Whenever I’m in one I think of some punitive elementary school. There’s an entire galaxy of largely symbolic rules, and everything associated with us is measured, weighed and timed. And as you stand in line you find yourself worrying about whether you remembered to bring your phone charger. Or your cool sneakers. Or your medicine. And so it goes, and never for a second do you forget that what you are about to do may be the last thing you ever do in your life.

Flying is something of a miracle, and we’re all, at least partially, expecting it to fail. And who can blame us for this suppressed expectation? Any time a plane crashes it’s international news. When the story breaks, people all over the world, those doing dishes or clicking “like,” are wondering just how they would have behaved in their last terrified moments as fire, cloud and sky sped by.

And please don’t forget the terrorists.

They might materialize at any moment. If you forget this, there is a terror alert, like a goal-thermometer on a fundraising marathon, warning you that today, the day you’re to give your first professional speech, the terror alert is ORANGE.

So air transit, even in a best case scenario, is a tense thing.

I imagine that Dr. Dao, the man who was dragged bleeding off a United flight earlier this week, was feeling some of this tension and uncertainty as he waited for his plane to fly him home to Kentucky.

Now we’ve all seen the video, and everybody knows that what took place was wrong.

However, the corporate face of United used the word “re-accommodation” to describe what happened. This is the kind of soft evil that creeps into our lives each day, and then stays there, existing beneath our skin like some sort of bacteria. We know all about over-booking now, and it all reduces to the airline valuing profit over people. This is the corporate way upon which our society functions. What seems to have shocked the microsystem in this case was that nobody would take a material inducement to give up their seat.

And what’s the corporate ethos in such a situation?

And so they dragged him screaming and bleeding from his seat. The law, of course, is behind United. Trapped in this culture where being busy is seen as a sign of status, we’re all so desperate to escape the heaviness of our lives and get to the beach in Veradaro,

that we accept that we might be “re-accommodated” when we buy our tickets. We sign-off on the fact that although we’ve bought a ticket and made all sorts of arrangements contingent on the timing of that flight, we might still lose our seat.

It’s kind of insane. The law allows a corporation to hedge on their services in order for them to maximize profits, even if it’s a ruinous policy for individual consumers. That the law favours corporate growth over human security is nothing new, but this is a particularly vivid example of the amoral structure that pins over our lives.

In the aftermath, Dr. Dao’s was vilified– a tactic minority communities know all too intimately—and the saga, now diffused through late night talk shows, social media and PR flak, is about to replaced by the next meme-worthy event. And still, the corporations will preside over us like gods, and because we believe we need what they offer, we will ignore our own intuition and continue to be subordinate to them, regardless the cost to human dignity and instinct.

Obviously, I’d make a great leader. I have the physical charisma our culture demands of its politicians, have an agile, encyclopedic brain, speak 6 languages and have a PHD in people. However, since I sincerely believe that fame is a curse, I refuse to put my wife and dog through the constant, ceaseless scrutiny that my taking office would entail, so I say, once again, I will not be running for Mayor of Toronto.

This does not mean that I am abdicating my civic duty to the great, multicultural, world-class city of Toronto. I have just signed on (salary and benefits part of a non-disclosure agreement) to be a part of the Duck For Mayor (@duckformayor on Twitter) team working to elect a duck for mayor of Toronto. My duties will be vast, but one of the first things I will be doing is forming a coherent platform that serves all Torontonians, something that I will be unveiling through a series of Tweets on Twitter.

@duckformayor: The carnage in Chinatown must be stopped!

@duckformayor: When I am mayor of Toronto, I will raze Chinatown!

@duckformayor: Both of them!

@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor will be a just Mayor, but a vengeful one!

@duckformayor: Tough on crime!

@duckformayor: Not afraid to walk the walk.

@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor supports the brave police officers of the Greater Toronto Area!

@duckformayor: Unlike some candidates, Duck for Mayor has never been convicted of drunk driving! #RobFordHas

@duckformayor: Plan to restructure transits includes, canals, canals, canals!

@duckformayor: Subways already flooding, why not leave them that way?

@duckformayor: HUGE taxpayer savings in foregoing repair costs!

@duckformayor: Also, tourists will love gondola rides through Toronto’s famous underground canals!

@duckformayor: Come on, Toronto, think big, vote Duck!

@duckformayor: Rumours of my affair with Margaret Atwood have been greatly exaggerated. #TorontoStarIsTrash

@duckformayor: Classy lady, though, don’t have a bad word to say about her.

@duckformayor: Did some great camping together back in the day.

@duckformayor: Canals, canals, canals!

@duckformayor: Anybody else missing GOT as much as I am? #OnlyWithdrawlThisDuckKnows

@duckformayor: Death to Chinatown!!

My hatred of him was immediate, visceral and enduring, and over the years I have taken time out of my busy, important life to write him a note each year on his birthday. This is a small sample of some of the letters I have written him:

July 3, 1986

Dear Maverick:

Your call sign in Top Gun should have been Muffin.

You’re a loser and flash in the pan and it’s obvious you don’t have a clue how to play beach volleyball.

Your smile makes me want to punch you with a rake.

Happy 24^th, moron.

Michael Murray

PS: Please send an autographed photograph.

July 3, 1992

Dear Tom:

I want to congratulate you on your Irish accent in Far and Away.

You’ve really been acting the shit out of things lately, especially when you made us all understand what it must feel like to be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair in Born on the Fourth of July. That was some heavy shit, really brave, and you deserve a milk carton full of Oscars for that role.

Happy 30^th, loser, it’s all downhill from here.

Michael Murray

PS: I have named my band Cole Trickle after your character in Days of Thunder. Inspired by your acting, we formed as a group even though none of us can play any instruments.

July 3, 2000

Tom:

What the fuck was up with your package in Magnolia???

I mean, please! Are you really that vain that you have to make it look like you have a giant cock? Really?? And did you even know what Eyes Wide Shut was about? Truly, you are the worst actor ever.

Happy birthday.

Michael Murray

July 3, 2005

Dear crazy Scientology person:

Joey will never love you.

You will never have her.

You may jump on sofas all you want, but you will never win her heart. You are a robot, a robot made of money and teeth, and although she has likely signed a contract, that contract will end and she will leave you. Mark my words, Cruise, mark my words.

You’re 43 now, and although you don’t know it, things are beginning to slip away.

Happy birthday.

Michael Murray

PS: I am taking the bus to America to buy a crossbow on the weekend.

July 3, 2014

Tom:

I’m on medication now and am doing well. I understand boundaries. I am sorry about the genetic material I sent to you on your 50^th birthday. It was inappropriate of me, to say the least, and trying to get you to introduce me to your ex-wife, the Katie Holmes version of your ex-wife, was insensitive. I just want to thank you for our friendship over the years, wish you the best as you move through your 50’s and let you know that I am really just fantastically excited for Top Gun II.

Happy birthday, old friend!

Michael Murray

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR:  Don’t think that guy will be finishing the race. What a shame. : (

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It breaks your heart when an athlete is injured like that.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto salutes Boston, city of Bravery, Brawn, Brains and Beans and Lettuce.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: We are all Boston Beans today.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking hate terrorists.

@TOPDOGMAOR: White or brown terrorists? Send in your votes!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Should decide this once and for all on the football grid, like men!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Who is your favourite football player? Free parking spot to person who submits best answer.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Authorities saying bomb was made from Crock Pot full of nails and BBs.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Like my Crock Pots to be full of chili. LOL.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Can’t believe they canceled Bruins-Pens game. Must be very serious situation.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto, you are safe, I am at the helm.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Probably won’t go to Florida this week, but if I do, contact: councillor_dford@toronto.ca in case of emerg.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: So many heroes. Like that guy in the cowboy hat.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Free lifetime parking spot in Toronto for guy in cowboy hat!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: He is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Guns N’ Roses, man, Guns N’ Roses.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Suspects in bombing ID’d!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wouldn’t want to be wearing white ball cap in Beantown today!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope Ben Afflect makes movie about this. Argo ruled!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Now donning Red Sox baseball cap in honour of victims. Suggest you do the same.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Send poison in the mail to this Mayor, expect a world of trouble.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Elvis impersonator terrorists, I am watching you.

@TOPDODMAYOR: Some cop killed in wild shootout at Harvard!!!

@ TOPDOGMAYOR: Evil doers carjack classy Mercedes and knock-off 7-11!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It’s like a Tarrantino flick. Completely fucking awesome.

@TOPDOFMAYOR: Heart goes out to family of fallen hero.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope guy with cowboy hat gets involved and kicks ass!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Really like to see Uma Thurman character involved, too.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Not a movie, but feels like movie.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: HUGE FUCKING SHOOT-OUT IN BEAN TOWN!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: One Borat guy now dead, looking for other!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: All of Boston shut down! Fucking love Boston!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Love to be mayor of Boston. Got big, brass balls!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Dead guy was athlete. Shame when athlete dies young, even if terrorist athlete.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: @Dougford Can’t delete last Tweet. WTF???

@TOPDOGMAYOR: MAYOR FORD DOES NOT CONDONE TERRORISM IN ANY FORM, EVEN BY ATHLETES.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Other Borat now hiding in boat. On land. What a moron!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Interesting. Boston seems to be doing fine without mass transit. Must be saving a shitload.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: No vowels in the Borat names. Weird. How do you say them??

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Little Borat captured!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Great day for Boston, great day for freedom!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Bet they riot in streets in celebration! Love to be there!! Go Boston!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: USA!!USA!!!USA!!!