*****************************************************

Heidi head of pack security.

She a natural.

Heidi very fierce, think fast and so quick on feet it make you think maybe ghost in your head. Heidi so mean she make medicine sick. Death jaws can crush full soup cans. You think you can hide from Heidi? Wrong! Heidi smell all. You dig hole to hide, Heidi find hole and dig up hole, Heidi relentless. Heidi kill 6 mice and too many fly to count.

So, so many dead fly.

Chomp.

Fly dead.

Not know what hit them.

Heidi hit them, bro.

Heidi believe in freedom.

Heidi always on guard.

Heidi live free or die.

You should know Heidi pack now larger. Heidi job very important. There was summer litter in den. There is now new two-legger in pack with messy face that always need licking. Small and chubby. Can’t move, just fall forward and make bird sounds. Useless.

Little-legger only cry and bring attention to pack location. Always putting food at risk. Messy face make pack very soft target. Up to Heidi to be extra vigilant and do surveillance at back door. Heidi study shapes and shadow, bark at noise and charge like lion dinosaur to fight all intruders.

Serious stuff.

Biggest threat to security?

Squirrels.

Heidi hate squirrels with fury and passion.

Squirrels think they big shot because can dart quickly and tree fly, but not big shot! Just rat with bushy tail. Squirrel so stupid can’t even wag bushy tail. Just stick tail up in air like surrender flag! Squirrels, filthy, depraved and immoral tribe of cowards who will sneak into pack den and steal kennel or Captain Crunch cereal when napping after long day of guarding, licking and barking.

Heidi would kill every dirty squirrel in world and then wag wag wag tail as she watched them burn in hellfire for eternity.

But just to be clear, Heidi not bigot.

Heidi think all animal equal.

But squirrels evil.

Heidi just know the truth.

Heidi hate, hate, hate squirrels.

You don’t like it, you de-friend Heidi.

Heidi don’t care.

This squirrel on Heidi Most Wanted List.

Very, very fat squirrel. He grey, the colour of giving up. Heidi never give up. Heidi black like eternal night and tan like good suede. Heidi stare at squirrel. Mean, death stare. In this picture, taken by surveillance camera just before Heidi was about to attack, disgusting squirrel have boner. So gross and creepy! Squirrel boner worst thing in world!! And then squirrel begin to interfere with self!! So gross-out Heidi turn away to vomit, and when she do, fat boner squirrel go into Heidi den and steal Macadamia nuts from pantry!! MACADAMIA NUTS VERY EXPENSIVE!! Heidi don’t want to know what else sex offender squirrel do, but Heidi vow to kill sex offender squirrel!! Rip to pieces and make necklace from squirrel claws.

If you see this squirrel, report to Heidi immediately!

Very, very bad squirrel!!

**********************************************************

Heidi always great hunter.

So confident and self-assured in skills of death-making that Heidi never feel need to show off. Heidi no show-boater! Heidi hate show-boaters!

Cats biggest show-boaters in universe! Heidi not kidding, she really, really hate cats. So arrogant!!

Heidi lost train of thought.

Heidi hungry.

Hope meat for dinner.

Meat and meat fat.

Oh! Heidi hate cats! When cats get lucky and accidentally kill mouse, make big deal of it! Like they just won Olympic gold medal! Cats parade about with mouse in stupid mouth, and like big suck they are, put dead thing at feet of everyone in pack as if to say, “Look what great cat did!” No class at all. Make Heidi want to barf.

Heidi kill mouse the other day.

No big deal.

Heidi crunch-blood kill mouse, Heidi eat mouse.

Simple.

However, Heidi now have bad dreams.

Ghost mouse come to haunt Heidi in her sleep.

Dream #1

Heidi chasing ball. In the zone. Always know where ball is going, always get ball. Ears blowing in wind, smell of grass and leaves and dead things everywhere! Practically out of body experience! Perfect day! And then ball turns into mouse, only mouse the size of Boarder Collie, and then Heidi turn into ball and giant mouse chasing Heidi! Very scary.

Dream #2

Heidi on her blanket, but somehow not quite her blanket. Strange, but Heidi decide to burrow anyway, and once Heidi under weird blanket and starting to feel safe, realize she is inside giant mouse and can’t get out!! Heidi wake up barking, feel off all day until hear kibble hit bowl. Always hits the reset button, that.

Dream #3

Heidi alone in long, green field. Feeling very contemplative, thinking of parents Heidi never knew, of all Heidi accomplished at 9, all she still hoped to accomplish, and then far away on the horizon see Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse waving at Heidi. And Heidi know that Mickey Mouse is death.

***************************************************

Heidi always dog that very big into social media.

Heidi famous on Chatroulette for a while and into Snapchat way early!

Heidi do whatever it take to keep fan happy.

But even as savvy as Heidi is, still got confused and thought it Mice Bucket Challenge. Was SO excited for Mice Bucket Challenge!!!!

Through two-legger would dump bucket of mice over Heidi and she would chase chase chase all the mice and tear them to blood and little bone!! Be so awesome!! Be like dog Fear Factor where Heidi win all the prize! And then post Heidi’s glory online! Everybody see that Heidi the Alpha Dog and all send treats and squeak toys! It what Internet built for!!

Would be best thing ever!!

But turns out it was FUCKING Ice Bucket Challenge!

Worst day in Heidi’s life ever!!

Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver make Heidi sit in backyard. Say Heidi Good Dog and give her liver treats and summer sausage, but all a trick!! Never sincere! Not for one second! Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver some sort of ugly demon.

Heidi think something suspicious because bucket not smell like mouse terror and disease, and water fall from it, but Heidi in treat zone so not thinking clearly. Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver wheeze and pant when he try to lift bucket up. So weak. He pretend it more fun if he get pretty two-legger to help him, and Heidi just sit there thinking MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL MOUSEKILL and then slave owners dump freezing cold water with ice rock in it on Heidi!!! PSYCHOPATHS!! Heidi run in circles for 90 minutes, so crazy she wish she was squirrel and could climb tree!

Days later Heidi still freezing!!

Things never be the same again.

Trust broken.

Heidi fucking hate two-leggers.

Maybe kill in sleep.

Heidi always watching now.