Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that Jose Canseco will now be serving as the US ambassador to Pakistan.

Donald J Trump: Jose Canseco, great guy and helluva ballplayer. Got to know him well on Celebrity Apprentice. Made great pizza under pressure. Only used the highest quality ingredients. Shouted out the orders clearly.

Donald J Trump: Didn’t always like the way he looked at Ivanka, but what can you do? He’s a man. I’m her father, and I still look. What curves. She’s a 10.

Donald J Trump: Jose has slept with countless women. Quality, deluxe women.

Donald J Trump: But not Ivanka.

Donald J Trump: Pakistania, lock up your ladies!

Donald J Trump: Very proud to announce that still hot ex-supermodel Nicki Taylor is the new US Ambassador to Russia.

Donald J Trump: Way she handled Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice made it clear to me that she can handle whatever you throw at her.

Donald J Trump: You can thank me later, Russia.

Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that the great WWE superstar star Goldberg, will now be the US Ambassador to the Jews.

Donald J Trump: Pure winner. Went 173 matches without a single loss. Commanding presence on Celebrity Apprentice. Can lift a helicopter over his head.

Donald J Trump: Should really turn things around for the Jews– bring our people closer together after all Hillary did to tear us apart.

Donald J Trump: Palestinia, you better watch your step.

Donald J Trump: Proud to announce that the beautiful Kaitlyn Schoeffel, Miss New Jersey 2017, will be the new US Ambassador to casinos all around the world.

Donald J Trump: Real firecracker.

Donald J Trump: Kaitlyn isn’t just another hot lady in a bathing suit, but is also an incredible dancer with great, American values and manners.

Donald J Trump: Beauty Pageant questions are tough. No way to prepare. HUGE challenge for ordinary people.

Donald J Trump: But not Kaitlyn, knocked the question about confederate statues out of the park! Just wow.

Donald J Trump: Real team player. Never hear about a sexual harassment suit from her. Class act, class ass. Perfect for the casino community.

has done his time on reality TV, served as a columnist for Vice Magazine, has been to jail, shares all his late night “inspirations” on Twitter and completely loves cars. In short, he is a 12 year-old boys idea of what the American dream could be, and for a moment that dream was to become mayor of Toronto.

Last week as Canseco was Tweeting his New Year’s resolutions, which included, “Fight Shaq in MMA cage match,” and “ help people getting screwed wherever I can,” he also enthused about running for mayor of Toronto—the city where he hit 46 home runs for the Blue Jays back in 1998. This was pretty much the best thing that I had ever come across on Twitter, and I immediately Tweeted back to Canseco in an effort to help.

@josecanseco: Don’t worry about any Citizenship issues in Toronto mayoral bid, I will gay marry you!

@josecanseco: But first you should try to become one of the Beauties on The Price is Right—they are now accepting men!

@josecanseco: It would make our union credible and be good PR!

@josecanseco: Secure the downtown Grinder vote.

@michaelmurrayca: Jose swings for the fences, not with other dudes!

@michaelmurrayca: I am having my people look into citizenship issues.

@josecanseco: But weren’t you in prison?

@michaelmurrayca: I called it Jose’s Castle, and I was in charge.

@josecanseco: Got it, I hear you!

@josecanseco: I have some campaign ideas for you, I am an idea factory!

@josecanseco: The Ikea Monkey will be your campaign signature, always standing on your flexed bicep– like a fetish.

@josecanseco: Open up Jarvis Bike Lane and make the Ikea Monkey municipal symbol.

@josecanseco: Ikea Monkey everywhere!

@michaelmurrayca: Ford too much trouble to be effective. Gotta fix budget, traffic, get new $ not from taxes, get more businesses, and help schools.

@josecanseco: The only thing that can help schools is a casino!

@josecanseco: A monkey themed casino!

@michaelmurrayca: I’m listening. Contact my assistant.

@josecanseco: And forget about Shaq, you must challenge mayor Rob Ford to an MMA fight. All proceeds to go to the monkey casino for the children!

@josecanseco: Ford is slow and easily confused.

@michaelmurrayca: I will throat punch him.

@josecanseco: He will die if you do that!!!

@josecanseco: Hey, did you ever have sex with Madonna? I bet she was pretty aggressive.

@michaelmurray: Just heard from my assistant and I can’t run for Toronto Mayor.

@michaelmurrayca: Will now just work harder on my anti-aging drink Ponce de Canseco.

@josecanseco: Nothing gonna keep you down! You are my hero. Can I have an autographed photo?

@josecanseco: You remind me a bit of Fred Flintstone, but in a good way!