Dear Iceland:

You know who I am.

I am Leonardo DiCaprio.

My resume speaks for itself. I am arguably the greatest actor of my generation (sorry Christian Bale), wealthier and more powerful than many small nations and have a Klout score of 88.2. I can make it rain.

You should know that I am a HUGE fan of your work as a weird island nation and am really impressed with your buzz. You’re punching above your weight, little guy, and you’ve got some great PR people in your corner!

I think that the two of us could do some great work together and with that in mind I’d like to attend the Iceland Writer’s Retreat this year in order to research a role for a film I hope to shoot in Iceland in 2016.

What is Leo DiCaprio’s project you ask?

It is to be the blockbuster of 2017. It’s to be called Written in the Ice, and I will star as an ex-CIA operative who has made a break from the dark world of Black-Ops he mastered in his past. Having been given a new identity, Leonhard Jónsson, now a fisherman and aspiring writer, is living a humble village life in Iceland.

He is crazy talented and charismatic, but he’s suffering a form of PTSD and has writer’s block. However, this lifts when he attends the Iceland Writer’s Conference and meets a quirky, hipster Icelandic woman (hotter and younger than Bjork, but suggesting Bjork) who believes she communicates with elves. They have sex.

Through one of her nocturnal communications with the elves, (she falls into an automatic writing trance but must be naked for it to work) she is given a secret for renewable energy that will save the world from global warming, but before Leonhard and her can get the secret out and save the world, evil government forces and big oil seek to kill them and destroy the information.

It will be the best movie ever, sweep all the awards and be a “Titanic” success for the Iceland tourism, but for me to properly play all the dimensions of Leonhard Jónsson, I will have to attend the Iceland Writer’s Conference, free of all expenses for myself and my staff of 28.

A few other requests:

For the process to properly work, I need to be in the presence of lots of beauty. Please ensure that the class is populated with beautiful women. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.

I will require a beach, and if it is off-season, then I will require that it is artificially heated so it simulates the tropics.

I will need a helicopter and a yacht.

I will only attend 45 minutes of the conference each day and will not be required to “turn in” any work for grading.

Legal immunity from the laws that govern Iceland will also be required.

Nobody is permitted to look directly at my man bun.

Looking forward to working with you, and my lawyers will be in touch shortly!

Regards,

Leo

This is the battle that ensued:

Greasy, loner neighbour: U DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK AFTER A DOG

Me: YOUR MAN BUN IS VERY BRAVE.

Greasy, loner neighbour: AT LEAST I HAVE HAIR

Me: YOU’RE SHAPED LIKE A PEAR & WE CALL YOU CINNABON

Greasy, loner neighbour: YOU LOOK LIKE MR. BURNS

Me: HAVE GONE OFF MY MEDS. FEEL UNPREDICTABLE

Greasy, loner neighbour: ADVANCED TRAINING IN NGUNI STICK FIGHTING. NOT SCARED

Me: VIDEO GAMES DON’T COUNT

Greasy, loner neighbour: YOU’RE ON DISABILITY, RIGHT?

Me: YOU LOOK SHARP IN YOUR BEST BUY T-SHIRT, CINNABON.

Greasy, loner neighbour: U LOOK WEAK & ALWAYS SEE YOU IN HOUSECOAT. CREEPY

Me: ALLERGIC TO GRAINS AND HAVE ASTHMA. WHY I KEEP GUNS

Greasy, loner neighbour: JUST KEEP YOUR DOG QUIET, OK?

Me: NO

Greasy, loner neighbour: WILL CALL ANIMAL SERVICES

Me: THEN WE WILL STICK FIGHT, BUT I WILL HAVE GUNS