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R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she’s still in high school.

R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.

R: Hot?

R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?

R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.

R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?

R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, “Is she hat?”

R: It doesn’t make any sense.

R: It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for you to have written.

R: Of course, of course, I’m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.

R: Look, you can’t bring Fassbender into this, that’s not fair.

R: Whatever.

R: Look, let’s just get past this, okay?

R: Yes, I love you, too.

R: It’s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.

R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.

R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.

R: I wonder if her parent’s know she’s doing this?

R: She’d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that’s for sure.

R: Well, I’m on a Paleo diet now.

R: And I have a workout schedule.

R: I know.

R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.

R: Not so much anymore.

R: It’s true, my love.

R: You have these, I don’t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.

R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.

R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.

R: I don’t think so, dear.

R: I just don’t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.

R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.

R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.

R: It is true.

R: And then there’s the academics.

R: You’re good at other things, yes.

R: I don’t know how much Jesus weighed.

R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.

R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.

R: He’d be an awesome motivator.

R: You’ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?

R: Just you and him in the final.

R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?

R: I’m not sure I understand your strategy.

R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.

R: You’re right, that is a good argument ender.

R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?

R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.

R: Like Paleoiths.

R: I’ll be home around 7:00.

R: xoxo

I’m a pretty busy guy so I don’t have an awful lot of time for reading, but I tell you, I wish I did. I love that feeling when you’re reading a good book, like one by Stephen King, and you just can’t stop turning the pages! It’s like a friggin’ addiction or something and you just have to know who’s gonna be the next to get killed, you know? So exciting. Reading, it’s a real passion, if I had the time.

So on my bookcases you can see all sorts of stuff. This is a football. I got it a Bill’s game. It’s signed by Jim Kelly, the best goddamn passer of his era. I tell you, he wasn’t afraid of taking a hit in order to make the pass. Class act, Jim Kelly, class act.

Over here we have my bobble-head doll. I look a little slimmer in it than real life, I guess, ha-ha! And this is a Toronto Argonaut football helmet radio. Had it since I was a kid.

This is the Bible, written by God, obviously. I take a lot of inspiration from it. Means a lot to me. Really, really would have liked to have to sat down and had a pint or two with Jesus. He was a real man of the people. This one is Chicken Soup for the Soul. It’s also inspirational, like a bible for people that haven’t yet had their Jesus moment. This is a book  about the cars from the Fast and the Furious movies. It’s pretty cool. By the way, I just want to say that it was really sad that the guy from those movies died, but at least it was a warrior’s death, so respect to him and his family.

Let’s see, I got some more stuff over here: some fantasy football magazines, Infinite Jest—never got through it—a Florida travel guide and Beloved by Toni Morrison. I wept like a baby when I read that book. Loved the line about being “full of a baby’s venom.” I tell you, if I were the type to get a tattoo, that’s the tattoo I would get. Toni Morrison rocks. Moving on, I got a puck here signed by the Toronto Maple Leafs, and oh, this is the Velveteen Rabbit. I’ve had it since I was a kid, it’s about a doll you can’t kill.