madonna understand. Pitiful four-eyed two-legger like you never know feeling of Alpha, never understand.
Me: Well, maybe we should move on.
Heidi: Heidi not saying Vanilla Ice. Not saying not Vanilla Ice.
Me: You had sex with Vanilla Ice???
Heidi: Heidi no say that.
Me: What are you saying?
Heidi: Heidi mysterious. Only see Heidi through glass darkly.
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: You stupid face.
Me: Personally, I thought Madonna was kind of dull and I was really suprised by how weak her handshake was! That’s what struck me the most. It was creepy.
Heidi: You creepy fart head!
Me: Moving on.
Heidi: Creepy fart face!!
Me: Moving on.
Heidi: Creepy fart brain!
Me: Bad dog!! Bad, bad dog!!!
Heidi: Ha! Heidi good dog! Heidi Alpha dog! You bad dog! You very bad dog!
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: You like when Heidi talk to you like this. Heidi know. She see history on laptop.
Me: I was researching Madonna for this interview.
Heidi: Not naked interview.
Me: ( Sigh)
Heidi: You no have Big Dick Energy. You have stinky fart face energy!
Me: ( More sighing, a few seconds pass) So, what’s your favourite Madonna song?
Heidi: Heidi like “Don’t Tell Me.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRLHro9EPD0
Me: “Just Like A Prayer,” for me.
Heidi : Should be “Like A Virgin.”
Me: Okay, well it looks like we’ve run out of time, thank you all for tuning in to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
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After more than 460,000 miles, the 2022 edition of The Amazing Race came to an end last night with husband and wife duo Justin Trudeau and Sophie Gregoire being crowned the winners! CBS spoke with Justin and Sophie to ask about their experience!
CBS: “Congratulations on your victory! Can you tell us how it felt when you won The Amazing Race?”
Sophie: “Oh, it was unbelievable. We were so physically and mentally exhausted at that point that it was just music to our ears!”
Justin: “This was really, really big. I think the only thing I can compare it to was surviving the Black Trump Virus back in 2019 when it wiped out almost a third of the world population.”
CBS: “What do you think was the secret to your success on The Amazing Race? ”
Sophie: “I believe the biggest thing was that we really thought through the Roadblocks and the Detours. At first we were really impulsive, just jumping in very aggressively, you know? But after our encounter with the underground tribes of Cannibal Island, we realized we were going to have to take a more strategic, measured approach.”
Justin: “Look, I’m very competitive person and I always expect to win. Before Peoplekind’s first contact with The Radium, I was the leader of a great nation, so I had the ability to build consensus with the tribes of Cannibal Island, and working together as one, we were able to destroy some of the other competing couples, namely Adam and Bethany.”
CBS: “That looks like a Canadian flag you have stitched onto your bindles. You were President of Canada in the Before Time, weren’t you?”
Justin: “Prime Minister, actually, but yes, it is true. We were known for our tolerance, diversity and inclusivity.”
Sophie: “Canada, toujours dans nos cœurs!”
CBS: “Indeed, we were all very sorry to see Canada burn during the dimensional shifts. So many fine comics used to come from there.”
Justin: “ Yes, Shaun Majumber, Rick Mercer and Russell Peters to name just a few.
CBS: “So what was your favourite moment from the Race?”
Sophie: “Oh gosh, definitely, the Bollywood Challenge we won in Global Sector 6. So much fun!”
Justin: “Absolutely, it was a real game changer.”
CBS: “So as a successful team, what advice would you give to future contestants going on the show?”
Sophie: “You must make all of the scheduled blood sacrifices to The Radium. It doesn’t matter if you’re exhausted or wounded, you still have to perform the entire sacrifice. Correctly. And if you don’t, The Radium will know! Look what happened to the mother son team of Dot and Danny.”
Justin: “I would just add that even though it’s important for you to respect the survivors of all the Global Sectors you visit, you really are better off shooting first and asking questions later. ”
CBS: “Do you have any special plans for the Oxygen Credits you just won on The Amazing Race?
Justin: “For now we’re not going to change. We’re going to just continue hunting and gathering, but eventually we would like to be able to acquire a flesh slave.”
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Me: Hi! I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us, and add what a personal honour it is for me to be speaking to a woman with with such a dizzying literary capacity. You are truly one of the greatest writers in the entire world.
Atwood: That’s very sweet of you, thank you.
Me: I think an awful lot of people would be surprised to learn that you played Fantasy Baseball.
Can you tell us here at The Knuckler how you got into it?
Atwood: As people may or may not know, I’ve always been very interested in speculative fiction, and when I heard about Fantasy Baseball, I thought it was in the same vein. You know, like Fantasy Literature, so I looked in to it. Alas, it was not, but I became fascinated by it and all the marginalized, impotent men that play it so obsessively. It’s role playing, really, where all these limited, in many cases arrested men, bond together and pretend that they’re something much more powerful than they are in the ordinary dirt of their relentlessly disappointing lives.
It’s like a religion for them, I think, a little treehouse they can retreat to and act as supreme ruler of a secular male kingdom. I have always thought that without Fantasy Baseball there would probably be an awful lot more mass shootings. Anyway, I got involved in order to research a character for one of my books and have been playing ever since.
Me: Oh.
Atwood: And I have to say, I’ve done very, very well.
Me: Good for you.
Atwood: I’m sorry, are you being sarcastic?
Me: Oh no, a marginalized, impotent shooter-type such as myself wouldn’t have a clue how to do that!
Atwood: I see.
Me: I guess you’ve just been a very lucky player!
Atwood: Lucky?
Me: Plucky. A very plucky player.
Atwood: Really?
Me: Well, let’s not get side-tracked with semantics here. So, I’m sure all of The Knuckler’s readers would love to hear what your Fantasy Baseball team is called!
Atwood: The Blind Assassins.
Me: Oh.
Atwood: Mister Murray, I have to say, you sound disappointed.
Me: Well, coming from a “literary genius” you’d expect something a little more imaginative and eloquent. It seems lazy and nakedly self-promotional to name your team after one of your own books, especially if it wasn’t good enough to be an Oprah Pick or made into a movie.
Atwood: What is your team called?
Me: Mike’s Mashers.
Atwood: That’s very clever. How are they doing this year?
Me: They’ve been savaged by injuries I’m afraid, so it looks like I’ll be rebuilding again.
Atwood: Again, eh? So, how long have you been playing Fantasy Baseball?
Me: I don’t know, 25 years?
Atwood: Have you ever won?
Me: Ha, ha, ha! Have I ever won? What a funny question! Let me tell you, I’ve more than held my own.
Atwood: But have you ever won? Have you ever finished in first place? Have you tasted the sort of victory that for a moment erases all those memories of being the last pick, of being mocked for throwing like a girl, of all those many, many times of being over-looked by the more talented and beautiful?
Have you ever had your revenge, Mister Murray?
Unfortunately, I suffered an asthma attack at this point during the interview and we had to suspend our chat.
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Me: Thanks so much for sitting down with me.
Jane: It’s my pleasure, jobs, justice and particularly climate change are the defining issues of our times, and with what little time I have left, I want to do all I can to bring attention to them.
Me: Of course, of course. Nice hat, by the way—I think it says, “Let’s Change The World Now!” At any rate, you said, “with what little time I have left,” how old are you?
Jane: I am 77 years-old, and fortunately I’m in good health and have lots of energy, so I’m very hopeful that I can keep using my celebrity to bring attention to these causes before it’s too late.
Me: My mother is 77 years-old and she doesn’t look anything like you. Practically a different species.
Jane: I’m sure your mother is a very, very lovely woman, although looking at you I’d think she was much older than 77. But anyway, I’m from Hollywood and I’ve had so much work done I’m practically a cyborg.
Me: Ha!! A sex-cyborg! That’s funny! I’d love to see a Jane Fonda sex-cyborg. I hope the Japanese invent one after you’re dead. But back to the interview. You can imagine how confusing it was for me growing up to have you on one hand, a hot star I wanted to have sex with, and my mother on the other hand– and both being the same age! Very mixed-up– still am, I guess!!
Jane: Well, I hope you got some help for that. That’s one of the good things about Canada, it has universal health care so that people with mental illnesses such as yourself, can be treated.
Me: I loved you in Barbarella. When you made that film, did you have any idea how many strip clubs in North America were going to name themselves Barbarella’s? There must be hundreds, probably thousands.
Jane: The sex industry is a very complicated one, but what is clear is that women should have the right to do what they want with their bodies, be it free choice, stripping or prostitution. We need to enact laws to protect and empower women so that they’re in control of their bodies and lives, treated fairly and in a safe environment.
Me: Okay, good point. This one is a three-parter: Is acting a form of prostitution? Does Hollywood treat women fairly? Do you have sex with all of your leading men, or women, such as the case may be?
Jane: Yes, I think that acting is a form of prostitution, and…
Me: I have never in all of my years been to a prostitute. Never had to pay for it.
Jane: As I was saying, Hollywood has a long, long way to go before men and women are treated equally, particularly older women. Once you hit a certain age, the roles just vanish and you become invisible!
Me: Which is why you’re at a rally in Canada instead of, saying, selling aerobics videos
or starring as a lawyer or sexy, mean matriarch in some movie. I get it. They say that women in Hollywood have a best before date, a point where they become unfuckable. Do you think you became unfuckable, and if so, at what point in your career? Maybe Stanley and Iris or Monster-in-Law?
Jane: (Gets up and leaves)
]]>Dustin Brown:
I don’t really have, uh, words to explain how I’m feeling right now. Again, uh, you know, to be the first King to touch that cup is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”
Anze Kopitar:
It feels great to bring 20, 000 people to their feet just by lifting a silver jug over your head. It’s a very humbling feeling and pretty exciting, like getting drunk with your father for the first time. Good, dizzy feeling!
Jonathan Quick:
Unbelievable. I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. It’s just awesome. I don’t even think I can tell you in words. I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get when you’re running away from the cops, you know, and at a certain point, after you’re really exhausted and you think you’re done and headed to jail, you realize you’ve lost ‘em and you’re free. Yeah, that’s it.
Drew Doughty:
It’s so weird, man, but it feels completely like being high. Oh man, like, I probably shouldn’t have said that but I’m from the west coast. Represent! But all these people screaming, it’s just a trip, a crazy, perfect trip!
Slava Voynov:
I remember as a young boy I was dared by some older boys to shoplift something from the corner store. I was very scared to do so, but I was also very scared to not do so, and so I knotted myself into courage and took some gum and slipped it in my pocket and walked out of the store. It was incredible feeling, like breaking pane of glass with rock! All the other boys now looked at me with respect and I felt like I had become a man, an Alpha, and that is what it feels like to win the cup! (And then he roared.)
Willie Mitchell:
How does it feel? It feels like being a king, like signing my first multi-year contract!!!
Rob Scuderi:
I don’t know what to say, I just feel so bad for the Devils, because I know that they really, really tried hard. I just don’t feel much like celebrating. They must all feel so lonely, so lost…I’m sorry– I’m just feeling a little emotional right now.
Mike Richards:
This is incredible. You dream about it a million times, but then for it to finally happen, I mean, wow, just fucking wow.
Jarret Stoll:
It’s awesome, just awesome, like when the Vicodin sets in, you know?
Andrei Loktionov:
It’s like crazy Russian sex with tennis star. Like that one time, when we used the animal masks, before she got famous.
