Sadly, this state of affairs continued after she happened upon a garage sale ( http://michaelmurray.ca/garage-sale ) Rachelle and I were having, and then kind of exploded the other night on Twitter when I got involved in a debate about condos she was having with another Toronto writer. I interceded in the middle of the debate, and these are the tweets that passed between Atwood and I on that night:

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@margaretatwood: The un-rich have owned their houses for decades. Why should a development go right up to their lot lines and kill their beloved trees?

@michaelmurrayca: Have you seen an un-rich!?!? I hear they have teeth where ears should be and can only be killed by Dragonglass or gentrification!

@margaretatwood: Oh. It’s you.

@michaelmurrayca: I am an un-rich, you know.

@margaretatwood: Yes, I was able to deduce that from that little garage sale you had.

@michaelmurrayca: Made almost $80 at that sale.

@margaretatwood: Why, that must be more than you made on your book!

@michaelmurrayca: Unlike some authors who quickly sell-out to tv, I have some integrity. It’s not all about the money, Margaret, some of us are artists.

@margaretatwood: There is no hyphen in sellout.

@michaelmurrayca: I hear that they’re making The Handmaid’s Tale into a reality tv show.

Kind of like The Bachelor. You must be very proud.

@margaretatwood: Yes, as proud as your wife and son must be of you and your ability to provide for them through your “art.”

@michaelmurrayca: You remind me of Cersei Lannister.

@margaretatwood: You hate powerful women, do you?

@michaelmurray: Yes, very, very much.

@margaretatwood: Do you also disapprove of civic mindedness?

@michaelmurrayca: I am for whatever position you are against.

@margaretatwood: So you are in favour of killing trees, then?

@michaelmurrayca: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

@margaretatwood: So the fact that you’re totally uninformed about this condo development and the devastation it will bring to the local environment, that doesn’t prevent you from jumping in with an “opinion?”

@michaelmurrayca: I’d say it’s more commentary than opinion.

@margaretatwood: Tu tetras, homo parum de moron.

@michaelmurrayca: Oh, la-di-da! The grand dame speaks French!

@margaretatwood: Yes, I do, but the Tweet you are referring to happened to be latin. Like they speak in Mexico.

@michaelmurrayca: Were you called Margaret Fatwood in high school?

@margaretatwood: Oh my, I had forgotten about your biting wit.

@michaelmurrayca: In high school I was called The Enforcer.

@margaretatwood: It was ironic, I take it?

@michaelmurrayca: I was practically a god in high school, you have no idea!!

@margaretatwood: You miss those days, don’t you?

@margaretatwood: In spite of all the sport’s teams you never made, the low C’s you struggled to achieve and all the pretty girls who wouldn’t even glance at you, those were still the best years of your life, weren’t they?

@margareatatwood: Yes, I thought so.

This is his first press conference:

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3:24 P.M. EDT

Elmo: Hi everybody!

Guess what Elmo is thinking about today!!

Afghanistan!!!

Afghanistan starts with the letter A!!

Do you know what else starts with the letter A??

Attitude! Elmo hopes all of you people in the press have really good attitudes today!!

President Trump is ordering another 4,000 troops into Afghanistan. President Trump took over a mess, and now America, and her global allies and partners, are going to make things a lot messier! Elmo loves to make a mess! Do you like to make a mess? America will be making a mess of terrorists in order to clean up the mess the previous administration made of Afghanistan! So remember, America will not be nation building, America will be killing terrorists!

Terrorists are bad!

Yay, America!!

Can you guess what else Elmo is thinking about today?

Anybody??

No?

Ha, ha! Maybe you want to dance with Elmo? Elmo just loves to dance!

( Elmo dances)

Oh, Elmo so tired from dancing, Elmo almost forgot what Elmo was thinking about! Elmo remember! Elmo was thinking about Fake News!

Boo, Fake News, Boo!

Fake News is just about as bad as the terrorists!! Poor President Trump, he just wants to make America great again, and he has to fight terrorists AND fake news!! Such a hero!! Elmo loves heroes! Let’s all stand up and clap our hands for heroes!! Yay!!!

Elmo wants to say that although it is true President Trump briefly sized up the sun during yesterday’s eclipse, the President is not blind and is in perfect health!

That was fake news!! Elmo hates fake news! Elmo thinks that President Trump has such energy he might live forever! He is healthiest, most patriotic President of all time!! But even if the President had suffered significant blurring and fading of his vision during his encounter with the sun, which he hasn’t, there have been many great blind people in history! Do you like history?? Elmo loves history!

History says that America is great!

History also says that Daredevil was blind! And even blind Daredevil could still destroy all his enemies!!

Maybe Daredevil will visit Afghanistan?! Elmo thinks that would be so much fun! Wouldn’t that be fun?!

Remember to check Twitter to see when Daredevil might be appearing in Afghanistan!!

History also says that the great poet Milton was also blind, as well as musician Jose Feliciano!

And look, here’s Mister Jose Feliciano! Would you play a song for Elmo Mister Feliciano?!

Yay!! But first, Elmo thinks it is important to say that Mister Jose Feliciano is from Puerto Rico, not Mexico as many seem to think!

Elmo loves you Mister Jose Feliciano, thank you for the beautiful song!

Such a fun press conference!

Before Elmo leaves today Elmo wants to say just a few words about Jerry Lewis. That man kept us all laughing for over half a century, and his incredible charity work touched the lives of millions. Jerry lived the American Dream—he truly loved his country, and his country loved him back. Our thoughts are with his family today as we remember the extraordinary life of one of our greatest entertainers and humanitarians. Thank you, Jerry. You will be missed.

Elmo loves you all!!

Kiss, kiss!

He’s been Donald Trump’s personal physicians for the last dozen years or so, and is responsible for declaring Trump to be the healthiest man ever elected to the Presidency. He took a lot of flak for that, as you might imagine, and for the way he looks, too, so the transition from private to public life has been pretty traumatic. Consequently, Dr. Bornstein started to see a psychiatrist. What follows are some fragments from their hacked sessions:

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Bornstein: I had a dream a few days ago where I was in the Oval Office and accidentally walked in on President Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. They were having sex in the hovering butterfly position. I had a vision of the earth consumed in flames, and then all of my teeth started falling out.

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Psychiatrist: You seem bothered, Harold. Is there something on your mind?

Bornstein: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that America is great again, and I LOVE being the Surgeon General, but I’m starting to have some doubts about the Flesh Wall we’re building along the US/Mexico border.

We have no idea what sort of biological reactions are going to take place within that wall, and those reactions could be just as grave a threat as ISIS.

Psychiatrist: Have you spoken up about your feelings?

Bornstein: No.

Psychiatrist: We’ve had this talk a few times already, (about 90 seconds of inaudible talking)

Bornstein: I know, I know, I know, dammit!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PROBLEMS, ONLY OPPORTUNITIES!!

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Bornstein: In this dream Ivanka and I are beamed up into into a flying saucer. The aliens want us naked. We look at one another and understand.

Words are not needed. Our clothes fall away and we are naked and beautiful. Children of the universe. The aliens want us to couple. They need our beauty and fertility. My desire for Ivanka is almost overwhelming, and I can see that her desire for me is equally matched. As I pull her naked body to mine, I could see the earth, a distant blue jewel through the window just past her honey perfect shoulder. And then suddenly– due to something I knew her father had done– the earth just exploded, and as the UFO cartwheeled away from the shock waves, I was ejected naked and erect into space, where I spun alone for cold eternity.

********************************************

Last night I dreamt that a Mexican had shot the President.

I was working feverishly trying to save his life, but there was just so much blood! It was everywhere, even in my nostrils, but I keep working and working and then just when it looked like he was going to survive, I started to stab him until he was nothing more than meat for the Flesh Wall, and then I paused, took a deep breath, and then just keep stabbing.

It’s just not quality.

Melania is posing naked for a classy magazine.

I’m really happy about this because I want everybody to see what I have and they don’t, so I’m at the photo shoot making sure everything goes Trump perfect. I’m giving Melania instructions on how to pose, and as she’s doing exactly what I tell her to do, I try to Tweet a picture with the words,“Twice with this one last night!” but discover I can’t get into my Twitter account, @realDonaldTrump.

I am building a wall. It’s a great wall, a huge wall. It’s going to be the best wall ever. And then somebody, A Mexican, approaches me and tells me that there are scuff marks on some of the imported marble. A Mexican. What does a Mexican know about imported marble? Nothing. Enraged, I pummel him with the might of an angry white nation, and when I’m finished I’m covered in Mexican blood, which is just disgusting. I try to wash it off but can’t, and the more people I hire to wash it off, the thicker and stickier it seems to get.

I am in the penthouse of one of my many, many luxury apartments. I’m there to evict the deadbeat tenants by forcing them to jump off the balcony. One of them refuses. I wake up in a cold sweat.

I am waterboarding Ted Cruz’s wife because she won’t change her last name to something American.

In spite of her pain and terror and screaming and begging, and that her top was so wet it was completely see-thru, the experience was not nearly as sexually exciting as I had expected it to be. Woke up feeling empty, a sensation that trailed me all day long.

I am Captain of the Starship Enterprise.

I’ve rented out three decks as luxury condos, converted the Holodeck into a casino, crushed the Starfleet union and am running a real estate training program for my promising officers. Federation mismanagement had been costing the tax payers a fortune, but with me at the helm, the Starship Enterprise was making a fantastic profit and had never looked better. And then we’re doing a routine patrol of Quadrant 4 when a Klingon Bird of Prey suddenly materialized before us. As I was negotiating with their Captain, I noticed a stain on my uniform. Laundry had screwed up again!

In this dream I am a boy, lost and alone in the woods with no business plan.

Not being the type of man to evade controversy regarding his penis, Trump immediately took to Twitter to clarify the matter.

@realDonaldTrump: Unlike Obama, the ABSOLUTE worst President in history, I don’t dodge the tough questions.

@realDonaldTrump: When his handlers told him to deny the American people an answer to the birth certificate question, he caved and did what he was told.

@realDonaldTrump: He avoided the question. Not what a leader does.

@realDonaldTrump: Nobody owns Donald Trump, and nobody owns the American People! #TrumpInternationalGolfLinks&Hotel

@realDonaldTrump: Donald Trump is an energetic leader, and if the people want to know the size of my penis, then I will show them!

@realDonaldTrump: Believe me, I have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. I GUARANTEE you that I am WAY bigger than average! #DonaldJTumpSignatureCollection

@realDonaldTrump: Here he is, the Chairman of the Board, the Trump Tower:

@realDonaldTrump: My doctor, who is the BEST doctor in all of New York, says that I am in PERFECT health, my hands are LARGER than normal, and my penis is in the 98% percentile in terms of length AND width.

@realDonaldTrump: And let me tell you, it functions, boy, does it EVER function!

@realDonaldTrump: No complaints in the bedroom.

@realDonaldTrump: Just ask tennis superstar Maria Sharapova.

@realDonaldTrump: She was pretty inexperienced, but I taught her a thing or two. #ArtOfTheDeal

@realDonaldTrump: And her legs! Beautiful woman, truly beautiful.

@realDonaldTrump: Sad to hear about her drug scandal, but she’ll bounce back. Tough girl. Winner. One of my crowning achievements.

@realDonaldTrump: Charo.

@realDonaldTrump: Charo met the Trump Tower MANY times.

@realDonaldTrump: One of THE greatest guitarists of the 70’s.

@realDonaldTrump: What a body!!

@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton.

@realDonaldTrump: We did it on the 16^th green of one of my many luxury golf courses.

@realDonaldTrump: She was more than satisfied. 

@realDonaldTrump: Loved the Trump brand.

@realDonaldTrump: The grass was cut so fine it felt like velvet. Can’t remember the course, but it doesn’t matter, they’re ALL cut like that. #TrumpQuality

@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton, she was very athletic back in the 80s. Miss California.  #MostMexicansAreRapists

@realDonaldTrump: Appeared in Battle of the Network Stars. Looked great in a bathing suit. I have to say, I had my opportunities with a lot of those ladies.

@realDonaldTrump: I even have a few regrets, a few opportunities missed, but I won’t talk about those now, a gentleman has to keep some secrets, right?!

@realDonaldTrump: Connie Sellecca. She met the Chairman of the Board.

@realDonaldTrump: Multiple times.

@realDonaldTrump: Marco Rubio couldn’t even get a loser like Rosie O’Donnell. #LittleMarco

@realDonaldTrump: Also, Sharon Stone, star of Basic Instinct, and a HUGE Trump supporter, stuck her hand down my pants in the bathroom of the Rainbow Room.

@realDonaldTrump: Very sexy. #CouldHaveDoneHerInTheBathroomButDidn’tAsWasMarried

@realDonaldTrump: I haven’t even scratched the surface here. So many more.

@realDonaldTrump: Let’s make America great again! #VoteTrump

And as most of you also know, Donald Trump is an absolute master of Twitter, (@realDonaldTrump) a medium which is quickly becoming the primary means of disseminating thought and information. In case you’ve forgotten, here are some of Trump’s most penetrating, brilliant and revealing Tweets:

“If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country—I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses!”

“Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”

(That is not Robert Pattinson in the above photographs)

“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

“I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

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Ever the iconoclast, Trump has decided to participate in the Presidential debate via Twitter, limiting his answers to a blunt 140 characters. These are some of the Tweets that Trump and his team have been preparing for the night:

On the Charleston shooting:

“Tragedy. National tragedy. As an olive branch from the whites, I am offering any black $100 worth of gambling chips, free, at any of my casinos on the anniversary of that church shooting.”

“Mixed race guests get $50 worth of chips, which is still a great deal.”

Gay Marriage:

“Know lots of gay people. Best decorators in the world. They’re responsible for making my hotels look so great. Terrific race.”

“A couple of them have won Celebrity Apprentice, so I’m obviously not a bigot, even though I am big time Hetero.”

“I’ve slept with a lot of beautiful women.”

Health Care:

“Obamacare is a heat-seeking missile that will rape and destroy small businesses and jobs.”

“Hillary is a socialist, she doesn’t understand business, so I’m telling her once you rape small business, there are consequences, you can’t just go and get an abortion.”

“I would set up a different, much better, more luxurious system than we have now. It would have the Trump stamp of quality.”

ISIS:

“These guys just opened a hotel, can you believe it? Not only have they declared war on America, but now they’re going to war against me.”

“If I can make billions of dollars and build quality golf courses and real estate, I can destroy ISIS.”

“Donald Trump has never lost a war.”

“ISIS, what a bunch of chumps.”
The Mexican Border:

“I’m going to build a wall to keep Mexicans in Mexico, and you know it will be a solid, quality wall because it will be made by Trump builders. ”

“You know that wall in Game of Thrones? It will put that to shame, it will put China to shame, it will be the wall to end all walls, like the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in…”

“….exciting and beautiful Atlantic City. My fantastic casino has an exotic Indian theme–7-11 Indian though, not casino Indian.”

“No Mexicans will ever get through my wall to steal American jobs and water.”

“Is Salma Hayek Mexican? Classy lady. Beautiful, unlike most Mexican women who tend to be plain–they just don’t look after themselves as a people.”