I am now boycotting all of Trump’s luxury properties and hotels,

and have donated my, “You’re Fired!” t-shirt to charity. I don’t just believe in talking about change, I believe in being the change, and so instead of complaining about fascism on my Facebook page, I’ve started to picket the Trump International Hotel and Tower.

This is my journal:

Day 1:

Too cold. Stayed home and watched A Very Murray Christmas on Netflix. An instant classic.

Day 2:

Still chilly, but realized that the world isn’t going to change itself, so dressed in layers and headed down to Bay Street with my picket sign.

Teenager on subway asked me what my sign said.

“You’re a Chump if you support Trump.” I said, adding, “You’ve got to fight the power, you know? You have to BE the change!”

The teenager said, “Your sign says, “You’re a Trump if you support Chump.”

I looked at the sign and saw that he was right, and then asked him, “Well, if you knew what it said in the first place, why’d you ask me?”

The teenager shrugged.

Stayed on subway until it arrived back at the stop I had started at and went home.

Day 3:

Pleasant day. Maybe 10 degrees.

Took an Uber cab to the hotel and began my protest.

The first person who walked out of the hotel was a woman wearing a beautiful sundress, a winter scarf that must have fallen from heaven and a cowboy hat. She smelled like the most impossible music and was so blindingly gorgeous that I dropped my sign.

As she stepped into a waiting limo, I cried out, “I would build a wall around all of Mexico for you, I would make America strong again!” but I think maybe she was mute, as she did not respond.

I don’t remember much else from that day

Day 4:

Woke up and meditated hoping to receive wisdom and light to become better protestor.

I then went down to hotel committed to be the best protestor I could be.

I began to pace in front of the building chanting, “Dump-Trump, Dump-Trump, Dump-Trump!” Although I got the words mixed-up quite a bit, several cars honked, which I took to be signs of support.

Had lunch.

Feeling in the zone, I began to protest again but then got a text from my wife reminding me to pick up my blood pressure medication, and so I went off to the store to make sure I got there before it closed. Took my blood pressure while waiting. 120/70.

Not bad! Got my pills and a lotto ticket and headed home.

Day 5:

Took Uber down to hotel again. Talked to the driver about fascism. He agreed about its dangers. (I feel I am changing the world one little bit at a time!)Gave him a five star rating.

Today I proved an inspiration. As I believe we have to unite as one against Trump, I was delighted when a street person joined in my protest. She might have had her difficulties, but she was a very spirited, loud and creative chanter! Said her name was Parking Lot, because that’s where she did most of her work, and that Trump was a “Fuck Roach.”

Day 1:

I am grateful that we are wealthy enough to hire a house cleaner.

I am grateful that Albina, our house cleaner, always changes from her street clothes into her work clothes in the living room. It’s provocative and edgy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it just shakes up the day, you know?

I am grateful for sharks, as they have starred in a lot of cool movies and television programming.

Day 2:

I am grateful that it is now socially acceptable for a man to carry a “murse” and not have to sit on his wallet all day. Sitting on a wallet is like having to sit on a Club Sandwich all day.

I am grateful that I am very athletic and am not a nerd.

I am grateful for the invention of yoga pants.

Day 3:

I am grateful for the TV show Nashville, which is fucking awesome.

I am grateful that I don’t have to read very much for my job.

I am grateful that we don’t live with a ghost in our apartment, that would really dampen the quality of our life, I think.

Day 4:

I am grateful that I am wealthy enough to buy prestigious clothes and look really good when I go out.

I am grateful that I am really, really popular, as I was in high school.

I am grateful for the good governance and fiscal responsibility that guides Canada as a nation.

Day 5:

I am grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves.

I am grateful that BB King is my uncle. I have learned a lot from him.

I am grateful for heating pads.

Day 6:

I am grateful for unexpected Scratch N’ Win victories!

I am grateful that the LCBO is just down the street.

I am grateful that none of my erotic selfies have been leaked to the public.

Day 7:

All praise and love to Jesus, our LORD and SAVIOUR! I am grateful to him for the abundant gifts he has given me. PRAISE!!

I am grateful for celebrities.

I am grateful for peanuts, particularly dry roasted peanuts.

What follows is a partial transcript of what some of their surveillance revealed:

2:43 am: Ford drives his Escalade, distinctive Ford You license plate and brass balls hanging from the vehicle’s undercarriage visible, into 7-11 parking lot. Tom Cochrane “Life is a Highway” plays loudly through the speakers.

2:45 am: Ford urinates against a nearby dumpster and enters store.

2:46 am: Ford buys large bag of Cheesies, opens them and begins eating them.

2:47 am: Ford says that each Cheesie is like “ a little orange blow-job,” and then offers some to the clerk.

2:48 am: Ford associate Sandro Lisi drives into the parking lot.

2:49 am: Ford asks clerk about his accent, wants to know if it was real or just something he made up.

2:50 am: Cheesie dust all over the mayor, he tells clerk that if city hall wasn’t so stuck-up, he’d speak with an accent all the time.  Loves the Jamaican accent he says in Jamaican accent.

2:51 am: Ford gives clerk his business card, tells him to call if he has a pothole problem.

2:52 am: Sandro Lisi honks car horn.

2:53 am: Police receive tip from psychic that Ford might be in New Jersey. Helicopter dispatched. Possible we are currently following a double. Ford not to be underestimated.

2:54 am: Ford hurries out of 7-11, avoiding all eye contact with Lisi, unrolls Escalade driver’s side window and then goes and hides behind the dumpster.

2:55 am: Lisi, one arm in a sling, enters into 7-11 and buys a pepperette, bottle of Gatorade and a Scratch N’ Win ticket.

2:57 am: Lisi scratches ticket and wins. Very happy. Punches good arm up into air. Cashier gives him $10.  Lisi buys five more tickets, scratching each one at counter. No wins. Lisi, angry, but clearly more disappointed in himself.

2:58 am Lisi leaves 7-11 and drops small parcel into front seat of Ford’s car.

3:00 am: Lisa makes cell phone call to Rob Ford. Undercover detective working as 7-11 clerk hears ringing behind dumpster. Lisi drives away

3:01 am: Rob Ford pops up from behind the dumpster and runs to car, looks in window at parcel Lisi had placed on the front seat. Does window of vehicle back up and returns to 7-11, buying rolling paper, matches and a copy of Maxim Magazine.

3:05 am: Ford exits 7-11.

3:06 am: Ford returns to 7-11, buys chocolate milk, drinks it, sticks several “Ford for Mayor” fridge magnets on a variety of products and surfaces.

3:10 am: Ford exits 7-11. Spots raccoon near dumpster, throws empty chocolate milk carton at it, shouting “Go deep, raccoon, go deep!”

3:11am: Two more raccoons emerge from shrubbery near dumpster, they all stare back at Ford with determined, glowing eyes.

3:12 am: Ford hurries into car and quickly departs parking lot.

*1 “I don’t want to be conceited and I don’t want to toot my own horn. But I believe when it comes to my fiscal policy, I am by far the best mayor the city has ever had.” Rob Ford, Nov 3, 2013