Now, in the 21st century, forward thinking Klan members are looking at ways to financially exploit this successful brand, giving the organization a more corporate sheen and putting the defining racist principles that govern the organization on the backburner. In an effort to accomplish this goal, they’ve put out a broad call to agencies and individuals across the globe to help in a rebrand, and I was one of the people lucky enough to be contacted.
1. KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack
A fast food franchise throughout the rural south would serve as an excellent transition business, moving the KKK from violent hate group to an affordable, family-friendly eatery in no time. Competing with KFC, but with a more authentic, regional flavour, a Klansman with smiling face exposed–but still wearing the distinctive white hood– would be the corporate logo, much like Colonel Sanders for KFC. KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack would be racially inclusive, thus combating any negative connotations that might linger about the past of this emerging corporate titan.
The signature dish would be fried chicken skin crisps, and like MacDonald’s Happy Meal, KKK’s would serve The Hooded Order, which would be two pieces of chicken, an order of fries and a bottomless Coke, as well as a KKK action figure for the kids.
2. KKKSN Klu Klux Klan Sport’s Network
There’s nothing, excluding beauty pageants and guns, that’s’ more American than sports, and the marriage between the KKK and sports entertainment is a no-brainer. The network should focus on competitive eating (cross-marketing with KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack), crossbow hunting, street fighting and various rural soldier type programming. Over time, the network could expand to include more conventional sports, but to start it must specialize in that which it’s core audience loves best.
3. KKK: Guardians of the Earth
In the era of Global Warming, nothing could be more important to the public than the appearance of trying to save the environment. The KKK, showcasing their defining uniforms, could roam the land as a kind of cross between Forest Rangers and Guardian Angels, policing the public and making sure that people are not polluting, using too much hot water or otherwise disrespecting the land. One of the bonuses of this is that the KKK could still position itself as anti-government.
4. KKK Dog Walking and Pet Care
This would essentially be a corporate shell, existing primarily to keep members of the KKK in the public eye and achieving the positive association of being caretakers of the pets that American’s so love.
Third and Long:
This body spray and cologne would be attached to dynamic Toronto politician Rob Ford. The body spray would be dispensed through a Rob Ford bobble-head and the more expensive cologne would be sold in a bottle shaped like a football. The TV ad campaign would feature a variety of improvised, black and white spots of Rob Ford free-associating, set against a stark, simple background.
Third and Long: It’s all gravy when you’re a man.
Penance:
Endorsed by actor Sean Penn, this cologne would be propelled by an ad campaign featuring the Academy Award winner posing shirtless. Also, I think he should have a small moustache. Penn would be holding some rosary beads draped over his back while casting a look of complex defiance at the camera.
Penance: When an apology isn’t going to happen.
Blog:
This is a scent that will be targeting conspiracy theorists. The ad campaign will be bombastic and concussive, pummeling the audience with image after image of conspiracy tropes—JFK getting shot in the head, the Twin Towers coming down, the Knights Templar—and then dissolve into a moderately attractive young man typing away at his computer. He’s purposeful, confident. When he finishes what he’s writing a knock comes at the door, he sprays some Blog on his pulse points and then exits through his window and down his fire escape.*1
Blog: Can you afford not to?
Pioneer:
This unisex fragrance will be tailored to appeal to the hipster demographic. All ingredients in it should sound completely organic and ethically sourced, and ideally it would smell kind of like a combination of kimchi and hay. The ad campaign will feature various hipsters– men in beards and overalls, women wearing sweaters with owls on them—posing happily with their cool looking bikes while cool sounding music plays.
Pioneer: Be the first to smell like the past.
La Beouf:
Actor Shia LeBeouf will be the spokesperson for this scent and it will have a meaty aroma.
La Beouf: When you’re not afraid to be wrong.
*1 Later we will roll out a body spray and soap-on-a-rope for men called Occupy.
]]>