Day 1:

I am grateful that we are wealthy enough to hire a house cleaner.

I am grateful that Albina, our house cleaner, always changes from her street clothes into her work clothes in the living room. It’s provocative and edgy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it just shakes up the day, you know?

I am grateful for sharks, as they have starred in a lot of cool movies and television programming.

Day 2:

I am grateful that it is now socially acceptable for a man to carry a “murse” and not have to sit on his wallet all day. Sitting on a wallet is like having to sit on a Club Sandwich all day.

I am grateful that I am very athletic and am not a nerd.

I am grateful for the invention of yoga pants.

Day 3:

I am grateful for the TV show Nashville, which is fucking awesome.

I am grateful that I don’t have to read very much for my job.

I am grateful that we don’t live with a ghost in our apartment, that would really dampen the quality of our life, I think.

Day 4:

I am grateful that I am wealthy enough to buy prestigious clothes and look really good when I go out.

I am grateful that I am really, really popular, as I was in high school.

I am grateful for the good governance and fiscal responsibility that guides Canada as a nation.

Day 5:

I am grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves.

I am grateful that BB King is my uncle. I have learned a lot from him.

I am grateful for heating pads.

Day 6:

I am grateful for unexpected Scratch N’ Win victories!

I am grateful that the LCBO is just down the street.

I am grateful that none of my erotic selfies have been leaked to the public.

Day 7:

All praise and love to Jesus, our LORD and SAVIOUR! I am grateful to him for the abundant gifts he has given me. PRAISE!!

I am grateful for celebrities.

I am grateful for peanuts, particularly dry roasted peanuts.

If you are Canadian, bring Canadian money. Don’t pretend you’re somebody you’re not. Your Canadian mediocrity beams out of every one of your pale, bland pores. Nobody is going to believe you come from Brazil. Look at yourself.

Only bring $5, $10 and $20 bills and NO $50 bills. You’re not rich, that’s why you’re going to Cuba. If you were rich, you’d be going somewhere else, everybody knows that. You must convert your Canadian money to Cuban Pesos at the airport money exchange or at your Hotel front desk, and when you do this only get 1, 3, 5 or 10 Peso notes.

Do not bring American money unless you want to be hated and taken advantage of. Bringing American money is like wearing a sandwich board that says, “I am a douche.”

Q. Should I tip the bartenders, waiters and maids?

A. Yes, but only use Cuban Convertible Pesos. Do not use Canadian or American money because the poor people of Cuba have a hard time exchanging it into Communist money. They have to wait in a long line at a Cuban bank in order to exchange your money into their money, so even when you’re trying to be nice you’re being a bit of a dick. This is what it’s like to be a tourist. You will be resented.

Q. How many Cuban convertible Pesos should I tip to get good service?

A. Tip a Cuban driver 1 Peso per day or one small gift like a tin of mixed nuts or a hunting knife. Tip a Cuban waiter 1 Peso per day. Tip a Cuban bartender 8 Pesos a day. You’re likely to be drinking an awful lot—as you’re desperate to take the cheapest trip you could find away from wherever you live—and you’re going to want him on your side. Sometimes you will meet a Hotel employee you really like. If you want to have sex with this Hotel employee, you should give them 4 Pesos or a piece of clothing (clean).

Whenever I visit Cuba I always bring calendars, as they are very hard to obtain in this dictator state. The government believes that all time is equal and that no day/month/year should be accorded special status, but the people like to know when their appointments are. It’s human nature.

Remember that the average Cuban worker earns between $200 and $400 a year.

Q. Can I leave a gift for the maid instead of money?

A. Yes, some items are very expensive and can be hard to find for the average Cuban.

The best gifts to leave should be new. From my experience, the maids prefer tubes of toothpaste, packages of gum, puppets, bottles of aspirin, writing paper or chickens, who are valued for their food yield as well as their income potential as fighters. And if you really want your room to shine, or you really want to have sex with your maid, you can give her some nuts and berries or Lego.