“This city has a serious raccoon problem. I’ve had some standoffs with some raccoons, seriously. I’m a big guy, powerful, a football player, and when I holler the trees shake, but the friggin’ raccoons, they just look at you. They’re not scared anymore. It’s a severe problem we’re having in this great city, and it’s only getting worse. They’re getting braver and braver by the day. I’m not a big raccoon fan, I’ll tell you that straight up. We have to kill them.”
As I have a personal relationship from the Mayor stretching back to our college days drinking together, he’s consented to give me a short interview exploring his feelings about the raccoon.
Me: “Rob, can you tell me about your most powerful raccoon experiences?
Rob: “ When I was in grade seven a raccoon climbed the fence and tried to enter into our family pool area to steal some food. Biggest mistake that raccoon ever made. Remember, I was drinking and getting high in those days, and when I saw that raccoon, I saw red, it was like I protecting the QB, you know? I started to chuck rocks at him, and I think the third one hit him square in the face, knocking him out. He was bleeding, and it was obvious that the merciful thing to do was kill him, so I bashed his head in with the ghetto blaster. It was messier than I would have thought, and one of the girls there, one that I liked, started to scream and cry and I knew getting some with her wasn’t going to be easy that night, and it was then that I realized the city had a really serious raccoon problem.
About a year later, and this lasted most of high school, I started to have these debilitating raccoon nightmares. Had to drop all my math and science and economic and history courses, the stress was so bad. I don’t want to talk too much about it, but it was like I was the last man on earth and all around me were these predatory ghost-raccoons trying to steal my stuff and eat my manhood. There was a bed-wetting issue for a while. You know, I wouldn’t have been able to admit that before, but rehab has taught me to be honest, so yeah, I wet my bed up until I was 18 and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s the fault of the raccoons, my fucking spirit enemy.
You might imagine how I hated them after all the years of nightmares and boring immersion therapy, and so Doug and I took it upon ourselves to just kill as many as we could. Using golf clubs mostly, we killed the hell out of them. We were athletes and we just felt compelled to win, you know? It was a, what do you call it? A holy war thing. We used to make necklaces out of their little fingers and then wear them to school dances. I guess you could say I’ve always had a special relationship with the raccoon.”
]]>
At any rate, Rob officially registered to run for re-election on January 2, being the first and so far only candidate to do so. It was at this time that Rob unveiled the official campaign slogan for the October 27th election: Ford more years!
This is where the mayor and I run into a disagreement. I think it’s a bad campaign slogan and that he should have gone with one of the suggestions I made to him during one of our late night brainstorming sessions:
- EVERYTHING IS FINE
- ROB FORD: BRINGING THE NFL TO YOU
- ELITES MAKE ME PUKE
- ROB FORD: THE DARK KNIGHT
- FORD TOUGH
6. ROB FORD: FOR A BIRDLESS TORONTO
7. MOVING FORWARD AND FORDWARD.
8. GET LUCKY.
9. IN FORD WE TRUST
10. ROB FORD: A FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
11. FORDING OUR STRUGGLES TOGETHER
12. ROB FORD: WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND
13. FORD YOU!
14. ROB FORD: SHOOTING THE PAST IN THE HEAD
15. IT’S ROB’S JOB, DAMMIT!
16. A PUSSY IN EVERY POT
17. HOPEFULLY CUTTING THE WASTE/WAIST
18. FORDAPALOOZA
19. ROB FORD: TOO LEGIT TO QUIT (This one has theme music and signature campaign parachute pants)
These are the text messages I sent to my wife Rachelle:
Me: Just stopped in at One for a drink, should be home by 6.
Me: Yes.
Me: I do think we’re made of money.
Me: Look, my fantasy sports teams have been doing very well the last couple of years.
Me: And I won a Deal Or No Deal scratch n’ win ticket the other day.
Me: I’m fucking rolling in cash.
Me: Paying off the car doesn’t make you a saint, you know.
Me: Right. Just the person who does all the heavy financial lifting.
Me: The hostess sat me very far away from the site lines.
Me: You’d need a shovel to find me.
Me: Yes.
Me: I am wearing my bike helmet.
Me: I don’t know if she thinks I’m an elderly bike courier.
Me: She probably just thinks I prefer solitude.
Me: I look pretty intellectual.
Me: Thoughtful, soulful.
Me: A man who looks like Roger Sterling just refused to sit in my section.
Me: “No, no, no, honey, no way I’m sitting there,” he said to the hostess.
Me: His hand around her waist.
Me: He’s now sitting in the rich men with big cigars section.
Me: Yes, I guess it’s like I’m sitting in the scratch n’ win section.
Me: It’s like instead of arriving via a fuck-me-I’m-rich car, I showed up on a mobility scooter.
Me: One with a little dog in the basket and a Hamilton Tiger Cats flag at the back.
Me: The waitress serving me is kind of chunky, too.
Me: Probably why she’s working this section.
Me: I bet she got the job because she sleeps with the mayor or something.
Me: Look, I have too had a job.
Me: Well, things are tough in the media right now, you know that.
Me: I guess I could be something other than a writer.
Me: No.
Me: No.
Me: I don’t want to work in the box factory that Allan manages.
Me: Because.
Me: I have lots of potential.
Me: You can still have potential in your 40s.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I just got distracted by a woman with long, superstar hair.
Me: It was like a flash of light when she tossed it and everything smelled like the beach!
Me: She looks a bit like Jennifer Lawrence.
Me: By the way, what shampoo do you use?
Me: Oh.
Me: Shopper’s, eh?
Me: Yeah, it’s good to get the Optimum points, I guess.
Me: If you don’t care what your hair looks like.
Me: Wow!
Me: Group of men who look like pro athletes and their supermodel girlfriends just asked me if I’d like to have a drink with them!
Me: People really are just drawn to me.
Me: Love you, probably be back late! xo
Me: Don’t forget to take the dog for a walk!!
]]>
This is a recent email that I sent to him:
Slobber!
How’s it hanging, Mister Touchdown?
Things are pretty great in our world, one reason being that Rachelle just introduced me to a new App on my iPhone called Draw Free. It’s way cool, like Pictionary for your phone. You play with a friend, and each one of you gets a word you have to draw out using your finger on the screen of your phone, and the other one has to guess what it is. Here’s my drawing of Bruce Lee, pretty awesome, eh?
We should play sometime. It would be an awesome drinking game and I’d fucking love to play a kind of adult version (NO HOMO) with you!
Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is that an acquaintance of mine was in a library the other day and he wrote this about the experience:
“Hoards of youth in the library today. Dozens & dozens. We’ve got to do something about young people in the library. Will lead to trouble.”
Just thought the Mayor should know.
Keep well, Slobber, keep well!
Michael Murray
Mur:
I am completely fucking in with the Draw Stuff game.
Art was one of my favourite classes back in school, and my teachers thought I had talent. I used to paint kick ass Star Wars scenes. I did one watercolour of Luke and Princess Leia that was so out of the box they made me see the school psychologist. Miss Hancock. Jesus, she was hot. Boner City, man, Boner City.
I’m glad you brought this library shit to my attention. The last thing we need are libraries jammed full of teens. That would be a shit show. I’m tough on crime, and I’m not going to help create an environment that would make things easier for crazy shooters. Libraries should only have a couple of nerds in them at a time, while the rest of our kids are at football practice, learning how to drive or at home on the Net. We need to shut down the library gravy train.
I’m going to launch a campaign called Library No More. It’s going to be fucking awesome. We’re going to have pro athletes on board and look into the idea of mobile libraries, kind of like the ice cream truck, only with books. We can shut down libraries all over the city, and then service those areas with the library truck once a week.
Dude, can you come down to City Hall so we can talk more about this? And let’s play that Draw thing! Why don’t they have that in bars, anyway, like Karaoke for drawers? Drawaoke, they could call it. Fuck, my brain is on fire with ideas! It’s a Rob Roll!! A Ford Fire!! Gotta cancel all my meetings and stoke the flames!!
Slobber
]]>
has done his time on reality TV, served as a columnist for Vice Magazine, has been to jail, shares all his late night “inspirations” on Twitter and completely loves cars. In short, he is a 12 year-old boys idea of what the American dream could be, and for a moment that dream was to become mayor of Toronto.
Last week as Canseco was Tweeting his New Year’s resolutions, which included, “Fight Shaq in MMA cage match,” and “ help people getting screwed wherever I can,” he also enthused about running for mayor of Toronto—the city where he hit 46 home runs for the Blue Jays back in 1998. This was pretty much the best thing that I had ever come across on Twitter, and I immediately Tweeted back to Canseco in an effort to help.
@josecanseco: Don’t worry about any Citizenship issues in Toronto mayoral bid, I will gay marry you!
@josecanseco: But first you should try to become one of the Beauties on The Price is Right—they are now accepting men!
@josecanseco: It would make our union credible and be good PR!
@josecanseco: Secure the downtown Grinder vote.
@michaelmurrayca: Jose swings for the fences, not with other dudes!
@michaelmurrayca: I am having my people look into citizenship issues.
@josecanseco: But weren’t you in prison?
@michaelmurrayca: I called it Jose’s Castle, and I was in charge.
@josecanseco: Got it, I hear you!
@josecanseco: I have some campaign ideas for you, I am an idea factory!
@josecanseco: The Ikea Monkey will be your campaign signature, always standing on your flexed bicep– like a fetish.
@josecanseco: Open up Jarvis Bike Lane and make the Ikea Monkey municipal symbol.
@josecanseco: Ikea Monkey everywhere!
@michaelmurrayca: Ford too much trouble to be effective. Gotta fix budget, traffic, get new $ not from taxes, get more businesses, and help schools.
@josecanseco: The only thing that can help schools is a casino!
@josecanseco: A monkey themed casino!
@michaelmurrayca: I’m listening. Contact my assistant.
@josecanseco: And forget about Shaq, you must challenge mayor Rob Ford to an MMA fight. All proceeds to go to the monkey casino for the children!
@josecanseco: Ford is slow and easily confused.
@michaelmurrayca: I will throat punch him.
@josecanseco: He will die if you do that!!!
@josecanseco: Hey, did you ever have sex with Madonna? I bet she was pretty aggressive.
@michaelmurray: Just heard from my assistant and I can’t run for Toronto Mayor.
@michaelmurrayca: Will now just work harder on my anti-aging drink Ponce de Canseco.
@josecanseco: Nothing gonna keep you down! You are my hero. Can I have an autographed photo?
@josecanseco: You remind me a bit of Fred Flintstone, but in a good way!
I know it’s not politically correct to do this but I’m going to do it anyway, Merry Christmas everybody! I could say something like “Happy Holidays,” or “Season’s Greetings,” like the nerds in the office want, but I’ve got to be me! Rob Ford is Rob Ford, and if that means taking the difficult path of the warrior, then that’s the car I gotta drive, and if you don’t like it, well, you can just sit on it. So if you’re gay or an Indian or Jewish and don’t respect Jesus and commerce, well, just ignore this and continue with your Chinese food and movies. (By the way, if you’re looking for a movie to see I’d recommend The Hobbit. It is WAY cool! I’ve seen it three times and consider it an early Oscar favourite.)
Now that I’ve gotten the “politics” out of the way, I just want to say, WOW!!!!
What a freakin’ year!
Our very own Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup, there was a bunch of black on black killings in gangtown, and until the left-wing media drove me to quit, I went on a diet. Even more, we’ve all had to battle through the NHL lockout and the subsequent hockey pool draught it’s caused, we shared in the emotional roller coaster that was the Ikea Monkey, and finally we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse! (I tell you, I was never happier to have a vacation property in Florida (two swimming pools) than I was on December 21st when I thought it was all coming down! Anyway, I want you all to know that it was my honour to serve as your captain through all this joy and pain, all this sunshine and rain. Toronto, you can always count on me to be your quarterback.
I want to add that at city hall we’re really proud that we’ve been able to slow down the gravy train. It’s third and long for the socialists and downtown elite and soon we’ll have a casino the size of an airport right in the middle of Toronto, firmly establishing us as a world-class city. We have an awful lot to look forward to in 2013, so rock on, T.O!
Here’s hoping you all fight hard, but fight fair on Boxing Day, and that you get the stuff you want!
Rob
PS: And remember, if you get stopped during a holiday ride program, always say that you haven’t had anything to drink so that the police officer doesn’t have reasonable cause to give you a breathalyzer!
If Nike were a politician, it would be Rob Ford.
He just does it.
If you’re one of his constituents and you need something resolved, you should just drop Rob an email, because he’s a man who will take the bull by the horns and go to the matt for the ordinary Joe.
What follows is a recent correspondence between a citizen and the Mayor:
From: Stephen Anderson
Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 02:16
To: Robfootball@toronto.ca
Subject: Unacceptable and unprofessional behaviour by a Royal Taxi driver (Plate 1736)
This morning, at approximately 1:30 am, a Royal Taxi (Toronto Taxi plate number 1736) picked me up on Front Street. The cab displayed a sticker indicating that they accept Interac payment. The ride was uneventful. At my destination, St. Clair West and Bathurst, the driver claimed his payment machine was “not working” and refused to shut off the meter while driving me to an ATM to pay him, which incurred me additional fees since the ATM was not my home bank.
This has been a repeating problem with many taxi drivers lately, and it is unacceptable. I would like you to look into this please. The driver should have informed me at the time of pickup that he did not have a working payment machine and let me decide whether to board his vehicle.
Thanks,
Stephen Anderson
Dear Steve-O:
Let me tell you, this sort of crap really gets under my skin.
Dude LIED to you!
Me and a couple of my staff-buddies have spent the better part of the day tracking this crook down and his name is something like Makebed, and he’s one of those guys who isn’t really a Canadian. I called him on the phone but I guess I got one of his wives. She was all, “ No speakie, no speakie!!” so I just yelled at her for ten minutes, making sure she knew it was “Mayor Goddamn Ford bringing the hammer!” It’s an intimidation thing I learned playing high school football. If you’re mixed-up with your words but you still want to be understood, you just fucking yell. Honestly S-dawg, it’s helped get me where I am today.
I’m going to guess that if you yelled at Makebed then this whole problem would have gone away, but maybe you’re small or gay or something, and so you’ve done the right thing by bringing the problem straight to the top, to the Big Dog, Rob Ford.
Anyway, I’ve got my staff working on deporting the guy from the city. I don’t want criminals driving cars in my town. If you think you can come into this city and rip off real Canadians, well, you got another thing coming, and Makebed, taxi plate number 1736, is going to get an awful lot of special attention from the city, if you know what I mean. (Just got back from fact finding trip to Chicago and learned a lot about stuff like this)
Anyhow, it’s nearly 8:00, so I’m finishing up and heading out for some beers and shots– if you want to join me and the boys( NO HOMO!) we’ll be upstairs at the Tilted Kilt on The Esplanade. They got the hottest waitresses in town. Boobs everywhere, it’s a Breastaurant, bro, and if they know you, they’ll charge you the regular price for the Super Sporran sized portions.
Ready, set, hut!
Rob Ford
PS: I’ll teach you how to yell. No charge, buddy, no charge– I work for you!
]]>The most recent assault on Toronto’s foremost public servant comes from the Toronto Transit Commission. The other day a streetcar driver accosted Mayor Ford, accusing him of driving his Minivan (identified by the license plate “ROBFORD”) past the open front doors of the city vehicle.
This is a short, one-act play called Third And Long, (commission by Ford supporters) based on recent events.
THIRD AND LONG
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: (Rushing out of streetcar to accost Rob Ford as he sits in his car listening to motivational tapes while waiting for the light to change.) “Hey piggy Mayor, your mama so fat when she gets a cut she bleed milkshakes, she so fat she sells shade in the summer. You a fat motherfucka! “
Mayor Ford: “Pardon me, sir?”
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: “ Your politics suck ma dick, and I say you drove past my open doors! You front page, fattie!”
Mayor Ford: “I have to disagree with you, but if you like we can proceed through the proper channels to have this matter resolved.”
Lesbian on streetcar with social disease and unpleasant tattoos: (Leaning through the window and shaking her fist)“ I sawz him! He was speeding like he done something wrong! Maybe he kilt somebody!”
Mayor Ford: “ I’m just here to serve the people in the best way that I can, and if any of you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.”
(At this point Mayor Ford parks his vehicle, pays the meter and gets on the streetcar, paying his three dollars.)
Mayor Ford: “Toronto has the best public transit in the entire world! I’m probably much better taking it than driving and it’s also nice to get to chat with my fellow Torontonians! How are you Miss?!”
Indian woman in Muslim costume with baby who is different colour than she is: “I come from other country! Where my money! You supposed to feed my baby I make from crazy drug sex!”
Mayor Ford: (Smiling) “You have a lovely child there, she could grow up to be Mayor, you know.”
Person in wheelchair taking up way too much room: “ My disability isn’t enough! Give me more!!”
Mayor Ford: (Taking a knee to get closer to the person) “I feel your pain and will personally look into your case to see if I might improve matters!
NDP Party member and supporter of Occupy Wall Street who is playing bongos in back of the streetcar: “ Your family is ugly!”
Mayor Ford: (laughing in a good-natured manner) “Oh, we’re just big-boned!”
Faggy drug addict with a nose bleed: “ You’ve been running this city as if it was a suburban country club, ignoring the needs of those with the greatest need, why won’t you help us?”
Mayor Ford: “ Your words are daggers into my heart. You are all my children, (opening his arms expansively) my constituents, and I want nothing more than to help you by teaching you to help yourselves!”
And then Mayor Ford hands out Scratch And Win lotto tickets to all the passengers on the streetcar, the people, HIS people, now applauding and cheering as he drives away in his Minivan to visit with wounded troops.
