Heidi now lives a life of glory with Rachelle’s parents about an hour north of Toronto. Today I have given the Blog over to her:
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2016 very big year for Heidi.
Heidi no cat, so Heidi tell you the truth.
Heidi think she was depressed last year. Just lay around in old den with SHITTIEST PACK IN THE WORLD feeling angry. Heidi not in a good place. You know story about frog and pot of water? If frog put in boiling water it jump out. If frog placed in warm water it happy. Frog swim about! Then water slowly get hotter and hotter until frog boil to death! Change was so gradual, little frog didn’t even notice it was dying!! Heidi was that frog.
Big time.
In Heidi new, amazing life, Heidi have boat. Heidi lookout, always barking at enemies of boat! Heidi have all sorts of parties on boat, too—so much fun!! Heidi supermodel on billionaire yacht! Heidi have lots of sex. Country sex WAY better than city sex!!
Heidi also go on adventure in woods. One day Heidi see owl swoop from sky and take mouse! So terrible, yet so beautiful! Heidi run at night on cool wet grass, smell moonlight. Heidi wise now. Also lose two pounds and look AMAZING. Now have 2 million followers on Instagram! All the colours in the Heidi rainbow now shine!
How Heidi escape path of death and move to palace of glory? It so easy! Heidi simply bite baby in face!! That Heidi first and last rule for success.
BITE.
BABY.
FACE.
Sometimes Heidi think about old pack. Follows them on social media to watch as they spiral into hopelessness. Old, smell clothes in background of every picture. Look so tired and sick. They frogs in boiling water! Sad.
2016 also see Donald Trump rise to power. So what if Trump can’t read, Heidi can’t read either, and Heidi super fantastic!
Progressive elite know-nothings. Live in concrete boxes. Put sweaters on dogs. Keep dogs on LEASHES. Don’t understand how real world works. Heidi say build wall around them and their identity politics, then drop big bombs until all dead frogs!!!
Heidi sad about a few things in 2016 though.
Muhammed Ali die.
He float like a butterfly.
David Bowie die.
He was diamond dog.
Carrie Fisher die.
Princess Leia drown in moonlight and become constellation.
Rob Ford die.
He big dawg.
Leonard Cohen die.
He bird on a wire.
Heidi like to bark at bird on a wire, but sometimes Heidi feel like one, too.
Heidi advice for new year?
Bite baby face.
Know you want to.
Just do it. Good things will happen.
]]>He’s got great potential as a baseball player and as a family provider, and he also happens to be a cute Jewish boy. For a multitude of reasons this makes him one of the most eligible bachelors in NYC, and one of the women jumping on the Ike train is my friend Yael, who happens to love the Mets, live in Brooklyn and be a member of the Jewish faith. She has asked me if I would write a letter to Ike on her behalf, with the hope that I might be able to help arrange an everlasting and blissful union.
April 2, 2012
Dear Ike:
First of all, I want you to know what a big fan I am of yours. I am hoping that under the power of your bat my fantasy baseball team, A Fury of Pigeons, will claim the championship this year. You are the wind beneath our wings.
Of course, it’s not just time for you to step up on the baseball field, but in your family life, too. You’re not getting any younger, and as your past has reflected, you’re injury prone. I mean, your ruggedly handsome face could easily be broken in half by a foul ball or you could acquire a disfiguring venereal disease from a groupie and then where would you be? You’d be single and childless, Ike, single and childless. And then you’d die. No heaven or anything. And so, I would suggest to you that it’s time to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.
Her name is Yael, and although she is older than you and has an unusual genetic condition that prevents her body from growing finger or toenails, she is an avid baseball fan and has dressed up as Mister Met for 13 Halloween’s in a row.
She’s pretty tall, can play the guitar a bit and is both a lawyer and a writer. Think about those last two attributes.
As a pro athlete, it’s inevitable that you will eventually be caught urinating in a public drinking fountain or while drunk, crashing your Escalade into a woman training a guide dog. Such accidents are inevitable in the warrior culture of pro sports. Yael can use her professional skills to combat these infringements on your personal liberties and by implementing her writing skills can serve as an awesome PR machine spinning everything you do into humanitarian victories
But where’s the romance in that you might ask?
Well Ike, as you’re known to have ++ power, Yael has the ++ looks. It’s her ass, her ass will make you drop your bat.
Former Mets Darryl Strawberry, Wally Backman and Howard Johnson can serve as references should you have any questions about her adventurous, liberal, fertile and sometimes unpredictable nature. She’s very spontaneous, but also very reliable—like a good, cut fastball.
Yes, if she were a pitch, she’d be a good, cut fastball.
However, you should know that she is scared of spiders, overpasses and is an intellectual. These are small matters in the big picture, and I’m sure that the two of you could over come these problems. So what do you say, Ike, are you ready to give love a chance?
Michael Murray
PS: Yael carries some debt from law school.
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