If you cross the borders and enter into this swamp-nation, you will instantly be transformed into a pitiless ideological zombie. You will be shouting at everything. You will be angry, sunrise to sunset, and then into the night. Even under your blankets and the ominous, blue glow of your phone, you will still be furious, your brain in terrible flames. Twitter knows this and is now trying to encourage civil behaviour, both by cancelling offensive accounts, and nominating “well-behaved” people for “Sainthood.” Sainthood is nothing more than a halo emoji that appears beside your name, but Twitter is hopeful it might catch on and help put out the still burning swamp fire. Here are a few of the people who recently received a halo emoji:
Saint Bobby D of Oshawa
“Somebody had posted a photo of a guy sitting on the subway with his legs slightly apart under the heading, ‘THIS IS AGRESSIVE MANSPREADING!!! SO SICK OF TOXIC MASCULINE ENTITLEMENT!!!!” I was going to point out that the author had spelled aggressive wrong, but she already seemed pretty worked up so I decided not to contribute to the anger storm.”
Saint Heather of Trent
“ I came across a headline on Twitter that said, “Trump’s limo driver of 25 years confirms the President has always been an asshole.” I was just about to Retweeet it when it occurred to me that I should probably read the article before propelling it further into the world, and so I just let it go.
Saint Brad of Midland
“I had been hearing a lot about the Syrian Civil War and the truth is that I really didn’t know much about it. To be honest, I had never even heard of Aleppo, thinking it was the name of a Finnish hockey coach, not a besieged city, and so I read a Vox Explainer about the situation and consequently felt pretty confident of my understanding of the complex predicament. I was about to engage in a robust argument about what was best for Syria and Syrians in general, when it struck me that I had never been to Syria. I had never read any Syrian press. I didn’t speak Arabic. I didn’t even know any Syrians. And geez, I couldn’t even work the new remote we got with our subscription to Crave TV, so it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t the guy to solve “the Syrian problem,” and I just kept my opinion to myself.
Heidi now lives a life of glory with Rachelle’s parents about an hour north of Toronto. Today I have given the Blog over to her:
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Heidi so very happy and popular and good-looking.
Heidi in best shape of her life, too.
Heidi superstar.
Heidi have no idea why not on cover of Sport’s Illustrated big sex issue this month!
Heidi hot.
Make no sense.
Editor team so speciesist!
All very, very bad dogs!!
Heidi bite them in face if ever try to pet her.
Still, Heidi life so very, very, very good and when sleep come, it carry Heidi and Jones on same dream-river.
Dream #1
Heidi and Jones go running at night.
Full moon light in us.
Fast run.
Green run through wet meadow.
Wide run.
Above and behind the dark wind follows.
All night we give chase.
At end Heidi lick egg sandwich off Jones face.
Dream #2
Heidi and Jones not Heidi and Jones, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones. Live in castle in mountains of France. Very nice castle. Bedroom in turrets. Like lofts. VERY expensive, but Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones super rich. Can afford it no problem!
Fly so fast and high! See everything. Eagle-Heidi and Eagle-Jones terrible missiles! We protectors of freedom and liberty. Fly like beautiful rockets, destroying enemy drones with fierce talons. Boom! Drones explode into fire-light at our touch! Hah! Stupid drones!! Get one million dollars (US) for every dead drone. Eagle-Heidi better than Eagle-Jones at it. Eagle-Heidi kill 268 drones, Eagle-Jones 12.
Heidi always teaching Jones, even when Eagles.
Dream #3
Heidi and Jones at Dolly Parton concert.
Heidi fucking love Dolly Parton.
Get asked up on stage to sing Islands In The Stream.
Heidi love that song so much want to be buried in it.
Jones doesn’t know words and start to cry.
Heidi SO embarrassed she show Jones her teeth and then pee!
Dream #4
In dream Heidi and Jones partners in high school science class. Assignment to dissect frog, but Heidi get excited and eat frog before start!! Taste so good!! Not like chicken sushi as Heidi expect, but like hamburger! Weird but delicious hamburger without bun! Jones mad he didn’t get to stab frog and start to cry! Little baby throws temper tantrum and yells, “NO!”
Heidi no take shit.
Heidi disciplinarian.
German in Heidi.
Show him teeth and growl to let Jones know Heidi serious, and then Heidi see another frog and eat it, too. Heidi can’t stop herself, Heidi eat all frogs in class! And then Heidi get detention because Jones sucky tattletale.
Dream #5
Heidi and Jones on subway.
Two-legger accuse Jones of “Manspreading.” Take picture and says post on Internet to shame Jones!! Jones no understand and start to cry!! Heidi get so furious she bite two-legger throat! Perfect bite! And then subway change and traveling underwater! Glowing fish everywhere! Heidi wonder what glowing fish taste like, then notice Jones has lasagna on face and lick it off.
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