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I know that this isn’t proper form, but can I just say, what a goddamn monkey!!

Can we give it up for, George?

Yeah, that’s the sort of monkey he was, the sort of monkey that could get an entire church full of people to yell and applaud wildly. Just think about that for a second. He was an entirely different species, and here we all are, brought together by this wondrous monkey, cheering at the mere thought of him.

Remember that cheer, people. That’s a gift that George left to us, his encouragement to go out there into the world– fearless and happy– and to make as much mischief as possible!

George, as you all know, was no ordinary monkey. Other monkey’s may have arrived on the scene…Bubbles? The Ikea Monkey?

Couldn’t even hold George’s banana peel.

George endured while all the others fell away.

And Lord, such a funny monkey.

The funniest monkey ever, I think.

He was the Robin Williams of monkeys.

It wasn’t just his curiosity that made him so uniquely beloved, there was something else, too, something that spoke to humans and primates alike. George was joy, a playful little monkey who led us back to our better angels, to a place where the light of childhood shone all year round. And regardless of how famous George became, regardless of how busy or troubled his life became, even when he El Chapo made a trophy pet of him,

George ALWAYS made time to play.

Now, a lot of you might be wondering why The Man in the Yellow Hat, his partner in crime, isn’t here delivering this eulogy. Well, he and George had a complicated relationship, and it has to be said that over the years an awful lot of poo was flung. Back when it all started, The Man in the Yellow Hat tricked George by taking advantage of his curiosity, luring him into his big yellow hat and then taking him from his home and family in Africa to the shores of America.

George always resented it.

By today’s standards what The Man in the Yellow Hat did was unacceptable. A crime, even. But in the 1930’s people didn’t see it that way. Anyway, as George learned more about what happened to him, he distanced himself from The Man in the Yellow Hat. Well, it turns out this separation did neither man nor monkey any good. The Man in the Yellow Hat took to pills, the bottle and street fighting,

his whereabouts now unknown, and George careened from one professional disaster to the next– the masturbation incident in the boardroom of Celebrity Apprentice now carved into the history of American popular culture.

Our sweet George sort of wandered through the wilderness after that, a lost monkey in the cities of man. It was at this time that Islam reached out to him, and ???? ???????, as George chose to be called after his conversion, seemed to be getting his life back on track. Unfortunately, like too many of the disenfranchised and alienated amongst us, George became radicalized. Monkey see, monkey do.

George’s curiosity just proved too much in this case, and his life ended in Syria as part of an ISIS suicide squad.

I don’t know much about the afterlife or where George is, but I choose to imagine that beautiful monkey still clinging to that kite from one of his very first adventures, the winds gently pulling him upwards and home to glory.

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Heidi head of pack security.

She a natural.

Heidi very fierce, think fast and so quick on feet it make you think maybe ghost in your head. Heidi so mean she make medicine sick. Death jaws can crush full soup cans. You think you can hide from Heidi? Wrong! Heidi smell all. You dig hole to hide, Heidi find hole and dig up hole, Heidi relentless. Heidi kill 6 mice and too many fly to count.

So, so many dead fly.

Chomp.

Fly dead.

Not know what hit them.

Heidi hit them, bro.

Heidi believe in freedom.

Heidi always on guard.

Heidi live free or die.

You should know Heidi pack now larger. Heidi job very important. There was summer litter in den. There is now new two-legger in pack with messy face that always need licking. Small and chubby. Can’t move, just fall forward and make bird sounds. Useless.

Little-legger only cry and bring attention to pack location. Always putting food at risk. Messy face make pack very soft target. Up to Heidi to be extra vigilant and do surveillance at back door. Heidi study shapes and shadow, bark at noise and charge like lion dinosaur to fight all intruders.

Serious stuff.

Biggest threat to security?

Squirrels.

Heidi hate squirrels with fury and passion.

Squirrels think they big shot because can dart quickly and tree fly, but not big shot! Just rat with bushy tail. Squirrel so stupid can’t even wag bushy tail. Just stick tail up in air like surrender flag! Squirrels, filthy, depraved and immoral tribe of cowards who will sneak into pack den and steal kennel or Captain Crunch cereal when napping after long day of guarding, licking and barking.

Heidi would kill every dirty squirrel in world and then wag wag wag tail as she watched them burn in hellfire for eternity.

But just to be clear, Heidi not bigot.

Heidi think all animal equal.

But squirrels evil.

Heidi just know the truth.

Heidi hate, hate, hate squirrels.

You don’t like it, you de-friend Heidi.

Heidi don’t care.

This squirrel on Heidi Most Wanted List.

Very, very fat squirrel. He grey, the colour of giving up. Heidi never give up. Heidi black like eternal night and tan like good suede. Heidi stare at squirrel. Mean, death stare. In this picture, taken by surveillance camera just before Heidi was about to attack, disgusting squirrel have boner. So gross and creepy! Squirrel boner worst thing in world!! And then squirrel begin to interfere with self!! So gross-out Heidi turn away to vomit, and when she do, fat boner squirrel go into Heidi den and steal Macadamia nuts from pantry!! MACADAMIA NUTS VERY EXPENSIVE!! Heidi don’t want to know what else sex offender squirrel do, but Heidi vow to kill sex offender squirrel!! Rip to pieces and make necklace from squirrel claws.

If you see this squirrel, report to Heidi immediately!

Very, very bad squirrel!!

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Round One

You’re in hospital. But it’s not for some pedestrian reason like suffering a heart attack after having a long, hot shower and then masturbating while visiting your parents. No, you are in the hospital because you did something heroic and cool, like destroying the Mountain Dew skate park/pinball machine theme park while fighting Vladimir Putin with a croquet mallet.

That is what you did and due to minor injuries, you’re in hospital. You’re recovering like a champion. No tubes are connected to you and you’ve grown a beard during your stay, even though you could never grow one before. You look good. The nurse who is looking after you is pretty and compassionate and thinks that she remembers you from somewhere. She has soft, cooling skin. You have the first pick in the fantasy baseball draft and you select all-world outfielder Mike Trout, the best player in the history of the universe. Your opponents, like Vladimir Putin when he saw you grab the croquet mallet, know that they are defeated.

Round Two

You are a young girl only just past her eighteenth name day and it is your fantasy baseball draft. Your hair is silky, like it was made from the finest silk of the seven kingdoms; your eyes as dark as the night with no moon; and your skin a pale cream. You are one of the most beautiful girls in all of Westeros, but you don’t think that.

You sigh as you look in the mirror. Who will you select in the second round of your fantasy baseball draft? There are many noble options, so many great warriors available to you, but whom to pick?

It is time. The cruel and maniacal King Joffrey Baratheon fingers his crossbow and suddenly shouts at you, “Pick damn it, before I take your head!!”

You look him calmly in the eye, “My Lord, I pick outfielder Ryan Braun of the Brewers of Milwaukee.” Unexpectedly, the great Braun had fallen due to suspicions of steroid use, and your pick is brilliant.

There is stillness in the room, and then, a faraway wolf howls in the daylight, the dye had been cast and you are full of a confidence you had not experienced before.

Round Three

In spite of the stunning beach, bikini model and sex star Kelly Brook and I were arguing about whom to select in the third round of our fantasy baseball draft. She wanted to take Clayton Kershaw, even though he was an obvious injury risk, while Dustin Pedroia seemed like an obvious choice to me.

“No!” Kelly screamed, splashing into the surf.

I pursued her, grabbing her firmly by the waist, and she turned her slick body toward me, her breath coming hot and fast.

“Goddamn it,” I insisted, “we need to pick a second baseman now!”

“I don’t know what’s right anymore,” she said.

“Yes, you do.”

“Dustin Pedroia, “ she breathed into me, “Dustin Pedroia is our pick,” and then we collapsed into the waves and into one another.

Otter Jan 20- Feb 18

Otters are typically very strange, many ultimately suffering from some form of mental illness. Left to their own devices they usually become unscrupulous and disease prone.

Wolf Feb 19- Mar 20

The Wolf is good with weapons.

Falcon Mar 21- Apr 19

The Falcon is a decisive, natural born leader, although they typically hate other people. The Falcon can often be a little bit conceited, but as their judgment is often very good, a little bit of arrogance is understandable. Falcons must be wary of gluten.

Beaver Apr 20-May 20

Mostly business, the Beaver gets the job at hand done with maximum efficiency and aplomb. Practical and unsentimental, the Beaver has a terrible sense of direction and will often get lost, thus making for very poor scouts.

Deer May 21- June 20

The Deer is the quick-witted joker of the zodiac. The Deer is also known for it’s wonderful voice, one that’s capable of mesmerizing people with song or creating perfect imitations of all manner of wildlife. Both Prince and Curtis Mayfield are Deers.

Woodpecker Jun 21-Jul 20

Woodpeckers are extremely irritating and often shunned. Notorious gossips, they’re known for spreading discord throughout the community and are often assigned the most dangerous tasks facing the tribe, like tasting suspicious meat or vegetation. Very stingy and lacking in generosity, there has never been a Woodpecker chief.

Salmon Jul 21- Aug 21

Electric, unpredictable and wholly creative, the Salmon is a true live wire. Many Salmons gravitate toward story telling or work as shamans. Generous, intelligent and empathetic, the Salmon never has a shortage of friends. Lucky number is 6.

Bear Aug 22- Sep 21

Pragmatic and methodical, the Bear is the one to call when a steady hand is needed. However, the Bear will always be lazy, prone to obsessive masturbation and very easy to manipulate. Few Bears live beyond the age of 40.

Raven Sep 22- Oct 22

Ravens, noted for their great physical beauty are demanding, inconsistent, vindictive and abrasive. Favourite food: maize.

Snake Oct 23- Nov 22

The Snake is a natural in all matters of the spirit. This preoccupation with the ethereal plain often leads other to view them as mysterious and sometimes frightening, but the truth is that they are often funny, inspiring and helpful, although prone to abnormal mood swings and chest infections.

Owl Nov 23- Dec 21

As changeable as the wind, the Owl is a tough one to pin down. A vicious temper keeps most people at a distance, but when properly nurtured and supported, the Owl can often become an adept cook, excelling particularly with soups.

Goose Dec 22- Jan 19

Persevering, dogged and ambitious to a fault, the Goose always achieves their goals. Indifferent to the approval of others, the Goose is determined to succeed at all costs. Those born to this animal sign make for excellent assassins.

We are sad to announce that Crasher Squirrel was killed on Friday after a truck backed over him while he was trying to retrieve a pizza crust that had been left in a parking lot. May the Rainbow Bridge carry you home, sweet squirrel.

Darwin, who shot to fame in 2012 while wandering a parking lot in Toronto wearing a faux-Shearling coat, was found dead on Tuesday night. Known as the Ikea Monkey, Darwin was a sweet and fashion forward monkey who excelled at flinging pillows and masturbating. The absence of his playful, luminous presence will leave a hole that can never be filled. Dangles, Darwin’s life partner of 2 weeks, is asking that in lieu of flowers donations be made toward a banana tree to be planted in Darwin’s memory.

Chris P. Bacon passed away in a drowning accident on July 2. This wheelchair bound piglet– who had just recently signed a three book deal and had almost 5, 000 followers on Twitter– will leave behind a tremendous legacy of fortitude, inspiration and cuteness. Although he did not have the use of his back legs, he more than made up for that with his tiny, super cute heart. Any donations toward further research for safer, airbag equipped piglet wheelchairs are much appreciated.  He was a delicious and beautiful pig.