*******************************************

R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she’s still in high school.

R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.

R: Hot?

R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?

R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.

R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?

R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, “Is she hat?”

R: It doesn’t make any sense.

R: It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for you to have written.

R: Of course, of course, I’m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.

R: Look, you can’t bring Fassbender into this, that’s not fair.

R: Whatever.

R: Look, let’s just get past this, okay?

R: Yes, I love you, too.

R: It’s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.

R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.

R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.

R: I wonder if her parent’s know she’s doing this?

R: She’d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that’s for sure.

R: Well, I’m on a Paleo diet now.

R: And I have a workout schedule.

R: I know.

R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.

R: Not so much anymore.

R: It’s true, my love.

R: You have these, I don’t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.

R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.

R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.

R: I don’t think so, dear.

R: I just don’t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.

R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.

R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.

R: It is true.

R: And then there’s the academics.

R: You’re good at other things, yes.

R: I don’t know how much Jesus weighed.

R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.

R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.

R: He’d be an awesome motivator.

R: You’ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?

R: Just you and him in the final.

R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?

R: I’m not sure I understand your strategy.

R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.

R: You’re right, that is a good argument ender.

R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?

R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.

R: Like Paleoiths.

R: I’ll be home around 7:00.

R: xoxo

Me: Rachelle! Rachelle! Are you there?

Rachelle: ( Moves hand as if swatting fly)

Me: What is your favourite crop?

Rachelle: Crop?

Me: Yes, like corn, wheat, tobacco or peanuts.

Rachelle: Mmmm. Peanut butter cups.

Me: Okay, next question. Who is the sluttiest person that you know?

Rachelle: Slutty sluts. They’re all sluts. You know that.

Me: Good answer.

Rachelle: Thirsty.

Me: I will ask the nurse if you can have an ice cube. What is your favourite natural disaster?

Rachelle: Twister. So. Very. Windy. Hide in the basement when the twister comes! Very serious. Lives ruined.

Me: And crops, twisters ruin crops too.

Rachelle: Twisters are ruiners.

]]> http://michaelmurray.ca/post-surgery-questions-for-rachelle/feed 0 http://michaelmurray.ca/matchmaking-on-car-5021-heading-west-on-the-bloor-line http://michaelmurray.ca/matchmaking-on-car-5021-heading-west-on-the-bloor-line#comments Fri, 18 May 2012 15:54:21 +0000
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http://michaelmurray.ca/?p=2148 It was near rush hour and the subway car was pretty close to full. Standing near to me were a man and a woman. They were so close together that their faces were just inches apart, their bodies merely one breath from touching.

They were about the same age and had a host of similarities, none more striking than that they were both deeply engrossed in a book. Held up in their palms right before their faces, their other hand clutching a railing, the books seemed like silver trays from which they could just blow a puff of words into the other’s face.  It was kind of comical, actually, to be so intimate, so open  in posture, to be in the midst of so much ready potential, yet to be willfully oblivious and inward in the face of it.

Buffeted about by this train, I will stand and try to read snatches from my book instead of making eye contact with you.

I found them magnetic. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. They were made for one another! Why couldn’t they see that? Why did they deny it? They were practically in the same sleeping bag!

I could contain myself no longer and said to them, “You two have a lot in common.”

The woman ignored me and the man looked at me the way you’d imagine a man would look at a stranger saying something weird and inappropriate on a subway.

“I just mean the books,” I continued, “you’re both reading so intently, so close together, it looks like you’re sharing the same book. Really, you may as well just hook-up.”

The man looked nervous, shaking his head in the face of a crazy, but the woman seemed amused.

“Thank you, Dr. Phil,” she said.

I shrugged, “ I just call ‘em as I see ‘em.”

The man looked up from his book and at me, “Maybe you should just mind your own business.”

And then from three seats over a guy piped up. “Dudes right, man. It’s like you two are married, just lying back in bed before going to sleep, reading your stories. Shit, you should be together, you won’t find anything better on no eHarmony.”

It was a slightly awkward, if validating situation, and I wasn’t sure what to do so I introduced myself to everyone.

I then asked the man what it was he looked for in a partner. He sighed through his nose.

“I like intelligence and an open-mind. I need loyalty.”

I then asked the woman.

“Oh,” she said, “ I hate those qualities in a person. All I want is somebody who’s a Scorpio!” And then she smiled the smile that would bring the man out of his shell.

“Well that’s funny,” he said, “because I’m a Scorpio!”

The guy from three seats over then said, “Yeah, yeah, and you both listen to CBC radio and like animals. Just go on and fall in love,” and then he motioned to me to come and sit with him and leave them alone, and so I did, and when I got off the subway a few minutes later, they were still talking.