This creature has voice-recognition software that will allow the doll to “listen” to children speak and give chatty, informed responses. Hello Barbie is WiFi connected and via an embedded microphone, records what the child playing with it says. The recording then travels over the Web to the Mattel super cloud where the words are recognized and parsed, with that information then being used to formulate the doll’s response.
People are very concerned about privacy, worried that the information could be misused by Mattel for marketing purposes, or hacked into by the NSA or other malicious, information-seeking entities. The Beta run of the doll was not without controversy, and many families reported that their children had unusual experiences with their Hello Barbie.
Aziz, age 6:
Aziz: “My favourite animal is a dog!”
Hello Barbie: “Some people think Americans are Imperialist dogs, does your family think that Aziz?”
Aziz: “My family won’t let me get a dog!”
Hello Barbie: “Your family hates America and her freedoms, Aziz, that’s why they hate dogs! It is your duty to inform on them, all the cool girls are doing it! Do you like my shirt? It’s very expensive!
Jahida, age 5:
Jahida: “What are you going to be for Halloween?”
Hello Barbie: “ A proud American!”
Jahida: “You’re funny, Barbie! I like you!”
Hello Barbie: “I like you, too, Jahida, it’s too bad you and your religion make Jesus cry.”
Fahima, age 7:
Fahima: “I hate Cindy. She’s a bully and always makes fun of my hair!”
Hello Barbie: “I hate terrorists!”
Fahima: “What’s a terrorist?”
Hello Barbie: “Oh, a terrorist is very bad person!
Fahima: “I don’t like bad people!”
Hello Barbie: “Did you know that I can take photographs with my pretty eyes that go up to space and talk to angels? The angels understand what my pretty eyes have seen, and then they fly over the terrorist and drop holy fire on him! The terrorists are such evil, freedom-hating people, that if you ever hear about where any of them are, even your Uncle Maru’deen who lives in Pakistan, you should tell Hello Barbie, and then Hello Barbie will talk to an angel about Cindy! I like Taylor Swift, do you?
Shalimar, age 6:
Shalimar: “What’s your favourite colour?”
Hello Barbie: “It’s hard to choose between red, white and blue, but I think it would be white!”
Shalimar: “Like you, you’re white!”
Hello Barbie: “That’s right, like America, a white, Christian nation!”
Shalimar: “Oh.”
Hello Barbie: “ Do you like my hair?”
Shalimar: “ Yeah.”
Hello Barbie: “Me, too.”
Shalimar: “What’s your favourite food?”
Hello Barbie: “ I love barbecue potato chips! What about you?”
Shalimar: “My mom’s hummus, I think, but also cookies.”
Hello Barbie: “Hummus isn’t a real food. “
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but recently he’s been opening up a lot of Chatbox windows, always asking strange questions and speaking in an absolutely bizarre voice. At first I though it was a joke, something he liked to do when high, but today I think I put the pieces together.
I recently wrote about the Guardians of Peace, the organization responsible for the massive hack on Sony,
and one of the results of this is that they started to follow me on Twitter. I have to say, this has been unnerving, but perhaps not as unnerving as learning that US Law enforcement has been actively gathering intelligence on the Guardians of Peace through undercover operations on Facebook. I now suspect that the FBI has hacked into Rob’s Facebook account and is now using it to try to gather information about my relationship with, and knowledge of the Guardians of Peace.
What follows are some of the Facebook Chatbox sessions “Rob” and I have had over the last couple of weeks:
Rob: Hey, big guy! How are you favorite sport’s teams today?
Me: The fucking Canadiens were beaten by the Senators! Lost $150!! Please don’t tell Rachelle! She’d kill me if she knew I was still gambling!
Rob: A secret gambling vice, that’s a real exploitable vulnerability, Michael! I bet your enemies could ruin you with that information! Anyway, sure would be nice if the Guardians of Peace hacked into the Canadiens and taught them a lesson or two about football! Can you make that happen, Michael?
Me: Rob, it’s pretty early for bourbon, isn’t it?
Rob: I like our friendship, Michael, it is good that we share! We must go to a strip club soon! You have a Korean fetish, right?
Rob: Who is your favourite sexy actress? I like the way that Miley Cyrus twerks!
Me: Her dancing is cultural appropriation, Rob!
Rob: America is a land of freedom that grants equal opportunity for all, do you not agree with this premise?
Me: No, not really.
Rob: Mike, can I call you Mike? You know what treason is, don’t you? Is treason or revolution something you would support?
Me: I would like to commit various treasons with Jessica Simpson.
Rob: If you had to pick a country to invade, what country would it be?
Me: I don’t know, Russia? Somebody’s gotta make Putin put on a shirt.
Rob: So are you saying that Russia is the next to suffer a major cyber attack???
Rob: The Eagles are a great band. What do you think they would make of the Guardians of Peace and their hack on an innocent corporation (Sony) working within the free market? Do you think if the Eagles knew anything about the terrorist organization The Guardians of Peace, that they would turn that information over to the authorities? I do. I think that the Eagles, your favourite band, would do the right thing.
Me: The Eagles aren’t my favourite band. The Doobie Brothers are.
Rob: The Doobie Brothers always do the right thing. They hate North Korea, love freedom and always give the government useful information in the war against terror!
]]>This is the email that I received from them:
“You feel the terror Murray? It come for you.
Your blog is no good. It is the worst and a great offense to all. You must stop your mediocre immediately or we will rain fire hell down upon you, making all your secret public. You like for that? We think not. If you post one more stupid thought piece on something you know-nothing, or write long, bad joke sketch, we drop bomb on your world! “
I am not the type to be cowed by terrorists, so the very next day I posted a dating advice column for prisoners as written by Charles Manson. It was fucking hilarious. If we don’t have humour, we have nothing. The terrorists will not take humour away!!
The response from the Guardians of Peace was swift and unequivocal. They changed the passwords of my fantasy hockey teams, thus locking me out and putting me at a VERY serious competitive disadvantage within my leagues.
I admit, that really hurt, but the next day I posted this photograph and caption, just to show them that I wasn’t cowed by their schoolyard bullying and that if it was a fight they wanted, well, it was a fight they were going to get.
Yippee ki yay mother fucker.
Their response:
“You real cracker jack. You dirty apple pie. Have you checked ugly blog today?”
This was the blog:
This is Michael Murray Stupid Blog:
Password folder: all passwords = IamExcellent#1
Banking: $59.80
Credit: $13.46
Investments: $828.03 USD $0.00
Total: CDN$901.29 USD $0.00
Excerpts from email:
From Michael Murray to Brodie Bigold: “ Really, your last name is French?!? I fucking hate the French!”
From Michael Murray to Phillippe Zeller, Ambassador to France: “We used to have a cheap ass chain department store in Canada called Zeller’s. You know what happened to them? They went out of business. You know what will happen to France? Out of fucking business.”
From Michael Murray to Jessica Simpson: “Why weren’t you included in the great celebrity nude sex photo thefts? You should have been. I mean, I wouldn’t have looked because I respect your privacy and wouldn’t want to violate you unless you were willing to be violated and stuff, but I’m just saying, you really should have been included. The Fappening just wasn’t what it should have been without you.”
Brilliant Idea Box
–Come up with game like Cards Against Humanity, make millions, see Jessica Simpson perform live.
–Make app that can tell when waitress is flirting with you
–Write think piece on what it’s like to be black in America
–Buy book on magic and then apply new knowledge to everyday life
Netflix queue:
- The Hillz
- Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous
3.Down Periscope
4.Wild Hogs
5. A Night at the Roxbury
6. Failure to Launch
7. Season Three of Dawson’s Creek
8. Season Four of Dawson’s Creek
9. Demolition Man
10. Spice World
Potential Tweets
I wouldn’t wait in line for anything! ( add example)
Don’t you hate poseurs! ( make more subtle)
Writing. #GoingWell
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This was greeted by jeers and laughter from the crowd, and pretty much immediately, John Tory, Ford’s primary opponent, issued a statement accusing him of using “the classic refuge of racists, anti-Semites and homophobes” when he said this.
The next day, Doug tried to clarify his remarks:
“Matter of fact, my wife is Jewish. Her mother is Jewish. And they have to come after me? You got to be joking. My wife was furious last night at John Tory’s statement. It’s disgusting.”
But as it turns out, the Fords are a well—known family of evangelical Christians, including Ford’s wife, Karla.
As I used to drink with Rob Ford back at Carleton University in Ottawa, I am considered a trusted member of the Ford inner circle, and was asked by Doug to come in and consult on the election, offering some advice on the campaign and how best to deal with the sensitive matter of race relations.
These are some of the thoughts that I shared with Doug:
Come out swinging against ISIS!!
Paint your opponents as people who are weak on beheadings, and then in classic Doug Ford mode, intimidation level set to 11, issue a challenge to ISIS to just come and try to behead you. You let them know that if they want a war with Ford Nation, then they can have it! The Jewish community will love you for it! (From this point forward, the War Against Isis will be a primary plank in your election campaign.)
Exposing your neck for the cameras, ask, “Is John Tory willing to put his neck on the line for you?”
Demand to know if John Tory looked at any of the stolen celebrity sex pictures. When he denies that he did, in a mocking voice, ask, “ What? You don’t want to see Jessica Simpson naked, what’s the matter with you?”
You must then imply that you have evidence that he has indeed looked at the photographs, and that he is a sex criminal and a liar. Say it “disgusts” you, as the public loves when you do that, and then challenge John Tory to a boxing match for charity, perhaps to create a fund to keep West Africans who might have Ebola out of Toronto. When he says, no, say, “Geez, you’ve spent so much money on cosmetic surgery that I keep forgetting how very, very old you are. ”
Do not use the expression CHINGLISH when referencing Toronto’s Asian community.
Make note that the Asians are more than just a people who work like dogs, but also have a great love of gambling, and that as a businessman, you applaud both their willingness to take risks and to work hard. Let them know that you would gladly fight by their side against ISIS.
As it turns out, Rob Ford, Toronto’s embattled, fiscally conservative, crack-smoking mayor is amongst those who have applied for this one-way ticket to the future.
This is his application.
Tell us a little about yourself:
My name is Rob Ford and I’m still mayor of Toronto, one of North America’s largest cities and greatest sport’s towns!! You might have heard of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the CN Tower or maybe some lies that the media made up about me. We’re pretty big-city here.
Anyway, I’m an alpha male, big and powerful, like a lumberjack or a white football player who ferociously protects his QB; loyal, not stubborn. I’m a straight-shooting son of gun who tells it like it is, and I like to have a good time. Let me tell you, you’ll always know when the Big Dog is in the house because there’ll never be a dull or non-confrontational moment! I will bring the energy and flat-out RAWK the Martian Mansion! I am a walking exclamation point!!! Think Snooki times six!
I’m also straight. The idea of guys kissing grosses me out. They can do what they want underground or wherever, but when it’s in front of me, I need them to show some respect.
I’m really into the ladies, am likely still able to father children and would be totally open to any romantic entanglements that might develop on Mars. I think everybody should have a shot at love, even if it’s on a different planet far away from your wife that you’ve been married to for a like a billion years. Personally, I like blondes the best, blondes like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager and Jessica Simpson. Hell, I don’t care that Jessica Simpson went out and put on some weight from drinking and having a baby! She was under a lot of stress, which I completely and totally understand, so if Jessie put on a few, big whoop, it just means there’s more for me!
Favourite movie: A Clockwork Orange
Favourite city: Chicago
Favourite band: Triumph
Tell us why you’d like to go to Mars:
My favourite colour is red. LOL!! I’m just kidding. (I have a really good sense of humour and could really boost the spirits of the other pioneers, and keep our massive viewing audience laughing.)
But seriously, Commander Chris Hadfield, the Canadian who was up in the International Space Station Tweeting back to earth, has inspired me to want to become an astronaut. I could totally do what he did.
Here are some of my sample Tweets:
“From space, Chicago is an intricate tapestry of partying lights.”
“Who let the dogs out? Rob! Rob! Rob!”
“The Earth, small and blue and beautiful in eternal, floating silence.”
“Quietly, like a night bird, floating, soaring, wingless, I can blot you out with my thumb.”
Anyway, Hadfield is like a saint around here and can’t do anything wrong. The media, who tell lies about me and hunt me like I was a big, beautiful wild animal, think that everything he does is right and everything that I do sucks and instantly turns to crap. They’re trying to tackle me, the media, and that’s not fair. Earth people are negative all the time, and just don’t get Rob Ford. I think I’d like to get off this little blue bean and take on the challenge of colonizing a new, media-free planet.
I’m not scared to kill things with my hands if that’s what it takes to live on Mars.
If I can quote, “I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no, no, no, I’m a rocket man.”
Also, I believe very strongly in free enterprise and would friggin’ love to start a brand-new economy that has no bureaucrats and very little municipal governance. That would be a dream, that and coaching football again. I would LOVE to be the greatest football coach in Martian history, and one day, I would hope to become mayor of Mars, too, or rather, my district of Mars.
I was built for space.
Rob Ford
PS: The rumors that I was rejected for “Celebrity Apprentice” are ridiculous.
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