This is a vast question, one that the Globe and Mail is trying to answer by asking some writers their thoughts on the matter. I am flattered to say that I was one of the writers they asked, and this was my response:
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A real man must have a healthy respect for nature.
A real man knows that humidity is a festering curse, so if the Humidex rises much above 30, he will stay inside with the AC cranked. He does this because he is smart and powerful and worldly. The real man never retreats, he merely lies in wait until favourable conditions arise.
A real man is also wary around birds.
He believes flight to be cheating and does not trust cheaters.
If any cheater birds come around a real man’s family, that bird would be a fool. A real man will wave his arms about and shriek, he will do whatever it takes to keep that bird from attacking his family.
Even if his family can be ungrateful and mocking.
That sort of stuff just rolls off a real man’s back.
A real man knows how to build a scarecrow to keep birds off the property he rents, too. If the real man lacks money because of his integrity, because he’s unwilling to be a sheep and get a “job” working for some soulless corporation or media conglomerate, then he will scavenge goods to create his scarecrow, and his scarecrow would be just as good, and a lot more scary, than any fancy, professionally manufactured scarecrow.
A real man is not scared to use coupons.
He is industrious.
And his fearfulness makes him fearless.
And if he cries easily, like when Jon Snow had to kill his red-headed, Wildling girlfriend on GOT, or when a sweet, little gymnast just nails the program she’s worked so hard on, it is only because he feels things so strongly.
A real man feels it in the gut.
He feels it in the gut hard.
You must understand that.
When at a party and spotting a turntable, the real man knows that it is his duty to assume all DJ responsibilities. He doesn’t shirk from this the way a not-real man might, but he owns the goddamn responsibility. He was born to educate the world by playing the barely recognizable esoterica from his youth. He was born to explain things to people.
And so, the real man won’t be bothered by all the pretty women rolling their eyes and leaving the dance floor. He won’t care that they call him DJ BuzzKill and make fun of his leather bomber jacket. In such a situation, the real man would be crying because the complicated beauty of his music had touched him in a holy way, that is all.
The real man used to be really good at sports.
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Team Leader: Okay, I guess we’ll just wait another five minutes to see if Noor shows up, but if not we’ll just start without her.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
Me: Well, I think it might be a nice way to kill the time if we each told one another a little bit about ourselves.
Team Leader: This isn’t required so nobody has to participate.
Me: My name is Michael Murray, I stand nearly six feet four inches tall and live in Toronto with my wife and our Miniature Dachshund. When I was a boy Iron Fist was my favourite superhero. He could summon and focus his chi into one amazing punch and was teemed with the super awesome Luke Cage, who was known not to take any jive.
Person #1: My name is Cindy and I live in Ottawa.
Person #2: Tom, in London.
Person #3: My name is Beth and I live in Kingston where I’m a student, and I guess I my favourite superhero would be Lara Croft.
Me: She’s not a superhero. She’s a video game character.
Person #3: Oh, I didn’t realize that Iron Fist was a real person. I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about him.
Team Leader: Hopefully Noor will be here very soon. We’ll just give her two more minutes and then we’ll get into the material.
Me: Team Leader, is there any sort of dress code we have to abide by when we’re doing our work?
Team Leader: Well, as you’ll be working from home, of course not.
Me: Great, because it’s a straight up fact that I do my best work when I’m not wearing a shirt.
Person #1: Gross.
Team Leader: Michael, we don’t need to know that. You’re over-sharing and making us all a little bit uncomfortable.
Person #1: Look, I’m not a difficult person, but I think this is sexual harassment.
Me: I think you hear what you want to hear, Cindy.
Person #1: What does that mean?
Me: You sound like somebody who maybe wants to get sexually harassed, you know?
Team Leader: Okay Michael, you are way out of bounds here and if you don’t apologize immediately and stop this conduct, you will be terminated from the project.
Me: Our Dear Leader makes a persuasive argument. Cindy, I am very sorry, I was just making stuff up and trying to be funny, lighten things up a bit while we waited, but I see that I was creepy and inappropriate, and I am really, truly sorry for that.
Person #1: Fine, but I still feel like I need a shower.
Person #2: I think we all do.
Noor: Hello! Sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?
Me: We were just talking about taking a group shower.
Team Leader: Michael, you’re fired.
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Dear Michael:
It was my honour to take your virginity last night. For your first time, you were certainly adequate and I commend you.
Best wishes,
Prime Minister Thatcher
Dear Margaret:
Wow!
Just wow!
I guess I thought it was going to be softer or something, but man, it was still great and strange and gross and awesome! Just thinking about it now, I can summon your talcum powder scent and hear your hurried, instructional breathing once again.
I had no idea that there were different “positions.” I think I would like to try every “position” with you.
Love,
Michael
XO
Dear Michael:
Your youthful enthusiasm and attempts at a British accent while drunk amuse me. However, I must candidly admit that I do not see a future for us, or even for you in the unforgiving economy of the real world that awaits you after university, but for now you are functional.
Please call my driver (I gave you his personal number three days ago, remember?) at 10:45 tonight.
Regards,
Prime Minister Thatcher
Margaret:
I had never done it in a Limo before!
Let me tell you, you are my Falkland Islands.
You are my one, true prom.
You are the Vice-Principal I always dreamed about, and I really appreciate how you’re helping me with my elocution.
Love,
Mike
xo
PS: By the way, Great Britain seems like a name that holds itself in very high regard. I mean, if the USA started to call itself Awesome America, would you go to war with them?
Mr. Murray:
Great Britain would defend herself in any way that she saw fit!
Would you like that? Would you like if the first lady of Great Britain began to defend herself? Are you ready for that? I control the entire military and police force, you know. I have an iron fist.
Directly,
The Prime Minister of Great Britain
PS: How does the phrase “sado-monetarism” strike you?
Margaret:
There is a karate superhero with a smoking gun of a hand called Iron Fist. Are you named after him? He is way cool, a kind of ninja who pals around with a big black guy named Power Man. They fight evil wherever they encounter it, kind of like you and apartheid.
You’re cheating on your husband, you know. How does that feel?
By the way, I do not understand “sado-monetarism,” but if it’s a position with you, I am willing to try it!
I want your Iron Fist, placed ever so gently, in my mouth.
Love,
Michael Murray
Xoxxo
I never heard from her again and it turns out I completely misunderstood what apartheid was all about.
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