Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that Jose Canseco will now be serving as the US ambassador to Pakistan.
Donald J Trump: Jose Canseco, great guy and helluva ballplayer. Got to know him well on Celebrity Apprentice. Made great pizza under pressure. Only used the highest quality ingredients. Shouted out the orders clearly.
Donald J Trump: Didn’t always like the way he looked at Ivanka, but what can you do? He’s a man. I’m her father, and I still look. What curves. She’s a 10.
Donald J Trump: Jose has slept with countless women. Quality, deluxe women.
Donald J Trump: But not Ivanka.
Donald J Trump: Pakistania, lock up your ladies!
Donald J Trump: Very proud to announce that still hot ex-supermodel Nicki Taylor is the new US Ambassador to Russia.
Donald J Trump: Way she handled Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice made it clear to me that she can handle whatever you throw at her.
Donald J Trump: You can thank me later, Russia.
Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that the great WWE superstar star Goldberg, will now be the US Ambassador to the Jews.
Donald J Trump: Pure winner. Went 173 matches without a single loss. Commanding presence on Celebrity Apprentice. Can lift a helicopter over his head.
Donald J Trump: Should really turn things around for the Jews– bring our people closer together after all Hillary did to tear us apart.
Donald J Trump: Palestinia, you better watch your step.
Donald J Trump: Proud to announce that the beautiful Kaitlyn Schoeffel, Miss New Jersey 2017, will be the new US Ambassador to casinos all around the world.
Donald J Trump: Real firecracker.
Donald J Trump: Kaitlyn isn’t just another hot lady in a bathing suit, but is also an incredible dancer with great, American values and manners.
Donald J Trump: Beauty Pageant questions are tough. No way to prepare. HUGE challenge for ordinary people.
Donald J Trump: But not Kaitlyn, knocked the question about confederate statues out of the park! Just wow.
Donald J Trump: Real team player. Never hear about a sexual harassment suit from her. Class act, class ass. Perfect for the casino community.
This is his first press conference:
************************************
3:24 P.M. EDT
Elmo: Hi everybody!
Guess what Elmo is thinking about today!!
Afghanistan!!!
Afghanistan starts with the letter A!!
Do you know what else starts with the letter A??
Attitude! Elmo hopes all of you people in the press have really good attitudes today!!
President Trump is ordering another 4,000 troops into Afghanistan. President Trump took over a mess, and now America, and her global allies and partners, are going to make things a lot messier! Elmo loves to make a mess! Do you like to make a mess? America will be making a mess of terrorists in order to clean up the mess the previous administration made of Afghanistan! So remember, America will not be nation building, America will be killing terrorists!
Terrorists are bad!
Yay, America!!
Can you guess what else Elmo is thinking about today?
Anybody??
No?
Ha, ha! Maybe you want to dance with Elmo? Elmo just loves to dance!
( Elmo dances)
Oh, Elmo so tired from dancing, Elmo almost forgot what Elmo was thinking about! Elmo remember! Elmo was thinking about Fake News!
Boo, Fake News, Boo!
Fake News is just about as bad as the terrorists!! Poor President Trump, he just wants to make America great again, and he has to fight terrorists AND fake news!! Such a hero!! Elmo loves heroes! Let’s all stand up and clap our hands for heroes!! Yay!!!
Elmo wants to say that although it is true President Trump briefly sized up the sun during yesterday’s eclipse, the President is not blind and is in perfect health!
That was fake news!! Elmo hates fake news! Elmo thinks that President Trump has such energy he might live forever! He is healthiest, most patriotic President of all time!! But even if the President had suffered significant blurring and fading of his vision during his encounter with the sun, which he hasn’t, there have been many great blind people in history! Do you like history?? Elmo loves history!
History says that America is great!
History also says that Daredevil was blind! And even blind Daredevil could still destroy all his enemies!!
Maybe Daredevil will visit Afghanistan?! Elmo thinks that would be so much fun! Wouldn’t that be fun?!
Remember to check Twitter to see when Daredevil might be appearing in Afghanistan!!
History also says that the great poet Milton was also blind, as well as musician Jose Feliciano!
And look, here’s Mister Jose Feliciano! Would you play a song for Elmo Mister Feliciano?!
Yay!! But first, Elmo thinks it is important to say that Mister Jose Feliciano is from Puerto Rico, not Mexico as many seem to think!
Elmo loves you Mister Jose Feliciano, thank you for the beautiful song!
Such a fun press conference!
Before Elmo leaves today Elmo wants to say just a few words about Jerry Lewis. That man kept us all laughing for over half a century, and his incredible charity work touched the lives of millions. Jerry lived the American Dream—he truly loved his country, and his country loved him back. Our thoughts are with his family today as we remember the extraordinary life of one of our greatest entertainers and humanitarians. Thank you, Jerry. You will be missed.
Elmo loves you all!!
Kiss, kiss!
]]>1:40 P.M. EDT
MR. SPICER: Good afternoon. First off, yes, it’s true. Arby’s will officially be designated “America’s Roast Beef, Yes Sir!” After expert negotiations, President Trump will be signing an executive order this afternoon that will establish a formal marketing partnership between Arby’s and the United States of America. We hope and expect that this will prove mutually beneficial to both parties for years to come.
On a personal note I want to say that I worked at an Arby’s when I was a teenager growing up in Rhode Island back in the 80’s. We used to have quite a few vacationing gays come in looking for an affordable and delicious meal, and although most people were scared of their disease, I never had a problem with them.
I found them to be a very tidy people. You could always tell which table they’d been eating at because it was just so clean.
Anyhow, Arby’s makes the best sandwich in America, as President Trump knows, and if you’re ever driving by an Arby’s you should stop and try one of their Roast Beef Gyro’s.
The classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita. Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.
$4.29.
A great deal. The kind of deal that only President Donald Trump could negotiate for America.
You’d be an idiot not to buy that gyro.
A real, goddamned idiot.
On another note, drug abuse has crippled communities across this nation. In 2015, more than 52,000 Americans — that’s 144 people a day — died from a drug overdose. And a lot of those people were white. Keep in mind that this all happened under Barack Obama’s watch. I’m not saying he orchestrated this White Holocaust– although we have received a variety of intelligence reports indicating that might be the case– I’m just pointing out the facts so that you can make up your own minds.
Okay press monkeys, let’s play a game.
I want you now to imagine that terrorists killed 144 predominately white Americans each day. Imagine them in their orange jumpers. On fire in cages and stuff.
If that was the case there wouldn’t be a terrorist left on the planet under this administration. We would have killed them all. And their families. Even their pitiful animals. But as you know, you can’t always drop a bomb on your problems, perhaps even more so when those problems belong to your own people, and so President Trump is working on a joint initiative with Pfizer to create a new and safer opiate for all the despairing Americans who lost their manufacturing jobs to illegals. Pfizer, an exemplary company with revenues exceeding 50 billion per year, will be familiar to many of you in the press corps because you gobble Zoloft and Viagra like candy.
If it wasn’t for Pfizer, half of you would be on the street.
In other new, President Trump has Tweeted Direct Messages to the King of Saudi Arabia, the Prime Minister of Japan and the Acting President of South Korea concerning the United States’ military strike on the airfield in Syria, and oh, look, there’s Ivanka!
What a vision in a floral print!
Stunning, just stunning.
That Ivanka Trump line is really something else!
Let’s give her a round of applause!
Okay, we’ve run out of time and the questions will have to wait for another time! Please help yourself to the Arby’s spread at the back of the room! Thank you all very much for attending!
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He’s been Donald Trump’s personal physicians for the last dozen years or so, and is responsible for declaring Trump to be the healthiest man ever elected to the Presidency. He took a lot of flak for that, as you might imagine, and for the way he looks, too, so the transition from private to public life has been pretty traumatic. Consequently, Dr. Bornstein started to see a psychiatrist. What follows are some fragments from their hacked sessions:
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Bornstein: I had a dream a few days ago where I was in the Oval Office and accidentally walked in on President Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. They were having sex in the hovering butterfly position. I had a vision of the earth consumed in flames, and then all of my teeth started falling out.
********************************************
Psychiatrist: You seem bothered, Harold. Is there something on your mind?
Bornstein: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that America is great again, and I LOVE being the Surgeon General, but I’m starting to have some doubts about the Flesh Wall we’re building along the US/Mexico border.
We have no idea what sort of biological reactions are going to take place within that wall, and those reactions could be just as grave a threat as ISIS.
Psychiatrist: Have you spoken up about your feelings?
Bornstein: No.
Psychiatrist: We’ve had this talk a few times already, (about 90 seconds of inaudible talking)
Bornstein: I know, I know, I know, dammit!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!!
***************************************
Bornstein: In this dream Ivanka and I are beamed up into into a flying saucer. The aliens want us naked. We look at one another and understand.
Words are not needed. Our clothes fall away and we are naked and beautiful. Children of the universe. The aliens want us to couple. They need our beauty and fertility. My desire for Ivanka is almost overwhelming, and I can see that her desire for me is equally matched. As I pull her naked body to mine, I could see the earth, a distant blue jewel through the window just past her honey perfect shoulder. And then suddenly– due to something I knew her father had done– the earth just exploded, and as the UFO cartwheeled away from the shock waves, I was ejected naked and erect into space, where I spun alone for cold eternity.
********************************************
Last night I dreamt that a Mexican had shot the President.
I was working feverishly trying to save his life, but there was just so much blood! It was everywhere, even in my nostrils, but I keep working and working and then just when it looked like he was going to survive, I started to stab him until he was nothing more than meat for the Flesh Wall, and then I paused, took a deep breath, and then just keep stabbing.
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Me: That’s not true.
Me: I hate Donald Trump.
Me: Yes, I do.
Me: I really do.
Me: What on earth makes you think I don’t?
Me: The way I’ve been shaking hands?
Me: Look, I’ve always had a strong, Presidential handshake. It’s one of the things that attracted you to me, you know that!
Me: Oh C’mon, Justin Trudeau didn’t beat him! The media, so many lies! So unfair!!
Me: Trudeau was just trying so hard to be macho. Sad.
Me: Fake. Not true
Me: I am not talking like Trump now.
Me: Trudeau’s a bad hombre.
Me: Bigly.
Me: You see the way he was ogling Ivanka?
Me: Disgusting.
Me: An embarrassment to Canada.
Me: No, you’re an embarrassment to Canada.
Me: You are, too.
Me: Hell, I don’t even think you root for Canada during the Olympics.
Me: You’re not a patriot.
Me: You’re not helping to Make Mike Great Again.
Me: You’re a disruptive technology.
Me: Sorry????
Me: My Google Autofill?
Me: That’s a sacred precinct!
Me: You shouldn’t be poking around in there!!
Me: Well, I really don’t know why “Trump Anime Sex Fantasies” showed up there.
Me: Probably some keys Jones hit by accident.
Me: That little nugget gets into everything!
Me: What?
Me: He did what?
Me: Fuck!
Me: That was a gift from my sister.
Me. Sentimental value. Huge sentimental value.
Me: Don’t have a clue where I’m going to find another The Apprentice: The Board Game.
Me: Jesus. I feel sad.
Me: That was a fun game.
Me: Better than fucking Catan.
Me: Who wants to buy goddamn wheat?
Me: Really, you think you can make an night of it with friends “buying wheat?”
Me: Please.
Me: My attitude is fine.
Me: Anyway, we’ll see how he feels when I destroy his dog toy.
Me: I swear to God, that dog is evil.
Me: It is, too. The tail wags for no reason.
Me: No!! There was no battery in it!
Me: Really!
Me: It was creeping me out so much I removed all the batteries, but it still barked and tilted its head!
Me: Oh.
Me: I just thought there was the one spot for batteries.
Me: Who ever heard of two spots for batteries?!
Me: That’s insane!
Me: Whatever.
Me: Still think it’s possessed.
Me: Gonna murder us all in our sleep.
Me: I am going to build a wall around that dog and make Jones pay for it.
Me: No, watching Poltergeist hasn’t poisoned me against a toy dog!
Me: Well, maybe.
Me: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Me: I had forgotten how scary that movie is.
Me: Netflix should be more careful with the types of movies they broadcast.
Me: Yes, I was.
Me: Have you ever watched Poltergeist stoned?
Me: Fucking terrifying.
Valentine’s Day Press Briefing by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer:
************************
Mr. Spicer: Good afternoon, everybody. Thanks for coming.
As some of the assembled press here might already know, but probably don’t, on account of being spineless merchants of ignorance and lies, is that today is Valentine’s Day.
Named after St. Valentine.
A Christian.
A Christian who was killed by Muslims.
I want those words to sit there for a moment and sink in.
No! No questions yet! We’re going to have a little time-out here and think about Muslims killing an an innocent Christian. A super Christian. The Tom Brady of Christians . That’s right, that’s how goddamn good Saint Valentine was, he was like Tom Brady.
And the Muslims killed him.
Do you know how he was killed?
Anyone?
No? Not one of you geniuses in the press corps has any idea? No, I didn’t think so.
Torture.
He was tortured to death.
Okay, moving on, I’d like to wish my lovely wife Rebecca a Happy Valentine’s Day– baby, you’re the light of my life! They say behind every great man is a great woman, and they’re right, they’re right, Rebecca.
However, the story dominating the news cycle today is the handshake between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Jerry Trudeau of Canada.
Jerry Trudeau, as you could all see– it was plain as day– has smaller hands than President Trump. Much smaller. It was funny how small they were. The President firmly guided the direction, intensity and length of the handshake. He was in full control at all times. Additionally, Ivanka, a world-class beauty, is much more attractive than Sonja, the Prime Minister’s wife. Is she older than him? We will look into that, but I believe that Sonja is older than Trudeau. Sorry? What did you say, Kellyanne? I can’t hear you above the howling from the media cages! Okay, okay, got it. Sonja is 7 years older than the Prime Minister and has had work done. How much work we are not yet sure.
President Trump, as you all know, can get any woman on the planet, and certainly would never have to stoop to marrying a woman older than him.
Saturday Night Live continues to disgust.
There is no greater example of the corrupt and biased media than this treasonous show. For the record, I was never known as “Sean Sphincter” in high school. Nothing but malicious, mean-spirited lies. Our intelligence service has discovered that next week SNL were planning on having ISIS as their special guest.
Not on our watch.
The President takes the security of the American people very seriously, in fact it is his highest priority, and from this point forward all operations at Saturday Night Live and Nordstrom will be suspended indefinitely. They are welcome to operate out of Iraq and see how they like it there. Additionally, Playboy magazine will be bringing back nudity.
National Security Adviser Michael Flynn has retired in order to spend more time with his family. Here is the full statement from Michael Flynn.
“Working with Donald Trump has been the single greatest honour of my personal and professional life. Secure in the knowledge that the world is in his large, powerful hands, I regretfully tender my resignation, effective immediately, so that I can spend more time with my family.”
Before ending I just want to congratulate Adele for her victory over Beyonce at the Grammy’s.
Very well deserved. All lives matter, people, all lives matter.
Okay, that’s a wrap.
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What a beautiful couple we were. Really, you could have put us on an album cover. That album? It would have sold millions and millions and millions of copies. Best selling album in history. Captain and Tennille? Forget about ’em. We would have blown them out of the water. Losers.
That thing Ivana is wearing on her head?
Not a swim cap.
Not cancer.
Very European. Very classy. VERY expensive.
What do you think the thread count is on those sheets? 500? 800? Maybe 1000?
1200.
That’s right, 1200.
Egyptian cotton.
The finest in the world.
Ivanka is such a beautiful woman. So very talented. Have you seen her ski? Amazing. Could have been an Olympian if she wanted. But the truth is that she was never very good at art. Always used to hire other kids to do her drawings in school. This one was done by some Chinese. Ivanka, such a smart businesswoman. Her IQ might even be as high as mine. Such an improvement on her mother.
I was asked to do Playgirl. Many, many times. So many times I can’t even count. And the amount of money they offered me? You would not believe. The most ever. It was like the same amount they would have paid Jesus. Never did it, though. Didn’t like the idea of fruits getting off on me. Just disgusting, that. Anyway fruits, I guess today is your lucky day.
I get people to shave my chest now.
Bannon took me to that party a few years ago.
So much quality ass.
The ladies there had the best skin in the world. They were just as smooth as a bunch of billiard balls. Probably all used French moisturizers. I had sex with many, many of the girls that night– some with the masks, some without. It was hard work to stay hydrated.
Met Jamie Lee Curtis at a Planet Hollywood back in the 80’s.
Went on a date with her. Very uneventful, but let me tell you, those rumours of her having, you know, both sexes? Not true. All woman.
This is a more recent photo. Here I’m just roaming the White House late at night exploring. The place is really third rate. Desperately needs an update. If it was a contestant in a beauty contest? Boob, nose, eye job and liposuction just for starters. Reminds me. Walked in on one of the cleaning ladies changing the other day. You can do that when you’re President.
You think Obama didn’t?
C’mon!
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The other day President-elect Donald Trump gathered his cabinet together for a round of golf and some frank talk about America.
A transcript of their conversation in the locker room of Trump National Golf Course in Westchester, NY was leaked to the press:
*******************************
Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:
Hey, you bitches know Florida, right?
General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:
Total smoke show.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
That baby got back!
Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:
Testify!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
I love her coasts. Superb coasts. The best coasties in all of America. I love to get right in there, stick my face in the them and just splash them all around.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
It is no Russian propaganda that you sir, are the the greatest man on the planet!
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
You da man! Big dog always huntin’!
Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:
She ever let you into her Everglades?
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Let me tell you, her Everglades are very exclusive, like so, so super exclusive that you wouldn’t even believe, and let me tell you, I have been to her Everglades many, many, many times. She can’t get enough. When I’m with her, I make it rain.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
You’re the RainMaker, sir!
General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:
I once had a layover in Delaware. Did some real drilling there, let me tell you, yeah, some real drilling.
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Delaware?! She’s a village bicycle. Disease infested. Strictly bottom-rung. Not even a 6 out of 10.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
Yo, you better get yourself checked by your doctor, could have the crabs.
Donald Trump, President-elect:
“Brain Surgeon!” Give The General here an examination, tell us if Delaware gave him the clap.
Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:
I can tell from here he’s got SDD, Small Dick Disease, and that it’s terminal!
Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:
That sick burn pleases the Lord!!
( High-fives and laughter from all)
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
Anyone playing Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare?
Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:
Fucking rules. Took three Ativan and played it for eight straight hours last night.
Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:
Zombie mode is the tits!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Okay, okay, girls, let’s focus. Listen up. Okay. There’s a black guy and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving?
(The cabinet is silent)
Donald Trump, President-elect:
The cop!!
(The cabinet howls with laughter!)
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:
You got to Tweet that one, President-elect!
Donald Trump, President-elect:
Okay, who lost that round of golf? Was it Ross the Loss? No? “Brain Surgeon”? Was it you? Bad Hombre Priebus? No, okay we’ll make it Sloppy Second Pence. Pence you’re today’s loser and have to buy us all dinner. Has to be an exceptional meal, super exceptional, the very best, and if it is, I’ll bring out those Sarah Palin hot tub pics I was telling you about.
