Monica Lewinsky 40:

Dear Monica:

I just want to say that it’s amazing and impressive that you’ve lived this long. I think everybody in the media was sure you’d die in a self-loathing pit of drugs, despair and faded memories, but no! You took up knitting! That is completely awesome, and I wish more borderline celebrity types would do this. MC Hammer? He should be knitting. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a most excellent and happy 40^th and continued success in living an anonymous and not disastrously adjusted life! You’re doing great!

Lynda Carter 62

Dear Lynda:

You probably know what you meant to me when I was a boy growing up, so I won’t get into that here. But sweet Jesus, you were hot. My friend Ian used to hump the TV when your show Wonder Woman came on. Can you imagine that? I tell you, young boys will put their dicks on anything. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written that to you, it’s kind of gross, I guess. But I don’t know, maybe it makes you feel kind of proud, too? You are getting old, after all. I don’t mind admitting that women, even Wonder Women (LOL) have always confused me. Anyway, you’re beautiful on the inside and out, and all of us are very proud of you for being a spokesperson for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’m on a gluten-free diet, myself. Happy birthday!!

Kevin Spacey 53

Dear Kevin:

I have to say, and you’re now old enough to hear it, you’re a VERY over-rated actor. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a happy birthday, you should, but you just need to stop hamming it up so much.

Elisabeth Moss 31

Dear Elisabeth:

I just want you to know that I think that Peggy Olson, your character on Mad Men, is made of steel. She takes no shit!! I mean, it’s a man’s world where she works, but Peggy stands up for herself, changes with the times and learns how to dress! It’s awesome. How does it feel to have your own doll? Pretty cool, I bet. I’d like to have my own action figure. He’d be playing table tennis. Do you know Jennifer Lawrence? Happy birthday!

Selena Gomez 21

Dear Selena:

You know what’s weird? It’s weird that on your birthday I was riding my bicycle by a fancy hotel in Toronto that was being swarmed by gitchy teen girls in really short shorts all waiting to see Justin Bieber, the guy you dumped. What a bunch of losers! Like you, I’m not a Belieber, and you know what? I’m old enough to be your father but still find you really sexy! Funny, eh? Happy birthday, Selena, may your 20s be wild, unpredictable and very experimental!

These are the text messages I sent to my wife Rachelle:

Me: Just stopped in at One for a drink, should be home by 6.

Me: Yes.

Me: I do think we’re made of money.

Me: Look, my fantasy sports teams have been doing very well the last couple of years.

Me: And I won a Deal Or No Deal scratch n’ win ticket the other day.

Me: I’m fucking rolling in cash.

Me: Paying off the car doesn’t make you a saint, you know.

Me: Right. Just the person who does all the heavy financial lifting.

Me: The hostess sat me very far away from the site lines.

Me: You’d need a shovel to find me.

Me: Yes.

Me: I am wearing my bike helmet.

Me: I don’t know if she thinks I’m an elderly bike courier.

Me: She probably just thinks I prefer solitude.

Me: I look pretty intellectual.

Me: Thoughtful, soulful.

Me: A man who looks like Roger Sterling just refused to sit in my section.

Me: “No, no, no, honey, no way I’m sitting there,” he said to the hostess.

Me: His hand around her waist.

Me: He’s now sitting in the rich men with big cigars section.

Me: Yes, I guess it’s like I’m sitting in the scratch n’ win section.

Me: It’s like instead of arriving via a fuck-me-I’m-rich car, I showed up on a mobility scooter.

Me: One with a little dog in the basket and a Hamilton Tiger Cats flag at the back.

Me: The waitress serving me is kind of chunky, too.

Me: Probably why she’s working this section.

Me: I bet she got the job because she sleeps with the mayor or something.

Me: Look, I have too had a job.

Me: Well, things are tough in the media right now, you know that.

Me: I guess I could be something other than a writer.

Me: No.

Me: No.

Me: I don’t want to work in the box factory that Allan manages.

Me: Because.

Me: I have lots of potential.

Me: You can still have potential in your 40s.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I just got distracted by a woman with long, superstar hair.

Me: It was like a flash of light when she tossed it and everything smelled like the beach!

Me: She looks a bit like Jennifer Lawrence.

Me: By the way, what shampoo do you use?

Me: Oh.

Me: Shopper’s, eh?

Me: Yeah, it’s good to get the Optimum points, I guess.

Me: If you don’t care what your hair looks like.

Me: Wow!

Me: Group of men who look like pro athletes and their supermodel girlfriends just asked me if I’d like to have a drink with them!

Me: People really are just drawn to me.

Me: Love you, probably be back late! xo

Me: Don’t forget to take the dog for a walk!!