The bland and genial-appearing host of The Today Show was fired by NBC News after they received a detailed complaint about his inappropriate sexual behaviour in the workplace. Perhaps it’s not surprising at all, as women have always known, and men have always presumed, that the entertainment industry is one in which sexually predatory men feed on the ambition of women.

But still, the nearly universal breadth of female experience, as evidenced by the #MeToo movement, and the scope of the charges laid and jobs lost, is staggering. Even though none of us should be surprised by any allegations, or whom they might be directed at, I found myself particularly saddened by the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:

Doc:

In the home that Snow White shared with six other dwarfs, Doc allegedly summoned her to the bathtub, where he was nude, and pressured her to take off her clothes and, “Help polish the diamond.”

Grumpy:

After making sexual comments over dinner about Snow White, Grumpy allegedly went to her room, pushed her onto the bed and groped her. When she complained to other dwarfs about this, they all said, “Oh, that’s just Gropey!”

Happy:

After Snow White rejected Happy’s sexual advances, he locked the door, exposed himself and began to masturbate into a potted plant while blocking her exit. As he was unlocking the door and leaving, he turned and commented,  “Don’t you just love a happy ending?”

Sleepy:

Sleepy asked Snow White if she would sweep the floors naked and when she refused he then requested that she let him rub himself against her. He then threatened her with violence if she said anything about the encounter to the other dwarfs.

Dopey:

Snow White awoke from a nap to discover Dopey, completely nude, ejaculating on the sleeve of her nightgown. When reached for a comment, Dopey admitted that he had, “engaged in conduct that was inconsistent with his core values.”

Sneezy:

After serving lunch to the Seven Dwarfs, Snow White asked if they needed anything else, to which Sneezy replied, “ A blow-job would be nice.”

Bashful:

Bashful repeatedly came up behind Snow White while she was doing the dishes, pressed himself against her, grabbed her breasts and tried to rip her gown off before she would escape to the basement. Bashful made a statement saying, “I did flirt with her, and I remember trying to help Snow White with the dishes as part of what I thought was a consensual seduction ritual that went on and on for many years,” he said. “I am horrified and bewildered to discover that it wasn’t consensual. I didn’t get it. It makes me reassess every relationship I have ever thought was playful and mutual.”

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Me: Oh.

Me: I didn’t know you were getting a massage.

Me: I thought you were at the Dufferin Mall trying to improve our phone plans.

Me: Sure was off with that one!

Me: Well, I hope the massage is doing the trick, anyway!

Me: Awesome. You really do deserve to have a “tender yet forceful experience that lifts you out of your body and punishes you in all the right places.”

Me: What’s the masseuses name again? Yana? Didn’t she used to be a hot Russian long jumper before some sort of sex scandal? 

Me: Pierre?

Me: He’s your masseuse?

Me: I thought he was your power skating coach.

Me: Both, eh? That’s a little weird.

Me: I see.

Me: He’s a renaissance man.

Me: I do too know what that means.

Me: It means he’s a douche.

Me: You know he lied about being in the NHL, eh?

Me: That’s something sacred, you don’t lie about stuff like that!

Me: Oh, he was in the German league then.

Me: Not. The. Same. Thing. 

Me: Like playing in Peewee.

Me: I would dominate that stupid league.

Me: Whatever.

Me: Whatever.

Me: You did what?

Me: Look, my Fantasy Baseball Stats file is private.

Me: I have no idea why you found a bunch of racy photographs of Kristen Stewart in there.

Me: Not a clue.

Me: Maybe Jones put them there.

Me: Really? That’s the stupidest thing you ever heard?

Me: Look, I’m not stupid just because I failed math a bunch of times.

Me: Or French.

Me: Or any other subject!

Me: I’m Alt-Smart.

Me: No, it’s different than being “special.”

Me: You’re being a bully.

Me: You are not a safe space!

Me: Look, look, why are we fighting? It’s Christmas!

Me: Sure.

Me: Of course I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping!

Me: I’m no rookie.

Me: Practically done.

Me: You and Pierre wanted tickets to that Pentatonix concert, right?

Me: Or was it the travelling version of The Price is Right?

Me: Maybe I’ll get you two both!

Me: Yes.

Me: Wow, that would be great!

Me: I had no idea they made Kristen Stewart sex dolls!

Me: What do you mean, “That’s not what my Internet history says?”

Me: Well, I don’t know.

Me: Must have been some mistake.

Me: Maybe the baby sitter was looking up Kristen Stewart sex dolls? How would I know!?

Me: Also, maybe my account was hacked by a Russian?

Me: Well, I’m a pretty important writer.

Me: The Russians know that if they attribute something to me it will have great influence on the public.

Me: They’re smart, the Russians.

Me: You ever see them play hockey? So very clever!

Me: I did not think that Aleppo was a type of dog food two months ago!

Me: I’m pretty keyed in to world events. Always have been.

Me: I have always stood with Syria.

Me: Sure I did.

Me: I gave away that old bathroom scale to a Syrian refugee family.

Me: Well, yes.

Me: The organizer never did come to pick it up, but that’s on her!

Me: She’s the one who doesn’t care about Syrians, not me!

Me: I care about their weight, about how they adapt to the North American diet!

Me: Don’t want them to get diabetes!

Me: Sorry?

Me: Why did I text and interrupt your massage?

Me: I don’t remember.

Me: Oh, now I remember!

Me: If the last three women on the planet were you, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence, I would choose you.

Me: Yes, I am very sweet.

Me: I love you, too, see you soon! xoxo