We’re related, although the mechanics of this familial connection remain distant and unknown, and we only met once at a huge wedding about 15 years ago in Chicago. I thought we got along entirely brilliantly, but he proved reluctant to continue any sort of correspondence or relationship with me after the fact, growing more and more biting and bitter–as many aging actors who have never won an Oscar do– as the years passed and my career took off while he played the voice of Garfield in some movies.
At any rate, as some sort of promotion associated with the Toronto International Film Festival, Friday was declared Bill Murray Day and I was asked by a local publication if I would use my “special access” to the faded star to secure an interview. This is the result:
Dear Bill:
It’s your cousin Michael here, the funny Murray. Remember me? I was the one wearing the bowtie at the wedding in Chicago in 1998. I requested I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith at the party and because you were a really big ham and sang it to the wedding couple in that cheesy-we’ve-all-seen-it-a-million-times-way, it became “their song” and everybody thought you were a hero.
Nice one, Bill. Anyway, it didn’t end well for that couple. Botched murder-suicide. Not that you’d care.
I have some questions that a newspaper wants me to ask you, okay?
Here they are:
1. What was it that attracted you to the role of Garfield? Was it because you were horny for Jennifer Love Hewitt? She’s less than half your age, you know.
2. What do you think of the massive nude celebrity leak? Was it a good thing for democracy?
3. Why wouldn’t you ever enter any of my fantasy baseball leagues?
4. Are you sick of making movies with Wes Anderson yet because an awful lot of people are sick of seeing you in movies by Wes Anderson?
5. Do you know any of the details regarding Traci Murray’s alien abduction back in 1987? She didn’t have any tattoos before, but three after—very puzzling. It is a great family mystery and you should perhaps consider making a movie based on it once you’re finished with the Garfield trilogy.
6. You’re a big golf fan. Would you say that’s your greatest embarrassment? If not, please explain.
7. Are you “above” correspondence? My mother always said that your side of the Murray family always thought they were “special.”
8. Did you know that I won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
9. Have you won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?
10. You made some pretty controversial remarks about Jewish people back at the wedding, would you care to take this time to elaborate upon them?
]]>What follows is a partial transcript of what some of their surveillance revealed:
2:43 am: Ford drives his Escalade, distinctive Ford You license plate and brass balls hanging from the vehicle’s undercarriage visible, into 7-11 parking lot. Tom Cochrane “Life is a Highway” plays loudly through the speakers.
2:45 am: Ford urinates against a nearby dumpster and enters store.
2:46 am: Ford buys large bag of Cheesies, opens them and begins eating them.
2:47 am: Ford says that each Cheesie is like “ a little orange blow-job,” and then offers some to the clerk.
2:48 am: Ford associate Sandro Lisi drives into the parking lot.
2:49 am: Ford asks clerk about his accent, wants to know if it was real or just something he made up.
2:50 am: Cheesie dust all over the mayor, he tells clerk that if city hall wasn’t so stuck-up, he’d speak with an accent all the time. Loves the Jamaican accent he says in Jamaican accent.
2:51 am: Ford gives clerk his business card, tells him to call if he has a pothole problem.
2:52 am: Sandro Lisi honks car horn.
2:53 am: Police receive tip from psychic that Ford might be in New Jersey. Helicopter dispatched. Possible we are currently following a double. Ford not to be underestimated.
2:54 am: Ford hurries out of 7-11, avoiding all eye contact with Lisi, unrolls Escalade driver’s side window and then goes and hides behind the dumpster.
2:55 am: Lisi, one arm in a sling, enters into 7-11 and buys a pepperette, bottle of Gatorade and a Scratch N’ Win ticket.
2:57 am: Lisi scratches ticket and wins. Very happy. Punches good arm up into air. Cashier gives him $10. Lisi buys five more tickets, scratching each one at counter. No wins. Lisi, angry, but clearly more disappointed in himself.
2:58 am Lisi leaves 7-11 and drops small parcel into front seat of Ford’s car.
3:00 am: Lisa makes cell phone call to Rob Ford. Undercover detective working as 7-11 clerk hears ringing behind dumpster. Lisi drives away
3:01 am: Rob Ford pops up from behind the dumpster and runs to car, looks in window at parcel Lisi had placed on the front seat. Does window of vehicle back up and returns to 7-11, buying rolling paper, matches and a copy of Maxim Magazine.
3:05 am: Ford exits 7-11.
3:06 am: Ford returns to 7-11, buys chocolate milk, drinks it, sticks several “Ford for Mayor” fridge magnets on a variety of products and surfaces.
3:10 am: Ford exits 7-11. Spots raccoon near dumpster, throws empty chocolate milk carton at it, shouting “Go deep, raccoon, go deep!”
3:11am: Two more raccoons emerge from shrubbery near dumpster, they all stare back at Ford with determined, glowing eyes.
3:12 am: Ford hurries into car and quickly departs parking lot.
*1 “I don’t want to be conceited and I don’t want to toot my own horn. But I believe when it comes to my fiscal policy, I am by far the best mayor the city has ever had.” Rob Ford, Nov 3, 2013
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